Susie Bright's Journal

Summertime (Minestrone) and the Living is Easy

I tore open into my veggie scheme box this afternoon and ate all the strawberries. The summer produce smells so good. What else was in there?  Kale, three kinds of summer squash, green beans, baby turnips, basil, lemons, carrots, spring onions and garlic. The whole bounty could be thrown together for Summer Minestrone.

Delicious minestrone with fresh spring or summer vegetables is all about timing with a light touch— you slice the veggies as thin as you can, and barely cook them. Here's my recipe for this afternoon:

Melt butter, olive oil, and maybe a slice of bacon or pancetta in a Dutch Oven.

Saute the onions and garlic until they're soft and translucent. If you want to add finely-diced sweet peppers, or fennel, this is the time.

Slice your kale, or whatever leafy greens you've got into ribbons, and throw them in the pot— let them wilt in the oil.

Add about a tablespoon of either fish sauce (yes, the popular Chinese dish ingredient) OR anchovy paste. Same effect! When everyone is screaming about your secret ingredient at the table, don't tell them this is it... just shrug your shoulders and keep a constant supply in your cupboard.

Add a quart or so of chicken broth and heat to simmer. Let your kale (greens) simmer for 5-10 minutes.

Now for the sneaky part. If you have a Cuisinart, with the "slicing disk" attachment, it allows you to cut veggies as thin as potato chips— in seconds. That's what I did with the squash, turnips, green beans, turnips, and carrots. Bam bam bam. I have an adjustable disk I set at 2mm. (If you are using a mandolin or a knife, set aside about 20 minutes to do all this before you begin anything else).

So, back to the broth. Your kale is getting softer after five minutes. Add all those thinly-sliced veggies and let them simmer for about 10 minutes. Throw in some fresh corn kernels or peas for under 5 minutes. There is no vegetable of this season that doesn't fit in.

Towards the end, add some finely diced basil, just a couple tablespoons, and grate in a teaspoon of lemon zest.

Salt and pepper with flair.

I turned the heat off. You don't want those pretty little slices to lose their color.

I found some leftover cooked pasta in the fridge, orzo, and I added a couple handfuls. The broth warmed it right up. Rice or any other grain would've been fine, too. 

Ladle into bowls and spoon on the Parmesan cheese. Pour a beer.

---Die and go to heaven!

 

Photo of Spring Onions from Mariquita Farms, who grow all the produce in my recipes!

 

Hong Kong Jook for Everyone (Congee Loves You)

 

Making rice porridge is easy and yummy. You add your own extras and condiments to this comfort food and it tastes better than you can imagine.

My friends Janet and Dan showed me how to make this recipe yesterday— jook when you want it NOW— no waiting around.

Congee for your sick days, congee for missing-your-Mommy days, congee for hangovers, congee for brunch, congee impress-your-virgin- friends, congees for extended-TV-watching, congee right-out-of-the-fridge-heated-up anytime.

Most people look at congee recipes online and despair because it takes a couple hours of slow cooking. NO MORE!

Here's how to make quick, perfect-tasting rice porridge:

Cook 1 part rice to 8 parts water or chicken stock. Or fish or veggie stock. Or coconut milk.

Cook it just like you would cook a regular rice recipe, for 20 minutes. 

Here's the sneaky, "right-tool-for-the-jook" trick:

Take an immersible blender and blend what's in your saucepan until it's like pudding.

YOU'RE DONE.

 

That's the basic recipe, but I've written down the congee I made yesterday so you can see an example of a full-blown congee pig-out.

Janet and Dan supplied me with the condiments and garnishes for my first venture. They live in San Francisco. I was worried, "How will I ever find these Chinese ingredients in my square little town?" 

But guess what? You can buy all these things on the Internet. They are inexpensive and mail well. I have provided links below. 

 

Susie's Game of Thrones Congee

W/ Much Love to Janet and Dan

 

1 cup rice

8 cups chicken stock and water (I ran out of chicken stock; didn't matter)

1 T sesame oil

Salt

Heat the oil on medium high heat in saucepan and stir in the rice and salt,until the rice is coated and transluscent.

Add your stock/water and cook for 20 minutes on low, simmering low. 

