Isn't that awful? I am picky and jaded.
A few months ago, a book arrived with the most ludicrous title, and I had to flip to the first page to see if its hubris was warranted. I kept laughing, one 'graph after the next. After I chortled my way through a few chapters, I realized, "This may be satire... but it's also the most honest sex talk I've seen from a man in a very long time. Women would really learn a thing or two from this."
By the time I reached Chapter 4, I did the very thing I would've never predicted from opening a strange public relations package.... I picked up the phone and called Adrian Colesberry on the spot.
I said, "Adrian, I am ready, I am eager, to make love to you. Right now."
And although our special moment hasn't been scheduled (yet), we are going to engage in a little foreplay. I am going to reprint an excerpt of Mr. Colesberry's book below. Lean back and take it all the way in. Just don't try to cut in front of me when you're through!
by Adrian Colesberry
A NOTE TO THE READER
Adrian’s testicles are very sensitive.
If he could magically have you know one single thing about him before your clothes came off, that would be it. He’s not freakishly hyper-concerned with the sensitivity of his testicles. Not at all. It’s just that in the past, they’ve caused him some discomfort, which he’d like to avoid in the future if he could manage it.
“Easy enough,” the plainspoken reader might be thinking, “Adrian should say, ‘Before I take my pants off, I want you to know that my testicles are very sensitive.’”
Sounds simple. Maybe the fresh breath of honesty would inspire something like the following exchange:
YOU: Sensitive? Well, thanks for telling me.
ADRIAN: Sure thing.
YOU: So, kissing but no squeezing?
YOU: While we’re talking... my nipples are sensitive too.
ADRIAN: Let me guess... sucking and licking but no pinching?
YOU: Why, yes. You really understand me.
ADRIAN: And you understand me.
YOU: Now that we’ve had this refreshingly honest conversation, I’m hotter than ever for you.
On the other hand, you might come back with, “Testicles? What made you think I was going to touch your testicles in the first place?!”
Way too risky for Adrian Colesberry.
But what if you didn’t have to learn about his testicles in the context of an awkward and potentially mood-wrecking conversation?
What if there existed some reliable source, like a book, where you could read, as a matter of indifferent fact, that Adrian Colesberry’s testicles were very sensitive?
Then your knowledge of how to handle them properly would be just another skill set in your possession, like long division or changing a tire.
Luckily, such a reliable source does exist! It’s How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry (by Adrian Colesberry). And in addition to informing you that Adrian Colesberry’s testicles are very sensitive, it’s chock full of helpful examples of how to make love to Adrian Colesberry gathered from the real-life and mostly positive experiences of people—people just like you—making love to Adrian Colesberry....