The Paradox of the Sex Advice Shrink

Do sex therapists have any business writing popular self-help books? With thousands of these bedside paperbacks out there, how come everyone hasn't become a great lover by now? Why do people buy them, anyway, if the message doesn't penetrate?

The answers are debated with my guest In Bed this week, Ian Kerner, the best-selling author of Be Honest - You're Not that Into Him Either and She Comes First.

Ian and I discuss sexual dilemmas from dating to marriage, porn to body image.

I note that experienced psychologists face a dilemma when they publish a popular self-help book.

They know from their private practice, that you can't help people by feeding them cute slogans or sound bites. It doesn't work. As a therapist, your role is to elicit, not to dictate. Your client has to come to the "A-Ha!" experience on their own, in order for changes to really take place.

So how does a doctor then switch hats and write a book where he tells people what to do?  Is he selling out, or reaching an audience who would never go to the shrink's office anyway?

Ian obviously thought his efforts were worth it, but he has mixed feelings about the subject as well. He's deeper than his book's Table of Contents, as you might guess.

Some would say, "Let's not criticize a guy who write a bestseller that motivates men to go down on women!" I see your point, believe me. But I'd like to see what kind of book Ian would write to a different audience, more of a layer cake than the usual sex advice model.

My favorite part of the show was when Ian helped me answer a question from a listener. It was a blast, because he has no fear to jump in with personal analysis. We talked about a letter from a woman who says she feels like her whole sex life has become just one big performance— which I think a lot of femmes have felt at one time or another.

Original Episode 191: Modern Love with Ian Kerner

P.S. This is a "rerun" show,  since I was out with the flu for our last recording session. Next week, there will be a new one, even if I sound a little husky. You'll have to tell me if you like my lower timbre better.

BTW, if you asked me in December for a free "golden ticket" for free Audible shows, I just sent them all out last week. I ran out.... but then I begged for more!

I think it's a great idea... you email me your address, and I will send you these "Free" Audible cards that entitle any new user (has to be a virgin)  to two free books or programs, no strings attached. You don't have to enter your credit card or anything. The idea is that you'll be so bowled over that you'll eagerly subscribe to Audible for the future, without any further prompting.

And why not?  Just email me with the words "Golden Tickets" in the subject line, and tell me how many you want.

"Doctor" painting by Jeff Hathaway.

Comments

[Sex and Relationships blogger]

So I guess this book is not on your Amazon wishlist?

[susie Bright]

I've got an electric generator on my Amazon wishlist... to give you an idea of where I'm at!

The kind of books I usually put on my wishlist are things that no one sends me review copies of. I think I get every sex book that gets published. It's a little shocking how many there are lately. It's hard to stand out when you're really good.

Violet Blue's cunnilingus book is the best sheer technique manual I've ever read on going down.

As far as sex therapy books go, I like Jack Morin's "The Erotic Mind." There's a sex book that changed my life.

[Itinwi]

I haven't read the new book... though I feel like the title is probably sufficient. If I'm over at someone's house and see the "He's just not that into you" book and there's not an immediate explination... I'm out the door.

I have, however, read "She Comes First" and ended up writing a 5 page essay tearing it apart because it pissed me off so much. I probably haven't read as many sex manuals as many visitors to this site, but that book in particular was pretty much garbage, if you ask me... and not because I don't love going down on women.

[Richard T. Anderson]

Yay, it's like a play by play of your show, that I can't afford to pay for. I listened to four episodes for free back in 2002, I still get email from audible.

To bad web radio doesn't come to us free like regular radio. I know we pay for regular radio by listening to ads. But I'll let you in on a little secret. I change the channel when the commercials come on.

I'm very upset that I'm not a virgin and don't qualify for free epsodes, but at least you don't charge to read your blog.

I haven't read "Be Honest - You're Not that Into Him Either" or any of Ian's work, but I say, feel free to tease and critisize who you want.

Man, what a crummy blog comment. I'll do better next time, I swear.

Peace,
Rich

[rosewood]

I listened to this show on Saturday and it is a great conversation between two people who had a lot of wisdom for healing. The conversation is also between two people who respect each other's work but fear that they might disagree. We need more examples of people gently finding the commonalities between us when they aren't apparent.

For a long time I thought that I couldn't afford to listen to Susie's show, because Audible sells a monthly package of books and subscriptions that I wouldn't listen to. But I recently learned that you can subscribe to just her show for about $20 a year. If you like Susie's blog, you'll love her show.

[C.S. Lewiston]

Susie, as much as I've loved the few programs of yours that I've heard and as much as I'm champing at the bit to hear more, I've really got cold feet about installing Audible software on my system again after the way it munged it up not long ago. I really wish that you'd find some other way of selling your shows to us, either as high-quality MP3's (NOT through Itunes please, their software is from hell too and it only works under Windoze XP) or preferably as FLAC files, lossless compressed audio files which can be burnt to CD or coded to MP3 form for Ipoddery ( http://flac.sourceforge.net/ ). And the software's free.