Turn off your heat.

Use your immersible blender in the saucepan, turning it  on "high" to blend your rice porridge until it's pudding-consistency.

Ladle into bowls and add your condiments and garnishes.

 

Garnish with any of the following, and hand yourself a big spoon:

Chinese pickles or any small-diced picked vegetables you have around. Picked cabbage, not cucumbers, is preferable.

Nori, or any kind of seasoned seaweed

Salted peanuts

Pork threads, also called Pork Fu

1000-Year-Old Egg, (a preserved duck egg), diced. Yes, this is a must.

Scallions, diced

2 Hard-boiled regular eggs, crumbled

Cilantro

Soy sauce

 

I would also happily use:

Chopped-up cooked chicken

Shellfish

Carnitas

Sliced ginger

Any kind of veggies, lightly sauteed or raw

Greens, raw or cooked

Bean curd skin

Anything that goes with rice is going to taste good. 

 

Illustration: Jon Bailiff

 

 

 

Strip Tea Party: A Ladies' Literary Salon with Six Naked Silent Slaveboys

You know how hard it is to get good service nowadays. Chivalry is a corpse, discretion is unheard of, and elegance—elegance is currently defined by advertisements for discount furniture.

A wellbred woman might spend her entire maturity never once hearing the words "May I be of service to you?"—although she may spend her life waiting on others, particularly children and men. Such a predicament could make strong women weep and gnash their teeth, but when the going gets tough, the tough throw a party. A very unusual party.

"Strip Tea" from Susie Bright's Sexual Reality

It all started when I received an invitation to attend a salon of women artists. We were offered an occasion to read aloud, sketch, and indulge ourselves in a proper High Tea. Most intriguing of all, the invitation promised we would be served our scones and punch by naked slaveboys who would not speak unless spoken to. The aspect of social nudity was of course titillating, but would ordinary men actually keep their lips buttoned for an approximately five-hour affair? That had to be seen to be believed. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Upon arrival, I was indeed greeted by a nude doorman who took my coat. Alas, he was the only servant in sight, and in the meantime, guests were arriving by the score. What a delightful group of invitees they were, too. If I had been able to get a simple cup of hot Earl Grey, my afternoon would have been complete.

But unfortunately, although the company was sublime and the concept impeccable, only two slaveboys were on hand to provide services, and despite their best intentions, I don't think either of them had ever so much as poured a cup of decaf.

The guests were uneducated in the fine art of being served. Though a couple of us were dressed in literary salon frocks, some came in sweatpants. One lovely woman offered to get up and fetch me a scone, and when I gently reminded her she was a guest, she pleaded with me, "It doesn't matter, I'm a bottom in real life." Ah yes, but real life was what we were trying to escape.

The ultimate affront was the vision, midway through the party, of an attractive girl on her knees, giving a "slaveboy" a neck massage!

I departed with my friend, Laura. We reviewed the afternoon and agreed it had been a wonderful, yet insufficient, experience. Wouldn't it be perfect to have a party like that in a grand mansion, with slaveboys who looked like Greek gods and served like altar boys?

"I'll dream of it," I told her as we parted, but Laura wasted no time in wistfulness.

The very next day, she called me. "My friend Amy has a beautiful home in the Berkeley hills, and she would love to hostess the kind of tea party we have in mind. The living room is Byronic, and there are even special servants' quarters."

I blinked. The first hurdle, getting out of our filthy, tiny, crime-ridden neighborhood apartments, had been overcome in the twinkling of a phone call. Now where on earth would we find the slaveboys?

Laura was an editor of local weekly paper at the time, where personal ads of all persuasions abounded. She agreed to place an ad for four weeks, but I had my doubts about getting much of a response to anything so bizarre. I was more confident that in my Rolodex I would find lots of liberated men who would love to serve us tea.

Little did I know the raw nerves our search would scratch. I got my first glimpse of the reaction during a trip to my mechanic. "Look what I'm up to," I said, pulling into the garage and waving my carefully typed personal ad:

Genteel and Bohemian gathering of women writers requires comely slaveboys to serve at our tea party. You will serve nude and will not speak unless spoken to. Standards are high. Food and beverage experience a must. No sex. Please send photo and qualifications to Madam Tea Party.

