Random Honest Porn Review

How To Do An Honest Porn Review

Wanna post your own random porn review here? 

Fill out this form: LINK

And I'll post it here.

It doesn't matter if the movie is new or old, famous or unknown, terrible or eloquent.

Watch the darn thing, from beginning to end, and write us what you think.

—Need some random porn to honestly review? 

Here's the deal: If you subscribe to Susie Bright's Journal, for $5 per month, I'll send you a package of random porn, immediately. You will also get the joy of subscribing to my blog, which you can cancel anytime if you feel like you've been underserved.

After you subscribe at Paypal, you send me your name and the address you'd like me to mail your random porn too. Of course it comes in a discreet brown envelope. I've been a porn critic for years and I have an attic of this stuff that's a fire hazard.

Random. Honest. Porn. I look forward to hearing from you!

Susie

The Disappointing Blowjob

Movie Title
Throat Bangers #21 - Link

Director/Producer
Devil's Films

Starring:
Camil Gabanna, Jenny Lez, Michaela Marti, Tina Gabriel

I enjoy blowjobs and blowjob scenes, but have always found blowjob films to be hit or miss. By their very nature, they are a lot more repetitive than other porn films, but can still be an enjoyable change of pace.

Despite its name, Throat Bangers #21 is a soft blowjob film. While we do find some deep-throating, cheek-stretching and mild throat-fucking, it is never overdone.

The scenes follow an identical pattern: a silicone-free girl suck off a guy in different positions, always ending up in a point-of-view position in the end, where we get plenty of eye-contact with the girl. I enjoy the eye-contact, but know that some find it silly. All the scenes end in facials, with a bit of cum-play, but no swallowing.

Films such as these generally depend on whether or not you enjoy the girls, and if they can keep the energy going. I haven't seen any of the girls before, but they do an okay job. The best scene is the last one with Tina Gabriel sucking off two guys with plenty of energy and enthusiasm. Most of the other girls are a bit more mechanical in their approach, but none of them seem bored.

The film has some problems, primarily with the male performers. The guys in these films need to deliver a hard cock and a good cumshot. Unfortunately, that isn't fulfilled here. It seems  pathetic to me, that when you have a hot chick sucking you off, that you need to jack yourself off in order to cum, and even need a cut to achieve this. It  kills a lot of the energy of the scenes, when the guys are so jaded that blowjobs can't get them off. I know that in most films, the guys wack themselves off to control the cumshot, but in a blowjob film, shouldn't it be the blowjob that makes the guy cum?

Even worse, in a few scenes, the guy even begins to go limp at times. In the scenes with two guys, they begin to go limp as soon as they are not being sucked off, and one guy even goes limp in the girl's mouth. Camil Gabanna has problems even getting the guy to cum at all; she needs to switch hands several times, as she clearly begins to tire from jacking him off.

This isn't the best way to portray arousal and certainly does little for me as viewer. The fantasy of massive, hard cocks being serviced by hot girls definitely fails here. The film's best scenes are with Camil Gabanna and Tina Gabriel, but the whole film isn't worth it for just those two scenes.

Review by Steen

Couples-Friendly Gonzo!

Movie Title:
I Can't Believe I'm Doing This - Link

Director/Producer:
Mark Ashley / New Sensations

Starring:
Emmanuelle, Mark Ashley, Mark Ashley, Naica, Pamela, Patricia Petite, Sarah, Zeina Heart

With a title such as I Can't Believe I'm Doing This, the film promises to be transgressive, at least to some extent. We might expect experimental sex, cutting dangerously close to taboos or something similar.

However, the film is in fact very far from this image. There are no extreme acts here, the roughest being mild throat-fucking and cheek-stretching. Only one scene out of five has anal in it, and there is no emphasis on force, domination, or anything else that might suggest a "dangerous" film.

This is not to the detriment of the film, in fact quite the contrary. While some might be lured to the film expecting harder stuff than this, the film itself is surprisingly good. It seems that the title comes from the fact that the girls are all new-comers to porn, and that in itself seems to be such a bold fact as to justify the title.

