Susie Bright's Journal

Back From the Dead

As many of you noticed yesterday, my blog was broken. It's okay now. Unfortunately, it was like a black-out, entirely out of my hands. I'm very sorry for the confusion.

The blog service I use, called Typepad, had a meltdown in the middle of the night, Thursday. It wasn't until about 12 hours later that it came back up. It affected thousands of web journals.

I was vexed, and frightened.  The night of the shutdown, I  had just sent my very first mailing to my entire email  list— thousands of people— telling them to "come on over!" 

If they were innocent enough to try my blog link, they got an ERROR message!  So much for my credibility.

Another cause for anxiety... I've been invited to be a columnist for The Huffington Post, and they're running my first column  Saturday the 17th.  I dreaded to think that HP readers might link over to my blog, and find it D.O.A.

I meant to tell you the Huffington news in a spirit of celebration, before all this happened! I'm flattered to death. I hope a zillion people come over here and pick out their purity rings!

The Petty & Pernicious

For Paranoid, Petty-Conspiracy Aficionados Only:

I have a couple of puzzling things happening to my "name" in the blogosphere and in my mailbox, and they're driving me crazy. For those of you who don't mind obsessing along with me, perhaps you can shed some light on my problem.  For the rest of you, please hold onto your sanity and ignore this!

1. What-Me? Splog

This journal does not attract pricey, copious, advertising. I don't get the traffic that would send large advertisers barreling over here. This is approximately the 4,000th most popular blog in the world— depending on the day and data machine.

So, why on EARTH is my name, "Susie Bright," being used in thousands of splogs? How can these jerks make money off of my name when I can't? If I was trying to sell snake oil and Ponzi schemes, the last name I would think of using on the billboard would be mine. I don't get it.

Also, is there anything one can do about splogs besides flag them to Blogger.com? I'm also sending the sploggy URLs to a self-reporting agency called SplogReporter. But it's kinda like picking up one dog turd on an infinite stretch of track.

2. German Autograph Hunters

Okay, this is really weird. I have been receiving—one or two a week— letters from Germany asking me for my autograph. They only want my signature, on separate pieces of paper. They request that no salutation or personal touch be added.

Sometimes they say, "I am a fan." Other times, they say nothing. One of them arrived with a dollar bill. Others only come with prepaid postage. They seem entirely robotic, and I haven't responded to any of them. I get the vibe they are a scam.

But why?

My autograph cannot possibly be worth more than pocket change. I sign books in person for my fans all the time. When I go to used bookstores, if I find a book of mine, it frequently will say something like, To Belinda, who likes her bottom spanked, Clits Up!, Susie Bright.  I guess Belinda left all that behind her!

Needless to say, these autographed old books are not locked up in the special collections. They just aren't a big deal.

I had two books published in Germany, in 1992. At the time, I got some sweet letters from a couple of lesbians, and that was that. I also traveled to Hamburg in the 90s to give my "How to Read a Dirty Movie" show, and notably, one man in the audience had a heart attack. I did the same show in what was then a crumbling building in East Berlin, packed with punks and dykes. It was fun, and I was glad to have my little puff of smoke in the bohemia, but I never heard from any of those people again.

So what is going on? Is there some new trend in autograph-hunting or scamming I'm unaware of? Why is Germany the apex of it?

Voulez-Vous Blogez Avec Moi?

I think this blog sounds so much sexier in French— more intriguing in Portuguese— deeper in German. Starting today, I can read my journal in all those languages and more!

If you look at my side bar... below the fold, below the little dog, and "the most recent comments..." you'll see a little box with the flags of various nations. Click on the flag you like, and you'll see my blog translated, in seconds. 

This service is called Altavista Babel Fish. It was free; I just added the code they supplied. I didn't have to do anything except copy and paste, which is about my level of expertise.

There is just one teensy problem, which I have already written them about: the Russian, Chinese, and Japanese translators don't work. Merde!

But the German, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, all seem to do the trick.

I imagine the computer-generated sensitivity to American idioms is not the greatest. In fact, if you find some funny translation quotes, send them to me!

I looked at another competitor of BabelFish, who offered a "Canadian" translation. I desperately wanted to use it, but they required HTML skills beyond my comprehension. As we say in Canadian, "Sorry!"

