Susie Bright's Journal

If Tiger Is a "Sex Addict"— So Was Arnold Palmer!

Today on IBWSB, I talk to a golf pro who tells me the real story behind who holds the record for "fucking anything on two legs" in the Augusta Hall of Fame.

—Can I get a lemonade and iced tea with that? 

I also answer the question, how come Americans embrace the nomenclature of "sex addiction—" but no one ever says that Michael Vicks is a "dog-fighting addict?"

Here's an excerpt of today's show:

Pf_suzy_091218_sample

Listen to my whole show! — "Tiger Dissection"

I also have  a special holiday lyric for you... It's one of her favorite songs by Dory Previn called Did Jesus Have a Baby Sister?.

Last, in today's mailbag I answer a letter from a nudist family who wants to know how you explain to the kids why the grown-ups are shaving their pubes.

"Because they're slaves to fashion, darling!"

You can call my audio show anytime with your questions or comments to my hotline at 831-480-5110. You can also send your confidential questions- plus requests for free samples and blog banners!- to susie@susiebright.com. (Episode 414, December 18, 2009)

I'm a 2009 Golden Dukes Judge— The Ruling Class Trembles!

As you know, this year we're celebrating the third anniversary of the Golden Duke Awards. The Dukes honor excellence in public corruption, betrayals of the public trust, and generally shameless behavior.

via www.talkingpointsmemo.com
 

It's my favorite time of year; I'm back in my throne as a Golden Dukes judge!— along with my colleagues:
 

John Dean ("The Perfect Gentleman"), 

Jack "Naildriver" Shafer, 

Dahlia Lithwick ("The Poet at the Bar"); and,

Paul "Muck-stacular!" Kiel.
 

Let the evisceration begin! Get your nominations in now!

Professor Russell Johnson's Christmas Movie Quiz: The Incipient Feminist Version

This is the hardest movie quiz I ever played. I also had to give it a feminist twist. I'd love to see your answers, as well!

I realized as I went down the list, that it was very mono-guy-oriented— so you'll see my wayward answers and alternatives as the quiz progresses...

1) Second-favorite Coen Brothers movie?

The Big Lebowski!

I am so comforted by a round of the Caucasian Drinking game with our dear familiar friends.

However, my favorite Coen original is their most recent movie in theaters, A Serious Man.

2) What movie seen only on home format that you would pay to see on the biggest movie screen possible?

Many. I walked into a bar the other night and they were screening 8 1/2 on a huge wall without sound and I was completely enchanted.

I'd like to see RocknRolla in IMAX,  come to think of it. That was one fun Ritchie Ride.

3) Japan or France?

Why choose when you can have both? Fear and Trembling.

4) Favorite moment/line from a western?

One that comes to mind:

Doc Holliday, in Tombstone:

"Look, darling— it's Johnny Ringo. The deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darling? Should I hate him?"

5) Of all the arts the movies draw upon to become what they are, which is the most important, or the one you value most?

Well, I have to say writing, don't I? But it's the whole circus; seems unfair to pick. So I won't.

6) Most misunderstood movie of the 2000s?

American Psycho, directed by Mary Harron, 2000

7) Name a filmmaker/actor/actress/film you once unashamedly loved who has fallen furthest in your esteem.

Walt Disney! Oh, I loved watching his show Sunday evenings when I was a child, eating pancakes for supper, falling for every word of his schtick.

8) Herbert Lom or Patrick Magee?

Patrick Magee, but only because he's had better publicity. I have no idea what the connection is between him and Herbert Lom. This is one obscure movie quiz! They were both in one movie called "The Asylum" which starred Britt Ekland— can I pick her, instead?


9) Which is your least favorite David Lynch film?

Dune. But don't I get to say my favorite? The Straight Story.

10) Gordon Willis or Conrad Hall?

Two great cinematographers.  I guess I'll go with Hall, because of how awestruck i was by the photography in In Cold Blood and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

11) Second favorite Don Siegel movie?

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

12) Last movie you saw on DVD/VHS?

Amazing Grace... the story of the abolition movement in England. I had no idea! I get an "F" in British history. So very interesting.

13) Which DVD in your private collection screams hardest to be replaced by a Blu-ray?

I haven't seen anything on Blu-Ray. What am I missing?

14) Eddie Deezen or Christopher Mintz-Plasse?

Voice actors for Scooby Doo and Marmaduke. I don't think so!

Yeardley Smith is more my speed.

15) Actress who you feel automatically elevates whatever project they are in, or whom you would watch in virtually anything.

Maggie Gyllenhaal.

16) Fight Club —yes or no?

Best gay role Brad Pitt ever played.

17) Teresa Wright or Olivia De Havilland?

Both were Oscar-winning actresses with their heyday in the 40s. They weren't glamour-pusses, usually, they were women who played on your tender feelings.

Teresa got the stage role of Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire, because Olivia said, "A lady just doesn't say or do those things on the screen."  For that reason, on a personal level, I think I like Teresa better!

Blanche says:

"I don't want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth!"

18) Favorite moment/line from a film noir?

I love film noir.. I love Dashiell Hammett. So let's go with a classic, from The Maltese Falcon:

Joel Cairo: 

"You... you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fat-headed you. [cries]"

19) Best (or worst) death scene involving an obvious dummy substituting for a human— or any other unsuccessful special effect?

Oh, without a DOUBT:  Snuff.

The movie that caused such a sensation, tricking the public to think it was a real "murder" on film. The exploitation company that released it used lines like "Made in Latin America, Where Life is Cheap!"

Actually, it was finished in Chelsea, where life is camp. When the "victim" is  eviscerated, you see an obvious pan of spaghetti standing in for her guts. Chef Boy-R-Dee!

20) What's the least you've spent on a film and still regretted it?

That would have to be zero— because I've reviewed so many bombs that were sent as screeners and film festival entries. But that was just part of the fun— I loved movie reviewing... no complaints. My ass just got sore sometimes.

21) Van Johnson or Van Heflin?

