Ted Haggard Betting Pool
How much would you bet that Reverend Ted Haggard falls off the wagon in the very near future?
I'm serious. I know he just got a big check to shut up and leave town, but you know what he likes to spend his money on! Tick-tock, gentlemen.
This guy has crusaded against gay people for years— including while he was going down on a hooker named Mike. He had President Bush's little pink ear while his community equated homosexuals with murderers and thieves. He told his wife he was going on spiritual writing retreats while he was getting laid in Boys Town, dreaming about twinkie-orgies and scoring meth. His sex worker couldn't take it anymore when the Good Reverend started campaigning against gay marriage for the Colorado state ballot, and came forward to spill the beans.
Don't feel sorry for Mr. Haggard's privacy. Ted has now accepted a large "undisclosed amount" from his church elders in exchange for signing a confidentiality agreement and leaving town, after taking a three-week "cure" that wouldn't get rid of a cough, let alone a lifelong sexual preference for men.
Yes, it's high time to announce: The Ted Haggard Betting Pool.
We don't believe Ted's commitment to the straight and narrow is going to last, and we're willing to put money on it.
All pool proceeds will be split 50/50 between the winner(s), and LYRIC, the "young, loud, and proud" San Francisco youth group dedicated building LGBTQQ community and inspiring social change.
LYRIC is a role model for anyone who ever knew they were sexually "different" when they were young, and didn't want to be alone or afraid anymore. Ted could learn a lot from them!
How do you play? It's easy:
Pick Your Date
Pick any date(s) on the calendar between now and February 6, 2008. (That's the anniversary of Pastor Ted's announcement that he was "100% het" and that his "dark and repulsive" life was behind him).
You can pick as many dates as you want, a separate bet for each one.
Multiple players can pick the same date.
Place Your Bets
Send an email to bets@betonted.com with:
the date(s) you pick,
your email address,
your city & state, and,
the dollar amount you'd like to place on your picks.
There is a five dollar per-date minimum.
Send no money now... We'll settle up when Ted cracks, or the contest ends in one year.
You can do it!— you can spare five bucks for the thrill and good cause of a lifetime! Just imagine the bragging rights if you win.
It's a Win/Win/...Win Situation!
If Ted slips before February 6, 2008, 50% of winnings will go to LYRIC, and the other 50% will be awarded to the winning date-holder.
If more than one person holds the winning date, that 50% will be split among them.
If Ted is not caught screwing up or violating his vows in one year, than all the monies will go to LYRIC. A good cause will triumph whether Ted is sneaky or not!
If Ted cracks on a date NOT chosen by anyone, again, all proceeds go to LYRIC.
Tell Everyone You Know
The more people who know about our game, the closer watch we'll have on Ted.
Give them this address: http://BetOnTed.com, which will take them to this post and any updates!
If you wanna make "Bet On Ted" buttons, tshirts, or spinoffs of any kind, please do pile on. What should our theme song be? Here's an idea!
TedWatch: Keep Your Eyes Peeled
For all we know, Haggard might be having adulterous, meth-fueled, "gay" sex right now. But we need evidence! We need the date that something "comes out."
Any of the following events, reported in a credible publishing source, on a specific day, will be counted as a WINNING indictment of Ted's self-delusion:
- Ted's Gay Lover— a new one— steps forward with confession
- Ted busted on sex charge
- Ted divorce filed
- Ted drug arrest
- Ted commits adultery
- Ted comes out
I'll make it even sweeter. If Ted does COME OUT, apologizes, and makes amends, we'll all be delighted. Just imagine how many lives he could influence with his honesty, and even save... Redemption could be big. If that happens, I'll toss another $100 into the LYRIC pot!
Mesdames et Messiers, Place Your Bets! Please feel free to comment and announce your bets in the comments below, but for your "official" entry, be sure to mail me.
UPDATE 2/12:
Some savvy miss named "jbenet" at Majority Report has placed her bet on... today!
Linkfilter has kindly speculated on my own personal relationship with Jesus... awww.
Letter-D's LiveJournal has a good one I never heard before:
Q: What denomination is Ted Haggard?
A: Crystal Methodist
UPDATE 2/11, Midnight:
Mega-Traffic from Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo: Hit Me, Baby!
