Turkey Stuffed with Leaks and Donuts

This is rich.

Remember Walter Scheib, the brilliant chef who was fired by Laura Bush’s East Wing for using traitorous French cooking techniques? — You know, like sauteing. W. hates “green food” and “wet fish,” and Scheib must have suffered under such constraints. Now he's serving his revenge— blazing hot.

Walter has just written a tell-all recipe book, White House Chef, which he's dedicated to Hillary Clinton— Quelle Surprise d'Octobre!

The Times has the whole story. For extra crumbly-Oreo satire on the same, read The Swift Report. It's more damning than not finding WMD in Iraq... it's finding out the Leaders of the Free World have No Fucking Taste Whatsoever. And critics like these fourth-estate slow-food bitches are never going to let them forget it!

Let me whet your appetite:

Scheib was a cooking diva, the fair-haired boy at the top of his class at the Culinary Institute of America. He worked his way up through the finest hotels and resorts in the country, a wunderkind, before Hillary Clinton summoned him to the White House.

Scheib was thrilled to discover his new mission. Unlike the dull reputation of many First Family kitchens, Hillary encouraged him to go wild with “what’s best about American food, wine, and entertaining.”

Of course he cooked comfort food for the Clintons, and I’m sure Bill got his share of grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches. But for public affairs, Scheib indulged his every nouvelle inspiration. He remained in the kitchen when the Bush family moved in, and made his quiet, pained adjustments.

But at last came the Cheney merengue.

Lynne Cheney, it seems, had a social secretary named Lea Berman who had no qualification for anything other than that her husband was a sugar lobbyist who gave beau-coup dough to the Bushies.

Berman was promoted in Bush's second term to run the First Lady's social affairs, and she was a real piece of trans-fat. She insisted Scheib create an inaugural dinner menu that paid honor to the corporate brand names of a dozen top GOP donors— like Dunkin' Donuts and Coca Cola. She'd tear out pages from Martha Stewart Living for Walter and tell him to make lunch look "just like the picture.” Whenever she saw anything on Scheib’s menus that offended her, like hummus spread, she would write “yuk!” in the margins.

Wouldn't you just love to see her trussed up in one of the pots in Muki’s Kitchen?

I can't wait to read Walter's entire recipe file. Damning with faint praise is nothing compared to being cursed with Kraft Singles!

After Scheib left the White House, an East Wing leak told The Wall Street Journal that the chef had been fired because he showed “a level of arrogance” in preparing scallops for the First Family even though the president detested them. Scheib protested: “If we had been told not to serve scallops, we wouldn’t serve them.”

But what did Walter do next? He offered one of his top secret recipes to listeners on NPR radio: "Seared Scallops in the Manner of An Old Friend." Gee, I wonder who that is?

The shellfish sound delicious, but I pine for the Inaugural Stuffed Turkey With Donuts recipe that Deanna Swift provides! I'm sure Dick Cheney can still feel the sharp pains in his upper left quadrant from that occasion.

Coca-Cola Brined Pilgrim's Pride Turkey with Dunkin’ Donuts Old-Fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

Coca-Cola Brine

1 1/4 cups salt
1 quart Coca-Cola
2 bay leaves
1 medium onion, peeled and halved
2 cloves
1 10- to 12-pound Pilgrim's Pride Whole Butter Basted Turkey

1. Place salt and Coca-Cola in a large deep pot and whisk until salt crystals dissolve. Whisk in 4 quarts cold water. Pin bay leaves to onion halves with cloves and add them to brine. Let mixture cool to room temperature.

2. Add Pilgrim's Pride turkey, placing a large heavy pot or sealed zip-top bag filled with cold water on top to keep bird submerged in Coca-Cola. Place pot in refrigerator and marinate overnight.

Dunkin Donuts Old-fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

6 cups Dunkin Donuts old-fashioned cake doughnuts, chopped
2 cups diced onion
1/2 cup butter
2 cups cranberries
2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 tablespoon dried sage
1 cup chicken broth

Cook onion in butter or margarine over low heat until soft. Add
doughnuts, cranberries, rosemary and sage, chicken broth,
salt and pepper to taste. Mix gently but thoroughly.

Roast Turkey

Remove Pilgrim's Pride turkey from Coca-Cola brine.

Thoroughly rinse turkey under a slow stream of cool water, rubbing gently to release salt and soda residue, both inside and out. Pat skin and both interior cavities dry. Remove neck and giblets. Begin lightly spooning doughnut stuffing into the neck cavity, then into the body cavity. After the bird has been stuffed, secure the legs to the tail. If the band of skin is not present, tie the legs securely to the tail with string. Twist the wing tips under the back of the turkey so they won't overcook.

Roast turkey, breast side down, in a preheated 325 degree oven for 2 hours. During this time, baste legs and back twice with Coca-Cola.

Dig in, everyone!

Comments

[C.S. Lewiston]

Coca-cola marinated roast turkey? With Dunkin' Donuts cake-doughnut stuffing? Now I KNOW I'm living in the End-Times! What's for dessert, deep-fried Twinkies? (Actually, mint sorbet would probably go well with anything of a chocolate-ish nature).

Those grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches must be a southern thing. I thought only Elvis ate them! A cafe in a nearby college town used to serve them ("while being watched over by the spirit of Elvis", according to their menu).