Van Heflin... "You're welcome to stay, Shane!"

22) Favorite Alan Rudolph film?

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle.

"I write doodads because it's a doodad kind of town!"

23) Name a documentary that you believe more people should see.

The Corporation should be shown in every third grade classroom.


24) Name a favorite film which revolves around someone becoming stranded.

Baghdad Cafe.

25) Is there a moment when your knowledge of film, or lack thereof, caused you an unusual degree of embarrassment and/or humiliation? If so, please share.

When i was a kid, I always wanted to know what the grown-ups were talking about, after they came home from the movies. But they were happy to oblige. How can movie-conversation ever be a bad thing? 

I've been treated like a social pariah and persecuted as a criminal because of my knowledge of X-rated films— but that's probably not what this question is getting at.

  

26) Ann Sheridan or Geraldine Fitzgerald?

They were both at Warner's Studio in the 40s... what on earth else do they have in common? Ann Sheridan I remember for her beauty and figure— Fitzgerald for her acting roles. This question should be re-written. There isn't one question in this quiz that focuses on women directors, screenwriters, or actors who made a huge difference in my life. RIOT!

27) Do you or any of your family members physically resemble movie actors or other notable figures in the film world? If so, who?

My partner Jon was told repeatedly, before his hair greyed, that he looked like Jim Morrison. I was envious!

I've never been mistaken for anyone— but I sure did try to dress up as Sarah Palin in a bikini with an Uzi for Halloween last year.

  28) Is there a movie you have purposely avoided seeing? If so, why?

I don't go see many weepies. Or many horror movies. I get squicked out by them the way other people get hysterical about porn.

On a more recent note, I'm torn about the new The Fantastic Mr. Fox movie by Wes Anderson. I love Wes Anderson, but I don't like watching many animated films. I barely made it through my daughter's childhood.

  29) Movie with the most palpable or otherwise effective wintry atmosphere or ambience?

For scary effects, The Thing.

For scary emotional effects, The Ice Storm.

For happy effects, The Snowman. And it's animated! I have my exceptions.

30) Gerrit Graham or Jeffrey Jones?

Another obscure comparison question. I have unearthed that these two collaborated on one Twilight Zone episode. As far as their filmography goes, I will take Jeffrey, as I most recently loved him in Deadwood.

31) The best cinematic antidote to a cultural stereotype?

I agree with my friend L. on this, who braved this quiz before I did:

"Charles Burnett's Killer of Sheep (1977) was literally made as an answer to this question."

32) Second favorite John Wayne movie?

The Searchers. Wow, what scenery, of Monument Valley. Talk about an IMAX moment. And John Wayne is playing a guy whose racism has destroyed him, psychologically— his pathological hate of "Indians."

Meanwhile, the film is filled with ludicrous depictions of Native life, but the arch-evil "Scar, the Indian Warrior Chief" is really hot. I later found out the actor who played him, Heinrich von Kleinbach, was gay, and from Berlin. He was 6'5" and was always cast in "swarthy" roles.

33) Favorite movie car chase?

Can I count Harold and Maude in a hearse?

  34) In the spirit of His Girl Friday, what would you propose as a gender-switched remake of a classic or not-so-classic film?

Animal House, Breaking Away, and The Warriors. I came up with these inspiration after being annoyed by Question #40.

  35) Barbara Rhoades or Barbara Feldon?

Look, who came up with this? They aren't both redheads. They're tall, pretty women with very different careers.

Of course, most people are going to recognize Agent 99. I think my first TV romantic fantasies involved pretending I was "Agent 99," getting in trouble with nefarious characters. She was so sexy and "Max" was anything but.

36) Favorite Andre De Toth movie?

I've never seen any of them. In my research, I am fascinated to see that he had 19 children, was married seven times, wore an eyepatch, and that one of his wives was VERONICA LAKE!  Why doesn't someone make a movie about him?

37) If you could take one filmmaker's entire body of work and erase it from all time and memory, as if it had never happened, whose oeuvre would it be?

Aw, I wouldn't do that. Or maybe I just block them out so effectively as it is, no names occur to me.

38) What's  a film you actively hated when you first encountered it, only to see it again later in life and fall in love with it?

I sense a growing hysteria in this quiz. "I hated spinach when I was seven, actively, but now I love it!"

When I was a kid, I was bewildered by foreign films, experimental films, Ingmar Bergman, you name it. I didn't understand the jokes on "Laugh-In." Then puberty bathed me in hormones and superior intellect, and VOILA! I get the joke.

  39) Max Ophuls or Marcel Ophuls?

Father or son? I must exempt myself. I've only see a tiny bit of the father's work, Lola Montes.

I remember the first time my dad told me that someone asked him if he was "Susie Bright's father." I had always been "Bill Bright's daughter."

40) In which club would you most want an active membership, the Delta Tau Chi fraternity, the Cutters, or the Warriors? And which member would you most resemble, either physically or in personality?

Boy question.

Okay, my girl version is: In which "club" would you like an active membership—the apartment dwellers of  How to Marry a Millionaire,  the teenage witches of The Craft, or the women's team in  A League of Their Own?

I love them all, but I especially admire Geena Davis' ballplayer.

41) Your favorite movie cliché?

"This is porn. You have to hold your own legs."

  42) Vincente Minnelli or Stanley Donen?

Vincente Minnelli because of An American in Paris and Meet Me in St. Louis and so much more. He makes me cry.

  43) Favorite Christmas-themed horror movie or sequence?

I haven't seen any of the real Xmas horror treat, because of my afore-mentioned squeamishness. But! I think the best COMIC horror, hands down, a must for every Xmas, is The Ref.

44) Favorite moment of self- or selfless sacrifice in a movie.

Most recently, Gran Torino. And Silkwood also comes to mind.

  45) If you were the cinematic Spanish Inquisition, which movie cult (or cult movie) would you decimate?

Oh, that's easy. Monty Python. Go ahead, kill me.

 46) Caroline Munro or Veronica Carlson?