The film consists of five scenes, one scene being with two girls, all of them with the same guy, Mark Ashley. I usually don't care about the male performers, as they seem rather interchangeable, usually, but Mark does a really good job. He seems genuinely aroused by the scenes and the girls, and he never says stupid things such as "Suck that, bitch" or "Fuck me, whore" or whatever misogynist phrase is in vogue. They are usually part of most porn, and I tend to just ignore it, but it's nice to hear someone actually say things like "That's good," or "Yes, right there." and to actually seem interested in the girl, rather than just her holes.

The scenes are quite similar: there's mutual oral, fucking in various positions, pussy-to-mouth and a facial. There's nothing spectacular here, but the scenes work because all performers seem aroused and not just thinking about the paycheck. The girls are all-natural and there's only one blonde (Patricia Petite, with a dye job. Wonder what her real hair looks like).

With a film that in so many ways seems run-of-the-mill, it's difficult to articulate what makes it so good. A lot of it has to do with the details: not only does Mark eat the girls out, but plenty of time is spent on showing it. The performers all seem to have fun doing what they do, there's smiling and laughing. There's none of the hyper-machismo which seems to run rampant in most other productions.

In a way, that is a sad commentary on the state of porn, that there's so little genuine enjoyment to be found, either because the films are rough and extreme, or because they emphasize glitter and appearance so much that they turn into an unreal spectacle. I Can't Believe I'm Doing This is a small film which shows a different side to porn, and it's better for it. Despite the fact that this is a gonzo film, it seems to me to be quite couples-friendly.

Review by Steen.

Mouth, Pussy, Ass - Repeat!

Movie Title
Anal Latex Whores  - Link

Director/Producer
Jim Powers

Starring:
Katja Kassin, Audrey Hollander, Patricia Petite, Gia Paloma, Krysta Lynn Lovely, Vanilla Skye

Anal Latex Whores is a gonzo film whose specialty is— you guessed it— latex and anal sex. The latex is handled quite simply be dressing the female performers in latex corest, latex gloves and latex boots. It's sexy, sure, but I'm note sure if it is enough to please a fetish crowd. It's not emphasized other than in the title.

First up, is Katja Kassin, who surprises a guy by popping out of the coffee table, just as he was getting ready for his afternoon beer.

Circus-Act Sex

Movie Title
Filthy Fucking Cum Sluts 2: Link

Director/Producer
Jim Powers

Starring:
Gia Paloma, Kelly Wells, Audrey Hollander, Julie Knight

Sometimes, porn just doesn't make sense. I realize it doesn't have to, in order to be arousing, but in the case of Filthy Fucking Cum Sluts 2, I find it more absurd than arousing.

It's hard to imagine that anyone would consider the scenes particularly sexy, as they are more circus-type sex scenes, which some might find interesting, but I certainly find difficult to masturbate to, since they are so ridiculous.

Gia Paloma starts the film by deepthroating and fucking rubber chickens and a rubber pig, before shoving an large dildo up her ass. Two guys assist her with the dildo and then fuck her, ejaculating on a baseball bat for her to lick off. Gia is hot, but the scene was destroyed for me, when she stuffed the rubber chickens into her ass.

ParaShooter Never Lives Up to Its Fantasy

Movie Title
ParaShooter:  Link

Director/Producer
Kristen Bjorn

Starring:
Jed Wilcox, David Barthory, Rafael Alencar

Of the many gay porn directors in the industry, Kristen Bjorn always has stood out from many of his contemporaries by creating the proper mix of fantasy, locales and men, who, suffice to say, are some of the most chiseled you’ll ever see in the business. Bjorn's men  have a body fat count that would make Paris Hilton seem pudgy, and muscle definition that Greek statues are modeled after.

Bjorn (aka, Robert Russell) got his start as an adult performer in the early ‘80s for Falcon. By the end of the decade, he was making his own movies, carving out a niche for himself with his preference for foreign men yet untouched by the U.S. porn industry, and for a unique trademark of having his men ejaculate without the use of a hand or mouth on camera.

Instead, the hunks would lean against a car, tree, building, etc., with dicks erect, and their sperm would shoot out seemingly by osmosis. (Probably more by editing – but that’s a debate for another time.) The first time I saw it, the effect was amazingly erotic, and I knew this was a director I had to investigate further.

