I live near a popular California highway that winds through the redwood forest canopy. Among the perennial tourism come-ons is a sign that advertises— in blood-red paint that looks like Tom Sawyer ran away from it— "Carved Bears Half Off." The discount has not been altered in thirty+ years, and it's been at least that long since the bears did the carving around here.
Old Man Waddell, one of our local pioneer legends, survived a mano a mano wrestling match with one grizzly, but died at the hands of another in the 19th century. Nowadays, the most dangerous animal, (besides man), that you may find in the woods is a mountain lion, and they have an intimidating enough reputation that no one has dared erect a discount sign for their caricature.
I've decided to erect a FER SALE sign myself. My intiative is the result of one of my latest web gadgets, a device called BlogLog that shows where people jump to after they've been reading this page— their exit strategy, as it were.
One of several surprises that caught my attention is that many of you seem click over to see my Clits Up! curio shoppe, where one can find dog sweaters, beer steins, and boxer shorts emblazoned with my dear motto. I was shocked to see the popularity of this link, because although my shop is very dear to me, I have only sold one thong and no dog sweaters. I've barely sold anything at all, and I was always convinced that my message must simply be ahead of its time. What an idiot I am!
So many people are clicking over there, it proves that readers are attracted to my message and the design. What stops everyone from frantic impulse buying? I began to browse around other Cafe Press sites and got a rude shock. My prices are ridiculously high. Everyone else is charging a two bit mark-up on their goods and I was trying for $5. I don't know what I picked five dollars... it was simply my notion of a nice profit per item. Apparently the way tshirt artists make money at Cafe Press is by volume, lots of quarters— and in some cases, promotion is the only virtue.
So duh, I submit. I've slashed, ripped, and carved the bare ass off the prices of my wares. You can now get a pink Clits Up! t-shirt for the inconsolably low price of 15.99. Needless to brag, this item cannot be found or purchased anywhere else in the known universe. You will be stunningly unique in its company.
Furthermore, I'm getting rid of some items to make way for new graphics, and this is your grizzly last chance to get your hands on them.
As of June 10, the Mommy's Little Girl Clock, Thong, Camisole, BBQ Apron, and Bike Bag will be departing, never to be seen again. Extinct. If you are Mommy's Little Girl, or you'd like to attract like-minded dollies, please visit my humble merchandising hut before they disappear.
In addition, I am phasing out the Clits Up! teddy bear. He is so adorable that he deserves to go out like a legend. You have ten more days to get him in your bed. $13.99 and that’s my final offer. If you post here and tell me a really good story about a grizzly bear, I will send you the very last one, for free.
And now you may go back to your regularly scheduled revolution and programming.
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