Ten Money Questions, Squirm-Worthy

I answer most sex questions, no matter how personal, without blinking an eyelash.

But no one's ever asked me intimate secrets about money before— until I met editor Nina Smith from QueerCents, who propositioned me with 10 Money Questions.

How embarrassing! How shocking! I've never felt so completely NUDE!

Below are some of the more interesting stumpers she placed before me.

You can read my answers here: LINK.

She's also put other famous journalists on the hot-seat, like Dan Savage, Rebecca Walker, Gina Trapani, John Aravosis, and Deb Price. You can gape at all their interviews here: LINK. 

How would you answer:

What is your most significant memory about money?

What is your worst habit around finances?

Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?

Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?

I liked Dan Savage's answer to that last one. He replied, "Only when we’re screaming at each other."

 

Comments

[Dawn on MDI]

Money is one of those things too many of us never learn about until we already establish bad habits. It is a source of great shame for some, and evokes feelings of powerlessness. I know big-shot scientists who can split and splice DNA on a string who go into cold sweats when it comes to balancing a checkbook. I wish there was some kind of "money stuff you need to know before you do life" course in schools that EVERYONE, even the brainy kids, had to take, not just the kids bound for business school. Money issues can wreck a relationship almost as fast as sexual incompatibility, and like sex, to have a good thing with your partner, it takes patience, practice, compromise and lots and lots of communication to get it so it works for both of you.

[C.S. Lewiston]

What is your most significant memory about money?

Scarcity. But then, isn't that the foundation of any economy, capitalist or "socialist"?

What is your worst habit around finances?

Record shops to me are like bars and liquor stores to an incurable lush.

Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?

Yes.

Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?

Not in cash, no. My partner and I merely paid for it the way most do, with our hearts and souls.

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?

Frugality. Like most baby-boomers' parents, they were Depression babies. Waste not want not.

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?

See Dan Savage's response.

[Richard T. Anderson]

"Money is artificial scarcity." Not sure who said that, but it's certainly true. Think about it. Despite the fact that the world produces enough food to feed everyone, food appears scarce because some people don't have money to pay for it.

There's no scarcity of knowledge on how to build a habitat on Mars, nor are we lacking in the materials to build it. But lack of money prevents such an endeavor from taking place.

The money we use today isn't even real money. It's symbolic money. The paper bills were suppose to represent actual silver at one point in time. Theoretically we could all bring our paper money and exchange it for some precious metal, but if we actual tried that they wouldn't have enough, because those metals actually are scarce.

Then there's credit. Digital representation of money that no one really has. It's even less real than paper money.

Money is an illusion. An illusion that people die from lack of. An illusion that people sell their time, their souls, and their bodies to possess. It's ridiculous and quite sad.

Sorry, for the downer post.

Peace,
Rich

[anon]

You should sell an article on this if not a book! Almost all the money-related articles I see online sound like they are written by super-clueless people who have no idea that there are political issues involved or that not everyone has a huge salary and portfolio.

[Caitlin]

Most significant memory: Parents fighting about it. I still get a little cold and clammy when I have to pay my own bills, as those memories haunt me. When I was young, it seemed we never had enough of it---and when my stepdad took a hike, our family became almost destitute. My sister and I are still haunted by visions of winding up as bag ladies.

Worst habit around finances: Not saving as well as I should. Buying too many books, bottles of perfume, clothes and shoes (do I really need FOUR pair of green suede shoes?!), putting my career joy ahead of money making (though I'm not entirely sad about that). However, know this: I can squeeze money from the proverbial stone.

In a partnership: Both are important, depending on the nature of the partnership; however, if you're talking about marriage, I'll take finances over sex (but I'm a Cancerian). The notion of marriage originated as a civilizing force, a union of land and family, and, frankly, if children are involved, that's what it's all about---keeping the farm and/or estate together, to ensure secure futures. Sex is something one can get elsewhere, if need be. I'm infinitely practical on that count.

Never been paid for sex; however, know this: If you become my sexual partner in the long term, gifts of a particular quality will be expected by me. An example for you: The blue 1972 Mercedes Benz from my husband, or the beautiful necklace my lover gave me. I live fairly simply, overall, but anyone who can't match these trinkets need not apply for anything other than an occasional roll in the hay (maybe). Call me courtesanesque. If I'm your lover, I'll definitely function as your muse (that's my nature), so a few niceties are not too much in return. If you don't have cash, I'll receive massages or your professional services (according to your work) or labor (painting, interior design, gardening).