As I said above, Bjorn understood the role that fantasy plays in porn— something that is sadly missing in much of mainstream porn today. Watching guys fuck and suck in a hotel room (what I call “Motel 6-9 sex”) may be stimulating to some degree, but your own fantasies usually involve more.

There is something just as erotic about the set-up, which is why I with more porn had a little more of a story. I’m not talking War & Peace here, but even just a few establishing scenes before the dicks come out. Some of Bjorn’s best earlier films understood that. Vampire in Budapest (about, well, what the title suggests) used its dark subject to create an erotic fantasy of men who want more than just to suck your blood.

Bjorn also is one of the best at using strikingly clear cinematography to not only bring out the best in his actors but also to create a picturesque image of foreign lands that may make you want to call your travel agent now. Like many niches, however, they can get a little old as time has gone on, which is why many of his recent releases have seemed so ordinary. The men are still hot as hell, and the landscape still visually striking, but Bjorn seems to be coasting. ParaShooter (from 2006) typifies this.

The set-up is seemingly the kind of stuff gay porn dreams are made of, but the video never quite manages to push all the erotic buttons. Here, a group of mercenaries parachutes into South America on a mission to usurp a dangerous drug lord. Ah, two hot fantasies off the bat: soldiers and butch drug lords. But even after a few minutes of a teasing set-up, the video seems less about its fantasy elements and more about men having sex out in the jungle.

The oddest scene is when two of the mercenaries spy a group of four totally hot men hot tubbing and sucking in the middle of the jungle. Huh? Why even bother with the theme if this is what you were going to do with it? Bjorn has never been big on dialog, but surely he could have done more with this set-up than that. He hits upon one moment when the video lives up to its premise— when a mercenary is found dangling from a tree by a machete-wielding drug lord— but for the most part, the video loses much of its “danger” appeal as it goes along.

And why create a movie with such a macho premise if your background music sounds like something I heard in the lobby of a Chi-Chi’s Mexican restaurant? Music is also part of the atmosphere, but the endless guitar strumming (performed by Bjorn) doesn’t fit the theme. I know, I know: “It’s just about the fuckin’ and suckin’ anyway.” But that’s the problem with much of gay porn these days. It settles for little because we are conditioned to accept little in return.

Like most of Bjorn's films, ParaShooter splits the numerous sex scenes into two parts: the group suck and, after a brief move nearby, the group fuck. If ever porn actors earned their paycheck, it is in Bjorn movies. Most of the scenes last 20-25 minutes on tape (probably a day or two in real time), and contain at least one of the hands-free ejaculations. If anything, Bjorn tries to give you your money’s worth, but Para Shooter didn’t leave me wanting more. I wouldn’t want Bjorn to abandon the elements that are his trademark. Since he is one of the few directors with a true understanding of fantasy and filmmaking, I wish he would use them to enhance his films, and not simply make videos that seem like he is wandering around the jungle on autopilot.

Review by Marc

Sacred Sin... Ouch!

Movie Title 
Sacred Sin

Director, and Executive Producer
Michael Ninn, and Eddie Van Halen

The Ms. and I watched  the "Sacred Sin" DVD Susie sent us...  Ouch...   

Messrs. Ninn and Van Halen have attempted to merge the music video genre with the porn genre— and instead of a delectable, arousing soufflé, have produced a muddled disaster.

Our most common comment to each other was “What was THAT all about?”  Granted, I’m not TOO surprised, because I always considered Van Halen music videos to be not very good, despite loving their music.  But, wow…   I even fast-forwarded through most of it a second time by myself, just to give it another chance – but no!

To recap the plot, such that it is:  Lead actress Vuur is pictured as a mourning wife, so distraught over the loss of her child that four years (!) later she still dresses in black and curses the heavens, rejecting her husband’s attempts for affection and/or comforting.

This, of course, leads her husband to stray (on the living room piano, no less) into the arms of – well, I’m not sure WHO she is, but she seems to live in the house – a housekeeper?  Another daughter?  Beats me…  It’s actually a decent first sex scene. 

Distraught Vuur sees this from the balcony, then approaches them post-flagrante delecto, and shoots them both dead.

We’re also briefly introduced to shots of a guy drinking heavily, an ex-priest turned detective, whose family was killed at some point in the past (not that we KNOW this now, but...

