Susie Bright's Journal

Contest: How Would YOU answer this Wife Swap Letter?

I received this letter from a TV casting producer yesterday, and after laffing myself sick, I began to file it under "Things I Wouldn't Do for a Million Dollars."

If you haven't seen the show in question, here's five words: Total Humiliation at Your Expense.

[I know a homeschooling family in Santa Cruz who (idealistically) went for it, and they were crucified as a bunch of demented hippie freakazoids. The other "family" was characterized, shall we say, as "know-nothing jive-ass black crackers." The home viewer gets to feel vastly superior to both families, as they both look despicable. That's American Entertainment, folks!  I didn't make it through one episode, so I don't even know how bad things got.]

I decided this fella's pitch, though, is too good not to share. Plus, we could have our own fun with it:

Write me a brief letter showing how YOU would answer this. Anything goes! Whichever one tickles my evil prank fancy will win a copy of the yet-to-be-released Best American Erotica 2007, secret preview copy!

Also, since this show specializes in matching opposites, whose family do you think they'd stick me with? Gosh, maybe if I could choose, it would be worth it!

Greetings Susie,

My name is A— R— and I am the [casting producer] for the hit show Wife Swap on ABC Television.

Perhaps you have see it? We are currently looking for amazing families with huge personalities and great dynamics for the 3rd season. I have been researching Romance Specialists, and somehow, serendipitously, stumbled upon your page.

After reading a few blogs and checking out your books, I feel compelled to invite you to apply for the show. (If you're interested) Ideally, I would love to find a family, with a smart, strong and savvy mom, that could bring on a whole storm of radical positive change into another home. And I think you could do just that.

In case you are unfamiliar with the show, the premise of Wife Swap is that one parent from each household swaps places for seven days to experience how another family runs their lives.

It is an incredible family experience and opportunity to both learn and teach different family values.  The show is a fascinating story of what happens when two married couples see themselves and their spouses in a whole new light. The New York Post says, "It should be called ‘Life Swap’ because it's not just the wives who learn something here. It's the families."

Also, not that money is an incentive but the family that is selected receives $20,000 and there is a $1,000 finders fee if you refer us an amazing family that makes the show.

So, that’s my pitch to you Susie.  Think it over, and if you’re interested, please feel free to contact me to find out more.

Best regards,

A— R—

Thanks to Flickr member Lloydi for photo!

Clits Up Photo Contest

Okay, who's got a camera? I need some very cute, irresistable pictures taken of my new Clits UP! button.

UPDATE, morning of August 17:  I got all the button/photo requests I can handle right now! Thank you so much! In a few weeks, I should have some great photos to post, and then I'll buy a whole bunch more buttons to distribute. So don't cry if you missed Round 1, because I'll have more within a month.

There's something about the size of it that makes it JUST RIGHT. —Small but powerful.

When you wear them with friends at the same time, on white t-shirts, it makes you look like you're in a cult. What could be better?

I've seen some snapshots of my new design, but the focus is too far away to see the button properly.

I also want to see the message on people's bodies/outfits—their lapel, their breast, their fetching whatever— but the button has to be "readable."

If I had the right picture, I could post it here in my blog and promote my world clitoral- domination schemes! You understand the urgency, of course.

I don't know how many of you will reply to this, so let's say I have enough for the first twenty folks who respond!

Closeup from Ariel. This photo does a great job of showing the button text, but you can't see how adorable Ariel is wearing it. My conundrum.

Are These the Best Sex Blogs?

I just discovered a site called Sugasm.

They ask sexually-oriented bloggers each week to nominate, among themselves, the best posts of the week: be it erotica, "porn," or sexual politics/philosophy/confessions of all kinds.

I nominated my own piece of Joe Francis from last week, as you'll see below. The links are wildly diverse. I had no idea there are special Star Trek spanking soap opera sites.  I found some new personal sex bloggers I really like.

Other links didn't do much for me, or were more conservative than my taste. And by conservative, I mean "not changing the dominant paradigm of porn-cliches and gender roles"  kind of conservative. As for as explicitness or kink goes, they are not at all conservative!

What do you you think? Should I run this weekly, or some version of it? It is the best, and most progressive "curated" list of up-to-the-minute sex links I've seen— but I may be sheltered!

We could also have a huge influence on the list. Many of YOU are writing great stuff yourselves, and should nominate your own latest brilliance. Their form to enter is here. IMHO, they need more queer stuff, more subversive provocation, feminist pork, and imaginative vanilla!

