Susie Bright's Journal

Our First Place Winner of the Sarah Palin Costume Contest is.....

Whitney White

"Lil' Johnny McCain with Mommy Palin"

"I dressed as Sarah Palin and my son, Lincoln, was little John McCain.

"This ordeal started because I took a hilarious picture of Lincoln while he was pooping and posted it on the internet.  One of my friends pointed out that my pooping baby looks like McCain!  And I don't look too far off from Palin...

"I know that Palin was one of the more popular costumes this year, and the most satisfying part of being one of them was being the BEST one! I was told by a few sources.

"Was my sex life improved?  I was a bangin' Palin, but I didn't do any bangin' that night.

"Everyone kept telling me how terrifying I was, and of course they all recognized me immediately. 

"The only person who did not know who I was, was my French boss, who didn't even know Palin's name. I wore my costume to the work party (I am a dance teacher, and most of the students are loaded), and I had one old man told me he voted for me that day.

"We took many pictures of the McCain/Palin duo that night, and one of the most interesting ideas was the image of John McCain suckling from Sarah Palin's breast ;-)

And, now,  the Fabulous Runners-Up— Who Made Me See Russia!

Megan

"Best Shimmering in White Palin"

Photographer: Martin Chase

"My costume was put together for $0 for an extranjero party here in Mexico.  Sadly there wasn't much recognition from my fellow party goers as they were almost all from Quebec, Norway, or Mexico— and haven't been paying much attention to international news from here in Guanajuato.  Still, it was a blast."

Will you be wearing your Sarah-Drag to the polls on Tuesday- or any other day?

"I sent my absentee ballot in a few weeks ago, so no polls for me.  I hope that I never have to think about that woman again, even in a satirical way."

Amy and Jason Cook

"Best Joe Six-Pack Palin"

"Here's me and my hubby! He was Joe Six Pack!

"My husband went nuts over the glasses and the push-up bra that I wore under my suit— some other pics were wilder than the ones I sent you."

Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

"Nah, it's always been good ;-)"

Emma Gardner

"Best Classroom Activist Palin"

Watch out Bill Ayers!

"I'm in the DVM (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine) program at the Ontario Veterinary College in Guelph, Canada. We had a group presentation to do for our communications course in October— and I did my section of the presentation as Sarah Palin.

 "By bedtime the night before our assignment I was regretting my big mouth, and seriously contemplating skipping it! But I went through with it, stone-cold sober, and embraced my impression in front of 114 classmates and a professor.

"Although it's always a thrill playing the clown, I had an ulterior motive. When I mentioned the idea to my group on Sunday night, two of them had no idea who Sarah Palin was. I find many of my colleagues are apolitical, and  ignorant of the world beyond the walls of the school.

"At the very least I provided laughs to break up a day of eight hours of lecture— and I know people who went and educated themselves on Sarah Palin thanks to my stunt.

"Alas, my sex life has not improved....but I think a boy in my class has a crush on me now!

"Being a Canadian (and living in Canada), I will be glued to the internet on Nov. 4....watching with baited breath and my heart in my throat.

"I do feel the need to give final credit to my classmates; without the support and goading of my friends in the Ontario Veterinary College Class of 2010 - the Crimson Crocs! I would not have had the chutzpah to stand in front of them all and make a political cartoon of myself!"

Kimberly Cabot

"Best Wink and a Flag Palin"

Photographer: Adrienne Harling

"The most satisfying part of the get up was the exaggerated blush and eye make-up.  I did my make up like I was in high school, nothing subtle about this woman.  The glasses sealed the deal and really helped with the sexy librarian image.
 
"Yes, my husband and his employees had been calling Palin a MILF and when I transformed into her. the energy  escalated. 

"My husband was too tired for the party but asked that I please wake him up in costume when I got home.

"Some people, mostly women, really let their anger at Sarah and the Republicans unleash on me.  Many women also felt intimidated by the costume and wouldn't talk to me— but there were some that wanted to hump her for sure. I got the sexy Sarah reaction from the men; she does it for the male sector.

"I will not be wearing the Sarah costume again, she is too divisive. We only have absentee ballots available from our remote rural location, so no election day polling walks for me.

"I loved playing this part. I became Sarah Palin and I convinced people which was powerful.  Power is a bit frightening and I walked the edge. Being Sarah for 6 hours was exhausting I cannot imagine truly being Sarah Palin, what a burden."

Eve Moran

"Best Sarah-In-The-Pews Palin!"

Photographer and Model: Eve Moran, with collaboration of Ruth Robertson and the Raging Grannies

"Let me tell you, putting this costume together was way easier than building my bra out of old Christmas lights to be "The Future of Energy."