Between those two British exploitation sexpots, I'd have to go for Caroline Munro.

Let's have a contest between two butch dreamboats, shall we? Who do you have the hots for more, Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry or Patrice Donnelly in Personal Best?

I have already thrown myself at Patrice Donnelly and everyone knows it.

47) Favorite eye-patch wearing director?

John Ford; Duh!

48) Favorite ambiguous movie ending?

Recently, A Serious Man.

Classic: Blade Runner.

Another one I really like: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada. Did you know January Jones in that?

49) In giving thanks for the movies this year, what are you most thankful for?

Ashlyn Adams of Westside Video, our local independent amazing rental store. MWAH!

50) George Kennedy or Alan North?

They were both in The Naked Gun. If Alan North is anything like George Kennedy I must look him up.

  Alternative 50)  Lili Taylor or Holly Near? They were both in Dogfight!

Tiger Woods' Cuckold Fantasies

US magazine has reprinted an erotic cuckold dream that Tiger Woods reportedly sent to one of his alleged mistresses.

Woods told "Rachel" in an email that he envisioned her having sex with Derek Jeter and Bones star David Boreanaz— at the same time. The juicy email describes his fantasy in lurid detail...

via www.huffingtonpost.com

Okay, I'm finally interested! "Adulterous Sports Star" didn't rouse me out of my non-monogamous slumber. On that count, Tiger needs to listen to Mo'Nique:

“[My husband and I] have an agreement that we’ll always be honest— and if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us. That’s not something where we’ll have to say, ‘Oh God, we’ve got to go to divorce court because you cheated on me.’ Because we don’t cheat."
 

But this cuckold fantasy that Tiger spins— where he vicariously enjoys his pretty lover getting plowed by two butch hunks— how timely!

The humiliated-but-thoroughly-aroused-husband is the biggest new trend in taboo erotic fantasies.

In 2006 or so, I started seeing the first mini-fad of erotic cuckolding confessions, which started to proliferate on CraigsList. More elaborate versions subsequently arrived in the form of manuscripts in my mailbox— authors seeking to publish on the subject. It was still an "embarrassing" fantasy— none of the people who sent me fiction wanted to use their real name in print.

Most of the authors I read were amateur, but one was really worthy of "Double Indemnity" craftsmanship— a piece called  "Playing Doctor," by Eloise Chagrin, which I published in The Best American Erotica 2008.

Eloise offered this p.o.v. in a postscript to the story:

"It surprises me to no end that the sexual fetish of cuckoldry, once thought of as a disability, could be shared by so many people. The cuckolding fetish has an element of surprise, along with a bittersweet emotional masochism.

"Another key to the fetish, from the perspective of the cuckold, is that of eroticizing as a defense mechanism. When someone you care about expresses their interest in another person, you wrestle with your inadequacies. This fight may take on different forms, in many cases with the ultimate rejection of your lover.

"However, if your bond is strong, and you’re able to put aside that sense of self, then it’s possible to experience pleasure vicariously.

"Many people may think of this as abhorrent, as tantamount to abuse, while others believe it’s an essential part of their sexual health. I don’t know; I’m only trying to describe something that I’ve thought about for a long time.

"Some may find putting oneself second to be deleterious to one’s emotional health; others find something beautiful in the idea of loving your partner so much that you become attracted to whatever role he or she plays, whatever the two of you become. I leave the benedictions to others.

"A third ingredient to the mix is homoerotic. There is no way to avoid this with groups of three. Even in the most repressed situations, at least two out of the three people are of the same gender, and all parties are interested in the situation, else they would stop participating.

"In my story, as in my perceptions of cuckoldry from real life, betrayal is on the horizon. There’s a real possibility that any pair may break off from the group and form a greater intimacy. That prospect keeps the game competitive, and the players had better give their best performances, bank on everything they have in their bag of tricks— because, ultimately, someone must lose."
 

After I published "Playing Doctor," I heard from Kidder Kaper, the impresario of the Sex is Fun game group, who told me he was writing an illustrated book of sexy role-playing games for couples. He wanted my feedback on a cuckolding fantasy he was drawing.

His scheme involved setting up a tableau in your bedroom so it looks "as if" the wife is just getting buggered by a handyman before her husband walks in. Very clever! All the erotic drama without an actual plumber— or cheatin'!

I think ground zero for the "Out and Proud Cuckold" scene was Seattle; in part due to Dan Savage's column, who is always pulling off the manhole cover.

His column was the first place I listened to men, who, despite using pseudonyms, were unapologetic about their turn-on.

"Yes," they said, "it's emotionally masochistic; so what? Why do bottoms who merely request spankings get to have all the fun?"

Then there was the question, "But isn't it gay? Are you hung up on Daddy?"

Some men, said, "Sure, I'm bisexual and a submissive. I'm a happy camper." Others said,"This fantasy doesn't work for me without the woman; she's the star. I identify with her, but I don't want to be a man getting worked by another man."

Mostly what they said, like every other person who has a non-vanilla fantasy life, was: "Don't judge me!" 

Cuckold-fantasists are every kind of person, not identifiable by what they wear or the circumstances of their public life. You might think they were one of the most powerful, charismatic men in the world— you know, like Tiger Woods. Is he ready to be a poster boy?

Do women eroticize being cheated on? Jealousy is a universal experience and we often "play" with its green tendrils, to give ourselves a charge. Too much, and it's anti-erotic— just enough, and it's spice. 

To tell you the truth, though, I have never received a manuscript submission where a "wife" describes coming home to find her husband being ravished by two man-eating nymphos who make sport of her. In a classic cuckquean fantasy, the wife would then jill off, right in front of her sexy tormenters, simultaneously humiliated and exhilarated.

The next day, she would hold a press conference and "stand by her man." Right? ;-)

I think women of our times do eroticize sexual humiliation a little differently... perhaps you'd care to weigh in?  (Note: obviously no one enjoys reality-based humiliation... please address the erotic/S/M aspect!)