The Zero Boss has placed his evil stake on September 11.
RavenouslySearching is putting it all on the hottest week of summer.. great choice.
Peter Throckmorton of Jane's Guide has lovingly picked out he and his lover's birthdays... sweet!
This game was dreamed up by Laurie Mann and Susie Bright, who've created a contest as a way to have fun, expose hypocrisy, and promote sexual clarity and self-knowledge. There is no other agenda, scheme, or weirdness to our plans. Names and email addresses collected will be kept strictly private to run the pool, and then digitally shredded at its conclusion. ...Laurie's already picked New Year's Eve, and I'm all over any stressed-filled holiday! Photo: Owen Booth's beautiful gay cowboy doll. Caption by yours truly.
Not ready to bet (even if it is on a sure thing), but I love the idea of your game!
Posted by: C.S. Lewiston | February 11, 2007 at 10:16 PM
Looking for a theme song? How about "Luck, be a lady tonight"?
Paul (head Bean Snicker honcho)
Posted by: Bean Snicker Records | February 12, 2007 at 12:03 AM
A great idea, Susie, though I have to say I wish the proceeds were going to an organization helping gay kids in Colorado Springs, from which Haggard released his poison. No place is perfect for gay kids but SF has many more resources than others.
Posted by: Elusis | February 12, 2007 at 03:01 AM
I'm wondering where Ted has gone for his 'vacation'. My bet is it's either Key West, where it's warm, or Greenwich Village, where it's hot. Go Ted. If you click on my URL you can watch a short comedy that I made that totally excoriates the idiocy of the religious right.
Posted by: jay severin has a small pen1s | February 12, 2007 at 05:28 AM
According to Talking Points Memo, pastor Tim Ralph announced that Ted Haggard discovered that he was "totally heterosexual" after "acting out situations where things took place." Just curious, but what kind of situations where they acting out? What events took place? The concept of evangelical role-playing boggles the mind.
Posted by: msb | February 12, 2007 at 07:40 AM
Susie, you are TOO funny!
Posted by: abc | February 12, 2007 at 07:57 AM
With our luck, knowledge of this contest will be more effective in keeping Teddie on the "straight and narrow," per se, than any three-week Coochie Camp has done....
(What a concept, by the way... I wonder if they're offering this three-week indoctrination into the joys of the meeting of cock and pussy to the general pubic.... err... public??? And exactly WHAT are the study materials and lab projects???)
S.P.
Posted by: S.P. | February 12, 2007 at 08:23 AM
Can I backdate my prediction? My guess is he went straight from the cure back to the disease, crying bitter tears the entire way.
I have this vision of the "cleansing" being a combination of torture and erotica kind of like A Clockwork Orange only with homosexuality, not violence.
Posted by: Erik | February 12, 2007 at 12:02 PM
I wonder if Ted knows about it yet...
I wonder what he would do if he did know?
I too think that the bet might have the unintended result of keeping Ted ON the wagon! (and I liked the idea thrown out at Bookshop Santa Cruz: tempt ted six ways to Sunday!)
Posted by: RK | February 12, 2007 at 01:06 PM
Y'know, I spent all weekend working on a volunteer project. Besides a brief "time out" with my husband (for dinner and...etc.), helping Susie with this project turned out to be the most fun I had all weekend long... ;->
Posted by: Laurie D. T. Mann | February 12, 2007 at 02:44 PM
Susie
Caught this out on HuffPo and it's hilarious! ... Not sure if I'm going to dive into the pool but here's a riff I did the other day on this matter ...
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Top Ten Cloves: Ways Reverend Ralph Verified Tim Haggard Was "Completely Heterosexual"
http://puregarlic.blogspot.com/2007/02/top-ten-cloves-ways-reverand-ralph.html
5. Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video
Peace
JTD
The Garlic
Posted by: JTD | February 12, 2007 at 02:53 PM
Perfect theme song: "Can't Hide Love" by EWF. My date is 6/26/07 (emailed my official entry) It's a steamy summer date and my birthday!
Posted by: Jules | February 12, 2007 at 03:43 PM
Dibs on February 5, 2008-- not because I think Ted's going to stumble at the finish line, but because it's my birthday.
Another good choice for a theme song: "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" by John Lennon, written for the late Brian Epstein, the Beatles' gay manager.
Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Mark Twain: It is agreed, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it is not incumbent upon him to care whether the arrangement is satisfactory to anyone else or not.
Posted by: Jana C.H. | February 12, 2007 at 07:45 PM
Great Idea, my date is June, ninth (yes the dreaded 69). The way it will happen: Some enterprising young man will video tape the encounter and it will appear on YouTube.
The song: My Dingaling.
Posted by: gmyke | February 13, 2007 at 04:50 AM
Yeah, he's "cured"...
http://onfinite.com/libraries/1033431/edb.jpg
Posted by: MDC | February 14, 2007 at 01:54 AM
You could argue that it's improper to "celebrate" Ted's inevitable failure, but that's embracing the same logic as saying that predicting Bush's failure in Iraq is wrong.
When a person strides boldly, proudly, into the wood chipper, scorning all who advise otherwise, marking the occasion of failure is not only permissible, it's righteeous.
Posted by: misterniceguy1960 | February 15, 2007 at 03:23 AM
"
When a person strides boldly, proudly, into the wood chipper, scorning all who advise otherwise, marking the occasion of failure is not only permissible, it's righteeous.
"
Great quote. So reminiscent of many members of our government these days.
Posted by: Laurie D. T. Mann | February 16, 2007 at 05:17 AM
Now we know from the comments of one of Pastor Ted's supporters (http://theresurgence.com/md_blog_2006-11-03_evangelical_leader_quits -- the paragraph beginning "Most pastors I know...) that straight husbands turn to drug-fueled adulterous gay sex because their wives "let themselves go". So the time to lapse for Ted is a simple function of the rate of increase in his wife's waist measurement!
Posted by: Sprague Dawley | February 17, 2007 at 08:47 PM
why are christians so obsessed with sex, gender and genitals.. it seems that blaming gays and lesbians is like almost a passtime and obsession for many christians. Don't they ever worry about the real problems of the world, like hunger, poverty, war, disease , famine?
The bible is replete with admonishment about the sins of heterosexuals..in fact in old testamental times fornication and adultery was punishable by death...maybe we should reinstitute the death penalty for straight adulterers and fornicators --- hmmm stoning seems like an exciting sport - just ask the muslims where stoning of adulterers is still a rather exciting public entertainment ( i think i'm gonna throw up ).
christians used to demonize jews for centuries as jesus-killers and this embolden many ordinary germans to persecute jews leading to the holocaust. Similarly centuries of demonizing and denigration of gays and lesbians and sexual minorities have embolden otherwise morally bankrupt heterosexuals to discriminate and do violence to sexual minorities. This has got to stop. Christians are deluding themselves, if they really want to obey Christ then love God with all yr heart and immediately love your neighbour as yourself ..be they gay or straight. If you cannot practise this most important of all the commandments then you have no business declaring yourself a christian irregardless of how big your church or your choir or your coffer may be !
Oh..by the way Jesus said to the rich man..give up all your worldly goods and follow me! Did i hear any 'christians' dare to say AMEN LOL LOL LOL
Mikhail - a child of the intelligent Universe
Posted by: mikhail | February 26, 2007 at 07:14 AM
I voted for the week after Thanksgiving. That's the week that a lot of really horrible Crystal Meth Binges begin. The sheer torture and loneliness of spending Thursday with all those heterosexuals sends a lot of addicts back to their secret life. All that Hallmark(tm) contentment can really curdle you stomach.
It'll start for Ted at around 2am Thanksgiving night, and continue all day Friday, Saturday and into Sunday when he'll finally answer his cellphone and call his wife back so she won't report him missing. He'll sleep all day Monday and check into Rehab on Tuesday... Ahh, those Tina Tuesdays ... So I picked November 27th.
The other scenario is that he doesn't call on Sunday, continues through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and crashes his car on Thursday. He'll fall asleep behind the wheel and someone will end up dead.
Poor Ted. He must feel so trapped.
Posted by: Savagela | February 26, 2007 at 09:03 AM
How about a "Ted Heterosexuality Watch" Firefox extension, analagous to the Abe Vigoda Deathwatch one?
Posted by: Clay H. | February 27, 2007 at 09:30 PM
what is sex.
Posted by: div | March 11, 2008 at 05:51 AM