"What the fuck do I want with waiting on a bunch of broads?" asked Tom, leaning against his desk. "You're not paying anything for this? No way."

Some little lost feminist emotion in me snapped. "Women have been waiting on you from the time you were born," I said. "And you can't imagine switching sides for a couple of hours?"

The next week, I saw Tom again, and he asked how my search was going. The ad had not yet appeared, and I was getting nowhere.

My gay friends said they wouldn't have any fun waiting on women. "Why not?" I asked. "Whatever happened to your sense of classic theater? This isn't a pickup scene, it's the tea to end all teas!"

My straight friends, even the most sympathetic, went into a panic about penis size and fantasized far more permanent humiliation than anything I had in mind.

All my reassurances were in vain. But fate was about to turn her head. The Wednesday paper hit the streets... 

Continued in Susie Bright's Sexual Reality, "Strip Tea"

 

Photo: Michael Rosen, of the late Tom O'Conner, our chef for the Tea Party, and Susie Bright

French Onion Pumpkin Soup in a Pumpkin

Pumpkin Soup in a Pumpkin, Cheesey or Vegan!

 

I learned this recipe from an art professor at Alfred University, in upstate New York. He threw me the most delicious dinner party I’ve ever attended. This pumpkin soup qualifies as both sculpture and performance art.

Professor's recipe used real cheese and cream. At the time of the dinner party, I was 32 and could indulge in such things without any ill effect. Now, ten years later, I would keel over. 

 I tried making my pumpkin soup “vegan-style”, and to my delight, it was just as fantastic, and I could eat twice as much without getting a tummy-ache. None of my tasters could tell that I made it without dairy products— they all thought I was creaming them to death.

Ready?

 

Pumpkin Prep

Select a pumpkin that looks like it could handle 2-3 quarts of soup inside. At the same time, it has to be "not too big," so you can easily get it into your oven, on a shallow, solid, baking pan or sheet. Check out my photo for size comparison.

Cut the pumpkin open at the top, and when you do, cut at an angle, so that your knife drives in towards the center. What you want is a pumpkin “lid” that is wider at its skin-top, and narrower at its meat-bottom. Leave the stem! That's your handle.

The lid/hole needs to be big enough that you can easily ladle/scoop out the soup and pumpkin meat with a serving spoon, when it's all done.  For your typical big jack o'lantern, I'd say about 5-6 inches.... 

If you blow it, don't worry, it’s not imperative. The angled lid is the ideal shape so that it doesn’t “drop in” during the cooking, when the pumpkin expands and softens.

Scoop out the seeds and the funky membrane stuff.

With a sharp spoon or scraper, scrape the interior of the pumpkin until it is ½" thick. Save the pumpkin meat.

Place your pumpkin in a shallow baking dish or baking sheet with a lip. Do this now, because you won't be able to lift it later, otherwise!

 

 The Soup

In a dutch oven or big saucepan, sauté three sweet onions and a bulb of garlic in butter or olive oil. 

Add a quart of broth, either chicken, turkey, or vegetable. (Feel free to just open up four cans of broth from the supermarket). Heat it up in a big saucepan and add the pumpkin meat you scraped out.

To the simmering broth, add some oregano, a couple of carrots, bay leaf, pepper. (Don’t add salt if you’re using the canned broth... it’s already plenty salty). 

Cook your broth until carrot and pumpkin are soft. 

Remove the carrots and the bay leaf.

Blend with a potato masher, or beater. Don't worry about making it perfectly smooth, chunky is ok.

Add 3 cups of plain soy milk, (or milk, or half & half), a tablespoon of nutmeg, a couple shakes of cloves, and some salt and pepper to taste. 

Heat until it's ready to just-boil. Watch it, so you don't curdle your milk. Take the saucepan off the stove and set it up next to your prepped pumpkin waiting in its baking tray. 

 

Bread and Cheese

Now for the bread part. Your goal is to ladle your “soup” into the pumpkin between layers of bread and cheese.

You have a choice here: You can buy a package of the gourmet croutons they sell at your yuppie market. 

