Blow the horns! Toot the Tooters! Light the burning microphone!
I would be honored if you would phone my studio with a toast, a message, a memory, for my 500th anniversary this week.
Call my private voice mail: 831 480 5110— and say anything you want!
I'll save it as an MP3 file, my producer Jessica Lockhart will edit it so that you sound perfect, and we will broadcast them all for my big recording party this week.
Call by October 7th, this Thursday night, and we'll get you in.
You can leave your real name, a fake name, no name— just start blabbing. Last night I got a congrats call from "Michael" in Tokyo, telling me how much he enjoyed my last interview with Nicholson Baker, who helped me answer the "Don't Try This At Home" mailbag.
I love hearing everyone's opinions. What's your favorite In Bed moment? Who was your favorite guest? What do you want to hear on the show in the future?
Even if you just want to say congrats, it would mean the world to me to hear from some of the thousands of people who've subscribed to my program all these years.
Twelve years ago, before iPods, before i-Anything— when broadcasting an "audio show" was something that had to be explained in triplicate— I got a call from a new company called Audible, who told me they were digitizing the audiobook world.
They wanted to produce some original programs as well. They launched a comedy show starring Robin Williams, an astrology expert, and... me.
I was shocked when I outsold "Mrs. Doubtfire" and the Daily Zodiac!
I remember founder Don Katz told me, "We have something in mind like NPR, only with sex."
"I can do that!"
People have always asked me, "Why aren't you on Car Talk, This American Life, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Fresh Air— (actually I did have a show with Terry)— and I always say, 'It's because NPR is terrifed of sanctions over sexuality."
Having worked in public radio back in the days when the FCC was ruthless in this regard, I understand why. It's not like the Howard Stern show, where you can say "fuck it" and pay an enormous fine just to make your point.
Meanwhile, I had wildly ambitious ideas about what a smart, funny, intellectually-inquisitive program about sex would sound like, and I'm not done yet.
Here are just a few of my favorite moments:
Jen Sincero, on how straight woman (like her) can seduce "chicks," in no uncertain terms!
My interview with my late father, telling me— and singing— some of his most outrageous Coyote stories from his field research in the Karuk language up the Klamath River of California.
My church-going, African-American feminist editor at Penthouse, telling me about those boxes and boxes of real letters people wrote about their sex lives and sent to the Guccione headquarters— the real pizza delivery boys and nymphomaniac housewives!
Michael Bronski describing the "twilight" world of gay pulp novels in the 1950s with such detail that I felt like I was going back in a time machine.
Betty Dodson, arriving in a blinding snowstorm in NYC, after everyone else half her age had cancelled. She was in a glittering silver floorlength parka with the most outrageous answers to menopause that have ever come out of anyone's mouth.
Debunking Tantra with Hugh Urban!
Jamie Gillis, the Shakespearean-trained old-school porn star and Ultimate New Yorker, in his last interview before his death. He knew he had late-stage cancer, but none of us did, and I think that's why he was so candid with me. He made my normally stoic Maine producer melt like butter.
Staci Haines talking about surviving incest and thriving sexually, which brought us all to tears and some major realizations. Everyone who's been in abusive relationship should hear this, parts one and two.
Comedian and playwright Josh Kornbluth, who accepted my invitation on a DARE and had me rolling on the studio floor about his domestic sex life.
Erica Jong, for so eloquently admiring my breasts, and making the ultimate anti-cougar comment: "You can't be their nurse and you can't be their purse."
Doug Henwood, for so succintly laying out why the work ethic is the worst thing that ever happened to sex.
Dan Savage, of course, for tormenting me about my bisexuality and just for being the kind of guy who is as outraged as I am about everything else!
The time that escort/pro Veronica Monet got a call from a john right in the middle of the show and we all screamed, "ANSWER IT!"
Three Obscene Phone Calls! Sick, sick, sick... and so very funny.
Then there are the confessional "Tell Me Your Sex Story" interviews I've done with our listeners, where people just call up and tell the truth— what a revelation it is, compared to the usual propoganda you read.
Remember the pilot, who had more sex blasting through airspace than most of us have ever had on the ground? Or the female Canadian postal carrier who listens to my show as she's delivering the daily mail? If you ever wondered whether the mailman heard you having sex, well, the answer is... yes.
To all of you who've been so generous and thoughtful in your letters, phone calls and comments all these years, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my clit.
In case you haven't visited my Audible page lately, it's quite the treasure trove. All my past years of shows are bundled, reasonably priced, so you can catch up with everything. I have special compilations of my favorite interviews, or programs that focus on porn, on medicine, etc. All of my erotic anthologies and every book I've ever written is on audio, too. And there's free shows, too, if you're still in doubt!