Behind every struggle for the underdog, the dispossessed, you'll find a cadre of sleepless dykes who will not rest until the cruel world changes its tune.
And then there's the not-so-awesome part.
Dyed-in-the-wool Amazons know something else: the big issues of late-stage capitalism and degenerate patriarchy may inspire us, but it's the small shit that drives us over the edge.
Scratch our animal-rescue cards, and you'll find just as many petty grudges, vicious digs, and decidedly wasteful prejudices as any junior high school clique.
Are dykes ever angry, bitter, small-minded? OH YEAH! Face it--we burned up more energy being pissed at "pornography" than we ever did when the Equal Rights Amendment went down in flames. If we weren't so sensitive and vulnerable, I'm sure we'd be ashamed of ourselves.
What follows is an annotated list of the major groups inside and outside the lesbian community who have caused most dykes to rend their garments at one time or another.
As with any typical lesbian gathering, consensus could not be reached on which group deserves the biggest ass-kicking:
a. Mom always liked you better.
b. Whoever has the most toys wins, right?
c. This is our competition-- and look who got hit by the ugly stick!
d. Marshmallow dick.
a. Mom always liked you better, too.
b. One more crack about "fish" and we're starting in on your bleeding piles.
c. You are NOT amusing.
d. You think you invented martyrdom? We have the patent.
a. Haven't found out you have a cunt yet.
b. Think you're being heroic when you bust us in the bathroom.
c. Don't even start on how "attractive" we'd be with just a little lipstick.
d. After you thank us for every single thing feminism has ever achieved, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
a. Cheaters, whiners, quitters.
b. A little less philosophy of life, a little more practice eating pussy.
c. Think you're being honest when you send the wedding invitation.
d. Go Away Little College Girl.
a. Here, let me help you carry that chip on your shoulder.
b. Hoarding your whitey-tighties in a fireproof envelope for the apocalypse.
c. Worse mid-life crisis than any straight guy.
d. Daddy's on the warpath.
a. Legs-in-the-air is only cute for the first two weeks.
b. Think you are so fucking smart.
c. So smart you spent the Gross National Product on shoes last year.
d. A little cocksucking never hurt a girl's career, now did it?
a. The last line of defense against pre-pubescent boys.
b. It's not just a lifestyle, it's a Canadian mullet.
c. Fucking would do wonders for your mood.
d. Food Nazis.
a. Your safe word is: Fashion Victim.
b. Why not just be a fag and get it over with?
c. Fell fast asleep at your dungeon party.
d. Your dogma ran over my endorphins.
a. When I am Old, I Shall Wear Pyrple.
b. Is this a phase all the O-Magazine girls go through?
c. A crystal is not a substitute for a sex life.
d. Your cats have worms.
Transwomen, submitted by the wicked Christine Beatty
a. Enough foundation to repel a Plutonium cloud.
b. Leave your male privilege at the door.
c. More Woman Than Thou.
d. Mom liked you best.
a. Like you never sucked a dick.
b. Like you never wore a dick.
c. Like you never jacked off to dicks, and
d. Like you *aren't* a dick.
a. Oh fuck it, Mom liked you better too?
b. Chas Bono
c. Old Lady Stole Your T-Cream
d. How can you get a perfectly good clit and cunt for under 10K but working dicks are unavailable at any price?
This was first published in the Stranger, when Dan Savage asked seven writers to tackle the Seven Deadly Sins, for Pride Week, without any pride whatsoever, let alone fear of favor. I poured a tall glass of courage and let it rip.
Graphic: Our beloved Hothead Paisan, Homocidal Lesbian Terrorist, by Diane Di Massa