"My whole group of Palin Performers got a lot of attention and lots of people posed for pictures with us.The prize goes to the man we saw in the moose mask. It melted my icy Alaskan heart."

Beth

"Best Dead Ringer Palin"

Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

"Let's put it this way— someone was “Nailin’ Palin!" I kept the hair up and the pearls on!"

Will you be wearing your Sarah-Drag to the polls on Tuesday?

"Nah, I have too many Democrat buddies. And I’m in PR. Don’t wanna offend my 'media elite' friends either."

 Brad Starr

"Best Charlie's Angel Palin"

"I'm going to go ahead and say I thought of it first, I debuted this costume October 13th. I put all that stuff together in about 3 hours on a whim."

 

 

Alison Jutzi

"Best Obama's Best Friend Palin"

Look at those big brown eyes!

What kind of reactions have you had to your costume?

"A lot of laughs and requests for impersonations. People like to ask me about my foreign policy experience."


Will you be wearing your Sarah-Drag to the polls on Tuesday- or any other day?

"If only I were American. I'd LOVE to vote in this election. Unfortunately, I'm doing a play right now in northern B.C. so I won't be able to make it to any polling stations. On a separate note, I can see Wasilla from my house in Prince George, B.C.!"

Amanda Marcotte

Best Bandolier and Secret Service Palin!

What was the most satisfying part of your get-up?

"That it inspired my boyfriend, myself, and friends to get together and make a satirical video."

Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

"No, but luckily it didn't get worse, which was a genuine danger because my boyfriend kept shuddering to look at me in the costume."

What kind of reactions have you had to your costume?

"The entire bus burst out laughing when we got on."

Terry O'Halloran

"Best Moose-Dressed Palin"

"Dressing up as Sarah was an expression of my obsession with her.  I am intrigued, appalled, fascinated, and bewildered with her.

"The most satisfying part of my get-up was the price. Twelve bucks for the suit and nineteen cents for the flag pin at the thrift store. Who needs $150,000?"

Has my sex life improved by Palin satire?

"Most definitely!  What man doesn't want to wear antlers and be field dressed?  Except in Austin, we cross-dress our moose.

And your dog?

"You can see the humiliated expression in my dog's eyes.  His fur may be black, but in his heart, he is a Yellow Dog Democrat.

"I actually decided Palin was too scary, even for Halloween.  I dressed up as a zombie on Halloween."

 

Chia Evers

"Best Caribou Barbie"

"I'm a last-minute kind of person. I realized that all I needed for the costume was a shiny blond wig, and a way to attach some antlers to the silver plastic tiara I already owned. I found a "Trixie" wig that looked perfect.

"The antlers were a bit of a challenge. My first idea was to use a pair that my husband worked into a headdress a couple of years ago. He put screws through a heavy leather belt and into the base of the antlers, then padded it with an old bandana. Those antlers are big and heavy, though, and I remember the weight gave him a headache.

"In trying to find some online instructions that might help, I found this adorable necklace holder. Two wire coat hangers, some blue masking tape, silver spray paint and glitter and I had a set of shiny antlers, which I attached to the tiara with pink zip ties. I also used pink zip ties to attach the tiara to the wig.

"I loved putting the whole thing together, and I was ridiculously proud of myself that I'd managed to do it all at the very last minute. My husband quite liked the blond wig, which surprised me. (Though he hasn't yet asked me to wear it to bed.) No one at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval seemed to "get" the costume. It's not the first time I've developed a costume I had to explain, though, so I didn't mind.

"I won't be wearing my costume Tuesday - I'm volunteering on the Election Protection hotline  and it's very important that we appear non-partisan. But I think I will wear a version of it for the next Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade, and add fairy wings.

Emily Hejl

"Best Canvassing in Republican Neighborhoods Palin"

When did you realize you wanted to dress up as Sarah?

"I had been struggling with costume ideas since November 1st, 2007- I wanted to do something different. A few weeks after it was announced that Sarah Palin would be the VP nominee, I thought, 'Wow- there's a character!'

"At the time I was platinum blond. About a month ago, I dyed my hair dark red-brown for a much-needed change."

What was the most satisfying part of your get-up?

"Researching & practicing and saying my lines during my workday and elsewhere. Mamood Akmadinajod, Maaavrick, It's so nice to meetcha!, You betcha! Gosh darnit!"

 Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

"Well, I did wear the glasses last night. Did you know Sarah Palin has a leather whip?"

What kind of reactions have you had to your costume?

 "I went trick-or-treating with my little girl, in a predominately Republican neighborhood, and as soon as the doors were opened, laughter followed. This Halloween has been the BEST!"

