I sit upon a lonely thone in a singular Hall of Fame: The X-Rated Critics, 5th Estate Division.
It is a rather solitary honor, as there are few people who've reviewed and critiqued erotic film ephemera for decades without spontaneous combustion.
Last year, I published the first volume of my vintage porn memoirs: The Erotic Screen. For those of you who love sleepers, high-low-brow erotic 35mm, the glory days of glory holes, I know it is a special treat.
Now it's time for everyone to share.
Behold the digestif —The first "Brazenly Cinephallic, Unapologetically Vulvacious" Porn Quiz," a game of memory and sweat-soaked splendor that will test your literary and celluoid wits to their limit.
I dare you to get lost in a thousand peep show wet dreams. Give me your HD money shot. Drown in erotic nostalgia— the very best kind.
How to Play
This is a parlour game, for our mutual amusement and edification. There are no "right" answers, just juicy ones.
Feel free to research questions you don't have immediate opinions on— or skip to those you do! It's best to settle into our quiz like a good bedtime story or a drive-in movie night.
There are two ways to publish your replies:
1. On your own blog... send us the link in the Comments section below!
or
2. Write your heart out in the Comments Section below. When you answer the quiz, be sure to copy and paste the questions, along with your answers— so readers will not have to constantly scroll up and down referencing what you're talking about!
Inspiration
I was provoked to compose this quiz by the legendary Dennis "There's Nothing Wrong with That" Cozallio, master of the Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule movie blog, who has posted an array of brilliant movie quizzes for years, in this same vein.
As Dennis says:
"We value your your honesty but equally so your loquaciousness, your willingness to participate elaborately.Answers are always much more fun to read if they go beyond the simple one or two-word response. Your logorrhea will not be punished here, only your reticence."
Prizes
Got your blue pencil ready? Everyone who posts answers to at least 20 of my questions will receive a free copy of The Erotic Screen (email me for your freebie, along with the link to your quiz notes or comments!)
1.Pick Or Choose Your Favorite Porn Quote:
The Quotes
A. “Sweden: Heaven and Hell was probably the best sexploitation soundtrack ever made, but was anybody listening?”
Jim Holliday, Only the Best, 1986
B. “I prefer theaters in which men strip completely bare-ass in the balcony and slouch down in their chairs with one foot on the chair in front of them, whilst other man crawl up up the balcony steps on all fours, meaningfully.”
Boyd McDonald, Cruising the Movies, 1985
C. “Then she says, 'Now dig this,' she says...” and he broke up laughing, a strange rasping laugh for maybe the fourth time since he started what was shaping up to be an interminable story, “...she says: 'Listen, who do I have to fuck to get OFF this picture??'
"And he began his final laugh, his boss laugh, the kind that quickly, smoothly, turns into a monstro cough."
Terry Southern, Blue Movie, 1970
D. “No matter what kind of porn movie you make, the audience must always believe the actors are getting off.”
Stewart Ziplow, The Filmmakers Guide to Pornography, 1977
E. “The East Coast has always lagged far behind in the production of sex films, probably due to the lack of experienced people willing to work in this area, plus not enough free-swinging girls.”
William Rotsler, Contemporary Erotic Cinema, 1973
2. The First Time You Peered Into a Peep Show— What Did You See?
1. a sequence of pictures viewed through a lens or hole set into a
box, traditionally offered as a public entertainment
2. An erotic or pornographic film or show viewed from a coin-operated booth
3. Jamie Gillis vs. John Leslie ?
4. Your Favorite Genre of Stag Film?
a) Typical Nudist Colony Volleyball Match
b) Candy Barr stripping in Smart Aleck
c) How To Deliver an Enema, a US Navy Production
5. Linda Lovelace BioPic Casting
In the two new Linda Lovelace flicks coming out, several actors have already cycled on and off the casting roles, including Adrian Brody, Demi Moore, Amanda Seyfried, Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matt Dillon, Mary Louise Parker.
Forget them.
Who would you cast— living or dead, porn star or A-List— to play:
Linda Lovelace?
Linda Lovelace’s Mother?
Evil Porn Pimp/Linda’s Old Man?
Gloria Steinem?
Secret Linda Lovelace Lesbian Lover?
