In Bed with Susie Bright #227: The Trouble with Masturbation
Welcome to the United States of Hysterica. In today's show I introduce you to Senator Sam Brownback, and his amazing arguments against porn in the latest Senate subcommittee to investigate the nefarious subject of sexual arousal among civilians.
In the past, porn was condemned by the feds because it was run by the Mafia. Or that it was degrading to women. Morally deficient. Or that it inspired otherwise normal men to become rapists. But that is all so passé!
The current GOP approach to erotic excoriation is more more basic. You see, watching porn leads to masturbation, which is the source vexation. Jilling off, according to Brownback's witnesses, causes a neurological reaction that makes your brain go haywire and makes you stop wanting sex with your spouse. "People watch a movie, read a book, listen to music, but they masturbate to pornography," one of the experts explained. "In that difference, you have a different stimulation to the brain."
I wonder what Brownback thinks of my latest guilty pleasure... and I really have kept it secret until now. I have sat alone in a room, all day, watching an entire DVD season of of that plastic surgeon soap opera, Nip/Tuck. Talk about pornography! I scream and squeal so much during my marathon viewings that the neighbors must think I've organized an orgy and neglected to invite them. Interestingly, I still want to have sex with my old man.
The whole series is... sordid. Tawdry. Very, very Jackie Susann. There's a character that gets a Real Latex Doll made out of her vagina.
Finally, in my mailbag, I answer a letter from a devoted husband who reports that although his wife has multiple orgasms, she seems to have lost almost all interest in sex. How can that be? (Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to me, at susie at audible dot com).
One last item... some of you have told me that you have friends who you think would love my show on Audible, but you can't quite get them to jump through the technical hoop to make it happen. They have iTunes but they've never opened the app. They love radio but they're afraid of digital anything. They think if it's really that good, it will eventually end up on NPR. Sadly, no! The FCC ain't gonna let that happen.
Well, I have a new idea. I have some "golden tickets" from Audible. They are little cards with a unique number on each one. Your friend goes to the Audible web site, types in the secret number, and they get two free books or shows— anything they want. It doesn't have to be my show, although I'd be thrilled if they tried it! The entry page is very gentle and leads them through the download process. There are no strings attached, they don't have to give their credit card or anything.
It really is a freebie, with the explicit hope that your friend will be so bowled over that they will come back and subscribe to something. My dream is that they will become addicted to "In Bed" and won't be able to function like a normal human being ever again. See, I told you it was upfront!
These cards don't work for anyone who already has an Audible account. And they only work once. But I would love to send you one, or two, or three— if you have that many friends who you think you could seduce! Just email me and tell me your snail mail address. I'll pop them in the mail to you. If you get any follow up feedback about what they think, I'd be v. interested to hear about it.