Casey Vaughn

"Best Beehive-Yourself! Palin"

"I realized I wanted to dress up as Sarah when I saw Tina Fey tearin' it up on SNL.

"The reactions I got from the costume were my favorite part of Halloween. We went to a local pub that night, and right off the bat people were shouting, "SARAH!" and asking me if I really could see Russia.

"Obviously, I responded with "You betcha!" and went about my business.

"I had random strangers hug me, ask me to take pictures with them, and I was even brought on stage. I was a little shocked on how much attention I got. Apparently, my costume was better than I thought.

"Let me just tell you that the pictures do not do justice to my "up-do". My hair was backcombed like nobody's business and then pinned up with about 100 bobby pins. The hair was KEY.

"My Palin buttons are homemade..one saying "Governor Sarah Palin" with the republican elephant under it, and the other that says "PALIN POWER". (Notice on that one that the "I" in Palin is lipstick!) The one other thing was my American flag iron-on patch on my jacket. It's just not Sarah without a mini flag SOMEWHERE on your body."

Lani Horn

"Best Answer to a Republican Husband Palin"

Up-do by Sunshine Campbell

When did you realize you wanted to dress up as Sarah?

"It came to me as a way to cope with my brown hair and glasses. I've been a witch for the past 7 years and haven't been inspired to do anything new.

"I was having a hard time wearing my glasses after Sarah was nominated because I felt uncomfortable about our resemblance.

"Then I decided, "Perfect! A Halloween costume!" I even cut my bangs to make myself look more authentic."

Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

"My husband is a moderate Republican and I am a Democrat. Needless to say, this has caused some tension in our relationship. Me becoming Sarah has been a great way to turn that friction into some good old-fashioned heat."

Will you be wearing your Sarah-Drag to the polls on Tuesday- or any other day?

"I think I might do Sarah at home a couple of more times for my hubby."

Sarah R. Bloom

"The Ultimate Hockey Mom Palin"

Model & Photographer: Sarah R. Bloom

This is my favorite photo that wasn't submitted to my contest. I had to hunt down the artist and honor her!

If you want to see oodles more Sarah-In-All-Her-Manifestations, look at the huge Sarah Palin Flickr Halloween pool where I found Ms. Bloom's work.

Sarah Elbert

"Cutest-Little-Cupcake-Ever! Palin"

"About a month ago I was "recognized" by the paparazzi. They were yelling, 'Sarah! Sarah!'

"Since that's my name I turned around. At first I was terrified, then I thought I could have some fun with it."

What was the most satisfying part of your get-up?

"The McCain bumper sticker on my ass."

What kind of reactions have you had to your costume?

"It went something like this:"OH. MY. GOD.'"

All the Finalists in the SBJ Palin Costume Contest are my Flickr page...

Thanks to everyone who entered; you made my YEAR. 

Those who make history... are the ones who show up and wear drag!

I will be sending your copies of X:The Erotic Treasury, more fun swag, and calling you with my compliments, by the end of this week!  --- Susie

Calling All Lipstick Piggies— The End Draws Near!

It's November First, Lipstick Piggies. That means only twelve more hours to get your entry into the Sarah Palin Costume Contest!

Send me a photo of yourself before midnight tonight, in your Vice Presidential Glory, and let me lavish you with praise and prizes!

Now of course I dressed up as Miss Barracuda for Halloween yesterday, but it was just for my own debauchery... I won't be entering my own competition. If I can inspire you by my amateur hour theatrics, I'll be honored.

The entries are already pouring in. I've never had so much fun with my email IN box. I can see that I have to devise a prize for EVERYONE, because you are all so fun and imaginative.

I have some questions for the contestants:

When did you realize you wanted to dress up as Sarah?

What was the most satisfying part of your get-up?

Has your sex life improved by Palin satire?

What kind of reactions have you had to your costume?

Will you be wearing your Sarah-Drag to the polls on Tuesday?

I'll be the first to admit, I lost my wiglet last night. My tiara shone brightly. I filled my SuperSoaker up with bloody-red water and shot anyone who looked like an animal on the streets of Santa Cruz... like fish in a barrel, dude.

I made the bikini in two hours, from ripping open the package to putting it on. I highly recommend Burda pattern 8038 for a last-minute Sarah Palin showstopper. I went to the Salvation Army as well, wearing the bikini, and tried on a bunch of fake fur coats, finding a real winner (mink, size 3X) for twenty bucks. This sucker is toasty.

The hardest thing to make was my sash... who knew that beauty pageant finery was such hard work?