This is followed by what is supposed to be an “evil transformation” of Vuur’s character, complete with levitation and spinning in the air.  It's neither sexy, nor spooky. These music video montages go on way too long. In a word (sorry, Eddie) – “BORING.”

The scene cuts to a bar, where a man is admiring a sexy woman playing pool. Suddenly, amidst flashes of light and sound, she is supernaturally kidnapped, and brought to Ms. Vuur– who proceeds to preach to her about the fact that God apparently doesn’t listen to anyone’s prayers.  She then gives her over to a semi-chained demonic figure (complete with fangs and horns) for sex. 

Of course, there is no apparent REASON for this entire scenario, and yet in true porn style, the woman is totally into her hideous demon lover from the get-go, through the final money shot into her smiling mouth. Afterward, neither character is ever seen again.  You feel neither “sympathy for the devil” nor the “victim,” or any real interest whatsoever in the sex between them.

Mr. Detective investigates the kidnapping, and is accosted by a mysterious woman who knows all his personal problems– and who grants him a magical reunion with his deceased wife.

Thus begins a “fantasy/flashback /second chance” scene where the tormented detective is mystically reunited with his dearly-departed bride.  His mystical benefactor warns him “Don’t Speak!” intimating that any sound uttered will break the magical spell that is cast. 

The beginnings of the reunion are shot out of focus for far too long. Finally we come into focus, with Detective lapping full speed between the thighs of his beautiful partially-wedding-dressed bride— POSSIBLY to orgasm— we couldn’t say she gets that far.

The scene switches to her on her knees sucking him—and jarringly, he lets out with a “Suck that dick, bitch,” slaps her across the breast, and follows this with a “Fucking slut!" There's no consequence, either to the fantasy, or to her attitude towards sex with him. 

This was just stupid and pointless, since there is little spoken between them for the rest of the scene, which ends with a simple grunt from him, when he orgasms. 

While she is beautiful, there is NO emotional link demonstrated between these two, despite their reunited newlywed status. THIS is supposed to provide him “the strength to get through” what’s coming up?

Next, more bad music video (BORING), with out of focus and rapidly-zooming shots, interspersed with images of other characters in the movie.

I will give them this:

The extended 3-girl scene on the staircase is a pretty hot one. Some excellent “upskirt”  camera angles. You don’t know WHO the other girls are, or why they’re there in the house for the scene. Once again, it’s preceded by an annoyingly long music-video montage, with attempts to eroticize a cello.

Once the girls are done, we then get into the kidnapping and torture of a priest, as  punishment for God’s poor treatment of Ms. Vuur. 

This includes graphic scenes of sewing the priest's mouth and eyes shut, which, if THIS is what gets your cock hard or your pussy wet, your parents should be put in jail for how they brought you up…  Fast forward, fast forward!   

And if that wasn’t enough, it’s followed by another basically anonymous sex scene, with the visage of the demonic knit-one-purl-two victim displayed on TV monitors in the background.  Yuck...

We’re then set up for the Final Confrontation between the Good Detective and the Evil Vuur, with Satanist-vs.-Christian philosophies spouting from both characters as they approach across a cemetery.

It suddenly ENDS— in another music video montage with the Detective either killing himself in his lonely apartment, or not, we’re not sure…  and the credits roll.

WHAT A FUCKING MESS!!!!!

We were extremely disappointed in this film. We already expected the dramatic lighting and unusual camera shots that are typical Ninn, but this was ridiculous. The acting of the main characters is stilted, and that of the supporting characters just plain BAD.

The extended “music video” segments take away from any continuity of story that might have existed, and they are too discontinuous in themselves. I couldn’t even  appreciate what Eddie might have been doing with the background music.

As a final death blow, I didn’t even bother putting in the “bonus CD” with its extended scenes. God forbid (pun intended!) we hear an interview with Ninn about how the film was made.

In my semi-humble opinion, this is neither a “couples” film nor a solo jack-or-jill film,  because of lack of ability to draw the viewer into it, or to inspire one to mimic any of the erotic scenes.  In ANY part of it. 

Do yourself a favor— ignore the allure of the packaging and the high-profile names associated with this project, and just stay away. Have two-plus hours of great sex either solo or with your best girl/guy/play-partners instead – you’ll be MUCH more satisfied!

