The Envelope Please... for The Oddest Book Title!

If I could win any prize, or seize the crown of any contest, it might be this one:

"The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year."

Drum roll, please for the 2008 winner of this august British competition...

"If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs"

London's Reuters reports on the 30th annual decision:

"If You Want Closure... makes redundant an entire genre of self-help tomes. So effective is the title that you don't even need to read the book itself," said Bookseller magazine's deputy editor Joel Rickett.

"The winner beat stiff competition from other short-listed titles including the somewhat niche Cheese Problems Solved, and How to Write a 'How to Write Book.'"

And let's not forget the other strong contender: Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogs, by none other than Catherine MacKinnon.

The trade booksellers who vote for the winner are so picky, that they didn't even give a trophy in 1987 and 1991, because there weren't any candidates sufficiently bizarre.

But what a pleasure it is to relish the odd champions that have clawed their way to the top:

Joy of Chickens, 1980

The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling 1983

The Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual 1990

Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition 1997

Living with Crazy Buttocks  2002 

Bomb-proof Your Horse: Teach Your Horse to Be Confident, Obedient, and Safe, No Matter What You Encounter 2004

Clearly the voters are attracted, in many years, to sex and to opinionated feminists. My favorite of the group so far is my own well-thumbed copy of The Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual by Pat Califia. It's one of the most down-to-earth "practical" books I've ever read, on any subject, from changing tires to cooking soup. It didn't hit me until now that it could appeal to more absurdist tastes.

I hope that Cheese Problems Solved will prove just as dependable!

Illustration: One of Harvey Kurtzman's  beloved covers for MAD magazine. All those "odd" title winners had "blah" book cover designs, so I chose something that captured the right visual spirit. Thanks to Steve Harsin for the tip!