I'll review and contact all the entries over the weekend and make my decision before the election.

Don't be shy, BE SARAH!

Susie's Screamin' Sarah Palin Costume Contest!

There is one gift that Governor Sarah Palin has bequeathed every American this year, no matter what their political beliefs— and that is The Best Halloween Ever!

You're probably already twitching in your Tanning Bed— but to give you an extra incentive, I'm throwing a Screamin' Sarah Palin Halloween Costume Contest.

I adore political caricatures. My own iconic moment was in the 80s when my entire dorm dressed up as The Reagan Family. I was the braless, pot-smoking Patti who couldn't stop falling out of my blouse.

What do you win if you make me scream?

1.  an admiring phone call/letter from me,

2.  a special story on this blog, 

3. an autographed copy of my brand new book, The Erotic Treasury—which in its brocade, die-cut, slipcover, is truly something to gasp over.

4. Oh, alright, Penny Flame's new DVD on how to give a virtuoso hand job to anyone, which I must say is HIGHLY informative.

How do you enter the contest, and PROVE you're the most grotesque, gothic, hellish, delectable Sarah Palin ever?

Email me a photo of Your Sarah Manifestation, by November 1st, to this address.

Your "Sarah" costume can be part of a group effort, or solo. Just be an integral part of the project.

Give me your name, the photographer's name (if that's different), and how you'd like to be credited. Send me your phone number and or snail mail so I can thank you and send you your PRIZES!

How do you get started?

You don't have to only dress up as Sarah— I will accept manifestations of any of her FAMILY CLAN.

(Don't forget all the relatives and ex's the Mr. and Mrs. have a restraining orders against!)

No need to be shy; everyone looks good in Palin's Up-Do.

No requirement to be elaborate— sincerity is what counts!

Here's a site that shows Sarah's signature look on a baby, a cat, and... Obama! What's not to love?

Sarah Barracuda inspires many props: A suitably freaked-out baby doll, for example.

Fur pelts, guns, beehive wigs, Oxycontin pills, flag pins, hockey sticks. 

According to Jessica Chisum, the most helpful Palin Costume expert I've found on the web, the difference between a pit bull and a Pentacostol Nutcase Running for Vice President is Wet 'n'Wild's  Glossy Mauve Lipstick.

She also suggests finding a stuffed polar bear and dragging it around by a noose.

Read Jessica's eyeliner instructions and you're ready to fool Katie Couric.

If you have the figure to pull it off— and you boys know who you are—  the Photoshopped Sarah Palin in an American Flag Bikini with Rifle is a classic look.

The Palin Homages have started early year, with several Leather Sarah's spotted at the Folsum Street Fair last month and a whole drag queen night devoted to her in New York City.

There's a wig store online with a special boutique devoted to Palin wigs in all her incarnations!

What does it take to impress the judge? I'm looking for imagination and guts, not slavish imitation. Take me to the brink! High concept! Low Class!

Make me see Russia!

Photo Credit: Incredible satanic portraits of Sarah and all the GOP celebs at The Weekly Donut.
The second photo... is from a McCain rally.

Susie's SexPosi-FemiNisty Blog Carnival-- With Sticky Treats and Prizes!

Hey guess what? I'm hosting my very first Sex-Posi blog carnival!

Send me your nominations by August 20th, and let's knock everyone's eyes out...

This carnival, inaugurated in March, has a very long name:

The Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy!

Some of my favorite bloggers have been hosting this year's editions so far... here's the emmient list. Take a look around for inspiration, but please note that we can stretch all boundaries!

I'm giving my edition a nickname:

It's The SexPosiFemiNisty Carnival With Sticky Treats and Prizes!

Readers are the key to any Carnival's success. I may be annotating your nominations, and throwing in my two cents, but there's no substitute for your roving eyes and critical insights.

Please email me any sexual-politics-related blog stories you've read this summer that you thought were well-written, original, funny, touching, outrageous, furious—and again, WELL WRITTEN.

It can be visual, too, come to think of it. Floor me!

You can certainly send me more than one link... I love seeing your tastes. You can also post your nominations below, in the comments. I'll tak'em by bird, plane, any mode you choose.

I'll read all your suggestions, and pick my favorites to feature and write about. I'll publish the winners the first week of September!

And one more thing: If you suggest a "winning" blog post, not only will I credit and link to you with admiration, I'll also send you the latest ebook of Best American Erotica. —I told you it was sticky! Send me your URL if you want to be praised with a link.

Thank you so much to Caroline Shepherd for inviting me to do this in the first place...

Contest: How Would YOU answer this Wife Swap Letter?

