Your Golden Ticket to Self-Gratification

In Bed with Susie Bright #227: The Trouble with Masturbation

Welcome to the United States of Hysterica. In today's show I introduce you to Senator Sam Brownback, and his amazing arguments against porn in the latest Senate subcommittee to investigate the nefarious subject of sexual arousal among civilians.

In the past, porn was condemned by the feds because it was run by the Mafia. Or that it was degrading to women. Morally deficient. Or that it inspired otherwise normal men to become rapists. But that is all so passé!

The current GOP approach to erotic excoriation is more more basic. You see, watching porn leads to masturbation, which is the source vexation. Jilling off, according to Brownback's witnesses, causes a neurological reaction that makes your brain go haywire and makes you stop wanting sex with your spouse. "People watch a movie, read a book, listen to music, but they masturbate to pornography," one of the experts explained. "In that difference, you have a different stimulation to the brain."

I wonder what Brownback thinks of my latest guilty pleasure... and I really have kept it secret until now. I have sat alone in a room, all day, watching an entire DVD season of of that plastic surgeon soap opera, Nip/Tuck. Talk about pornography!  I scream and squeal so much during my marathon viewings that the neighbors must think I've organized an orgy and neglected to invite them. Interestingly, I still want to have sex with my old man.

The whole series is... sordid. Tawdry. Very, very Jackie Susann. There's a character that gets a Real Latex Doll made out of her vagina. 

Finally, in my  mailbag,  I answer a letter from a devoted husband who reports that although his wife has multiple orgasms, she seems to have lost almost all interest in sex. How can that be? (Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to me, at susie at audible dot com).

One last item... some of you have told me that you have friends who you think would love my show on Audible, but you can't quite get them to jump through the technical hoop to make it happen. They have iTunes but they've never opened the app. They love radio but they're afraid of digital anything. They think if it's really that good, it will eventually end up on NPR. Sadly, no! The FCC ain't gonna let that happen.

Well, I have a new idea. I have some "golden tickets" from Audible. They are little cards with a unique number on each one. Your friend goes to the Audible web site, types in the secret number, and they get two free books or shows— anything they want. It  doesn't have to be my show, although I'd be thrilled if they tried it! The entry page is very gentle and leads them through the download process. There are no strings attached, they don't have to give their credit card or anything.

It really is a freebie, with the explicit hope that your friend will be so bowled over that they will come back and subscribe to something. My dream is that they will become addicted to "In Bed" and won't be able to function like a normal human being ever again.  See, I told you it was upfront!

These cards don't work for anyone who already has an Audible account. And they only work once. But I would love to send you one, or two, or three— if you have that many friends who you think you could seduce!  Just email me and tell me your snail mail address. I'll pop them in the mail to  you. If you get any follow up feedback about what they think, I'd be v. interested to hear about it.

Comments

[Nancy S]

What the hell is the GOP talking about? Music, Movies, Books, TV I have masturbated to them all and I wouldn't identify any of them as pornography in their definition of the word....I know for one that I have masturbated to music ranging from Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" to Nine Inch Nails "Closer" and everything in between...I have also had sex with these songs playing in the background. I also very clearly remember masturbating as a kid to Little House on the Prairie....Laura Ingalls was very attractive to me and so was Almonso (I think that was his name). None of these masturbation marathons has ever made me not want to have sex with my significant other, if anything it increases my sex drive.

So perhaps we should send Senator Brownback a mixed CD or some favorite films or books and an instruction manual for masturbation, lube included. Could be he has never tried it, or isn't very good at it and is just hiding behind the GOP Rhetoric because he doesn't know any better.

[C.S. Lewiston]

Hey look, in Senator. Brownshirt’s home state, the teaching of scientific fact over religious doctrines endorsed by men in brown suits and blow-dried hairdos is forbidden. Why should his or his home state’s attitudes toward sex for any other reason than to bring more 700 Club members into the world be any different?

Seriously, if people were really set up such that their sexual urges could be completely satisfied by masturbating to pornography, then the AIDS epidemic would have ground to a screeching halt 25 years ago and Randall Terry and Reverend James Dobson would have had to have gone out and gotten real jobs! Yeah, there are a select few people who prefer solo sex to intercourse (and it ain't me, babe!). How’s that any different from being gay, bi, or having a leather fetish? And I’m sure your unattached readers would agree that a session of solo sex beats an evening wasted in a bar anytime.

“There's a character that gets a Real Latex Doll made out of her vagina. “
You mean the latex is CAST from her vagina, right? I certainly hope so!

At least one or two female porn stars are now marketing sex toys cast from their own genitals. Good Vibrations used to sell a dildo modeled after male pornster Jeff Stryker’s penis. Their ad copy warned that the toy was too big to fit most harnesses!

[Keith]

These people never completely go away...their agenda isn't really to ban porn or discourage masturbation, but to find a reason to control our lives. They won't be happy until we live in our own little Saudi Arabia.

[Sex-pos Fem]

Am I the only person that thinks penis is the dorkiest word in the English language? Anyway yeah "Closer" is a good song for that. Thanks for reminding me. Susie please do a journal about your Egg Sex article in the new Russ Kick disinformation guide Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong.

To the point. If people want to masturbate, they'll find a way regardless. In fact, of all the irony, my first "carnal knowledge" moment at age 5 was from a Children's Bible which had pictures of Adam and Eve in the garden. Ever since then I've always had this naked jungle exhibition thing as my funnest fantasy. Thanks Children's Bible! And my first masturbation attempt at 11 was after seeing the cartoon Cool World. People will find eroticism in different places, if not in themselves. I'm sure all some people have to do is look down at their own crotches. They can masturbate using their own imaginations, which includes old images from porns. Sometimes the images pop up in dreams against the person's "better" judgements. What will they do, tell people not to dream or think? People will still masturbate and are still having sex.

Besides, they must be talking about guys, because many girls masturbate WHILE having sex. Shouldn't that key them in? If it were a substitute, why would they bother? So someone tell me Congress has something better to do.

[Faith]

This WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY was built on slavery! Are we gonna say to hell with our whole fucking country, just because I disagree with what people did in the past?! Good heavens! Do we ban our government? The banks? Other companies that benefited from it? Geez, just SFTU and get a grip:-(!

[Lauire Mann]

My "public porn" is something I read on the bus just tonight:

A Real Estate Guide to Massachusetts

Yup.

A little magazine of color photos of expensive houses. Yup, if only I had $980,000 or so, I could buy one of them. Mine! Mine! So, maybe, I get a little hot and bothered. ;->

But, classic porn, I leave at home, on my PC, where it belongs!

[Susie Bright]

Nancy, I love the idea of making "masturbation CDs" of all the amazing music or books or whatever that we've jilled off to over the years.

Brownback seems born to star in the Mark Twain quote:
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

Lewiston, I love your point about these hypocrites need porn to stay in business. And I'm still laughing about my "doll made out of a vagina" slip. Pretty soon I'm going to have to get a remedial course at the Scooter Libby School of the Erotic Author!

[Susie Bright]

I just figured out a way I can give my 'golden tickets' away by email. So email me if you want one. If you put "golden ticket" in the subject line, it will help me spot you!

[Richard Lovel]

That's not all. If the US Senate isn't bad enough, the Mormon Church is now teaming up with the Heritage Society. Check out "Study of Effects of Pornography and Masturbation Addiction" by Jill Manning. Article on my blog at OnaniaJournal. http://onaniajournal.blogspot.com/2006/01/study-of-effects-of-pornography-and.html