Or use a dry loaf of Challah or Sourdough bread and break it into chunks. Dry it out so it’s crunchy.  You want stale bread, fresh bread won’t work.

Do not use ANY other kind of breads than what I mentioned— they won’t taste right. If you go the crouton method, make sure they the big garlicky ones, not the little buggers people buy in a bag to make Thanksgiving stuffing.

 For the cheese, get a pound of Swiss, Jarlsburg or Gruyere. Grate up a package, or if it come in slices, that’s perfect. 

You can also use Swiss-style Tofu-rella... I promise you this will taste GRAND, and you will fool EVERYONE. 

Ladle the broth into the pumpkin, alternating between chunks of bread/croutons, and handfuls/slices of cheese. This is the fun part.

 

Getting It In and Out of the Oven

By now, your pumpkin is full and heavy. Put the pumpkin lid on, gently. It doesn't have to fit tight.

Lube the outside surface of the pumpkin with olive oil.  This will make it brown— it will look spectacular.

Cook at 425 degrees until browning... try a half hour on your timer for starters. It all depends on the size of your pumpkin. 

Be VERY careful taking the pumpkin out, it will be very heavy. Have it in a SOLID shallow baking pan so if something  breaks or spills, you’re not wrecked or burned.

Now serve to your flabbergasted guests. This soup is UNREAL.... people will be crying and gesticulating. You can handle it. Save a nice big hot bowl for yourself.

 

 

Re-Inventing the Onion

One odd thing about belonging to a farm share, or a "veggie scheme," is that sometimes you end up with a surplus of a seasonal item that you cannot seem to eat quickly enough.

I've had a couple of "red cabbage tantrums" that won't soon be forgotten.

This summer, the bountiful crop in my refrigerator has been the onion. I've amassed purplette cocktail onions, gold cippolines, blanco di maggio, Italian roasting onions, scallions, leeks, and Stockton Reds.  They are more than a simple martini and tomato sandwich could tear through.

I decided to make onion soup, and destroy three or four pounds of alliums in one giant chop.

But I couldn't remember how to make the classic French recipe, and when I looked it up, it all seemed like such a bother... straining out all the herbs, the toast and melted cheese, the perfect beef broth, blah blah. Plus, I didn't even have many of the essential ingredients they asked for, like beef broth, parseley, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I love gourmet meals in the style of Louis the XIV— I would just rather loll around on my satin pillow while someone else prepares them.

So instead, I decided to make a "quick" onion soup that was more in the style of making hippie lentil stew... and was I ever in for a surprise.

This was the best thing I have made all summer. This was one of those "you will see God" type soups. Actually it was practically a jam, it was so caramelized. Furthermore, I know the secret of not makign yoruself sick with onion-crying

Are you ready for love? Here it is:

3 or 4 pounds onions, any kind

1 quart of broth, fresh or organic canned (I used chicken broth stored in my freezer for months)

1 or 2 c. Arugula
4 or 5 T. Basil
1 T. of olive oil
Half a stick of butter
1/3 bottle of red wine (Some merlot that was sitting around)
Thyme

Get out your Cuisinart and put on the attachment they call the slicing disc. Stuff your onions in the tube and watch them get sliced to smithereens, without you shedding a tear. All you have to do is take the paper onionskin off first.

(Someone commented in this blog previously that a Cuisinart is a luxury item. I don't think it's any more a luxury item than a toaster or a coffeepot, and arguably more useful. There isn't a commercial kitchen in this country that operates without one. You can find them for as little as a dollar at a garage sale, and not much more at a discount shop.)

Melt the butter with a small amount of olive oil in a dutch oven. Add the sliced onions and cook down on medium high heat, stirring frequently. If you have to go out and make a phone call, just turn it down really low, and when you com eback to it, turn it up and keep stirring. You can do this several times, if you've got the time to keep making phone calls and talking to your neighbors and checking your email, which is what I did. The onions aren't going to fuck up on low heat.

Don't strain out any of the vegetables. You're going for a "jammy" look.

When ready to serve, ladle into bowls and then top with your favorite cheese: parmesan, Goat, gruyere. Or you might like Sour cream or yogurt, creme fraiche—oh, don't get me started, Sally!