I received this letter from a TV casting producer yesterday, and after laffing myself sick, I began to file it under "Things I Wouldn't Do for a Million Dollars."

If you haven't seen the show in question, here's five words: Total Humiliation at Your Expense.

[I know a homeschooling family in Santa Cruz who (idealistically) went for it, and they were crucified as a bunch of demented hippie freakazoids. The other "family" was characterized, shall we say, as "know-nothing jive-ass black crackers." The home viewer gets to feel vastly superior to both families, as they both look despicable. That's American Entertainment, folks!  I didn't make it through one episode, so I don't even know how bad things got.]

I decided this fella's pitch, though, is too good not to share. Plus, we could have our own fun with it:

Write me a brief letter showing how YOU would answer this. Anything goes! Whichever one tickles my evil prank fancy will win a copy of the yet-to-be-released Best American Erotica 2007, secret preview copy!

Also, since this show specializes in matching opposites, whose family do you think they'd stick me with? Gosh, maybe if I could choose, it would be worth it!

Greetings Susie,

My name is A— R— and I am the [casting producer] for the hit show Wife Swap on ABC Television.

Perhaps you have see it? We are currently looking for amazing families with huge personalities and great dynamics for the 3rd season. I have been researching Romance Specialists, and somehow, serendipitously, stumbled upon your page.

After reading a few blogs and checking out your books, I feel compelled to invite you to apply for the show. (If you're interested) Ideally, I would love to find a family, with a smart, strong and savvy mom, that could bring on a whole storm of radical positive change into another home. And I think you could do just that.

In case you are unfamiliar with the show, the premise of Wife Swap is that one parent from each household swaps places for seven days to experience how another family runs their lives.

It is an incredible family experience and opportunity to both learn and teach different family values.  The show is a fascinating story of what happens when two married couples see themselves and their spouses in a whole new light. The New York Post says, "It should be called ‘Life Swap’ because it's not just the wives who learn something here. It's the families."

Also, not that money is an incentive but the family that is selected receives $20,000 and there is a $1,000 finders fee if you refer us an amazing family that makes the show.

So, that’s my pitch to you Susie.  Think it over, and if you’re interested, please feel free to contact me to find out more.

Best regards,

A— R—

Thanks to Flickr member Lloydi for photo!

Clits Up Photo Contest

Okay, who's got a camera? I need some very cute, irresistable pictures taken of my new Clits UP! button.

UPDATE, morning of August 17:  I got all the button/photo requests I can handle right now! Thank you so much! In a few weeks, I should have some great photos to post, and then I'll buy a whole bunch more buttons to distribute. So don't cry if you missed Round 1, because I'll have more within a month.

There's something about the size of it that makes it JUST RIGHT. —Small but powerful.

When you wear them with friends at the same time, on white t-shirts, it makes you look like you're in a cult. What could be better?

I've seen some snapshots of my new design, but the focus is too far away to see the button properly.

I also want to see the message on people's bodies/outfits—their lapel, their breast, their fetching whatever— but the button has to be "readable."

If I had the right picture, I could post it here in my blog and promote my world clitoral- domination schemes! You understand the urgency, of course.

I don't know how many of you will reply to this, so let's say I have enough for the first twenty folks who respond!

Closeup from Ariel. This photo does a great job of showing the button text, but you can't see how adorable Ariel is wearing it. My conundrum.

Are These the Best Sex Blogs?

I just discovered a site called Sugasm.

They ask sexually-oriented bloggers each week to nominate, among themselves, the best posts of the week: be it erotica, "porn," or sexual politics/philosophy/confessions of all kinds.

I nominated my own piece of Joe Francis from last week, as you'll see below. The links are wildly diverse. I had no idea there are special Star Trek spanking soap opera sites.  I found some new personal sex bloggers I really like.

Other links didn't do much for me, or were more conservative than my taste. And by conservative, I mean "not changing the dominant paradigm of porn-cliches and gender roles"  kind of conservative. As for as explicitness or kink goes, they are not at all conservative!

What do you you think? Should I run this weekly, or some version of it? It is the best, and most progressive "curated" list of up-to-the-minute sex links I've seen— but I may be sheltered!

We could also have a huge influence on the list. Many of YOU are writing great stuff yourselves, and should nominate your own latest brilliance. Their form to enter is here. IMHO, they need more queer stuff, more subversive provocation, feminist pork, and imaginative vanilla!