Another Small Panic at the Blog Palace

When I started this blog,  I had to find a way to get my email friends hooked into what I was posting. I've been collecting  names and addresses for ages; it's like the Jurassic Mail List.

I couldn't just say to all these people, "Get a news aggregator! Click the RSS feed!" because frankly, many of my relatives and friends are only a step away from throwing their computer out the window. I did not want to make another geeky demand.

The easiest thing to do, I found, was to employ a "email notification system," which people sign up for, and then they get a little email every time I post something new. Totally automated. I was so relieved to find such a thing existed.

I begged everyone to sign up for it, and put the little "Subscribe!" box up high on the left sidebar. So far so good.

For the first several months, all of you who signed up got the notices in the morning when I posted, and everyone was happy.

Then, sometime this summer, the whole thing fell apart. This company, Bloglet, whose service I used, is like a disappeared person. No one ever responds there to anything. Is he dead, drunk, what???  And not a single one of my posts was getting relayed. FUCK!  And I didn't even realize it.

Well, I've finally found a substitute, called Feedblitz. They seem to be invented by someone who lost their mind with Bloglet, just like me. They allowed me to import all the subscribers I had at Bloglet— what a relief.  Their instructions are easy, simpler than before, and they allow me to supervise what's going on in a more detailed manner.

So, starting tonight, the system should WORK. If you're already subscribed, DO NOTHING. I imported your name already. Notice I am crossing my fingers and labia. 

If you are a email-notification subscriber, and you don't get a message this week, please email me and let me know. Maybe your address is on the fritz!

If you're wondering how to subscribe for the first time, here's what you do:

Click here.  Or go to the little box on the left sidebar that says "Subscribe."

Then put your email address in the box, and submit it.

You don't have to read or follow anything else!

Shortly afterward, you'll get an email asking you if YOU, indeed, really did sign up. That's to prevent fraud.

Click on the confirmation email, and you're DONE.  From then on, you should just get my new story alerts, without any hassle. If you want to unsubscribe, it's just another click.

I don't post every day, but I do post up to 5 times a week! —Except when I get blue and skip a week. I am not a highly-paid blog professional, such a pity. Is there such a thing?

Anyway, I would love it if you would subscribe, one way or another, because it's the best way I have of keeping you in the loop.  I try to stay in touch with my semi-monthly email newsletter, but it is the most laborious job on earth. It takes me two days just to get one monthly newsletter out, and that's with no eating. 

So please subscribe! You'll like it, and I'll be so relieved.

Your editrix,

Susie

Crash on the Aristocrats

There's never been a better time to talk about the obscenity of hypocrisy. That's why I think The Aristocrats is one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. This is one movie that feels even more appropriate, post-Katrina, than it  did before. This is a satire of the damned that only grows richer with the advent of disaster. 

Many of you know that The Aristocrats is the history/etymology of a comedians-only joke, the kind of taboo story that never got told onstage, but was ruthlessly laid down behind the scenes— a kind of "comedy secret handshake," as Penn and Teller put it.  I relished their insight into the hardcore comic mind, and appreciated many of the talents like I never have before. What brilliant improvisers and storytellers they are. Bob Saget— who the fuck knew?

The Aristocrats joke spins its web around the American repulso-fascination with sexual violence, incest, pedophilia, bestiality, and humiliation... all told within the perverted bosom of "family values."  It takes no prisoners, unless you count the ones who are rolling on the floor pissing in their pants. By repeating this joke over and over, with so many variations and performers, you transcend the shock value and start saying, "This is a hell of a mirror."

I discuss sexual implications The Aristocrats in my new episode of In Bed , as well as doing a little exposé on the latest member of the FCC, who claims to be a "stay-at-home mom"— but who is anything but. I'm telling ya, these latest wingnut spokesmodels make Phyllis Schlafly look like a paragon of intellect and principle!  Finally, my mailbag holds a letter from a listener who  wants to know, "Are all penetrations equal?"  A question that every Aristocrat should know the answer to!

Episode 215, In Bed with Susie

I have a couple more Katrina links for you too, that I wouldn't have missed. Actually, maybe I could've missed that photo in Germany's Stern of the alligator in the church with the bloody grin. Jesus H. Christ. If only he had eaten Dick Cheney enroute. 

My friends Larry and Lorrie are paramedics who were at a Para convention in New Orleans when the hurricane hit. What they saw on the ground, and how they survived, are a story that will tell you more than CNN ever will.

