In Bed #222: Sex Dolls That Look Just Like You... or You!
Okay, it's time to take look at those realistic latex sex dolls that apparently every smart young lonelyhearts is ordering for Xmas! They are now "custom-made" to your specifications.
Their web site FAQ is the best part, in my opinion:
Question: What sort of people buy REALDOLL?
REALDOLL customers include futurists, artists, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, health professionals, housewives— you name it. There simply isn't just one type of REALDOLL customer! We provide REALDOLLs to single men, couples seeking to enhance their sex lives, people looking for exotic decorative art, adult retailers who want the ultimate display mannequin, or anyone who desires to possess the world's most realistic love doll (for whatever reason).
Question: Can you pull on her nipples hard without fear of tearing them?
Yes, within reason. REALDOLL's nipples can withstand approximately 400% elongation before tearing.
Question: What happens when "the honeymoon is over" and I feel that the doll is not for me and wish to return it?
Although we'd like to fully satisfy all our customers, our firm policy is: ALL SALES ARE FINAL.
Question: Do you have any rejects or used models I can buy for cheap?
This company makes theatrical models for use in stage and film productions, and so their craft comes from the Hollywood perspective. When I was in Six Feet Under, we had such a "doll" for the dead victim in the casket. It was unnervingly realistic. Even the parts the audience couldn't see, under the sheets, were done to spec. The corpse's belly and her breasts— her whole body— were exactly like her character, which in life, had been played by a real actress. And yes, we all had to look under the sheet.
Of course, it's incredibly easy to make fun of sex doll collectors, but I have to say, how do I justify myself when I was once the biggest Barbie fan of all time?
I loved my Barbies so much as a child, and in my own clueless way, they were part of my fantasy life. I was amped about the notion of my Barbie going on a date and having S-E-X. I didn't know what to do with her once I'd gotten her into her outfit, but in my mind, I'd worked myself into a lather. It was romantic and erotic and a little delirious.
Then I grew up. Is that what this fetish is all about, not growing up? I still indulge in childish icons from time to time: comfort food, a certain blanket, my saddle shoe obsession. I suppose the difference is a matter of how much time one spends occupied with childlike attachments. Frankly, I would like a real doll, especially one with long, long hair— and I would still go nuts dressing her up.
But I could never see this doll as my companion, lover, or family member! How can people talk about treasuring these dolls without mentioning the all-important aspect of communication and rapport? The discussion of these dolls on doll-fansites is so strange... as if the fantasy veil that they ARE your make-believe friend, filling all your needs, cannot be pierced.
Finally, in the "Try This At Home" mailbag, I help a woman who's husband refuses to take his much-needed Viagra.
In Bed #223: The Straight Girl's Guide to Lesbian Paradise
My guest this week is Jen Sincero, author of the hilarious and wise how-to book The Straight Girls' Guide to Sleeping with Chicks.
Jen and I share notes on the ups and downs of sleeping with women. When she talks, I take notes— or fall apart laughing. It was so refreshing to hear her point of view, because she is unencumbered by any politically correct rules of dyke dating. When you don't know the "penalties," then you can be so much more original!
I still don't understand how Jen can be this savvy and not be a stone-cold dyke. She knows things that longtime lesbians are still wandering in the desert searching for. Ah, the sacrifices one makes to be a guru! Seriously, her book, which I thought was going to be a joke, is the best sex manual I've read this year. It should be mandatory reading for anyone getting into bed with women, including men.
In the Try This at Home mailbag, Jen stuck around to help me with a letter from a man who says he'd do just about anything to help his wife get in touch with her sexual fantasies. We dare him to try a few things he hasn't thought of, like listening very, very carefully.