Sugasm #42  

Mr. Sugasm Himself
An Illustrated Guide to Nude Modeling (sugarbank.com)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews
Audacia Ray films her porn movie! (http://viviane212.blogspot.com)
Girls Gone Wild: Producer Going to Hell (http://susiebright.com)
Glass Sex Toy 101 (http://sultry.naughtyblog.net)
New Kinky Designs Added! (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)
Sex Toys Between Your Sheets: Write About It! (http://blog.babeland.com)
Straight Porn Review: Fuck It Like It’s Hot (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Fantasies (http://sensualsingleton.blogspot.com)
HNT: The Heartbreakingly Kinky Sex (http://sabrinainstockings.com)
Mom's Advice - His Fallen Angel (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)
The Purple Thing (http://bdsmlover.blogspot.com)
Suck Me! (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)
Voluntarily Violated (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Anatomy of a pinup, part 1 (telling the story) (http://retromodernist.com)
Hanging onto Life by a G-String (http://www.taratainton.com)
The importance of being "in" (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
Let's Talk About Sex (http://www.seskuality.com)
Male issues & the world revolves around my pussy? (http://www.alphadominablog.com)
Past Pleasures (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)
The Quiet Ones (http://redfrique.blogspot.com)
Sleeping Naked (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)
Stirrings (http://ladycalliah.wordpress.com)
Why do men fall asleep after sex? (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Dominating my Man! (http://www.la-day.blogspot.com)
The Honeymoon Part II (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)
Judas Kiss (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Met with a white boi today (http://www.caramelvixen.com)
Negotiation 101 (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)
A Pleasant Personal Punishment (Part One) (http://seanandmel.blogspot.com)
A Return To (http://fresh-fetish.com/blog)
Threesome with Master R and Master Anakin (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Humor
Cumming Confusion (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)
Ms Naughty Is About Porn For Women (http://www.msnaughty.com/blog/)

 

Pin-up photo by the talented Mark Anthony Lacy.

Four Things You May Not Know About Me

Okay, I surrender. You know those email surveys so-called friends send you, demanding you divulge secrets about yourself in heavily-categorized formats? —Those intimate personality surveys, and busy-body quizzes?

I've always deleted them.

Then I heard from a very old friend, Jack Davis, whom I haven't laid eyes on in years. Nostalgia overcame me. I guess I wanted to surprise him. But now I've decided to try and surprise you.

Four Things You May Not Have Known About Me:

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. McDonald's Golden Girl... my first job
2. Founding organizer of Teamsters For Democratic Union
3. University of Louisville banquet department
4. Fully-Clothed Porn Extra

B) Four movies I've watched over and over:
1. Smoker with Sharon Mitchell, Ron Jeremy, David Christopher and John Leslie
2. Diabolik
3. Wizard of Oz
4. Anything with Helen Mirren

C) Four places I have existed:
1. Edmonton, Alberta
2. Detroit, Six Mile and Livernois, Michigan
3. Beverly Glen, Los Angeles, CA
4. Jakarta, Indonesia— okay, I was only conceived there.

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. None in progress... I rent the DVDs. No TV reception.
2. Currently:  Rescue Me
3. Recently: Prime Suspect
4. Childhood: Julia Child

E) Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Marble Mountains, Northern California
2. Millau, the place in Southern France where they burned the McDonald's down
3. Tofino storm watch, British Columbia
4. Cross-country, US, '67 Mustang with a dog named Bandit

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. PatternReview
2. Santa Cruz Senile, Cops and Courts section
3. BlogPulse
4. Public library online catalog

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos con Carnitas
2. Anything from the garden
3. Coffee Ice cream with chocolate sauce
4. Homemade bread from William

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. With or without money is the question....
2. No Money:  Seabright Beach bonfire
3. Lotsa Money: New York
4. Either Way: Vancouver

Then there's all the places I've never been that I'd like to see: Iceland, Italy, Iran, India. I want to go on an "I" tour. Baghdad was on it until very recently.

Venus Loves You

For today's love ritual, I have some musical gifts for you.

First, a little toy: it's called the iTunes Signature Maker.

You launch the program, and it analyzes your whole iTunes music collection, particularly how often you play something, or the rating you gave it.

Then, it makes this 20-second collage that blends together all your favorites.

Here's mine, for example. My demonstration, in fact, should guide you as to how to avoid some embarrassing mistakes! 

I often have trouble falling asleep after a hard day at the sex office. One of my tricks to knock myself out is to play lullaby-like classical music. I've played these songs so many nights, that they completely dominate my unexpurgated "collage." Well, it beats Ambien!

Also, I shared my Comic Christmas song collection with about a hundred people last season, and so right in the middle of the opera passage, you hear a South Park melody.

If you listen real close, you'll hear an Elvis mash-up that my daughter played about a thousand times one day when I was out of town.