Finally, don't miss "Being Poor," written by author John Scalzi.

Read his whole list...  then take the time to read the comments. When people talk about the class antagonisms Katrina has ripped seamless, this is what they're talking about.

Listening to:

The Levee,  Jonny Lang
Rivers of Babylon,  The Melodians
Mississippi, Sheryl Crow
Wasted Days and Wasted Nights, Freddy Fender

 

Okay, Who Here Reads Hebrew?

I was checking out the referrals for my blog--- my latest way to dilly-dally and meet new people--- and I came across this Israeli web site that has been sending a lot of traffic my way in reference to Dworkin's death.

http://www.goleshet.com/432-sex.html

The entire thing is in Hebrew, and I am sadly monolingual, but it features this two-photo collage of Andrea Dworkin looking soulful with me right underneath her pressing my vibrator to a red rubber dress! It's that old photo Annie Sprinkle took of me and put on her notorious playing card deck... (out of print, sorry to say).

Anyway, I want to know what it says! What kind of site is this? If any of you are able to clue me in, I'd love to find out.

Why Do I Blog?

I wrote a story about “Why I Blog” for MJ Rose’s Buzz Blog, that you may be interested in reading, especially if you ever question your own love/hate relationship with your blogging habits!

I answered MJ's questions just after I  posted the Gannon/Guckert expose, and had received a lot of feedback... the first time I did a big story for myself, rather than another news outlet.  I would have had difficulty placing that story in conventional editorial pages, not so much because it's "sexy," but because  of various newsroom prejudices surrounding the issue of my authorship.   

Anyway, take a look at it, and tell me what you think. If you are running a blog, why DO you do it?  And if you're an avid blog reader, but not publisher, tell me about that... I'm interested in people's motivations, as MJ was in mine.

Garbo Speaks

What does a blogger do when life takes you away from blogging? I’m ashamed that I’ve missed my at-least-once-a-week update this month, the whole time miring in guilt that I am missing interesting experiences that deserve a well composed blog essay.

But how did I arrive at this awful state where I feel guilty for not writing about every single life event that isn’t a crashing bore?  Part of me wonders if it’s because I know that months can go by where banal topics would be all that was available to me, and I must seize this extraordinary time.

I have to write about being on the Six Feet Under set. The Hunter Thompson wake. My new frenzy of audio shows. My “Jeff Guckert: You Can’t Keep a Good Whore Down” analysis. This incredible book I read about Gold Rush whores in the Yukon. Fashion warnings that be ignored. Plus, I have design and technical issues that need a trained staff to sort them out, or at least a bag of chimpanzees. Let’s face it, I NEED A FULL WEEK IN A LOCKED ROOM. 

Meanwhile, I face deadlines from the so-called “income-earning” areas of my life. I got poison oak and my laundry is scaring me and why isn’t someone bringing me toast in bed with lots of jam? I got an email from a girl who told me with bitter sarcasm that she went to my blog because her “boyfriend is such a besotted fan” of mine, but that she gave up trying to read my site after one minute, because it was such a design mess, “too many colors and distractions, a failure.”  I wrote her back and said that my books were in black and white and typeset by top professionals in the field. I wanted to tell her, “you are such a Dolly Downer that I feel like closing down my whole blog for spite with a little sign that says, "Closed Due to a Mean Note.”

But maybe I am Dolly Downer, Wendy Whiner and Polly Procrastinator all rolled into one. I have pre-birthday bad thoughts... the big day is this coming Friday, and I feel a big regressive sulk coming on. I won’t be 47! I won’t! This is my party theme so far. I need the Easter Bunny to come early and give me a good furry shake. I would also like a surprise in my basket. Is that too much to ask?

For those of you who blog, I’d like to know what you do when you get behind or bedraggled.  In the meantime, I’m going to start writing...

Sharing Your Innermost Thoughts: Susie Spills the Teacup

Some of the best comments on this blog have never been posted— no, darn it, they've been letters sent to me, personally, but I want to share.

I think some of you just hit the "email Susie" button without realizing that everyone else would LOVE to hear what you're saying— you're in good company.  You can be discreet too-- no need to disclose your high profile job running the local chapel or GOP Massage Parlor. You can use a pseudonym, or just your first name. You don't have to list an email or URL.