Sugasm #42  

Mr. Sugasm Himself
An Illustrated Guide to Nude Modeling (sugarbank.com)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews
Audacia Ray films her porn movie! (http://viviane212.blogspot.com)
Girls Gone Wild: Producer Going to Hell (http://susiebright.com)
Glass Sex Toy 101 (http://sultry.naughtyblog.net)
New Kinky Designs Added! (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)
Sex Toys Between Your Sheets: Write About It! (http://blog.babeland.com)
Straight Porn Review: Fuck It Like It’s Hot (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Fantasies (http://sensualsingleton.blogspot.com)
HNT: The Heartbreakingly Kinky Sex (http://sabrinainstockings.com)
Mom's Advice - His Fallen Angel (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)
The Purple Thing (http://bdsmlover.blogspot.com)
Suck Me! (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)
Voluntarily Violated (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Anatomy of a pinup, part 1 (telling the story) (http://retromodernist.com)
Hanging onto Life by a G-String (http://www.taratainton.com)
The importance of being "in" (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
Let's Talk About Sex (http://www.seskuality.com)
Male issues & the world revolves around my pussy? (http://www.alphadominablog.com)
Past Pleasures (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)
The Quiet Ones (http://redfrique.blogspot.com)
Sleeping Naked (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)
Stirrings (http://ladycalliah.wordpress.com)
Why do men fall asleep after sex? (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Dominating my Man! (http://www.la-day.blogspot.com)
The Honeymoon Part II (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)
Judas Kiss (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Met with a white boi today (http://www.caramelvixen.com)
Negotiation 101 (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)
A Pleasant Personal Punishment (Part One) (http://seanandmel.blogspot.com)
A Return To (http://fresh-fetish.com/blog)
Threesome with Master R and Master Anakin (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Humor
Cumming Confusion (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)
Ms Naughty Is About Porn For Women (http://www.msnaughty.com/blog/)

 

Pin-up photo by the talented Mark Anthony Lacy.

Four Things You May Not Know About Me

Okay, I surrender. You know those email surveys so-called friends send you, demanding you divulge secrets about yourself in heavily-categorized formats? —Those intimate personality surveys, and busy-body quizzes?

I've always deleted them.

Then I heard from a very old friend, Jack Davis, whom I haven't laid eyes on in years. Nostalgia overcame me. I guess I wanted to surprise him. But now I've decided to try and surprise you.

Four Things You May Not Have Known About Me:

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. McDonald's Golden Girl... my first job
2. Founding organizer of Teamsters For Democratic Union
3. University of Louisville banquet department
4. Fully-Clothed Porn Extra

B) Four movies I've watched over and over:
1. Smoker with Sharon Mitchell, Ron Jeremy, David Christopher and John Leslie
2. Diabolik
3. Wizard of Oz
4. Anything with Helen Mirren

C) Four places I have existed:
1. Edmonton, Alberta
2. Detroit, Six Mile and Livernois, Michigan
3. Beverly Glen, Los Angeles, CA
4. Jakarta, Indonesia— okay, I was only conceived there.

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. None in progress... I rent the DVDs. No TV reception.
2. Currently:  Rescue Me
3. Recently: Prime Suspect
4. Childhood: Julia Child

E) Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Marble Mountains, Northern California
2. Millau, the place in Southern France where they burned the McDonald's down
3. Tofino storm watch, British Columbia
4. Cross-country, US, '67 Mustang with a dog named Bandit

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. PatternReview
2. Santa Cruz Senile, Cops and Courts section
3. BlogPulse
4. Public library online catalog

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos con Carnitas
2. Anything from the garden
3. Coffee Ice cream with chocolate sauce
4. Homemade bread from William

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. With or without money is the question....
2. No Money:  Seabright Beach bonfire
3. Lotsa Money: New York
4. Either Way: Vancouver

Then there's all the places I've never been that I'd like to see: Iceland, Italy, Iran, India. I want to go on an "I" tour. Baghdad was on it until very recently.

Venus Loves You

For today's love ritual, I have some musical gifts for you.

First, a little toy: it's called the iTunes Signature Maker.

You launch the program, and it analyzes your whole iTunes music collection, particularly how often you play something, or the rating you gave it.

Then, it makes this 20-second collage that blends together all your favorites.

Here's mine, for example. My demonstration, in fact, should guide you as to how to avoid some embarrassing mistakes! 

I often have trouble falling asleep after a hard day at the sex office. One of my tricks to knock myself out is to play lullaby-like classical music. I've played these songs so many nights, that they completely dominate my unexpurgated "collage." Well, it beats Ambien!

Also, I shared my Comic Christmas song collection with about a hundred people last season, and so right in the middle of the opera passage, you hear a South Park melody.

If you listen real close, you'll hear an Elvis mash-up that my daughter played about a thousand times one day when I was out of town.

