I've received so many new random honest porn reviews as a result of my subscription drive, that I've decided to give them their own new blog!
It's called Random Honest Porn Review.
It's bare bones. I decided to use the "food template" design from my blog server, because something about "sticking a fork in it" seemed appropriate. I published all the reviews we've received so far, with little pictures of each box cover next to the plate settings.
New reviews include: the unholy mess that Eddie Van Halen has created: "Sacred Sin," the lesbian-made "Crash Pad," (which sounds incredible) a new perspective on "Bend Over Boyfriend," Chicago's own "Urban Friction," the classic that gets everyone's panties in a twist, "Anna Obsessed," and something called "Beautiful" which is apparently not.
Thank you to my new subscribers in Dallas and Southern Indiana for keepin' it real! I get the biggest kick out of your candor on this subject.
I looked up all the above movies to compare the official reviews that appeared about them. In the case of the big budget projects (big budget by porn standards, which Van Halen certainly qualified for) every voice was glowing. Porn reviews are the worst case of everyone telling the Emperor his new clothes look swell.
I remember when I first got hired by Forum— many years ago when they were still in business— to write a monthly erotic film column. This was at the dawn of VHS! My first question to them the editor was, "And if it sucks, can I write about that?"
Now my comment makes me laugh, because he hired me when the porn still had a lot of traditional cinematic talent in it, particularly actors, DPs, and directors. They were shooting on 35mm and 16mm. In any case, he told me to "write whatever you want" —music to the nubile critic's ears. That's what I'll whisper in your ear, too!
If you want to publish an honest review of a porn movie, on our new blog, subscribe to my journal, (all the details are here, if you want to ponder) and then send me your snail mail to I can send you a free movie from my attic. Watch closely, and email me your review after you've spell-checked your way to infamy!
To read the rest of Susie's history as a porn and erotic cinema critic, check out:
Photo: The 500-Strong Orgy in Japan, which coincidentally holds the world's record naked peace signs flashed in one group.