Five Completely Un-Political Reasons Sarah Palin Has Lost Her Sex Appeal

 On my Audible show this week, I came to the remarkable conclusion that I do not want to work my "lesbian thigh magic" on Sarah Palin anymore. 

It is not because of something despicable she's done— her behavior has been appalling all along— it's simply that my PERVERSE physical attraction to her has disappeared. 

I have a bet going I'm not the only one whose hard-on has faded!

Listen to my reasons: 

  Susie on Sarah's Sex Appeal

 

Here's the rest of the show if you want to hear it all: Link

Also, on my show today, my list of the sexiest movies Hollywood ever made.. not the pablum, but the real thing!
 

The absolute cheapest, Scrooge-y, way to hear my show every week (you can afford less than 70 cents per show!) is to sign up for a year, here.

The Season of Freakin' Out

I went to my mailbox yesterday. It was stuffed with fundraising letters in the mail that appealed to me in the spirit of "The Season of Giving."  
 

I was startled— don't they know this is The Season of Freaking Out? 
 

The Season of "OMG, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US"?

Maybe the donation-collectors know something I don't. I find that even as I strain to support my family, I am taking others in, packing up food for someone I know. We are not so many degrees separated. The membranes are thin right now.

Writers, musicians, filmmakers, those "artists"— we're starting to open up a little bit to each other about how bad it is. I was talking to an old musician I know… venerated.. and he said, "The fact that you called this office number and someone picked up the phone..is a miracle." 
 

"I know," I said. "My jaw is dropped."

He, of course, imagined I was living high on the hog because he'd seen my name in the press. "I'm so glad I'm fooling you, G--," I said, "'cause I didn't get paid to do any of that." 

The writer/journalist community is the one i know best— and it's a landscape most easily compared to Flint, Michigan. Our publishing world has simply gone out of business. The few publishers still operating have a new business model: Don't. Pay. Writers. 
 

The handful of reporters who remain in a union-guild newspaper bringing home a paycheck have serious survivors' guilt. 

It's interesting how the economic crisis hit book authors. Our "middle class" has been eliminated— not metaphorically, but literally. My freelance income has been cut 80% in the past couple years, and that's unremarkable. 

There were thousands of us in the "writer-middle." We weren't always on the NYTimes bestseller list, but our books filled many hands. Book reading was ubiquitous, not an eccentric hobby. We supported our families with our writing as surely as others did by welding or waitressing. (Two of my former teenage occupations that started with 'W'). Many of us were, or are, influential— the kind of people you say of later, "They changed my life." Little did you know the movers and shakers were parsing food stamps.

Why are working writers so shy to blubber on the street about their undeserved fate?
 

Well, it's because our world is based on "looking good" and not appearing ungrateful. Every deal, every new gig, is an audition. When we're told we're being let go, or that the corporation can only pay us $50 instead of $500, there's a taint that it's not about economics— that we simply didn't "merit" the cost. If only you had been a "better" writer, you might've been paid; your labor could have been respected. You're afraid that your reputation will be diminished if word gets around… 

This is the bubble that needs to be burst. When Conde Naste shutters its magazines, do you think it's because all those people didn't know how to string a sentence together? Do you imagine all those bloggers at HuffPo, Salon, Slate, Gawker, etc. are doing it because it's a darling little hobby and maybe someday they'll "rate" enough to get paid professionally? Look at the last issue of the New York Times Review of Books and try to guess how many of those authors will be able to pay the rent this month on their royalties. Now divide that by two. And divide again.

What about the big stars? They've been shocked as well. I've had household-name authors cry on the phone to me, grateful that I had a small three-figure licensing check for them. Olympians like John Grisham and Stephen King sell a fraction of what they used to— and if you read their interviews, you'll see their worried candor on the subject. They're aware their sales support a much bigger circle than their immediate family. Superstars may not be worried about their mortgages and medical bills, but their employees and philanthropic beneficiaries know the fine line they're living on. The pink slip is the new black coffin.

What about writers in academia, you may wonder? Well, those with tenure wander the crumbling halls, repeating, "No matter how bad it gets, I still have health insurance." Of course, that's before they see what the university had done to dilute their benefits. 
 

The greater group of teachers have no job security and are paid less per hour than you'd get at McDonald's. That's not an exaggeration… I took apart my paycheck one quarter from the University of California and did the math. Thank you, Simon and Schuster, for subsidizing three years of undergraduates that went through my classrooms. I couldn't have afforded it without my then-stable royalty income.

So why do we stick with our craft?  My answer is common:

I've been doing this for 30 years and "transitioning" is intimidating at this age. 

I'm skilled at what I do. I seems incredible that I should stop.
 

Most awkwardly, I identify with what I do. It's a little late for "What Color is My Parachute?" I already jumped.

Most artists you see around you are "diversifying" as much as they can. We are self-employed dervishes. Have you thought it was cute when you saw your favorite artists offering to share their work-out tips, summer camp tutorials, frosted cupcakes? 

I'm sure they all enjoy those personal interests, but their motive was economic desperation. They would've rather continued their legitimate book or recording career and made cupcakes in private.

The other thing artists are doing, like buskers, is to go direct to their fans. Buskers have the balls we all envy today. They never lived on the corporate tit.

Let me approach you with a song in my heart and tell you this: If even 1% of the people who read "Susie Bright's Journal" regularly sent a small subscription payment each month, it would allow me to fill my pen and keep going.

Could you help?

$5 a month?  You can set it up right here in less than a minute. 

I'm sure, if you saw me in person, you'd be like, "Susie! Let me get you a coffee! A pair of wool socks! It's on me!" And just a little bit of wool and caffeine from a larger pool of people would make all the difference.  

If you could make a tiny monthly donation, or a one-time donation, it could tip the scales at this point.
 

I know from your letters and phone calls over the years how much good will you have. Some of you have said to yourself, "I have got to stop buying another disposable copy of People magazine and start supporting my favorite independents!" You're right— do it. Not only do you feel better, but you actually end up reading more that you like. 
 