May I suggest that when YOU do your signature, you begin by "unchecking" all the Christmas songs, comedy routines, and sleep-inducers in your collection?

I know this is hardly enough of a gift, especially for those of you who don't use iTunes in the first place!  So here's a real song to celebrate the best of the day:

"You Would be Into You But You Don't Know What You're Like"

Cherry blossoms, deep oil massages, and kittens tied up with string,

Susie

P.S. As for my "Worst V-Day" story, I've decided that all of you who took the time to pour your heart out in an entry deserve LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and EROTICA. If you posted a heartbreaking story before midnight last night, and you want a book, please send me your snail mail address to: susie at susiebright dot com. Put "Valentines Book" in the subject line!

"Downtown Venus," by PM Dawn, from Jesus Wept, one of the finest of all time.

Susie's Six Feet Under Winner: You May Kiss the Deceased!

I just love clever girls, and we seem to have one in our midst.

Miss Rebecca, would you like to take a bow?

On Six Feet Under last night, Episode #506, I played a small guest role as myself,  the friend of dearly deceased.... Fiona Kleinschmidt.  A character we haven't seen since the last time the cast got high in Topanga Canyon!

Lucky poster Rebecca wrote in anticipation of this terrible shock:

"Remember Fiona Kleinschmidt?  The "wicked" pal of the then-quite-loaded Aunt Sarah, the very one who "deflowered" Nate when he was just fifteen?  Yes, THAT Fiona Kleinschmidt, played by Lee Garlington."

Rebecca, if you would be so kind to send me your snail mail, I will send you a copy of my script, and a big photo of me with Fiona's corpse.... I know, it's all too touching!

Now that the episode is over, I can also tell you that I played a KEY role behind-the-scenes as the original bong-wrangler.

It was such a gas last night watching the episode with my friends. They brought a special cake for me that was decorated in the fashion of a Susie Cemetary, with my gravestones piled on top of eachother.  And it was Chocolate Hazelnut to boot.  My daughter squeezed my hand so tight the whole time, and my lover doubled over in laughter when I lit up in the embalming room. The singing really got to everyone... and that was the most difficult scene to shoot... I never dreamed it would turn out so poignant as we coughed and hacked our way through the lyrics and the fake grass.

Thank you so much for playing this contest with me, and helping support Planned Parenthood in the process. I'm going to turn over all the funds to them this week, and I'm sure they will be delighted.

P.S.  About the "Playing God" contest... only two of you entered this aspect of my game,"Deb, and Christian. Deb wrote an awful end for Margaret Chenoweth, and Christian savagely killed off Olivier. You both touched me with your perverted minds, and so I'm going to send photos to both of you. Send me your snail mails!

Guess Who Dies on Six Feet Under, and Win the Script!

Six Feet Under is beginning its new, and very last season this coming Monday night, the 6th.  Why did they move it to Mondays, I wonder?  Since I don't have a TV, I'm a little out of the loop.

As faithful readers know, I take a particular interest in this season, because I'm a guest star, on the July 11th episode.  I'm already sewing my perfect little black dress to wear for the viewing occasion.

But on to more imporant things. I have issued a challenge! Who do you think dies on my episode?  There's a very special prize for you if you figure it out.

The dead star is someone you first met in the early days of the show. This character is... get ready for this clue...  someone you can see on the Six Feet Under  DVDs that are already in circulation. You don't have to even watch this coming season to have a chance at making the correct guess..... no, no, it's someone already familiar.

Who could it be?  Tick tock... Some of you have already made a guess... and it's okay to vote on the same person someone else picked. If more than one of you picks the "right corpse," I'll put your names in the hat and pick the winner.

What do you win?  You win a never-before-seen photo of me and the dead star, posed in the morgue. How divine!  Plus a copy of my script and notes. Fascinating!  And, to make you feel ever so altruistic, you will be helping support my cause for this contest, Planned Parenthood.

Everyone who wants to guess has to buy a $5 dollar  "Guess The Dead Person Ticket". You purchase your ticket here, and post your guess below, in the Comments section. Easy peasy.  Imagine your glee, the bragging rights, the smug look you can give everyone else.

Now get cracking, and put on your best pallor.

"Who Bought the Farm?" on Six Feet Under?

Wanna play a game, my little pretty?

Let's see if you can guess who dies on Episode 506 of the last season of HBO's Six Feet Under, to be broadcast this July 11. I am the guest star, playing myself, but I am NOT the victim!  The episode is written by Jill Soloway, who invited me to make merry with her on her last show.

The  6FU season will begin this June, and my show is in the middle of it all.

If you are a regular viewer, you know that in each episode, someone dies.

