Surviving for the Hell of It

My friend Kate Bornstein has just written a book called Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws.

Catchy title, eh?

Kate says in her intro:

"I’ve had a lot of reasons to kill myself, and a lot of time to do it in, and I stayed alive by doing things that many consider to be immoral or illegal. I’m glad I did it, because I’ve really enjoyed writing this book."

SB: Your book includes ALL the naughty, politically incorrect, fucked-up, backwards, not-exactly-healthy ways that people DO keep living instead of dying. That surprised me.

You were fair about every alternative, every pro and con. Drug binges, cutting, fasting, retail hysteria, and soulless fucking, etc. are not "great mental health"— but sometimes if they’re the only thing you can do to keep ticking, then you bloody well do it. 

It also makes the more "wholesome" alternatives look more credible, instead of patronizing.

KB: Thanks... I wrote the alternatives to suicide by diving into a deep depression, and then getting myself out of it.

And I did that 101 times.

So it was a pisser of a couple of years while I was writing this book. Most of the alternatives are kind of sweet, but the naughty, bad, politically incorrect ways saved my life many times over, and they always have.

If I didn’t tell my truth of that, my whole truth, and nuthin’ but my truth, then why bother writing the book at all? Besides, the fact that I *did* go on ticking made those otherwise crappy things I did to or for myself sort of mentally healthy, no?

SB: You weren't a goody-two-shoes about what might be necessary.

I don’t think I've ever seen a “Suicide Prevention” scheme that included such frank talk about the "compromised" ways people sometimes stay alive. Why did you decide to this? Is it controversial among the therapeutic community, or am I just clueless? What made you decide to get on the level about it?

KB: Well, I set out to write a book on suicide prevention, but that meant that the first chapter would have to be all about all the many irrefutable reasons you shouldn’t kill yourself.

And being the freak I am in this world, I couldn’t think of any. So, I looked through several bookstores and I used a flock of search engines to see if someone else had a bunch of good reasons I shouldn’t kill myself. Nothin’. Nada. Zip.

Everything out there told me to be "good" (by someone else’s rigid and moralistic definition of good); told me to get with God (a God who was totally pissed off at me, even when I wasn’t being mean to anyone); told me to straighten up and fly right.

And I didn’t wanna do any of that. I didn’t wanna be ashamed of my desires, oddball as my desires might be. I didn’t wanna give up what little joy I’d managed to find for myself in this fucked up right-wing world.

So I stopped trying to *prevent* anyone’s suicide, including my own; and I tried to write a book about making life worthwhile living, especially if it wasn’t living life on the terms set by the powers that be.

Once I decided to write a book like that, I realized I couldn’t pull any punches.

The book hasn’t been out long enough for me to know if it’s controversial in the therapeutic community. I do know that every therapist who’s read the book has (sometimes grudgingly) congratulated me. I guess time will tell if the book gets to sit on the shelves of medical schools and public school libraries.

SB: I liked that you pointed out why some of the more radical alternatives to suicide don't work in the long run, or why they might have disadvantages. Was there anything you had a hard time defending, personally?

KB: My editor, Crystal Yakacki, and I spent a long time honing down the more obviously edgy alternatives like drugs, anorexia, and cutting; but it wasn’t that difficult once we got past all the social myths and legal proscriptions.

I personally think the scariest alternative in the book is #68: Go completely batty. Losing yourself in madness doesn’t lend itself to any easy rational defense.

Interestingly enough, no one has complained about alternative #11: Tell a lie. I guess no one wants to throw the first stone on that one.

SB: I liked that you emphasized "no one thing" always works, or works forever. You say that you have to keep mixing up your survival techniques, or be open to something new. What made you realize that, once and for all?

KB: The perspective of old age. Here I am, nearly 60 years old, and there’s not one single thing that has ever worked for me every moment of my life.

The closest thing I could find to universal workability was the one rule in the book: don’t be mean. Being mean has invariably made my life miserable. Everything else has possibilities.

SB: Your book has a lot of youthful message to it, about having your whole life in front of you.

I have friends who are elderly, who’ve made plans to check out, to plan their death, willfully. They aren't depressed, they just want to be in control of their departure.

What do you think of that? Is it ever okay to say, "Hey, it's been great, but I'm leaving now, au revoir!"

