Sex Addiction: The Big Con

Susie Bright Interviews Sexologist Leonore Tiefer
Sexual Addiction: The Big Scam

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Sexual theorist and therapist Dr. Leonore Tiefer is the leading challenger of the standard medical practice of using Viagra and other Big Pharm "miracle pills" to deal with women's sexual issues.

Susie and Leonore discuss the differences between sexual addiction, compulsion, and obsession— and why the hype about "Sex Addicts" is off the wall, and more than a little dangerous.

I never wanted to let Leonore out of the studio... she's the feminist therapist you dream of...

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Photo: The memorable front cover of Leonore's book, Sex is Not a Natural Act.

Comments

[E.J.]

You've touched on a subject that I've been concerned about for a long time, the current craze to exploit people's sexual anxieties to make money off of them by convincing them that they have a "problem." Marty Klein is another sex therapist who has written very clearly and eloquently on this subject, exposing the scam of the "sexual addiction" business. It is an enormous and widespread scam and I think a lot more mental health professionals should be speaking out and calling Bullshit on the whole sex-addiction-therapy industry. Most of this industry is being driven by pseudo-therapists who are religious fanatics and who are trying to foist an oversimplified and excessively restrictive model of sexual behavior onto the rest of the populace.

It has seemed to me for a very long time that the word "addiction" is ridiculously, comically overused in American English anyway.

It is a medical term with a very precise, very specific meaning. Addiction is an acquired unnatural physiological dependence upon some foreign substance serving no biological need, resulting in specific physical symptoms if the foreign substance is withheld. One example is alcoholism, the medical state of addiction to alcohol, in which the person will suffer delerium tremens without alcohol.

If withdrawal doesn't cause illness, it's not addiction. A guy who causes grief for his wife because can't keep it in his pants isn't an "addict," he's just an asshole. Being an asshole is not a medical condition.

Americans, of course, love to be told that they're not responsible for their own freely chosen bad behavior, and there are vast sums of money to be made by telling people that their bad habits are someone else's fault. There is even more money to be made by telling Americans that their bad choices can be cured by means of an expensive little pill.

[Sandrino]

In my opinion a guy who can't keep it in his pants is technically more of a dick than an asshole. ;)

[Lise Menn]

Teifer's assault on the desire to be pronounced 'normal' is brilliant.

Miss L.

[Rich]

The final arbiter of sex is the person who's going to have it. If they're happy with what they've got, then there's no need to change it. Having Viagra or whatever available isn't the problem, it's the pressure to use something to change what people have. The whole "addiction" industry does that, and it's a troubling trend.

[C.S. Lewiston]

Most of [the sex-addiction] industry is being driven by pseudo-therapists who are religious fanatics and who are trying to foist an oversimplified and excessively restrictive model of sexual behavior onto the rest of the populace.

Can you say “Doctor Phil”?

Americans, of course, love to be told that they're not responsible for their own freely chosen bad behavior ...

And this is one of the axes around which tyranny spins. Infantilize people by convincing them that they have no control over the direction of their lives (and therefore no responsibilities) and you can do whatever the fuck you want to and with them. Isn’t this how the current gaggle of TV evangelists support their racket?

[Duncan]

I'm not sure that a guy who "can't keep it in his pants" is necessarily an asshole. Just because sexual desire isn't an addiction doesn't mean it's under one's complete control. Anyone who's ever been hopelessly in love with someone inaccessible, and tried unsuccessfully to make the feeling go away, knows better. It might be better if we stopped expecting people to be monogamous for a lifetime -- it doesn't suit women any better than it suits men.

But yeah, "addiction" is definitely overused. I wouldn't blame it entirely on America, since the medicalization of everything basically originated in Europe. (The masturbator, the homosexual, the drug addict, the uppity woman, the Jew, etc.) There's a good book, "Diseasing of America: How We Allowed Recovery Zealots and the Treatment Industry to Convince Us We Are Out of Control", by Stanton Peele, that cover this matter very well.

One thing that I think is a giveaway on the bogusness of the "sex addiction" (or "love addiction," or "porn addiction") concept is that according to the 12-step model, you will always be an addict and can never have even a little taste of your drug for the rest of your life. But supposedly, as far as I can tell, the hucksters behind these addiction concepts promise to make it possible for the addicts to have a 'normal' love or sex life. "Women Who Love Too Much" offered that hope, I remember.

[E.J.]

I am concerned that the word "addiction" is being so widely misused these days. Instead of being a meaningful medical diagnosis as it originally was, now it's become a fearmongering buzzword, bandied about by people who have ulterior motives and who are trying to manipulate others by exploiting their anxieties.

[justbrent]

The thing that has always puzzled me is the difference between a "sex addict" and someone who just likes sex a lot. As nearly as I can tell, the only real difference is that "addicts" feel guilty for their behavior---generally because they have been socialized to believe that sex (either all sex or just a certain type of sex) is bad.

I have "sexual addiction" as one of my tags on WordPress, and I always get fascinating results when I use the tag surfer. A typical "sex addiction" post goes something like this:

"My goal today is to avoid touching myself or getting sexually excited at all. It's going to be hard, since there are so many women around who dress in provocative ways. I have to find new ways to avoid looking at them. Jesus, please help me with my horrible love of sex."