My parents taught me about money----almost nothing. Except what not to do (reference the first sentence in my entry above). I've pretty much learned from both my rich aunt and on my own---trial and error.

My current partner (aforementioned husband, now ex-husband, but best friend and partner) pretty much agree on finances. We pool for common expenses, and have our own money as well. We live simply but save for big stuff, and are dedicated to spending a great deal on our son's private school education and needs, as well as his forthcoming college needs too. These are big-ticket items, and we're both agreed that this is the most important expenditure in our lives. We are also now in a place where we have joined with my partner's siblings in helping out with my in-laws. At this juncture, the in-laws' own needs exceed their savings----so, we're officially members of the Sandwich generation. A lot of our money goes up or down a generation, but that's okay. We have a strong commitment to family.

[Laurie D. T. Mann]

Y'know, I've always been more open about what I do with money than what I do sexually (other than liking it quite BOTH quite a lot):

What is your most significant memory about money?

One Christmas, I wound up with something like $15 (a huge
sum in the late '60s when you're about 12). I spent about $12 getting my mother a mother's bracelet, with the birthstone of each child in it.

What is your worst habit around finances?

Probably too cautious in the stock market. I had a few thousand dollars I could have spent on Google stock, but it was up to $111 a share before I could buy any. That seemed abnormally high to me, so I didn't buy any. Now, it's over $500 a share. I'm also overly sentimental about stock. I worked for a company in the '80s that got bought out by another company (and I'm now spacing on which one) in the '90s. I held onto that stock until it dropped all the way to $2 a share.

Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?

You do need both. We fought over money quite a lot early in our marriage because we were really broke (my husband was a Catholic school teacher for two years). Once we had more money, we rarely fought about money. But we do have similar attitudes towards money.

Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?

Not directly, but I know people will say that just being married to a person with a job means I've been paid for.

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?

My mother mostly.

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?

We're pretty close to seeing eye-to-eye.

[Melissa (oddharmonic)]

What is your most significant memory about money?
Logging into online banking while I was visiting a friend and discovering my then-husband had emptied the savings account in my absence.

What is your worst habit around finances?
Not saving more when I had fewer financial obligations. I could have started earlier and had a nice nest egg sooner with less effort. I am saving slowly but steadily now.

Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?
That's like asking which foot is more important in walking.

Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?
No. I have been paid for non-contact forms of titillation.

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?
Don't spend money you don't have. A credit card is nice to have, but paying in cash is more concrete.

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?
Our previous experiences with financial issues in marriage helped us make much better decisions about our finances. One of the most important things we've done is keep a joint checking account to pay bills from and a joint savings account that includes other amounts earmarked for specific future uses, then keep individual accounts that we can use at our discretion.

[Steve]

"What is your most significant memory about money?"

my parents' obsession with it

"What is your worst habit around finances?"

that even though I have plenty of cash on hand, I have a 20K balance on a credit card and only make about one in three payments

"Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?"

financial, if i'm not with someone who's on the same page, the sex is going to suck anyway

"Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?"

Nope

"What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?"

Both parents taught me if it's worth buying, it's worth buying a version of quality.

Mother: Driving need to have lots of "things," security in possession, I used to be sucked into that. Now I think things are more of a burden.

Father: Money is something you manage. However, he tends to withhold it from those that he loves, because he's afraid they'll take advantage of him.

"If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?"

Pretty close. Some disagreements, but we each had our own stash.

[M Katherine]

I took the cue from you Susie and posted about this on my personal blog, as well as asking my friends to do the same. Normally I'd feel weird about posting something this long in a comments box...but since you asked...

I also feel that this really is an important topic and the more honest folks are about thier money issues the more surmountable they can become.

What is your most significant memory about money?

There are actually three that really stick out. First is my parents and grandparents fighting over who gets to pay the check when ever we would go out to dinner. It was mostly good natured but even a kid could see that there was some fucked-up power struggle going on between my dad and his dad.