KB: So few people have asked me about that one. But recently, the father of a friend of mine called me out on it. He said he didn’t want to go on living if he got to the point where his old age totally screwed up his quality of life.

I agree with him on that one, and I was able to tell him that the last five alternatives in the book can function as a runway to consciously and rationally taking his leave.

They even read that way I think:   

97. Take a walk in the woods
98. Learn moderation in all things.
99. Make your peace with death.
100. Tidy your campsite before you move on.

And if you wanna put the brakes on at the last minute:
101. Try to keep someone else alive.

SB: Why can two people go through identical life circumstances, and one be suicidal, while the other one stubbornly clings to life?

KB: It’s a great question, but it beats me. My best guess is that no two people view the world identically, ever.

It’s the old “one person’s meat is another person’s poison” sort of thing. And frankly, that makes life worth living: the fact that someone, somewhere, is going to have a positive take on what you think is the worst thing in the world; and it might just be worth staying alive long enough to find that person.

SB: Why do some people make suicidal gestures, but really aren't going to go through with it? —While others make damn sure that they do?

KB:  I haven’t studied the field of suicidology. Yep, there’s actually such a word, and people actually study it, thank goodness. You can meet a lot of them at www.suicidology.org.

But I can tell you some interesting statistics I found out while I was prowling around the web.

It seems that women and girls are 3 to 4 times more likely to consider suicide than boys or men.

But guys are 3 to 4 times more likely than gals to actually go through with it.

And that’s an international set of statistics. There’s a good gender string for someone to pull to find out what’s on the other end, doncha think?

SB: People often describe suicide as springing from a series of current tragic events: a heartbreak, a loss, a tragedy. But I tend to think of suicidal motivation as more of your emotional makeup and deep background, with events playing a secondary role.

I remember a scary night with my mom when I was a teen, when she decided to kill us both... (I'll leave that back-story out of it for the moment!) Anyway, I was sobbing, and beseeching her, "But I don't wanna die!"

And she kept saying, "Too bad!"— like Humphrey Bogart in a film noir. Those lines were like the tag lines of our lifelong stances.

However, as you can see, she didn’t go through with it, and she also never told me what pulled her back from the brink!

KB: Oh, hon! I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through that!! Had I been peeking over your shoulder (and without knowing any of the back-story) I might have referred you to one of several alternatives:

#12 Send out a distress signal.
#14 Run away and hide.
#93 Bring on Goliath!

So what *did* you do to live through that moment??

It’s pretty obvious to me that you eventually kept yourself alive using alternative #30, Go out there and be a star. You’ve always been that to me, and to so many sex and gender outlaws of all ages. Bless you a whole lot.

SB: I'd like to re-imagine that whole scene and take all your suggestions! I certainly didn’t at the time; I was petrified.

My mom was a huge star in her own way. If you ever saw the two of us in a room, she is the one who would shine! You know what they say about those crazy diamonds...

Kate has a blog devoted to the "the journals of a desperate and unrepentant pervert" that I recommend for even the straightest of arrows. And her audio interview with Betty Dodson is better than Johnny Carson on ecstacy.

Comments

[Steve]

I've already referred this book off to my brother's girlfriend whose daughter seems to have gone completely beserk. Maybe it will help. Thank you for reviewing it - the recommendation looks even more on target now.

I'm considering the scene you describe, and it seems quite real. Some people are never able to control their demons all the time. Maybe the book would have been a helpful tool for someone who really loved books?

[misterniceguy1960]

So many people who need this book. So many who needed it a long time ago. So many I'd like to give it to / have given it to.

And thank God that it includes socially condemned options. Some people need those. We're talking about saving lives here! What is social convention next to that?

[Carol]

Hey, Kate, I hope you read this. Once again you are saving my life, and yes I mean that literally. I'm not transgender, at least in the traditional way, but reading Gender Outlaw made me really explore my gender identity and allow myself to play with femme/butch etc roles.

And seriously, the Hello Cruel World Lite came just in the nick of time...

ANd thanks again, Susie for all you do.

[Babylon's Whore]

This is so very exciting! All day I have been stoked about this book. I work in a field where I deal with people who are suicidial quite often.
I really love #49 Find a God Who Believes in You!
Right on!
A lot of the time, the status quo determines all that people should have to live for. What if you don't give a flying fuck about what life seems to have to offer? Carving one's own path is truely the only way to find a reason to live.
Whoray!!!