I  also know many of you are in similar worrisome straits, marching around the house screaming, "Turn off the lights! Nothing but peanut butter from now on!" I hear you. 
 

However, I am appealing to those of you who still have the income to purchase occasional books, albums, subscriptions, go to the movies, pay the fiddler a dram.
 

No one likes to come bugging their fans with their hat in hand. We want it all to be invisible to you. The less income authors see, perversely, the more tender our pride becomes. I'm much happier, more NORMAL, volunteering, chipping in, and doing pro bono-whatever than sitting on the other side of the cup.

Some skeptics may want to know if I've been imprudent. Is there a story here? Did I blow my early millions on cocaine and hookers and trips to Vegas?
 

Damn, I wish I had. I did make my publishers millions of dollars— but I blew my share, my thousands, on raising children. The roof repair was one hell of a kick. And there's nothing more fun than an unnecessary MRI bill. Oh, I've learned my lesson. When I get down to my last five bucks— instead of doing something sensible, I'm going to buy a bourbon.

We must fight against the dying of the light, I know. I'm one of multitudes trying to hang in there. 
 

One way to keep our spirits high is to give back in kind. When you donate directly to my work, I like to give you the best of what I'm working on. Anyone who subscribes to my blog, I always offer a free copy of my newest book or video— I want to lavish anyone who's sticking their neck out. 

So, for those of you who've benefited by my writing, been inspired or humored or informed or dazed, please think of subscribing. "I will make you happy," as they say.

And, if you're like, "No way— you don't "merit" it, Ms. Bright," then I must direct you to your bookshelf and bookmark list. What writer do you love?  Do they have a blog or a way to reach them directly? Ask me!— I know practically everyone who's still standing on one leg. 
 

Sit down and write them a letter about how their writing has affected you— and send them some coin. For those wool socks! If you think they're too rich and fat to care, write me first and I'll give you the scoop. I've had a ringside seat to the whole mess.
 

P.S. Some of you have asked me, "Susie, can I send you something instead of naked dollar bills that would be helpful?" Absolutely. You can drive over that cord of firewood right now. ;-)
 
 

P.S.S. I know this letter begs the question of what will happen to the Internet, media, reading, the "new business model" everyone keeps scrambling to predict. It is in difficult progress. The issue here is, who will be able to hang on by their fingernails until it's clear? I'm trying everything, and asking for your donation is one piece of the quilt— that could be its centerpiece. 

Waist Deep in The Big Regurgitation

via www.youtube.com

This version of "Big Muddy" is brought to you by a new administration:

 

The Nog-osphere is Back! — & You Need It More Than Ever

 Every year, I do it right.

Sure, I dabble in the supermarket eggnogs, the rice and soy variations- I appreciate every earnest effort.

But the ne plus ultra of nogging ecstasy can only be found in a homemade recipe. It is another level of nog-osphere. It is the difference between twilight and Aurora Borealis.

I found the eggnog to die for in one of my first cooking books when I was sixteen: Anna Thomas's "The Vegetarian Epicure."  After my first taste, I couldn't be satisified with the "Elmer's Glue" of commercial varieties.

In the beginning, I was a little shakey on how to separate an egg. But after cracking twelve beauties- more, actually, 'cause a couple landed on the floor- I was expert. The yolk and powdered-sugar slurry are then put into the fridge overnight-  the next day you add the whites and fresh cream.

 Yes, it takes a night and a  day to make The Nog of the Stars- are you ready to make the commitment?

Homemade eggnog consists of very few ingredients- and the closer you get to the hen and the cow, the more mind-boggling the results. Fresh whipping cream, raw milk, free range yolksters... that's the ticket!

My yuletide parties became famous for homemade noggin'. Guests arrive early, because the sweet nectar disappears fast. The psychoactive pungeance of fresh-grated nutmeg makes us all a little more giddy. Do you prefer virgin, or spiked?  I can make your eyes roll back in your head, either way.

Photo of "Kiss Eggs" by Raka,  whose Flickr collection is not to missed!
  

I Only Have 13 Invitations Left!

A little inside baseball for those of you who are bloggers:

BlogAds, my ad agency, has allowed me to handpick and sponsor a few bloggers each year, to admit to the club. 

But that system is ENDING in twenty days, and I only get to pick 13 more people. Thirteen!

Please write me ASAP if you want one of my last golden tickets. I need:

your blog name, 

your blog URL, and--

the email address you would want to be contacted at.
 

I want to promote my favorite writers, so let's do this!

Once you're "in" at BlogAds, you're part of their network— and yes indeed, the ad money rolls in. They take a small cut. They take care of the coding and tech stuff, so you don't have to run the ad production and bill-collecting. They just send you the check.

Of course you can promote your own advertising, (you should!) and sponsor free ads— you simply direct prospective clients to the BlogAds link or phone. When people ask me, "Hey, I'd like to advertise on your site," I send them over to BlogAds with a big kiss.

There's no quota. You just get back to your real interest, which is writing and editing your site!

But better than that, your blog gets grouped with other birds of a feather. For example, when "Brokeback Mountain" came out, the film distributor picked a whole bunch of liberal, queer, and feminist bloggers to launch an ad campaign. It was great... I loved the movie, it became a viral hit, and everyone profited.

You can also turn down any ad you don't like—boy, have I pressed that button. I've told the agency, "This ad would be okay if they changed an offensive photo or got real with their copy, blah blah." You don't have to tell the client, they tell them! Hooray!

I have sponsored feminist blogs, sex blogs, food blogs, politics blogs, cinema, whore blogs, queer blogs, hiking blogs, art of all kinds, fashion, bicycling, even a Korean soap opera blog. Subject is immaterial! Your readers won't be aware I am your sponsor, if that is a concern... they won't be reading me. It's a mentoring program. I would pick you based on three things:

a) you are gung-ho, reliable, a busy little bee

b) I love your writing

c) you get at least 3,000 hits a week.