You could add croutons, or just make butter yourself a nice slice of bread. You may not make it that far if you're too absorbed gulping spoonfuls out of the pot.

Susie's Spring 2011 American Tour: Big Sex Little Death

 

 

SUSIE BRIGHT AMERICAN TOUR: SPRING 2011

 

Let's Talk About Sex

Let's Talk About Death...

Let's Talk About What's Important—

& What Gets Left Behind

BIG SEX LITTLE DEATH:

A Memoir

A Reckoning

 

Dear Friends,

I've finished my memoir after three years— Big Sex Little Death — and I'm ready to come out of my bat-cave.

 

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

"Guns, drugs, threesomes, socialist factionalism, a stabbing... all before she got her G.E.D.? —I have a very scary feeling Susie Bright is not making any of this up." 

— Alison Bechdel

 

I'll be touring all over the country, and there's nothing I'd like more than to see you, hug you, and share my baby.  

Details and destinations below.

 

SAMPLES FROM THE BOOK

- Read my Introduction to the strange state of women's memoirs

 

- Check out an excerpt from my high school years, The Bunny Trip.

 

- More photos and mementos I couldn't stuff in the book! 

(Yes, it's available in hardback, e-book, & audio!)

TOUR DESTINATIONS

Ann Arbor, Atlanta, Baltimore/DC, Bay Area,

Chicago, Detroit, Marin County, Los Angeles,

New York, Oakland, Portland-OR,

St. Louis, San Francisco, Santa Cruz, and Tucson.

(For Media Inquiries or interview requests, please contact my publicist at Seal Press, Eva Zimmerman: eva.zimmerman@perseusbooks.com or 510.809.3834)

 If you want to book me, write my booking agent. 

 

TOUR DETAILS

Writing Classes,

Parenthood Sex Workshops,

Readings, Parties, Performances

Listed Alphabetically by City

 

ANN ARBOR

Monday, March 21, 7pm

Lecture, Signing, & Discussion

U of Michigan

Angell Hall, Auditorium B

Books from Common Language

------------------------

ATLANTA

Wednesday, April 27

Reading, Signing, Memoir Discussion

Outwrite Books

991 Piedmont Ave. NE

------------------------

BALTIMORE/DC/MARYLAND

Sunday, April 3, 4-6pm

"Multigen Feminist Pornographers Mouth Off!"  - Susie Bright and Tristan Taormino on Stage, Telling All!

This is part of the Momentum Con, a conference for people interested in sex, feminism, relationships, and new media.

Registration required 

 

Sunday, April 3, 8pm

House Party, Details TK

------------------------

CHICAGO

Friday, April 15th, 7:30pm

Reading, Signing, Discussion

Women and Children First Bookstore

5233 N. Clark St

 

Saturday, April 16, 10- 11:30am

The Erotic Memoir: A Writing Workshop with Susie

Advance Reg required, Call Store

Women and Children First Bookstore

5233 N. Clark St.

------------------------

DETROIT 

Saturday, March 19, 6-9pm

Party and Reading

Rivet Design Studio, 748 Seminole Street, in Indian Village

Bring a bottle and a dish to pass!  RSVP: (313) 822-4056

Books from Leopold's

------------------------

LOS ANGELES - W. HOLLYWOOD

Wednesday, April 13, 7pm

Reading, Signing, Discussion

Book Soup Bookstore

8818 Sunset Blvd.

------------------------

MARIN COUNTY 

Saturday, April 9, 4:30-6pm

Book Passage Bookstore Presents:

The Erotic Memoir: A Writing Workshop with Susie

 Advance Registration Required

 

Saturday, April 9, 7pm

Bookstore Reading, Signing, Discussion, 

51 Tamal Vista Blvd, Corte Madera

------------------------

NEW YORK

Wednesday, March 30, 7 pm

Reading, Signing, Memoir Discussion... and Feh Muh Nism!