[C.S. Lewiston]

Shit, goddamn, Susie. I'm sure glad your mother reconsidered her suicide/murder thing. [virtual hug]

I wonder how many situations like yours, which turned out the way yours did, happen every day in the US?

Digression: Comedian Ernie Kovacs spent about a year as a kid on New York's Welfare Island (no Medicaid back then, y'see), in a charity hospital ward with some serious illness or other, hovering between life and death for A YEAR. Small wonder that his philosophy of life in adulthood was "Nothing In Moderation!"

[Stephen Benson]

i once wrote what i thought was a totally cool suicide note. i was going to have a pistol and stuff at the kitchen table and stuck to the fridge with a tacky magnet a note which said:

I was cleaning my gun.

[Bill Brent]

The idea for this book totally rawks. I requested a review copy last week, and once it arrives, I will read it and post a review on my website and at Amazon.

I've been chronically depressed most of my life and have seriously considered suicide maybe three times. The strategies that have worked for me were:

- to become a star (which I've done different ways at different times),

- to do the drugs-and-sex binge (which I've only done once, and it actually made me into a much more emotionally healthy person), and

- to dive headlong into other people's problems (which only worked for me when I used books -- I read *Sybil* three times in high school, for instance -- but not so well IRL because, well, it just didn't!).

Oh, yeah, and then there's the ''just show up because it pisses them off'' strategy. I like that one a lot. ;-)

Even sight unseen, I sure hope this book makes it onto the school library bookshelves. It needs to be there.

--Bill

[Bill Brent]

P.S. Right now I'm working on:

100. Tidy your campsite before you move on.

I figure, even though I'm not planning on checking out, this is always good policy. Even before I survived my last serious consideration of suicide, I had a habit of clearing the air of any unfinished interpersonal business every six months. Highly recommended.

Furthermore, the process of life review via one's belongings is tremendous and I think most of us wait until far too late in life to accomplish that feat. I work at that every day now.

Cheers,

--Bill

[Barbie]

This is a must buy book! I can't wait to get it. I suffer from bipolar disorder and often lean towards the depressive side of it. There have been at least 3 occasions in my life where I've been suicidal...I sure could have used this then.

[Rowan]

Susie-

I'm so so glad your mother held back.

I'm chronically depressed. As hard as I try to be present for my daughter, Rhiannon, she has an imaginary parent she calls her "Rainbow Mom" who is always happy and surrounded by fairies.

Once, I got so sick of hearing about Rainbow Mom, I told Rhiannon that I was leaving. I had a suicide plan laid out that I would impliment when she was at preschool. When her dad came home, she went to him and said, sadly, "Mommy's leaving us." Of course, he confronted me about it. Rhiannon put her arms around my neck and told me she didn't want me to go. So I didn't. She pulled a #101 on me. She was four.

Without knowing your mother or the circumstances, I imagine at least part of the reason she didn't go through with it was because you didn't want her to.

I'm definately going to check out this book, HELLO CRUEL WORLD.

Blessings.

[Calamity J]

Susie & Kate:

THANK YOU BOTH SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!!!!!!!!!! I saw the ad on this site & purchased immediately. I've needed words of encouragement, understanding, & raw honest humor (beyond stale cliches & bucking up!) for some time now to keep going forward, and I am starting to see the true art of survival, for spite or love or determinaton, anger, joy, hope, or stubbornness, just keep going!

I am here to prove others wrong and I'm more than happy to oblige...

Thanks again & again,
JJF

[Rich]

Maybe the best reason not to commit suicide, especially when you're young, is that life is almost destined to get better. Life has its ups and downs, and almost by definition if you're thinking about suicide then it's at a down. That's not the ideal time to make that decision.

If you go on, then things probably will get better and you'll see the advantages of staying alive.

Some of the best times of my life have happened in the last few years. If I'd checked out when I was a teenager then I would have missed all those good times.