Second is when I finally went away to WWU, to finish my degree, my mom totally wiged out with the whole empty nest thing(even though my brother still lived at home) and it manifested over money. The plan was that they would pay for my school as well as my living expenses(rent/groceries/etc) so I wouldn't have to work while there. I'd been living at home and working full time while getting my associates degree. But for those final two years they were gonna foot the bill. Well, I totally underestimated what my expenses would be, which meant that I had to ask for more money, which shouldn't have been that big a deal. They were drawing funds from a pension plan that my dad had been contributing to since he was 30, and there were no fees or penalties to do so. But my mom would get very passive aggressive about it and try to make me feel guilty which is SO not her style. The money wasn't the issue but she wasn't comfortable saying "I really miss you and want you to call more often". Our relationship took some serious blows over this but we finally came out the other side and have never revisited that place. Thank Goddess!

Last money memory was having to fight tooth and nail with my four bosses to get the raise I deserved as opposed to a $1 an hour increase that wasn't just inadequate, it was insulting. Hello! They loved what I was doing so much that they'd doubled my work load and were giving me even more responsibility during the same review. It was awful and I'm still bitter about it, but not nearly as bitter as they were that I fought them on it and won. And no it wasn't the money, it was that I was a woman.

What is your worst habit around finances?

Stressing out and then covering my eyes and trying to pretend the stress isn't there, sometimes going completely to ground and hermiting away in my apartment. Sucks to, because stressing doesn't just NOT help, it makes things worse. Where as just doing what I need to do and trusting that it will work out okay usually brings the money in again. *sigh* I'll learn it eventually.

Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?

Well my last long term basically blew up over both, so even though its a cop-out I'll say they're equally important if you're anything more then just lovers or fuck-buddies.

Have you ever paid or been paid for sex?

I have been paid for sex in the classic definition of said terms. But I would argue that at some time we've all paid for sex in one way or another. No money may have been exchanged but tell me you've never felt like you gave something up emotionally or compromised an ideal. Maybe not something you could use to buy food with but I bet it had an effect on your appetite.

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?

To be generous when you can. Whether that's leaving a 25% tip, helping out a friend in need, or ignoring the price sticker when you see something you really want to give someone. And don't live outside your means but enjoy yourself with what you do have. Just make sure your bills are covered first.

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?

Touched on this with the previous relationship question. Despite this posting I really do hate talking about money especially with people I care about and its an "our finances" conversation. If it's your money, you've got every right to do what ya want with it. But when it effects your ability to do things with me then it becomes my problem too. Hit this hard with my ex, so its still a touchy subject. But it did teach me a few things. I will never be someone's sugar mama again no matter what the circumstance(or how nice the sex). If living with someone is something that I ever consider doing agian, my partner better be doing as well as or better then me financially(and have a solid plan for when things get tough). And it did make me look at my own(though lesser) tendency at the time toward shopping therapy - buying stuff to make myself feel better. Often, ironically, over my money woes.

[Linda Rowland-Jones]

Money, the last taboo. The veils we rarely drop. I'm beginning to share my own financial concerns with friends out of desperation — SOMEONE has to be able to explain this stuff to me, or give me some kind of context to work with. Am I underpaid? overpaid? Should I count my blessings? How on earth are we expected to save or invest when we are still living hand-to mouth? Pay off debt or squirrel it away? Eat out or never, ever, have a latté again?
What is your most significant memory about money? — A natural disaster, road closure in the rural area I live in, that put me and my husband out of work for months, causing the slow, unconscious cannibalization of an inheritance. Dumbest thing ever.
Worst habit around finances? Impulse shopping, online. Just press the button and you too can have that baby's arm holding an apple.
Sexual or financial compatibility, what's more important? Sexual compatibilty is everything in my book. First things first. Give me that and let the chips fall.
Been paid or paid for sex? Let's just say I've paid my pound of flesh, several times.
Parents money teachings? Spend money looking good (dad) or suffer furiously in scarcity (mom)
Do my partner and I see eye to eye on finances? It's more like dueling ostriches, we both spend, and we both put our heads in the sand about it. However, at least we're talking about it more, so I'm hopeful.

[minstrel boy]

my most significant memory of money is coming off the road playing music with my dad, and the first stop being the reservation trading post.

we'd start paying off with our family's accounts, and then go on to as many relatives' accounts as we could afford. we'd always try to knock a little off of everybody's account.

it taught me that we weren't in it alone.

my worst habit is smoking. that shit's expensive.

sexual compatibility will trump finances for me all the time.

have I been paid, or paid for sex?

paid for it all over the world while in the navy, and later as a touring musician. it just makes plain sense to pay for it, if you want sex on the road-- and don't want complications.

i've never been paid for sex, but i've been paid by a mormon bishop daddy to never, ever, go near his daughter again.

both mom and dad taught me that if you share the little you have, it makes it easier for everybody.

single now, but the last divorce was behind my infidelities, and being a drunken sot (i'm sober now for 14 years).