Bluestockings Bookstore

172 Allen St.

 

Thursday, March 31, 7pm

Doug Henwood Interviews Susie Bright,

A live taped Audible interview

Strand Bookstore

828 Broadway

------------------------

OAKLAND

Sunday, April 10, 3pm

Reading, Signing, Discussion

Diesel Bookstore

5433 College Ave.

------------------------

PORTLAND, OR

Friday, April 29, Doors open 630, show starts 730

Live Wire Radio Event

Alberta Rose Theater

3000 NE Alberta St.

 

Saturday, April 30, 7-8:30pm

"Mom's Sex Diary: Your Pregnancy to Their Puberty--

How Raising Kids Changes Your Sex Life and Foretells Theirs"

Advance Reg Required, Phone Store 

She Bop

More Info TK

Sunday, May 1, 730pm

Reading, Signing, Memoir Discussion

Powell's Books

1005 W. Burnside

 

Monday, May 2, 7-9pm

"The Erotic Memoir: A Writing Workshop with Susie"

Advance Tix Required

Powells Books

1005 W. Burnside

------------------------

ST. LOUIS

Passover Sunday, April 17th, 4pm

Reading, Signing, Discussion

Left Bank Books

399 N. Euclid Ave.

------------------------

SAN FRANCISCO

Thursday, March 24, 6-9:30

My Birthday Party with Books! I'm turning 53!

Smuggler's Cove Tiki Bar

650 Gough, at McAllister

Master Rum-o-Logist Martin Cate is making me an original cocktail for the occasion: "The Sexpert," of course

 

Thursday, April 7, 7-8 pm

Femina Potens Presents:

"The Erotic Memoir: A Writing Workshop with Susie"

Advance Tix Required

Mission Control, Mission District, register for address

 

Thursday, April 7,  8:30-11

Sizzle - Erotic Lit Panel

Erotic stories from sex-positive moms,including Susie, Shar Rednour, Madison Young, Thea Hillman, & Penny Barber.

Advance Tix Required

Mission Control, Mission District, register for address

 

Wednesday, April 20th, 7pm

Reading, Signing,  Discussion

City Lights Bookstore

261 Columbus Ave

------------------------

SANTA CRUZ

Tuesday, April 5, 7:30pm

Reading, Signing, Discussion

Bookshop Santa Cruz

1520 Pacific Ave.

------------------------

TUCSON

Wednesday, June 15

An Evening with Susie Bright at The Loft Cinema

Sponsored by the Pima County Library

7:00 p.m.
(Doors open at 6:30 p.m.)
FREE ADMISSION
Seating is available on a first-come, first-seated basis / No advance tickets

 

"Susie is a one-woman counterculture...

She recounts a life full of political and erotic adventures and betrayals, a life at once deeply subversive and totally American, defined by the idea that people should be free to express and pursue their own visions of happiness, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the prigs and scolds among us."

— Tom Perrotta

 

 

Photo: Jill Posener, at the beautiful Albany Landfill

Details on How To Purchase Books:

Every independent bookstore you see linked on this page sells my hardback, and many of them do ebooks, too. Amazon has the Kindle version, the hardback, and exclusive audiobook. B&N has a "Nook" version as well as the hardback. In other words, you can find it everywhere, and be able to support the retailers you like.

Nothing Says Thanksgiving Like Baked Apple With A Marshmallow Buttplug

 

There's something about a Thanksgiving cold-snap that begs for baked apples. Baked apples with ice cream, pecans, brown sugar... and gooey, toasted marshmallow melting on your tongue. Everybody holding hands.

Go ahead, tell me how bad you want it!

When my friend Steve Harsin visited me to help catalog my dad's library, he shared his mother's baked apple recipe with me, which involved plugging the cored fruit with a marshmallow, before you pop it in the oven. It's a brilliant improvisation on the old Betty Crocker standby. 

I stuffed the apples with a flourish. "It's like a marshmallow buttplug!"

Steve said: "If my mother heard that, she would die."

Hey, mom will laugh harder than anyone. After all, she wiped all your butts for years.

Baked apples are easy-peasy to prepare, and will blow your Thanksgiving guests' minds. People forget the  tasty genius of a basic baked apple, and they'll worship you for reminding them of what's right and good in the world.

 

Just remember, Don't Tell Steve's Mom.

 

Choose some apples that are a little tart. You can't go wrong as long as they're crisp and flavorful.