[Karen]

To Kate: I don't think you realize what a Secret Pal in the transgendered world that you are--my husband, to whom I was married for over 22 years before he told me his deep secrets {he is now her true self--=She :)
read your book...and in no small measure, I think that kept her from offing herself many years ago, to realize one is not a lone bug feeling different in a pasteurized world. So in essence, my dear, you are a Secret Heroine, for I can't imagine the world without my son's father, now a woman, for love never dies.
Not in my book. You are Loved and I am glad you had such courage to stay. To Susie: I don't always agree with you and sometimes feel condemned by you, for I follow Christ's teachings {the Real ones, not the fundy ones} and I always admire your courage in continuing to speak your mind and share an open discussion on most matters...that takes so much moxie in the face of what I imagine is great adversity from the crazies in this world--so thank you *both* for making our planet a more open, friendly place. If we each do something, even if only in our own little sphere of influence, to share fellowship, understanding, compassion, and Love--how much more wonderful living Life's Adventures will be!
hugs & kisses, ~xxooxx.

[CrankMama]

I'll add my gratitude to those messages above. I live in the mainstream, nice house, nice kids, nice husband, and reading of your courage and tenacity to live a truthful life, gives people like me hope that we don't need to follow all the picket fence cliches or ignore our demons. When I tell people that I long for anonymous meaningless sex, they look at me like I have 3 heads!

[C.S. Lewiston]

You do? Well, heck, why dincha tell me so? (Ba-da-bump!).

"Sex without love is an empty experience. Though as empty experiences go, it's not bad!" - Woody Allen

I'm not sure that there is such a thing as "meaningless sex". As far as I can tell, the search for sex is always at least to some degree, a search for connection, an antidote to alienation.

[chelsea girl]

Damn!

I wish this book had been around when I was deep covered in the warm blankness of my suicidality. It might have saved me a few scars. However, I'm glad it's out there for others, as glad as I am that I've found my own way out of suicide.

Thanks for writing about it, Susie.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

[Brian Watson]

Ms Bright,

I very much wanted to thank you for your interview with Kate Borstein on HuffPost today.

I have always felt a little guilty about the 'unhealthy' ways I managed to avoid suicide in the past. But then, in reading that interview, I realized: they work! I am alive and reading it, so of course they are healthy!

It was a relief. A profound relief.

Thank you.

I've always been happy that I made it through my dark times, but now I feel better about the processes that led me out.

And thank you, also, for sharing that intense bit of personal history. I, like Ms Borstein, am very glad you are still here.

yours,

Brian Watson

[Kenny]

Susie -

I want to THANK YOU with a big, massive HUG for posting something so completely, 100% authentic and honest.

I have attempted suicide – and entertained/displayed suicidal tendencies – at least twice in my life, but on both occasions I was taking prescription psychopharmaceuticals, and we all know the dirty little story on those nowadays on how they aggravate "agitated depression", so I don't know how "authentic" those experiences were for me. (I'm off all that crap now, btw.)

But what struck me about your friend Kate Bornstein's book was how she acknowledges the simple, stark reality of many people's existence that can drive such thinking, and how – by acknowledging that, and discussing " . . . ALL the naughty, politically incorrect, fucked-up, backwards, not-exactly-healthy ways that people DO keep living instead of dying . . . " – Kate actually validates what it is people in a suicidal frame of mind are feeling, and therefore thinking.

And you're both exactly right: some of the alternatives offered are definitely not the "politically correct" ways to deal with suicidal feelings and thoughts, but they are better than the alternative.

I've been down some of the paths described in your blog entry, and the funny thing is, when I got to the end of each path, I found out it was dead-end that didn't hold anything for me. So now I have one philosophy about life: Sometimes, life sucks – and sometimes, life sucks for a very long time. And the one and only rule of this philosophy? "Don't be mean." ;o)

It was Arianna Huffington, in one of her appearances on Bill Maher's "Real Time", that got me off the prescription crap when she said (and I'm definitely paraphrasing here), "I don't think we're supposed to feel good all the time; sometimes, life is very, very difficult, and you just have to deal with that the best way you know how, and I don't think prescription drugs are always an answer to that." It wasn't until I lost my career, my relationship, and my home that I realized that Paxil and Ambien were not, in fact, improving my "quality of life".

So, thanks again for having the courage to be authentic and honest – I know it's cliché, but I really do believe it's the one thing people are hungering for these days, at the level of their soul – and it's people like you and Kate Bornstein with forums like yours that have the ability to truly influence people's lives in ways you may never be aware of.

Always,
Kenny
www.attendingtolife.com