Thanks, Susie, for the present, but it didn’t work out for us….

Regretfully, but “Sin”cerely,

S.P.

Sweet, Sexy, and Little Boring

Movie Title
Xana and Dax:  LINK

Director/Producer
Comstock Films

Starring:
Xana and Dax

I am a big fan of Comstock's Matt and Khym story, so I was thrilled to see what kind of naughtiness Dax and his curly locks would stir up with the voluptuous Xana.

I'll be honest; I was left hanging. I love Comstock's documentary-style approach to its films as I prefer a bit of character development with my porn. But this did not work to Dax and Xana's advantage.

For example, I'm not the most eloquent when I speak about my great passion for my boyfriend, but I like to think that— on film at least— I could do a better job than, "He's so hot." Followed by, "You're so hot, baby."
They are fine physical specimens, Dax in particular, but I can't help but think they consider that liking the same breakfast cereal is a sign that they are soul mates.

Whatever, we're here for the fucking. No doubt, the way they regard each other is tender and sweet. For those who like their porn cuddly, here you go.I couldn't get into it.

Xana has fun with the blowjob. Dax takes great pleasure in exploring her pussy. But from there all the way through the intercourse scenes, a sense of urgency that I enjoy is absent. They certainly don't seem bored...more like tranquilized. He fucks her from behind, she comes. She fucks him on top, he comes. They snuggle. Xana and Dax put me in a sexy mood, but not necessarily in a mood to masturbate.

I would need to follow them up with something with a bit more biting.

PS. Xana and Dax have some of the most hideous hands in porn...which is saying A LOT. I've grown accustomed to weird acrylic nails (even you Candida? Why?), but Xana's stumpy French manicure looks like it would tear the crap out of my tender tissues. And Dax's hands are so painfully bitten, it tortured me watch him touch her.

Review by Starr Faithfull

Couture Porn from Jenna Jameson

Movie Title

Jenna's The Provocateur : Link

Director/Producer

Jenna Jameson, Justin Sterling

Starring:

McKenzie Lee, Sophia Rossi, Jesse Capelli, Melissa Lauren, Ashton Moore, Krystal Steal, Chanel St. James

Jenna's The Provocateur is Jenna Jameson's first effort as sole director, and is called a "couture" film. Certainly the girls are couture, and the style is kept as professional and stylish as possible.

The film is episodic, with each scene – called acts – blending into each other via montage-styled edits.

First off, is McKenzie Lee, who is introduced with a sensual dance, and then a shift to her being fondled by three men. The shift is abrupt and really shifts into a raunchy gear, with Lee servicing the three men. She sucks them enthusiastically, slobbering and drooling all over their cocks and happily deep-throats them with the accompanying gargles. A cum-shot plasters her tits, and she rubs it all over.

The two next stages are a standing anal shot, where she happily kneels to suck the cock and taste her own ass, and then a pile-driver shot, where the guy drives it into both her ass and her pussy. The scene wraps up with a double-penetration, with Lee babbling dirty talk, finishing up in a facial glazing. Throughout, Lee has plenty of camera/viewer eye-contact, something I enjoy, but others may find disruptive. The scene emanates raunch, and Lee is definitely into it, convincing us of her pleasure and enjoyment – excellent start.

Shower Away Your Sins

Movie Title

First Time 5

Director/Producer

Alex Clark

Starring:

Ilia, Edmond, Artem, Yanis, Konstantin, Artems, Andrew, Roman, Yuras, Temas

This is the first porn movie I have bought for myself, and the first I have watched all the way through.

As a disclaimer, I am a girl into yaoi, which is gay porn manga. So when I went for the real stuff, I went for gay male porn.

I searched high and low on the rack for some feminine guys.Why in the world, do all of the people in porn look the same? I am turned on by a range of body types, but not by either the fake boobs/women or super-buff men in porn.

Now on to the movie at hand:

It was fine on the whole, but repetitive. Most of the pairs went through the same motions: fun, playful scenes (at water parks, in snow, etc.)— then making out, stripping, giving head,  an anal scene with the receiving guy on his knees, rinse, repeat with next pair. Yawn.

But all was not lost. This movie features a beautiful shower scene. One guy, on his own. The whole thing is just basking in his beauty. And man, is he beautiful. It was amazing to me, so different from the rest of the movie. I could just watch it over and over, just this one section.