May I suggest that when YOU do your signature, you begin by "unchecking" all the Christmas songs, comedy routines, and sleep-inducers in your collection?

I know this is hardly enough of a gift, especially for those of you who don't use iTunes in the first place!  So here's a real song to celebrate the best of the day:

"You Would be Into You But You Don't Know What You're Like"

Cherry blossoms, deep oil massages, and kittens tied up with string,

Susie

P.S. As for my "Worst V-Day" story, I've decided that all of you who took the time to pour your heart out in an entry deserve LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and EROTICA. If you posted a heartbreaking story before midnight last night, and you want a book, please send me your snail mail address to: susie at susiebright dot com. Put "Valentines Book" in the subject line!

"Downtown Venus," by PM Dawn, from Jesus Wept, one of the finest of all time.

Susie's Six Feet Under Winner: You May Kiss the Deceased!

I just love clever girls, and we seem to have one in our midst.

Miss Rebecca, would you like to take a bow?

On Six Feet Under last night, Episode #506, I played a small guest role as myself,  the friend of dearly deceased.... Fiona Kleinschmidt.  A character we haven't seen since the last time the cast got high in Topanga Canyon!

Lucky poster Rebecca wrote in anticipation of this terrible shock:

"Remember Fiona Kleinschmidt?  The "wicked" pal of the then-quite-loaded Aunt Sarah, the very one who "deflowered" Nate when he was just fifteen?  Yes, THAT Fiona Kleinschmidt, played by Lee Garlington."

Rebecca, if you would be so kind to send me your snail mail, I will send you a copy of my script, and a big photo of me with Fiona's corpse.... I know, it's all too touching!

Now that the episode is over, I can also tell you that I played a KEY role behind-the-scenes as the original bong-wrangler.

It was such a gas last night watching the episode with my friends. They brought a special cake for me that was decorated in the fashion of a Susie Cemetary, with my gravestones piled on top of eachother.  And it was Chocolate Hazelnut to boot.  My daughter squeezed my hand so tight the whole time, and my lover doubled over in laughter when I lit up in the embalming room. The singing really got to everyone... and that was the most difficult scene to shoot... I never dreamed it would turn out so poignant as we coughed and hacked our way through the lyrics and the fake grass.

Thank you so much for playing this contest with me, and helping support Planned Parenthood in the process. I'm going to turn over all the funds to them this week, and I'm sure they will be delighted.

P.S.  About the "Playing God" contest... only two of you entered this aspect of my game,"Deb, and Christian. Deb wrote an awful end for Margaret Chenoweth, and Christian savagely killed off Olivier. You both touched me with your perverted minds, and so I'm going to send photos to both of you. Send me your snail mails!

Guess Who Dies on Six Feet Under, and Win the Script!

Six Feet Under is beginning its new, and very last season this coming Monday night, the 6th.  Why did they move it to Mondays, I wonder?  Since I don't have a TV, I'm a little out of the loop.

As faithful readers know, I take a particular interest in this season, because I'm a guest star, on the July 11th episode.  I'm already sewing my perfect little black dress to wear for the viewing occasion.

But on to more imporant things. I have issued a challenge! Who do you think dies on my episode?  There's a very special prize for you if you figure it out.

The dead star is someone you first met in the early days of the show. This character is... get ready for this clue...  someone you can see on the Six Feet Under  DVDs that are already in circulation. You don't have to even watch this coming season to have a chance at making the correct guess..... no, no, it's someone already familiar.

Who could it be?  Tick tock... Some of you have already made a guess... and it's okay to vote on the same person someone else picked. If more than one of you picks the "right corpse," I'll put your names in the hat and pick the winner.

What do you win?  You win a never-before-seen photo of me and the dead star, posed in the morgue. How divine!  Plus a copy of my script and notes. Fascinating!  And, to make you feel ever so altruistic, you will be helping support my cause for this contest, Planned Parenthood.

Everyone who wants to guess has to buy a $5 dollar  "Guess The Dead Person Ticket". You purchase your ticket here, and post your guess below, in the Comments section. Easy peasy.  Imagine your glee, the bragging rights, the smug look you can give everyone else.

Now get cracking, and put on your best pallor.

"Who Bought the Farm?" on Six Feet Under?

Wanna play a game, my little pretty?

Let's see if you can guess who dies on Episode 506 of the last season of HBO's Six Feet Under, to be broadcast this July 11. I am the guest star, playing myself, but I am NOT the victim!  The episode is written by Jill Soloway, who invited me to make merry with her on her last show.

The  6FU season will begin this June, and my show is in the middle of it all.

If you are a regular viewer, you know that in each episode, someone dies.