Not surprising that Generalissimo Dubya would be a diabolically fickle boss. I wonder why Chef Scheib dedicated what sounds like a terrific Thai-style curried scallops recipe to him? The kind of food I think of when I think of Dubya and his political allies is that monochromatic industrial food which they always serve at political fundraisers.

Digressing for a bit, I was at a local restaurant supply house today where they often have some good bargains. Today they had the brand of traditional jellied cranberry sauce which our family has been using for years, in resealable 4-pound plastic jars. It's good stuff, but geez, you have to spoon the stuff out. Everyone knows the traditional way is to buy it in a can, chill the can, cut both ends off the can and cut the resulting cranberry cylinder into 1/2-inch-thick slices!

Great article, as usual. Unfortunately, you have a couple of broken links up there.

The recipe is at:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4646505

And Muki's Kitchen (which is right sick) is at:
http://www.mukiskitchen.com/home.html

(BTW, Muki's reminded me, remember that poster from the early 70's which featured a back-on view of a nude (except for a cowboy hat) woman whose back was marked off into "cuts". like a butcher's guide, captioned "Break the dull steak habit"? Feminists of that day reviled it. The Manic Street Preachers and Sony Music got in trouble for trying to use it in an ad a few years ago.)

And for those who don't know, a "mandolin" (for the scallop recipe) is one of these:
http://www.nextag.com/mandolin-slicer/search-html

[Steve]

Funny. Only not funny. Just one more thing to turn my stomach about the idiots running our country. My fingers are crossed hoping for a fair election.

[Maggie]

Susie:

I actually didn't think it was possible for me to have less respect for our current administration, but what do you know? It's true. Can't wait to read this book. Thanks for making me smile in the middle of a Western blizzard.

--Maggie

[Taj]

Thanks for this article. I'm not surprised at all that there was a culinary clash in the White House. It's as though the Bushs' and Cheneys' felt insulted by intrepid cooking. So effin' silly, people.

[S.P.]

It doesn't surprise me that Duh-bya doesn't have much imagination regarding food... He's demonstrated that he doesn't have much imagination in many other areas, either...

I just heard that Krispy Kreme is having financial difficulties -- perhaps this stuffing recipe is just the thing to revive their flagging earnings... It's a NASCAR Thanksgiving!!!!

[S.P.]

Oh, and sadly, most of my in-laws are staunch Republicans who only watch Fox News, but who consider themselves gourmet chefs... SO, I forwarded your article to them, simply for the donut stuffing effect...

[Janet Hardy]

According to at least one site ( http://cucinatestarossa.blogs.com/weblog/2005/01/white_house_ina.html ), the menu's a spoof. I must confess to being perversely attracted to the idea of making that turkey, though.

[Rowan]

Susie-

Wow. Even more reasons this administration sucks--- no taste. It's white trash wealth gone amok! Not even the White House kitchen is safe.

"Coca-Cola Brined Pilgrim's Pride Turkey with Dunkin’ Donuts Old-Fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing." My goodness. Walter Scheib did the best he could with what he had. What a trooper.

[Viviane]

I stared in disbelief at the recipe, until I followed the link.

It is ingenious, but disgusting. An insult to turkeys. Gah.

[Spyderkl]

I saw the turkey recipe and followed the link. That's just sad. It's a tribute to Walter Scheib's talents, just the same. As my dad says, a true cook can make a great dinner from trash. Ahem.

The scallops recipe looked pretty good. I'm hoping the "old friend" is one or both of the Clintons.

[Spankbot]

Great post but you have a few things wrong. Contrary to popular belief, Walter Scheib was not fired for his "traitorous French cooking techniques." As he recalled it, the First Lady just wanted a change. He details this is his book which is a great read. That swift report site is a total joke... not surprising...

Furthermore, Walter Scheib is known for his tendency to highlight American cuisine - it's a passion of his. He now operates "THE AMERICAN CHEF", a company through which he shares his knowledge of the development of American cuisine while at the White House.

[spankbot]

Here is the story in his own words. An audio interview.
http://theamericanchef.com/americanchef_members.htm
Click on the "White House Years" link. Sounds like he likes Laura Bush...

[Avedon]

I have a confession: The first time I ever roasted meat, it was a honeyroast ham with a bottle of Coke poured over it. It was great.

(A tray of Cornish game hens with a beer poured over 'em wasn't bad, either. As far as I can tell, it is the only thing lager is good for.)

But generally, for a big bird, all you really need is lots of butter, a recipe I don't think you can improve on.

Ordinary dried-out bread with chestnuts, fried onions, and Allspice is the best stuffing. (I have spoken.)

I feel sorry for that chef, but I'd never make serious seafood for the kind of guy who wears cowboy boots but is afraid of horses.

[ChiaLynn]

Since we did a London broil with a Coke-Earl Grey marinade this weekend (and it was fabulous -- the fiance picked up the idea from an episode of "The Iron Chef"), I'm not saying anything about the turkey except "that actually sounds really good." Except I'll get the turkey from Whole Foods or Wild Oats or some other hippy grocer. And I draw the line at Dunkin' Donuts in my stuffing...

[Amien]

Wow! Great info. I wish, I could have such a writing skills.