Wash and core apples with a cheap but effective APPLE CORER. It works a lot faster than a paring knife.

Don't quite pierce the bottom of the apple; just drill down to about the last 1/2" -1/4". Your opening needs to be almost 1" wide.

Place in baking dish with sides. Fill the centers of each apple with 1-2 tablespoons of brown sugar, a teaspoon of walnuts or pecans, 1 tsp. of butter, and a sprinkle of cinnamon. I actually don't measure anything in this recipe myself, I just use my fingers and approximate!

I've given you the basic ingredients... but you could substitute or add anything you think tastes good with apples.

For the final touch, take a marshmallow and rudely stuff it in the top of each apple, pushing down the other ingredients into the cored hole.

It doesn't matter that the marshmallow pooches out at the top— baked apples are suppose to be messy.

Fill your baking dish with about 1/4" of water, so the apples are sitting in a shallow bath.

Bake uncovered in a 375 degree oven until tender when pierced with a fork.

Time varies with apple size, but it's about 30-40 min. Yum yum yum! Serve with ice cream or whipped cream, like an apple sundae. Mommy loves you!

 

 

 

Photos, from top to Bottom:

Cooking With My Kid - Kids love filling them, and it's instant gratification

The Foodie and the Family - The S'More's variation; YOW!

Iowa Girl Eats! - Sweet Potato stuffing and Minis... lay me down gently

Pam's MidWest Kitchen Korner - dried cherries and cinnamon sticks, oh my!

 

The "Election Night Crying Jag" Cocktail Recipe — and a Few Predictions

 

I happily went out to vote this morning, but I am not expecting a pretty result. The GOP is poised to exploit our country's misery in a rather spectacular way.

As much as the Democrats have let their base down, it's not as cruel as what the GOP errand-runners are primed to deliver.

When times get tough: the tough start drinking.

Let me present to you, after careful testing and sobbing, "The Election Night Crying Jag" — a cocktail that will allow you to stomach the statistics and even laugh as you're getting reamed.

I have three versions of the cocktail, which should give you an idea of how you can tweak your own medicine. Each one relies on bitters, a blend of herbs and mysteries which put the "cock'ed" in cocktail.

If you aren't "BITTER" about this election, you're not paying attention. However, in your drink cup, bitters turn philosophical and even calming.

Where can you get these unusual ingredients? In a rush, BevMo has them all— although any well-stocked liquor shop will be impressed with your shopping list.

Following my recipes, you will see my post-election predictions.

 

Election Night Crying Jag #1

Shake throughly over ice and pour:

2 oz, Bourbon (Bullet, Makers)
1 oz pineapple juice
.5 oz Campari
.5 oz Blood Orange Bitters or Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
3 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

Shake throughly over ice and pour for one.

 

Koch-Krazy Crying Jag for Two

1 ripe banana
2 T Cream of Coconut
1 cup crushed ice
1 oz "151 Proof" Rum
.5 oz Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
.5 oz Campari
6 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

Blend until creamy-smooth and finish with a straw exit poll. Makes two.

 

Candy-Colored-Clown Crying Jag

1 cups frozen raspberrys
2 T Cream of Coconut
1 oz "151 Proof" Rum
.5 oz Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
.5 oz Campari
6 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

Blend until creamy smooth and with a straw exit poll. Makes two. Add Vicodin for final twist.

 

17 Reasons Why: Predictions for the New Plutocracy

1. Racist, Virgin-Fetishing, and Gay-Bashing Victors will grow horns, while doing whatever they please in their private lives. They have a special C-Street License to indulge every perverse whim.

2. The U.S. Justice Deparment, already incapable of prosecuting anyone or anything, will become a wet-paper pussycat. There will be no oversight of any major industry in the United Sates.

3. Union workers will be targetted not just for having decent jobs, but for having jobs at all. If they get wiped out, there's no job protection or leverage for anyone in the blue, pink, or white collar class. —The best that can be said is that the few remaining unionists alive at this moment have been radicalized for life.

4. Racist appeals to quarantine, imprison, deport, and execute will become unrelenting. Look forward to pronouncements like, "I'm not a bigot, but brown and bearded people have GOT to be go!" Four talking heads will then agree on every media channel.

