I got a phone call from a Cosmo magazine, asking me to contribute a tip for their upcoming feature, "How to Improve Your Sex Life in 30 Days." The title of such a venture already gave me some doubts. I hated the whole notion of tightening up your libido the way you would a set of abs.
After a fruitless conversation, I hung up the phone, depressed by their orgasm-indifferent attitude towards women’s sexual pleasure. They thought improving your sex life meant impressing a man, rather than making a significant erotic impression on yourself.
To comfort my wounded soul, I logged on to my freelance writer chat-group online.
"I always get asked the same questions by these women's magazines," I wrote, in the "Pissed-Off" topic. "I wish someone would ask me how to RUIN their sex life in 30 days."
One of my colleagues, Mary Elizabeth, quickly posted her response: "Who needs 30 days?"
How right she is! Destroying your sex life is a snap, compared to enjoying it. I've devised a list of a dozen libido-killing strategies that any seeker of the sex-free lifestyle ought to be able to accomplish well before a month is up.
1) Don't admit your sexual desire
Single gals, go ahead and play the dating game all you want— the important thing is to never admit that you have a sexual interest at stake. Shop for the perfect marriage, but make sure that all your efforts are for romance, or God's will. Follow the "Cockteaser Manual” page by page, and rest assured that none of it will make you hot, horny or sweaty. If you make the right match in the proper state of sexual ignorance, you may elude the clutches of lust altogether.
Some of you bad girls who have been around the block may have dabbled in sexual pleasure in the past. It's time to straighten up and fly right. You're a wife and mother now— do you want people to think you're some disgusting slut? If you don't have a headache by now, start sniffing glue.
2) Stay indoors
This is one of those subtle but surefire strategies to shut off unwanted outbursts of sensuality. You don't want to feel the sun on your face. Remember: it's cancerous. Flowers will activate your allergies. Fresh air and exercise might wake your clitoris out of its coma. (If you're the type to stand in the middle of a storm singing "It's Raining Men," there's really nothing we can do for you).
3) Throw your diary in the trash
Self-reflection is a one-way ticket to erotic speculation. One moment you're innocently recording your dreams— and the next thing you know, your pen is scribbling an illicit fantasy. There you are, acting sexy without even taking your clothes off! It's time to stop "expressing yourself," and begin expressing a little self-restraint.
4) Blame it on the kids
This is a tip for the parents among you...
Continued in Mommy's Little Girl, "How To Ruin a Woman's Sex Life in 30 Days or Less"