I wish I knew the name of the guy in this scene. He is so beautiful that I want to see if he has done any more, but I could not for the life of me work out who he is.

Review by  Cowgirlgem

 

Got Your Wetsuit On?

Review by Neko Wafer

Movie Title

Swallow My Squirt 3

Director/Producer

William H.

[Not to be confused with William H Macy, apparently. There’s a thumbnail picture of Our Illustrious Director on the back cover complete with red smoking jacket, shades, bullhorn and beret so the viewer is sure to know Mr. William is an artiste, thankyouverymuch.]

Starring:

Several People I Had No Idea Existed!

Now, before I start, it's been awhile since I've seen hardcore live action porn. I've been drifting towards ecchi for a time, and this is my first dip back into real human action. I'm no professional, not even a pseudo-professional, and I don't analyze anything because I'm simply here to have a good time with my sweetie.

And with that said - I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I gotta admit, there’s not many things sexier than a bunch of sweaty, fluid-drenched people honestly having a fantastic day. But before you swing into action, you should watch the Behind the Scenes segment. The director is speaking with a few of the women featured in the film and I like them, surprisingly enough. I guess I wasn’t expecting much in the way of – well, gee, I don’t know. In my ignorance of porn actresses, I suppose I was expecting to meet ladies with not much going on upstairs. I was wrong – cool!

My favorite grrl by far is Annie Cruz – she’s cute and clear-spoken, and has a hell of a good time in the film. Which brings me to the main reason why I love this flick – everyone is having a great time. There’s lots of hootin’ and hollerin’, and I think the ladies are having more fun with each other than with the men.

The natural boobs are so nice to see – everything from cute little skeeter bites to the more rounded and generous handfuls, and the thighs and butts are wonderfully natural and curvy and squeezeably soft. There’s even the occasional sweet lil’ belly. Yay! If there are fake boobs in there, I couldn’t spot them.

And holy moley can these women squirt! Fluid goes everywhere – sofa, curtains, the camera lens…WOAH. It’s amazing. There’s a great deal of sharing, too – female ejaculate, male ejaculate, saliva. And don’t think I ignored the "costuming".

There’s the usual plethora of vinyl bikinis, net tops and bitch boots, but some nifty belly, tongue, nipple and labial piercings show up along with the (now requisite? It's been too long...) tattoos. Nails are typically shorter and either finished with a French manicure or dark colors (purple, black).

Long red Dragon Lady nails always made me wince. Ouch! Who wants those diving in to your vaginal/anal canal? One scene even has a cute red gingham crop top and red square-framed glasses. Alright! Guys *do* make passes at grrls who wear glasses.

Scene 1: Angela Stone, Tiana Lynn, and Marcus Leon. Mr Leon needs to work on his “acting”. He seemed glad to be there but a little too aware of the camera. You know which gal is which ‘cause Tiana’s mound is shaved in a T.

Scene 2: Annie Cruz (who’d make a sailor blush) and Georgia Peach and Jake Malone. I’d rather just call him Keith Richards’ Delightfully Pervy Twin. He’s having a great time.

Scene 3: Gianna Lynn and Flower Tucci and Mark Ashley. You barely see his face, but who cares? The women are much more fun to watch. This scene also has a touch of B&D, but just a touch, and a lot of blow-job action. The turn-off for this scene and the following one is that Ashley is so big that the grrls make gagging sounds. Bleah.

Scene 4: Kat and Jenna Presley and Ashley again. The blonde has braces, which should appeal to you folx with a Lolita luv. :lol: All I can hope for is that she doesn’t scrape his personal parts. Yikes.

Scene 5: Annie Cruz, Chelsea Rae, and Randy Spears. This is the scene with the Daisy Mae look. And once again, gagging sounds are not sexy. But it’s got Annie Cruz! Interesting – in this scene she didn't take her wedding band off. My only whine is that nearly everyone is shaved. This includes the guys. Not to my taste, as I prefer to see pubic hair so I know it’s humans having fun and not some sort of love ‘bot fest, but I know why the women are trimmed: All the better to squirt you with, my dear.

As always Yr Obdt Servant,

Neko Wafer