If you don't have that much traffic, it's not worth your time. And if you're already getting more traffic than that per week and you're not running ads— you're nuts. Or you have a very nice trust fund and I envy you.

Okay, that's it. I await your email. Once I sign you up, you have to do the paperwork in the next couple weeks. 
 

Blogs and Clits UP, Susie

 P.S. Some of you may wonder, "Does Susie support this blog entirely on ads?" No, it's about half & half ads— and individuals who subscribe. 

All my subscribers get the royal treatment... i send them free copies of my books or videos, because they are the ONE PERCENT of my readership who understand that a meaningful blog doesn't exist on pixie dust. They're like the heroes who support public radio... they GET IT. 

I also subscribe to MY favorite independent bloggers and broadcasters. I stopped buying supermarket magazines and put my reading money into the writers' hands— best decision I ever made. 

Claudette Colvin, Not Rosa Parks, Was the First to Claim Her Seat

 

“My mother told me to be quiet about what I did,” Ms. Colvin recalled. “She told me: ‘Let Rosa be the one. White people aren’t going to bother Rosa — her skin is lighter than yours and they like her.’ ”

via www.nytimes.com

The author of this story "courted" Ms. Colvin for four years to get the interview that broke this story. It's fascinating. She, and another teenager, were the first ones to hang tight in their bus seats, but they were both not considered respectable enough to front the Mongomery anti-segragation campaign.

The Great Balloon Boy Wishes You an Awesome Thanksgiving

I'm especially fond of my Thanksgiving blog treats. Here is an index of previous inspirations:

NOVEMBER 26, 2008   Charlie Chaplin's Recession-Proof Thanksgiving 

NOVEMBER 21, 2007  

Mom's Baked Apples with the Marshmallow Buttplug

NOVEMBER 22, 2006  

If You Want to End War and Stuff You Got to Sing Loud

NOVEMBER 23, 2005  

Butterball Baby

NOVEMBER 21, 2007  

White House Turkey Stuffed with Leaks and Donuts

Why Does This "Deceived Dad" Story Remind Me of Gay Marriage Rights?

via www.nytimes.com

NYTimes Magazine cover story today about a cuckolded husband named Mike, who was aggrieved to learn that he'd been paying child support for years for a daughter who was not biologically his. He loves her dearly, but he doesn't want to pay child support-- and in fact, would like a refund.

His ex-wife (who lied to him about the paternity) eventually married her "true" love, the bio-dad of the daughter. He's a bit of a mystery in the article— don't know if he was in on the fraud or not. Nevertheless, the daughter lives with them but visits her Mike, the only guy she calls "Dad," every other week. Apparently none of the adults are rich or gallant enough to take on the financial burden on their own. 

Mike, meanwhile, married another woman named "Lori," who is bitter that they can't "afford" to have a child of their own as long as Mike is sending checks to the first family. 

It's ended up in court, where so far, through several appeals, the law holds that Mike still needs to keep paying his end.

it is MESSSSSY.

Personal relations between the so-called adults are so vituperative that "Lori," actually wrote a long comment after the NYT article (always a bad idea!) where she says every decision they've made has been "prayerfully considered." That's always a red flag.  

The grown-ups involved cannot come together equitably for the good of the daughter and the courts aren't much help either.  I'd hate to be any of them, growing old and realizing that... the affection and devotion of the kids you raise does not have a price tag on it.

One solution to these dilemmas would be to suggest that a child can have more than two parents legally responsible for them. Whoever shares the love and the bond shares the responsibilities.

I think this consciousness comes early to families who are deliberately formed through more complicated acts of conception rather than deception. If you are in an adoptive family, a "gay" family, a family where the "sperm and the egg" are not the whole story of who gives a damn about each other— you end up making your own plans and contracts to protect your mutual devotion to your kids. 

When anti-gay-marriage bigots scream that gay marriage may lead to legalized polyamory—with visions of sugarplum orgies dancing in their heads— they are missing the more important consequence. YES, if we reformed family law to reflect reality instead of Bible scripture, children's welfare would be better protected. 

I could say a hundred more things about this article— and the wrath that it unleashed in the Comments area... but why don't you take the reins?

Sapphire Before Precious— The Lesbian Story Behind "Push"

I've been looking forward to seeing the new film Precious for over a year now. It's adapted from one of my favorite novels, Push, by Sapphire, a woman who has a special place in my heart— she's a poet I published in 1989 in On Our Backs, one of those writers whose little story came into the slush pile and blew my mind. 

Her OOB story is about a woman finding her ex, Fontaine, strung out on heroin. It's called "New Orleans."

I remember my managing editor said at the time, "It doesn't really have that much sex in it—" and I said, "Who cares? She's brilliant and what's there is unforgettable."

I've attached the original publication here.

This was at a time when lesbian authors, to put it mildly, could not get a break. Before Dorothy Allison published Bastard Out of Carolina. Before Sarah Schulman had her novel mooched for RENT. Before Pat Califia was known outside of the queer inner sanctum. Lesbians were the Sisters From Another Planet. 

Remember when daytime talk show hosts weren't lesbians? When no uncloseted lesbian sang your favorite ballad on Top 40? 
 

At the time OOB published Sapphire's "New Orleans," most lesbians were uninvited to any party and unwilling to poke their heads out. The San Francisco Chronicle would routinely run stories about gay power in the city and interview a few men. Seriously. Things had not changed that much since Queen Victoria.

I'm deliberately writing this review of Push before I view Precious. I'm curious to see how much of the lesbian storyline is carried over from the book. The marketing campaign for the movie focuses on a teenage girl brutally abused by her mother, who has borne one "mongoloid" child and has another baby on the way, both a result of rape by her father. 
 

Rough, and true to the plot.

However, the main device of the narrative is that the protagonist is instigated to keep a diary in an English literacy class because she has to turn it in, in order to get her welfare check. Her teacher is a dyke.

