It's Not Just You— It Really Is The Worst Day of the Year

According to the latest and brightest mathematical formulas, today sucks.

Yes, today is very likely the date that Dorothy Parker wrote:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

According to the Late January Biochemists, today's formula for perfect misery is: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.

Works like a charm, doesn't it?

W is the foul weather. D is your insane amount of debt. T is the time passed since your meltdown at Christmas. I'm not sure— because confidence isn't my strong suit this month— but I believe the M is for the New Year's resolution motivations you've given up on.

Studies show that if you were a butterball chain-smoking dope fiend on the first of the month, you really haven't budged an inch.

There's a remedial web site to advise you on how to beat these Late-Juno Blues, but I'm not going to link it here. It's too depressing.

"Run a mile," it says. "Write a list of everything you should be grateful for." "Curl up and watch The Sound of Music."

How 'bout if I ring up whoever compiled this list and tell them to FUCK OFF?  I'm smiling already.

I have my own suggestions. Lay down the noose, darling, and try this out:

1. Subscribe to my blog.

2. In return, I'll send you a free copy of Best American Erotica 2007, lovingly autographed.

3. Plus, I'll send you a Clits Up! button because I Wuv You.

Come one, come all— how can you pass up an autographed copy of the brand-spanking-new Best American Erotica 2007, where you can read about "The Lolita Backlash" and lose yourself in mindblowing short stories by authors like Octavia Butler, Dennis Cooper, Jessica Cutler, and Kathryn Harrison. If Dorothy Parker was alive, she'd eat this up! Get on it before next week, cause I might run out.

Why will this gimmick relieve your depression?

Giving to others always lifts your spirits. Secondly, when you receive a gift in return for your selfless generosity, your ego starts to swell. Finally, when that gift is something that no one else has yet because it's in advance of the official launch date, you get to be a smug member of a very exclusive club. BAE doesn't drop into stores until silly little February.

All of a sudden, late January is looking very sweet.

Here's the rules: (following odd little rules is also a helpful distraction from depression)

Subscribe to my blog for $5/month using Paypal: Link

You can "subscribe" as many times as you want.

Or, you can make a one-time donation (at least $7) using Amazon: Link.

Or, you can snail-mail me a donation check, for at least $7, to Susie Bright, Depression Special, P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061.

Whatever your method, follow up with an email to me, (Subject line: Depression Special), and give me your address like this:

Name
Address
City, ST ZIP

I will assemble the brown paper packages tied up with string and you'll be on your manic upswing in no time!

(If you're outside the US, send me your email, and I'll send you an ebook instead. I'm sorry, but the shipping costs and nosy prude customs officers ruin my earnest attempts to spoil you by snail mail).

WHY?— you ask, do I need subscriptions for this blog?  The rather convincing reasons are here: Link.

Now, everybody! Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Photo by the increasingly upbeat Nichole M. Song by the incandescent John Coltrane.

Comments

[celeriac]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/badscience/story/0,,1973441,00.html

[Steve]

You made me snicker with your comment about this being the WORST day of the year. It's my birthday, and I'm staying home from work, sitting around the house in my underwear, wasting the day on the internet. Some people might think that a pathetic way to spend your birthday, thus qualifying for WORST day of the year. Me? I'm in heaven. God just please grant me the ability to do this every day!

[Susie Bright]

Oh my god, I take it all back! It's Steve's birthday, and I should be the one getting the spanking! I'im so glad you had a sense of humor about it all.

I now amend my offer: if today is your birthday (Jan 22) —and you can send me some proof to the case— (Steve already passed the test) then I will send you a copy of BAE 07 just on general principle and you don't have to get in line at the subscription window!

That's so funny about the Guardian story dissing this badboy mathman. Well, he certainly knows how to strike a chord, doesn't he? I am always at my wits end this time of month.

I've often wondered if I would feel the same way in a Southern or tropical setting. Is everyone cheery in Tahiti right now? Do people who take winter vacations in sunny spots manage to escape the blues? I've never done it because it's also exactly the time of year I don't spend money on coffee, let alone vacations.

[C.S. Lewiston]

Aw c'mon! You of all people deserve a vacation! If you can't afford the deluxe kind, any way you've got for gettin' away from the same old same old to someplace new and cool (even if it's only less than an hour's drive or train/bus ride away) will do ya! Me, I get off on finding new thrift shops! (Hey, I'm easily amused!).

If I'm feeling depressed, "The Sound of Music" is not what springs to mind. I'd prefer some meatier fare:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic

"Buttocks and crotches and nipples with wings
These are a few of my favorite things!"
- National Lampoon,
"The Palma Sutra", sometime in the decadent 1970's.

John Coltrane's version of "My Favorite Things" is amazing. He took a schmaltzy Lerner & Lowe show tune and made it **FLY** (in both senses of the word)!

[Steve]

I didn't take the least bit of offense! Remember, this is the peak of the seasonal affective disorder season. For me, I've always enjoyed having a January birthday - a great excuse to have a badly needed party. In regards to the equation thing, being a corporate whore ain't all a bad thing, and it's pretty apparent to me these equations are bogus, so I'm chillin' with that.

Winter vacations to the tropics are great. Only you have to come back. So, you hope you're gone during the worst part of the weather, instead of the best part, because it's hell to come back to the worst of it. Anyway, I like winter. My favorite vacation time is during deer season so I can get away and avoid all the stupid hunters, and hopefully return to a home that is still intact. You know, though, that my favorite vacations have been those where I end up in a blizzard or rain, so perhaps for me the question is moot....

Anyway, I'll be looking for the book! Thank you!

[Rowan]

My birthday is on the 24th. Darn.

[Richard T. Anderson]

Worst day? January 22nd? Not this year. I got kissed for the first time since March. Yesterday was like a miracle. :D

Peace,
Rich

[lucimama]

Whoops. The story you linked to was from 2005, thus "Monday the 24th."

Makes me wonder if it's always the 24th (which means it's tomorrow: joys) or always the third Monday in January.

Fuck it, let's just say the whole week sucks, huh?

Grrr.