WHO DIES?

In most episodes, the person who dies is unconnected to serial plot line, and unknown to the rest of the characters.  But in #506, this is not the case!  The "dead person" is a character who has been part of the series storyline.

Therein lies our contest! Who dies in Episode 506?  Who should die in Episode 506?

THE BAIT

If you guess correctly, or speculate brilliantly,  before the show airs, you will win:

An autographed, original photograph of me, Susie, posing with the "dead" character in the morgue. What a treasure!  No one else has this photo, it was taken on my camera and no one has seen it except me.

And that's not all!

The lucky winners will also receive a year's subscription to In Bed with Susie Bright, on Audible.com, and a copy of Jill Soloway's new novella that I edited, Three Kinds of Asking For It,  which is coming out this June as well.

Plus, if you are the altruistic type, there is another motive. I am using this contest to help raise funds for my blog and for the Planned Parenthood offices in Santa Cruz County, where I live.  I hope I can raise at least $500! That shouldn't be too hard.

Everyone who makes a guess in my contest has to purchase a cheap ticket to play, $5 a pop. Half the proceeds will go to my blog expenses, and half the money will go to Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. You can donate more if you like, but $5 is all that's required.

Planned Parenthood, as I know from personal experience, will offer anyone free, anonymous birth control information and help, gynecological exams, as well as prenatal care, abortion counseling, STD screening, and absolutely anything you need for your reproductive roller coaster. Their waiting room is jam-packed with women from every walk of life, and they genuinely need our support and donations. The women who work at our clinic are my heroines, and I hope you will be pleased to help raise some money for them, because they are the REAL THING.

HOW TO PLAY

The contest offers you TWO different ways to play.  You can play one, or both contests.

The Simple Guess Game:
You make one guess as to who you think dies. Post it HERE. (After you buy your ticket). You don't have to explain why or how, just write their name down. (Of course you can make your argument, but you don't have to). The name will win you the contest, even if your reasoning doesn't.  You can only guess ONE person, ONE TIME.  Entry fee is $5.

The Playing God Game:
If you are the imaginative, screenwriter-wannabe type, you can write me a short explanation (300 words or less)  of who on the show you think SHOULD die, and what would be the circumstances. Post it HERE. (After you buy your ticket.) I will be the  judge of which entry I think is the most fabulous and believable. This guess, and explanation, cannot be the same as your "Simple Guess." You can only submit ONE scenario, ONE time.  Entry fee is $5.

THE RULES

You cannot play if you are  a member of my immediate family, or work at HBO in any capacity. You cannot be anyone who worked on Episode 506 or was anywhere near it. Cheaters will be found out, exposed, and ridden out of town on a rail.

You must buy a "ticket" to play. When you make your donation of $5 or more, you will earn your "ticket" to play the guessing game of who dies, or who should die, in Episode 506 of Six Feet Under, to be broadcast on July 11.

You must post your guesses here, in the Comments Section. No private emails or correspondances will be accepted; it all has to be visible here.

(You pay for your ticket at the Amazon donation site I set up, which I provided the link to above. If you don't want to use Amazon, or your credit card, you can send me a check for $5 to Susie at P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061). 

After you pay for entry ticket,you will get an automated "Thank You" message, and will be referred back to this page to make your guess!

In your guess, state whether you are making a SIMPLE GUESS or a PLAYING GOD guess. You can play either or both games, but you must make a $5 donation for each.

If you make a Simple Guess, all you have to say is the name of the character you think dies.

If more than one contestant picks the winning Simple Guess answer, I will draw the winner out of a hat.

If you make a Playing God Guess, you have to write a short, (under 300 words) essay on who you think SHOULD die, and why/how. I will pick the winner based on my judgment of the most convincing  speculation. It will NOT be the same victim as the Simple Guess answer.

WHAT YOU WIN!

The two winners will receive an original, 8 x 10, autographed photograph of Susie with the "deceased" character on the set of Six Feet Under. They will also receive a year subscription to In Bed with Susie Bright on Audible.com, and a copy of her new erotic novella series: Three Kinds of Asking For It.

The winners will be announced July 12, 2005 on Susie's blog and notified individually by email.

Thank you for having some fun with me, and supporting good causes!

HOW TO START PLAYING

Start your entry in the "Six Feet Under  WHO DIES? Contest" by getting your ticket HERE.

Then come back to this post, and write your guesses here, in the Comments Section.

P.S.  To All of you who already started guessing in earlier posts, you MUST make an official entry. Go to the Ticket donation site, plug in your five dollars, than come back here and post your guess, fresh. I will NOT be counting any emails or posts sent previously to this posting.