When Precious begins her writing, it's a jumble of semi-literate English. It takes a moment to figure out what she's saying. Moreover, Precious has never expressed herself, or spoken openly about anything going on in her life. What rolls out is a cannon.

If Push is about ONE thing, it's this: when speaking truth to power, literacy is your sword. 

 

As Precious claims the written word, her life is revolutionized. 

The English classroom is filled with other illiterate teenage girls and we get to see some of their diaries, too. They're all wonderful. The teacher IS Sapphire. She really did this work for a living and she came out as a dyke to her students, which plays a scene in the book.
 

As disenfranchised as lesbians were at the time, her students were even more invisible. They were the unseen and uncared for. That this class even existed for a time was a miracle.
 

It seems odd to say that Push is a "feel-good" story— but it is! You scream aloud with joy as Precious begins to articulate what she feels and sees around her. Any teacher is going to cry for two weeks because this is what you LIVE for.

Sapphire has famously said that she wanted to write a novel where a young woman's life is transformed without a "Prince Charming." There's no man, there's no diet, there's no beauty makeover. The makeover happens inside and it's all because she TELLS HER STORY. 

I cannot wait to see this.

Below, some insider clips:

Some of you may know Gabby's mother, Alice Tan Ridley, who sings at the 42nd Street Subway station. She was the one who suggested her daughter go the audition. Awesome.
 
 

 And here's a lecture by Sapphire herself, after she won her recognition for Push. For those of us who loved her work before "Hollywood," this is a very special occasion.
 

Sapphire Lecture/Reading, 2007.

And finally, here's the trailer for Precious:

P.S. Thanks to Marcy Sheiner for kicking my butt to track "New Orleans" down! Some day I'll post the pages of  Califia's, Schulman's, and Allison's work from OOB here too. You'all should hang onto those back issues. They're quite rare... we didn't print very many copies and our back-issue inventory was lost in a storage shed disaster. 

Lies, Damned Lies, and Quotations!

"Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you."

—Mae West
 

I am an ardent quotations collector— I collect my favorites on slips of paper, write them on my hand, hoard hundreds on my hard drive. I belong to a brilliant "Quotation of the Day" mailing list that I look forward to each evening like a stiff drink. 

Really, who doesn't warm to the perfect zinger? They're as irresistible as truffles. 

The Internet is filled with "quote" sites, where you can look up anyone, no matter how obscure, and find their most famous aphorisms. 

I've been working on a book project where I find myself in deep quotation-research— and to my horror, I see that I, "Susie Bright," can be inventoried along with everyone else. Yet the "quotes" these sites attribute to me are so banal and fragmented they don't qualify as anything other than DRIVEL. 

Here's an insipid example: "I love turning my daughter on to old movies." Yeah, that's one for the ages! Mark Twain can just hand over his crown!

I guess these shitty quote-sites use some random "search-bot" to grab conversational-bird-droppings according to Proper Names—and that's what ends up in your file. (Maybe some of you know the real story?)

 I am no Dorothy Parker or Mae West, but I have come up with a memorable line now and again. I decided to start my own page of quotes, if only as a rebuttal. 

It's tricky to pick good quoations out, when one is the author— maybe what's significant to me is not of interest to others.
 

I remember an architect's office in West Los Angeles, across the Nuart Theater, once put a quote of mine up on their outdoor marquee, that said, "I masturbated to the Meese Report until I nearly passed out." They took a photo of their billboard at dawn and sent it to me, framed. I never would have guessed that statement made such an impression!

Here's my Susie Quote Page so far. Let me know if you have something in mind to add, or you think I should edit others out. Or tell me what your favorite line of mine is. It can be from books, articles, interviews, or something you overheard me say at a party— I don't care. 
 

Someday, when I'm 70, maybe Bartlett's will come find me— and I'll want my truffle basket to be in order!

UPDATE: Thanks so much for your suggestions in the comments below. I acted swiftly! Please keep'em coming, and if you have the cite, that's especially helpful, since I am now officially senile— all the more reason to accumulate quotes when my mind goes blank.

Mad Men, Ft. Hood, & the Stupak Amendment: Connect the Dots

 I can't be the only one to make the connection. 

For those of us who who are devoted to the American tele-novella Mad Men, the recent psycho-shooting at Ft. Hood had an eerie plot echo.
 

(Spoilers ahead).

In Mad Men, which takes place in New York of 1963, there's a fictional character named Greg, an aspiring surgeon who disgraces himself so badly in the operating room that he is forced to go into, shame of all shames, psychiatry. 
 

Since I've placed my life in the hands of a therapist more than once, this reaction came as a surprise to me! 
 

Yet among Greg's colleagues at the hospital, the psychiatry career path is considered a "fail." The deep background on Greg is that we already know he is a messed-up dude, a rapist with serious issues who is the LAST person you'd want to be talking to on a couch. 

As the season closes, we learn that Greg has joined the Army where they're desperate enough to take a loser like him and give him a surgeon's scalpel and a badge.
 

 He's so ignorant he doesn't have a clue that Vietnam is his imminent destination.

Meanwhile, in real life, Nidal Malik Hasan, the deranged Army psychiatrist who went on a shooting spree at Ft. Hood, also turns out to be… a failed surgeon. The detail that caught my eye was the anecdote revealed by his uncle, who said that Hasan went into psychiatry after he FAINTED in the O.R. during a routine childbirth. The sight of a baby emerging from a woman's vagina sent Nidal over the edge.

With that clue, something in me snapped.

This was a guy, who by all accounts so far, has never been on a date, and routinely complained to his mosque's imam that he couldn't find a woman "pious" enough to marry, a virgin who would wear a veil around the clock.

Hassan is being scrutinized for any potential ties to espionage, fanatical religious beliefs, and vicarious PTSD from treating so many broken soldiers.

 But this man's craziness is more clearly understood in the context of his severe and distorted sexual repression.

In the midst of this reality-fantasy convergence, another piece of patriarchal-creep rocked the country— this time, affecting more people than Ft. Hood and Mad Men's viewership combined. We witnessed the Orwellian "health care reform" process become derailed by what I call "The Stupid Amendment," a wildly successful Vatican intervention to make sure that whatever health care plan comes out of Congress, it will be engineered to control women's wombs. 

