Everyone has been on my ass about Global Orgasm Day, this December 22nd.
"Harrumph," I say— and no, that's not the sound of my climactic approach. Before I even clicked on the G.O. link and listened to the new age strums of the global orgasm guitar, I was already turned off.
How could I be such a curmudgeon? After all, I do want to "stop the war," and any moment dedicated to orgiastic pleasure and whirled peas can hardly be criticized.
It comes down to this: If I had a shred of evidence that my orgasm would force an immediate American withdrawal from Iraq, I'd be beating off furiously now.
The thing is, I'm more of a monkey-wrench masturbator. I'm one of those people who believe you have to throw your body on the cogs of the machine:
"There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part, you can't even passively take part, and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop! And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all!"
Listening to Mario Savio's speech still gets me more choked up than any arguments from the global-O organizers.
I'm an atheist; that may be the culprit. When the power of prayer, even lustful, is called upon— to "change the energy fields—" I get a little tense. I want to do something that has a chance of working, that goes beyond a media stunt. But rather than be a complete Scrooge about it— because I do appreciate the intent, after all— I always hope the prayer/orgasm marathon will at least be public, and defiant.
I could so get into the Global Jill-Off if it was combined with a work stoppage. I'd like it, if on December 22nd, everyone called into the office and said, "I'm not coming in today— I'm wanking for peace instead." Booyah!
I seek something that disturbs, something a little rude. Even if you didn't want to go to jail, get fired—or, in the most common scenario, have everyone stare at you— there are still other risks one could take that chip away at the cement block of the military industrial complex. Like talking up the issues, for instance...
Have you spoken with everyone you know, about why we're still at war? Why cutting and running never looked so good? Here's some good crib notes from Monsier Moore. Feel free to add that you pray and beat off for extra measure.
Since it's "Christmas Card" season, this is the perfect time to promote what Jesus might have said: "PULL OUT NOW."
Actually, George Carlin did say just that, and he was funnier. All this crap about "pulling out slowly" and a "timed withdrawal" is simply time for bankers to move their chess pieces. Every day there's another slaughter in Iraq, and a hell of a lot less orgasms, if you're counting.
I'd say the perfect gift this year for any your mates who still think there's a thimbleful of integrity left in the American invasion, is to offer them a DVD copy of Iraq for Sale.
After they watch it, invite them over to your house for hot cocoa and a letter-writing session to Nancy Pelosi suggesting she reconsider impeachment proceedings. The holiday warmth just couldn't get cosier. Go ahead and ice the cake with Big O Frosting if you like!
In fairness, I surfed over to the Global Orgasm folks' blog, and softened just a touch. It's started by two people. They're being attacked by bigots for being peaceniks, "anti-American," (what does THAT mean anymore?) and long-haired hottubbers... all of which I commend them for. It's marvelous that a couple of sex educators thought of a media performance to promote peace.
Maybe their idea of this baby step, like a prayer, will push the timid an inch closer to life-changing activism. —First a orgasm alone in your room, then a letter to your local congressman promising them you'll be jerking them right out of office if they don't get cracking. And then more— more bodies against the machine.
I read this from one of the G.O. entries:
"Is the Global Orgasm frivolous? If you're staring up the barrel of a gun, of course it is. And who knows if human consciousness can make a difference in the way the human race runs its world?"
That got me mad all over again. No, sexual liberation isn't frivolous, as pleasurable as it may be. That criticism is a puritanical shot from their hawk critics. Anything that promotes connection, and dissuades prejudice, is going to diminish violence. I'm with them on that.
But liberation is a philosophy, and without action, any philosophy looks stupid staring up barrels. Who needs more dilletantes: spiritual, orgasmic, or otherwise? Human consciousness sits around like an unplugged vibrator if you don't DO something about it.
One of my greatest outrages from growing up in the Irish-American Catholic church, was the promise that if I prayed for something REALLY HARD, counted my beads, and was REALLY, REALLY GOOD— and didn't cry out when I suffered— then maybe, if I performed this piety, God would answer my prayers.
I prayed for the war in Vietnam to stop... it makes me cry to think how hard I prayed for that. I went directly from listening to Walter Cronkite's casualty report every night to my rosary necklace. I prayed for my mom to be okay, and not get upset anymore. I prayed for an end to violence in my own home! And as you can imagine, my Acts of Contrition, Hail Mary's, and even my improvised conversations with "God" were not effective.
What made the war stop was the Vietnamese people, and the radical draft/war resistance at home. What stopped the violence in my own home was me getting out of it, which required action on the part of other adults... a little late, but better than never. All my virtue, rosary chanting, and begging didn't do squat. I might as well have been masturbating, or better yet, reading the good books that soon revealed to me that there was another way to look at the world.
My kind of Virgin Mary by the extraordinary Noistar.