WTF? If that description accurately describes sex addiction, I've got a serious monkey on my back. Let's see:

Enjoys sex---check
Enjoys touching self---check
Has sexual thoughts---check
Admires women dressed provocatively--check

Really, I think "sex addicts" have one of two things going on: (1) belong to a religion with anti-sexual dogma and think that its a sign or moral failing to have normal sexual desires or (2) have serious psychological issues that cause them to use sexual behavior as a type of self-medicating or distraction.

[me]

Someone with a sex addiction can struggle with a 'normal' monogamous relationship and fail repeatedly, not realizing that the women/sex/conquest thrill is the drug of choice. They want intimacy and trust, but are unable to hold up their end because they can't acknowledge or give up the thrill.

it's not a guilt or judgement call or moral or purient, there are tons of grey areas. It's near impossible to sustain a commited mononagmous relationship if you can't give up sport fucking.

[Mark Brown]

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2268.html

Hi Alice,

Is it possible to have too much sex? I didn't see any content on nymphomania. Could you please explain it? Is it considered a disease or something? I'm beginning to think it's a bad thing having too much sex, but it's difficult to consider giving it up; just a mini vacation seems forever and this is for both of us!

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

A magic number doesn't answer the question, "How much sex is too much?", nor does a national average. Religion, culture, family values, and personal feelings and choice help define what each individual considers "enough" or "too much" sex. The question to consider then is: what makes you think your stats are off the charts? You mentioned that you're beginning to consider too much sex a bad thing. What is bad about it? Is it bad because it's unhealthy? Because your skin is tender? Because you're neglecting your school/work? Are you still eating and sleeping? Are you answering the mail and phone? Seeing your friends? Having fun? You need to begin this process by answering these questions, defining what you might consider to be "too much," and also identifying what's bad about it.

Unless your sexual behavior is interfering with your daily routine, it is likely that you and your partner have high sex drives and enjoy having sex together during this time period. Once you figure out or feel more comfortable with the frequency of your sex sessions, you and your partner won't need to take a mini vacation from them, but perhaps you'll consider planning a fabulous trip to a tropical island, in reality or in your imagination.

Nymphomania is not a disease or a clinical condition. More generically known as "promiscuity," nymphomania is a word that refers specifically to women who have an "excessive" or "insatiable sex drive." For men, the equivalent is known as Satyriasis or Don Juanism. Often, the term "nympho" is used in a derogatory way. In some instances, a woman may be called a "nympho" because she enjoys sex. In other instances, a woman might get stuck with this label by a partner who feels inadequate about his or her sexual desire or performance. Levels of sexual desire vary, as does the way they are perceived.

When having sex is seen as one's sole priority, resulting in the neglect of other important facets of life (e.g., working, socializing, and sleeping), an addiction or compulsion to sex is considered. Sexual addiction and compulsivity include any sexual behavior when "had" or done in an obsessive, uncontrollable, and/or irrational way that can become self-destructive. People with this diagnosis feel, and indeed may have, little or no control over sex, and medication may be in order.

You can learn more about some of the issues you raised. Carol Groneman's book, Nymphomania: A History, or Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.'s books, Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction and Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict, are places to start. But in the meantime, enjoy your energy together.

Alice

[Jennifer]

While I agree that a LOT of "the hype" about sexual addiction is completely off-the-wall, I don't discount the entire problem. I used to scoff at the idea of sexual addiction; I even initially discounted my partner's disclosure to me about his compulsive behavior. I thought it was just "bad behavior" that could be fixed by communication. We were risk-taking, sex positive, kinky queer folks!

He has been in recovery for about 5 years now (in a 12 step group similar to AA) and it's been an amazing journey for us as a couple. What is disheartening to me is the complete dismissal of the possibility of sexually compulsive behavior among the sex positive crowd. I don't understand why the two are mutually exclusive. The negative reaction against sex addiction is just as fear-based and hyberbolic as some of the media frenzied sex addiction news-porn titallation.

I have also attended support groups for family and friends of those with sexual addictions for a few years. While I feared I would meet a ton of crazy, sex-negative, repressed, porn-burning soccer moms, I found only women and men trying to deal. I have been accepted just as I am -- a kinky, poly, bisexual -- by everyone at meetings.

I wish there was more middle ground discussion on this topic.

[Glitteratrix]

Jennifer,

"What is disheartening to me is the complete dismissal of the possibility of sexually compulsive behavior among the sex positive crowd."

I am a queer, sex-positive, sex-work-positive sex addict and I experience this all the time. While I would like to be more "out" about my addiction and be able to talk about how healthy pervy sluts (in the good way, of course) differ from addicted pervy sluts, I know that I will face a lot of resistance from people who think that I've been conned into believing some rhetoric that wants to pathologize non-hetero/vanilla/monogamous sexuality, particularly in women. I have gone to SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anon) groups in the past but have never been able to find someone who's been in a similar situation as myself, so thank you for posting about your partner! I'm struggling with figuring out how to maintain my ties to my queer, poly, sex-positive, sex-worker-positive community and still get support around my choices to abstain from certain behaviors and also not feel like I'm being addictively fed by being around them. My community, unfortunately, cheered me on while I got deeper and deeper into addictive behavior that on the outside seemed like really fun, sexually empowering practices (and actually did have some positive, non-addictive effects on me - it's not always so cut and dry), but ultimately fed an addiction that was incapable of being satiated. It feels like such a big mess sometimes. I have never met other sex-positive folks who have admitted to being addicted, so, yeah, thanks for posting!