6. For Perfect Art House Masochism, make your case for the very best:
a) Bunuel: Belle de Jour
b) Bertolucci: Last Tango in Paris
c) McQueen: Shame
7. Name One Classic Element of Swedish Erotica
(Wanna cheat? Go here.)
8. Who's your favorite sex symbol who keeps turning up in the oddest places?
It’s hard to name many actresses like Patti D’Arbanville, below, who has done sex and Hollywood and soap opera with much aplomb— and years without respite.
Patti was discovered by Warhol at 13. At 17, starred in Flesh by Paul Morrissey and Warhol; Bilitis, David Hamilton; Big Wednesday, John Milius; and the TV series Charlie’s Angels, and Rescue Me.)
9. What is Your Porn Star Name?
Mine is "Lady McGee."
Here's how to decipher yours:
Your First Name = Name of First Pet You Remember
Your Last Name = Name of First Street You Lived On
Put it together and you have something legends are made of.
10. What Do The Following Five Films Have in Common?
LA Plays Itself, by Fred Halsted
11. Annette Haven vs. Seka?
12. Not the Bradys vs Who's Nailin’ Palin
13. What is Your Favorite Sex-Drenched Vampire Movie?
14. What Was the First Nude Scene That Made an Impression on You?
Choose a scene from a movie-- not illustration or still photograph.
15. Name Your Most Esteemed Cross-Over Director
Roger Watkins, "Last House on Dead End Street" horror director who worked in XXX as Richard Mahler
Gary Graver, Orson Welle's D.P., who directed in XXX as Robert McCallum
Joyce Snyder, directed XXX "Raw Talent" and horror film "Pledge Night"
16. Who's Your Favorite Cross-Over Star? Pick One Male, One Female Lead
So many casual viewers believe porn and civilian-Hollywood never cross paths, but quite the opposite is true. There are dozens of distinguished cross-over actors, of which I've just selected a few for your difficult decision-making.
Female Lead
Marilyn Chambers, Rabid
Traci Lords, Crybaby
Carol Conners, The Gong Show
Sasha Grey, The Girlfriend Experience
Male Lead
Paul Thomas, Jesus Christ Superstar
Aldo Rey, from G-rated Green Berets to X-rated Sweet Savage
Rocco Siffredi, Anatomy of Hell
Ron Jeremy, Orgazmo
Spauling Grey, the X-rated Farmer's Daughter
17. What was first and last X-rated movie you saw in movie theater?
18. Who's the Best Male Porn Star Who Played both "Gay" and "Straight"?
Bonus Points: Speculate why all these men were known spectacularly for their penis dimensions, more so than their bisexual roles.
Jeff Stryker (imitating Aldo Ray, come to think of it, in "Stryker Force")
19. Ginger Lynn vs. Bree Olsen
20. Plugz vs. Wall of Voodoo
There are two contenders for Best Song Recorded for an Original XXX Soundtrack.
They are both New Wave classics. Listen and defend your favorite!
Plugz, New Wave Hookers
Wall of Voodoo, Nightdreams
23. What could a sex film director do right this minute to give you an incredible thrill?
Forget ratings and just think your "perfect world."
21. Did You See the following "household name" porn films? In theater or on video, DVD, or streaming? Which is memorable?
Devil In Miss Jones
Deep Throat
Behind the Green Door
Insatiable
22. Depending on your mood, what is your favorite or least-loved erotic/porn movie cliché?
My friend Spain says it's the neck scarf that was ubiquitously worn by Swedish Erotica peepshow loop girls.
24. Best post-feminist erotic/porn flick you’ve seen yet?
This could include Candida Royalle, the lesbian videos from Fatale, the Crash Pad series, Tristan Taormino's work for Stagliano and Vivid, SIR Video's Bend Over Boyfriend— or anything you might have seen posted in the Toronto Feminist porn awards.
25. Were there any adult films that you were initially excited about, only to be disappointed with?
26. On a more positive note, did you encounter any erotic films that you went into expecting the worst and walked out being pleasantly surprised?
27. Last One: Who is your Dream Team for the ultimate erotic movie?
(Actors, actresses, directors, writers, composers, etc.)
It took me 25 years to write, index, and video-hyperlink my book The Erotic Screen— a handy reference if you're trying to research this quiz! It took about six months to compose and design this blog post, with Dennis' encouragment. Thank you to all the artists who've been a part of my long strange night at the movie theater! Can't wait to see your replies...
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