 In other words, health insurance for men, not for women. 

The Stupak Amendment is ostensibly about preventing women from using their insurance coverage to pay for abortion procedures. But making a rule that women's healthcare below the waist is subject to moral review is outrageous. 

Would any of these politicians consider making a health care exemption to the complications of a man's penis? His prostate? His semen? His scrotum? His urethra? Would urologists, like abortion surgeons, be treated like criminals whose entire knowledge base should be wiped out of existence? Would any man be put on parade to prove "rape, incest, or imminent death" in order to prove that he needed a procedure about ANYTHING?

"Pro-life" rhetoric is now used across the aisle, with even the President proclaiming that the federal government will never fund abortions. 

 

Afghanistan annihilation, yes! Abortion, no!
  
 

 Our war-lovin', misogynistic culture cares so little about "life" that the candlelight vigil for the Hasan's victims at Fort Hood had the air of a rote exercise. Here's Wade Goodwyn, from NPR, talking last week: 

The thing I was struck by was... that the vigil was a well-established routine. 

 

I mean, this was a pretty big moment for me, but I could tell that the attending crowd had done this before. 

And when we interviewed people, the soldiers and the families, after the vigil was over, they'd tell us, "I've been to too many of these already."

This country cares little about killing all life forms and even less about the welfare of its children. Our atrocious infant mortality rates, hungry children, uneducated children, children with birth defects and developmental disabilities treated like trash… my blood's turned cold.  Watching Congressmen gleefully cheer on the passage of the Stupak amendment, for me, was like watching Greg rape Joan— and worse, to witness her acceptance of it.
 

It reminds me of something I wrote in The Sexual State of the Union:

American boomerangs from "Fear of a Black Planet," a Youth Revolt, a genderfuck coup, to the opposite horror: that of a lone man with a big gun. 

Meet the older, privileged, "had-all-the-opportunities" kinda guy who comes equipped with a bomb, no dates, and a pathologically self-centered attitude. Oh, we'll wish he had only been in the Crips! If only he'd been a drag queen, if only he'd pierced his dick and gotten high on dope! Any of these would be preferable, a million times more humane. 

We can diss a counter-culture, but what are we supposed to do with a counter-human? We can't stand to look at the cult of alienated masculinity and wonder how we got here.

My Halloween Musical Gift to You!

via www.youtube.com

  Tom Waits on "Fernwood 2Night," circa 1977.

One day I hope to use every single one of Tom's lines that he cuts loose in this after-piano interview. 

I will start tonight!

Have a very spooky little evening...

I'll Be Reading My Favorite Judy Grahn Poem Tonight, in San Francisco

  

 

Also showcasing performances inspired by Judy’s writing...

“To The Mother Of All Bowls”

   choreographed and performed by Anne Bluethenthal and Dancers

“The Psychoanalysis of Edward the Dyke”

   presented by Susie Bright

Staged excerpt from The Queen of Swords

   directed by playwright and actress Jovelyn Richards

Reading from “A Woman Is Talking To Death”

   read by performance poet Daphne Gottlieb  

       

And screening footage from...

Poomaram (A Flowering Tree), inspired by“Bread, Blood, & Roses”

   written and directed by Indian filmmaker Vipin Vijay

1976 rendition of “A Mock Interrogation”

   performed by The Wallflower Order, introduction by Krissy Keefer       

  

Newly published book The Judy Grahn Reader will be available for discounted purchase,

and book signing will follow program.

 

In the spirit of the event, costumes are encouraged! Judy will award a prize for the best one!

 

 

The Judy Grahn All Hallows' Eve Extravaganza

October 30, 2009

6:30pm Reception with light buffet

7:15pm Program begins

Dance Mission Theater

3316 24th Street, at Mission

San Francisco, CA 94110

 

Free Event

Call 415-826-1300 for further info

Susie's Review of "The Erotic City" in SF Chronicle

"Every San Francisco neighborhood has two characters at each other's throats.

"The "Tweedledums" are the cranks - you see them glaring at your T-shirt from their second-story window. They scream "Pervert!" at two women pushing a stroller down the street; they scold the Catholic schoolgirls to pull their skirts down. 

"Stuffed shirts? They're zealots, and they've had Dianne Feinstein on speed-dial since 1977 to report every affront. Their motto: "Whatever happened to the decent San Francisco, the one where Grandpa could walk down the street without a queer or a hooker blemishing his view?"

"Grandpa was probably cross-dressing at Finocchio's, but we'll save that story for another day..."

 read the rest at: www.sfgate.com

How Erotica Causes Better Car Crashes

On my audio show today:

 How Erotic Audiobooks Nearly Caused Multiple Collisions
 

Listen to an excerpt: Download Pf_suzy_091023_sample
 

Also, on today's episode: my doubts about "the woman who can't stop orgasming"— and a lesbian listener who wonders why her girlfriend won't kiss her from head to toe.

 

Photo Credit: Holly Hunter and James Spader in David Cronenberg's Crash.

Our Marketing Plan : The Publisher Advises a New Author

I’ve attached a list of celebrities we think would be great to blurb your book, so find out their numbers and call them up. Be sure to do all this by Monday, because Sales Conference starts Tuesday. We come back Friday and then immediately on Saturday (!) all of editorial (Janet, plus probably Michelle, her assistant) and I go to the Frankfurt Book Fair for a week. During that time the office will be closed, although to help cover the costs of the Germany trip it will actually be sublet to the John Lindsay Elementary School P.T.A. as a rehearsal space for this year’s fund-raiser production of “The Music Man.” I’m told that this was one of the things that Jason didn’t understand and which contributed to his “condition.”

read the rest via www.newyorker.com

Yes, this is a satire. by Ellis Weiner. But it's so close to the truth that I have tears running down my face in laughter. Laughter, I tell you!