I'm taking all the interesting letters people mailed me so far and posting them, pseudonomously, here on the blog. Obviously, I'm not going to post something  private and ruinous, but I didn't get anything like that!  I'm just going to stick them in the topics they were targeted for.

And, in the future, if one of you writes me about a blog discussion, I"m going to zip you back a letter asking YOU to please post it on the blog, because this takes HOURS for me to edit, copy, and paste.

Maybe some of you were writing me b/c you think I don't read the blog comments.   But  I do, I read all of them, I love them! The more people who add to the discussion, the more intersesting it is, as far as I'm concerned.  And just to get things started, here is a really interesting letter from DTG:

Dear Susie:

Just to let you know: there IS a new awards set-up, Best of Blogs, for personal blogs. It  includes a category for Sex Blogs---at last! Voting will take place in January. The site is here:

http://www.blogmechanics.com/bob/

For a list of sex blogs, you could start with My Links page:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/niceblueextras/

I've organised the first two sections into blogs by guys and by gals. There are tons of couple blogs out there too.

Cunning Linguists and Erosblog also have lots of sexblog links:
http://www.erosblog.com/
http://www.thepillowbook.com/toplist/index.php

Now a personal question, if you don't mind: looking at your site today, I noticed the pic of you with your dog. Ohmigod----is that a Newfoundland? what's his/her name? The reason I ask is that I know the province of Newfoundland very well. Those dogs are simply awesome.

DTG

Dear DTG:

Yes, that's a pic of me and Cody, my "Teacup Newfoundland". He's part-Newfie, part-mystery- date. But whoever the mystey date was, they were thankfully a smaller breed, because Cody's only 80 lbs., instead of a 180#, like some Newfoundlands!  Thanks for the amazing list of sex blogs. I had no idea.

Thanksgiving Insomnia

There's nothing like waking up on a holiday morning at 4 AM with an urge to fidget with your blog. I  upgraded my Typepad blog subscription to a fancier model-- I wonder how many people get this impulse in the middle of the night?

Now I can post photo albums, and I quickly threw one together of favorite pictures from my book Nothing But The Girl. NBTG is the only photo book I ever published, with Jill Posener.

We had quite a time with our British publisher, Cassell. They were so embarrassed by the book's erotic content that they didn't put their name on the edition! This, despite the fact the book won prestigious awards, was reviewed by the most la-di-da art journals, and is beloved by everyone who's lucky enough to own a copy.

It turned out that Cassell was the designated publisher for the Vatican, and for some reason, the boss didn't notice that they might have a conflict of interest until we had finished our book.  Then they were eager to hide it away!

The hardcover copies are hard to find, but you can still find the paperback easily. It is gorgeous... the most beautiful book I've ever made. The women photographers we profiled genuinely changed the whole notion of what an erotic photograph means, and how women are seen through the lens.

I also changed the format of my blog to three columns, as you can see. I had SO many items on my old right-hand sidebar, that it was overwhelming...  I thought the three columns would balance it out a bit better.

I know— it's so pink. That was the ready-made template I chose because it has column borders, which I approve of. But the style only demonstrates this color scheme!  The rose is  easy on the eyes, for readability, but is it too much?

I wish they had a "cooler" version of this same template, but I'm going to have to hunt around for another role model. Typepad lets you edit your designs from scratch, but it takes forever to use the trial and error method if you're not a Graphics Expert With an MFA... I'd rather tweak something that's already a solid composition.

I'm thankful to discover blogging this year, at a time when I would otherwise be seriously down in the dumps. I can't believe that this thing rose from the ashes of my profound post-election blues!

I've even thought of changing the name of my blog from Susie Bright's Journal to Susie Bright's Silver Lining. What do you think?

Yesterday I called the social workers, nurses, and hospice care folks who've been taking care of my mom since this spring. I am more thankful to them then anyone. I want to send them something from California, something they would never find in Minnesota in a million years... let me know if you have any Midwestern insights on the subject.

Today we're going to make pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and cheesecake.  I'm going to wear my red wool jersey dress that I made last night, with a frilly cocktail apron my mom gave me many years ago. I have the urge to burn marshmallows on top of something. I think there should be a whole separate Thanksgiving meal for desserts.

I hope you are well-fed this holiday, and warm among friends and  decent heating system. I want to go see movies and drink eggnog until I'm in a lactose stupor— or at least until I can sleep through the night.