I have a tangled tongue-twister in my head: How much cock would a wood-femme chuck, if a wood-femme would suck cock— is that how it goes?
The inspiration for my folly is a demented letter I found in my local family newspaper's advice column, from one of pretenders to the Ann Landers throne.
A distressed husband wrote in to ask, EXACTLY how many men it's okay for his wife to have slept with before they married. He wanted a digit. He can't sleep at night; he's thinking of divorce.
Episode 269: How Much Is Too Much (Sex)?
Listen to excerpt here...
If only the Dear Abby's of the world had the balls to give this guy a definitive answer! They try to let him down gently, but I believe a confrontation is required.
"Sir, the cut-off line is three hundred. Once your wife has fucked 301 men before you, that is the last straw. Her virtue has been irrevocably blemished. Until then, bombs away."
There is, supposedly, a proper white lie women are advised to tell their boyfriends when they're being interrogated about their "past." The proper young lady of today, (according to the Manhattan Gossip Indexes I so shamefully peruse), may admit up to three lovers and still allow for approbation.
However, the signal number "four" has the possibility of sending prospective husbands into a hair-tearing, ego-destroying meltdown.
I did not know this shit when I was growing up. To me, female virility is to be prized. The most common problem I see in my letter box is the sort of complaint from a long-married husband who's frustrated because his sexually-inexperienced, non-orgasmic, erotically-ambivalent wife doesn't feel like doing it anymore.
And yet he chose her for her purity, spurning those slutty others, didn't he? If only he'd held out for a woman with at least "four" on the floor!
In the second half of my podcast, I swoon over the new ultimate shoe fetish I discovered online. I covet these new platforms designed for streetwalkers, that come with cameras, speakers, network browsers, and even GPS locators in the heels. It's like a little TV screen in the bottom of your shoe, advertising your wares, broadcasting your politics, whatever you want. Can I get red sparkles on mine?
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I get a question from a mother whose teenage daughter wants a boob job for her birthday. Yikes! LOCK HER IN HER ROOM. Line up at least four dates and a therapist for her birthday, not a pair of new tits.
It breaks my heart to see a young women feel so inadequate like this. If she wants to engage her mother in the decision, it's a testing ground.
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for freebie girly cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 269, November 17, 2006).
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