[Turner]

"What is your most significant memory about money?"

Realizing how long it was going to take me to pay off my student loan when I got the payment plan from the bank. Big shock.

"What is your worst habit around finances?"

Not wanting to know the truth. Optimism.

"Is sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership?"

Sexual, hands down.

"Have you ever paid, or been paid, for sex?"

I've been paid to perform sex, and I might've accidentally paid my model to have sex, but I've never had a formal arrangement with a hooker.

"What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money?"

Mother: to worry
Father: not to

"If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye about finances?"

We have a very deep accomodation.

[Marcelle Manhattan]

Most significant memory about money:
Dad always having more than mom. (Insert feminist comment here.)

Worst habit around finances:
Spending to look like I have it to spend.

Sexual or financial compatibility more important in a partnership:
Sexual. I'm only attracted to rich people. ;)

Paid or been paid for sex:
Does fucking a guy for Red Sox tickets count?

What did your mother, or your father, teach you about money:
Mom taught me that women are financially inept.
Dad taught me that women are financially inept.

If you've been in a relationship, do you and your partner see eye-to-eye on finances?
A relationship? What the fuck is that??

[C4bl3Fl4m3]

Money is a Really Big Deal(TM) for me in my life right now because I'm really trying for the first time in my life to stay within my means. (I took a paycut of less than half from my last job to this job. It's HELL.) And I've been doing it for weeks now and I've been SUPER stressed out for the past couple of weeks because of it. I know it sounds really stupid and I should just stop my whining about it and just deal because many people have it worse than me, but, God, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. At my other jobs, I always made a lot more than my expenses and so I didn't have to watch my money. I have some to spare after I pay my bills, but it's not much and this is SUCH a shock to the system.

Your writing that you have a tendency to cover your eyes when it comes to money issues makes me feel SO much better. I thought I was the only one who did that, and that I was a little child for it. To know that someone I respect so much has the same issue makes me feel a little better about myself. There are other adults who have the same problem and we all work on it and it doesn't make us any less of an adult for it. (I'm a 25 year old and I'm still doing some of the transitioning from whatever I was before to adult.)

I don't think I can answer the questions right now because it's an extremely touchy subject and it's hitting far too close to home and it's wrapped up in SO many emotions for me, but I just wanted to say thank you for your responses. (Also, that we have a very different background when it comes towards money and classes and attitudes and politics therein. It's always interesting to me to see other people who come from a very different place than I do.)

[Steve Anderson]

I've been a student, I've worked fast-food. Then I got a computer job, made some bank. The one thing I've noticed from my perspective as a large-corporation employee with health care and stock options that might be of value to others is this:

Money only matters when you don't have it.

That's it. I can't account for very rich people that are tight with their finances - I don't understand them, and I know that that's where most of our paper-wealth is tied up these days. For myself, having retirement accounts moving along, a mortgage going down, and coverage for my wife's bout with breast cancer a few years back is just felt as security. It means I can put money where it'll do some good - like my prius, and buying wind power, and organic produce, and give it to good folks like the ACLU - and just not worry about my life.

I used to have some guilt about my priveleged position in society. I'm white, I'm male, I'm hetero, well until recently anyway... And I've got financial security. I think a lot of people in my position feel guilty, but I don't think it's very helpful. What we really want, what we should really have, isn't that I have less, but that everybody who has less than me should have more. We really *should* all be so fortunate. I think it's possible to move society in that direction, but the road isn't clear. It's important to realize it's not a "zero sum game" - we are capable of producing lots of tangible wealth (water, food, healthcare, housing, strawberry shortcake) for everyone sustainably, it's just a question of how to redesign our social systems to do this. Including all kinds of perspectives - reconciling free-market economics with things that we don't currently value according to their true cost or benefit, like fossil fuel consumption or housework.

I think it's really helpful to have thsese sorts of conversations. For everyone - all levels of our society. Money's something we're mostly pretty uncomfortable with - kind of like sex, actually - and it makes it difficult to have real conversation and make good decisions.