WHO DIES?

In most episodes, the person who dies is unconnected to serial plot line, and unknown to the rest of the characters.  But in #506, this is not the case!  The "dead person" is a character who has been part of the series storyline.

Therein lies our contest! Who dies in Episode 506?  Who should die in Episode 506?

THE BAIT

If you guess correctly, or speculate brilliantly,  before the show airs, you will win:

An autographed, original photograph of me, Susie, posing with the "dead" character in the morgue. What a treasure!  No one else has this photo, it was taken on my camera and no one has seen it except me.

And that's not all!

The lucky winners will also receive a year's subscription to In Bed with Susie Bright, on Audible.com, and a copy of Jill Soloway's new novella that I edited, Three Kinds of Asking For It,  which is coming out this June as well.

Plus, if you are the altruistic type, there is another motive. I am using this contest to help raise funds for my blog and for the Planned Parenthood offices in Santa Cruz County, where I live.  I hope I can raise at least $500! That shouldn't be too hard.

Everyone who makes a guess in my contest has to purchase a cheap ticket to play, $5 a pop. Half the proceeds will go to my blog expenses, and half the money will go to Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. You can donate more if you like, but $5 is all that's required.

Planned Parenthood, as I know from personal experience, will offer anyone free, anonymous birth control information and help, gynecological exams, as well as prenatal care, abortion counseling, STD screening, and absolutely anything you need for your reproductive roller coaster. Their waiting room is jam-packed with women from every walk of life, and they genuinely need our support and donations. The women who work at our clinic are my heroines, and I hope you will be pleased to help raise some money for them, because they are the REAL THING.

HOW TO PLAY

The contest offers you TWO different ways to play.  You can play one, or both contests.

The Simple Guess Game:
You make one guess as to who you think dies. Post it HERE. (After you buy your ticket). You don't have to explain why or how, just write their name down. (Of course you can make your argument, but you don't have to). The name will win you the contest, even if your reasoning doesn't.  You can only guess ONE person, ONE TIME.  Entry fee is $5.

The Playing God Game:
If you are the imaginative, screenwriter-wannabe type, you can write me a short explanation (300 words or less)  of who on the show you think SHOULD die, and what would be the circumstances. Post it HERE. (After you buy your ticket.) I will be the  judge of which entry I think is the most fabulous and believable. This guess, and explanation, cannot be the same as your "Simple Guess." You can only submit ONE scenario, ONE time.  Entry fee is $5.

THE RULES

You cannot play if you are  a member of my immediate family, or work at HBO in any capacity. You cannot be anyone who worked on Episode 506 or was anywhere near it. Cheaters will be found out, exposed, and ridden out of town on a rail.

You must buy a "ticket" to play. When you make your donation of $5 or more, you will earn your "ticket" to play the guessing game of who dies, or who should die, in Episode 506 of Six Feet Under, to be broadcast on July 11.

You must post your guesses here, in the Comments Section. No private emails or correspondances will be accepted; it all has to be visible here.

(You pay for your ticket at the Amazon donation site I set up, which I provided the link to above. If you don't want to use Amazon, or your credit card, you can send me a check for $5 to Susie at P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061). 

After you pay for entry ticket,you will get an automated "Thank You" message, and will be referred back to this page to make your guess!

In your guess, state whether you are making a SIMPLE GUESS or a PLAYING GOD guess. You can play either or both games, but you must make a $5 donation for each.

If you make a Simple Guess, all you have to say is the name of the character you think dies.

If more than one contestant picks the winning Simple Guess answer, I will draw the winner out of a hat.

If you make a Playing God Guess, you have to write a short, (under 300 words) essay on who you think SHOULD die, and why/how. I will pick the winner based on my judgment of the most convincing  speculation. It will NOT be the same victim as the Simple Guess answer.

WHAT YOU WIN!

The two winners will receive an original, 8 x 10, autographed photograph of Susie with the "deceased" character on the set of Six Feet Under. They will also receive a year subscription to In Bed with Susie Bright on Audible.com, and a copy of her new erotic novella series: Three Kinds of Asking For It.

The winners will be announced July 12, 2005 on Susie's blog and notified individually by email.

Thank you for having some fun with me, and supporting good causes!

HOW TO START PLAYING

Start your entry in the "Six Feet Under  WHO DIES? Contest" by getting your ticket HERE.

Then come back to this post, and write your guesses here, in the Comments Section.

P.S.  To All of you who already started guessing in earlier posts, you MUST make an official entry. Go to the Ticket donation site, plug in your five dollars, than come back here and post your guess, fresh. I will NOT be counting any emails or posts sent previously to this posting.