5. Gay Republican staffers, (which are virtually all of them), are going to turn against their masters in greater numbers. Their entitlement is going to make them uppity.

6. Abortion rights are going the way of toast. If you're rich, you will always have a way. Female sexual power is now consigned to the aristocratic traditions: virginity and lineage.

7. Female GOP candidates are the sign of one thing: The Shitty PR Job that girls always get, while patriarchs elsewhere pull the strings. It's a sign of how little candidates are worth.

8. Why do libertine billionaires feel content to stoke Puritanical rages in pursuit of their economic goals? Because they don't give a shit who wins, as long as government is inoperable— and they, therefore, are untouchable. Vice-&-Color-Frenzies deplete interest in good governance.

9. The Church of Profit doesn't include humanity; it's not efficient. How far can they go before the riots start? That's what the Plutocrats want to find out, and they're betting it won't happen in their pampered lifetimes.

10. Middle-class expecations and aspirations are over. Education, infrastructure, jobs as a ladder of success, anything that isn't inherited mega-wealth, is FINIS. Democracy and equality are not of interest to plutocrats who imagine their supply of humble servants and gated communities can continue without end.

11. Voter disenfranchisment in the new America will make the voting laws of the early Colonies look like a broadminded liberal concept.

12. Sex education, is going the way of the esoteric and elite. Public sex literacy is already an ignorance drip.  Irrelevant commodies— be they poorly-made drugs or poorly-made vibrators— are sold as sexual answers to problems which no one in public policy or health education is willing to speak of.

13. In the name of "Recovery," clean air, clean water, safe food supply, safe medicine, virtually all consumer protection, will be set aside.

14. People who thought that because they were "white," straight, wholesome, god-fearing—that they were going to be spared in all this ARE IN FOR  BIG  SURPRISE. If don't have an off-shore bank account, you are not invited to this ball. Even Cinderella doesn't have a spot.

15. The prison industry and the military industrial complex are the last working industries in this country, and will soon... merge.

16. The far-right litmus tests for Republicans— coupled with the  appeasement-minded Democrats' cowardly whimpers for power-sharing— will  force the end to the two-party system and beg the issue of alternative parties on the far-left and apocalyptic-right.

17. Last: More crying. Hopefully there will be some kicking along with it.

 

Cartoon: Charles Schultz, "Linus and Lucy"

Illustration: Jon Bailiff

The Old Street Sign from Where I used to live

The Perfect Poison Cupcake

 My friends Rose and Ian threw a "forbidden ingredient" dinner party. 

It was a BLAST.

I poured "Death in the Afternoon" Hemingway cocktails with absinthe. Ian made a Scottish stew called "Cullen Skink with Whiskey." Rose got me addicted to her "Caramels with Red Sea Salt."

For dessert, I sunk my teeth into one of April's "Poison Cupcakes." I was flummoxed by the delicious— yet bizarre— taste sensation.

As Chef April told me her recipe, I nearly blew my cupcake out my nose. A Masterpiece of Taboo Culinary Arts! I offer it here, with her kind permission:

Poison Cupcakes

1 recipe for Red Velvet Cupcakes

Rose Syrup

Frosting and Poison Filling:

1 1b. cream cheese, softened

2 sticks of butter, softened

1 tsp. vanilla extract

5 cups powdered sugar

1/2 cup Campari

Black food coloring, ~ 1/3 bottle

Make the red velvet cupcakes according to a recipe that will yield two dozen. A normal cake recipe should suffice.  

Once they have cooled, smear the tops with rose syrup.

Cream the butter and cream cheese together until well-blended.  

Add 4 cups of the powdered sugar and the vanilla extract.  

Set aside some of the frosting for decorating the tops of the cupcakse.  

Add the black food coloring to a portion of the frosting, and set aside enough to frost the tops of the cupcakes. You'll half mostly black and a little white frosting for your design. (See photo above).

Add the Campari and the rest of the powdered sugar to your original butter/cream cheese/sugar mixture.  It will be liquid-y, but add more sugar if it gets too runny.

Spoon the poison filling into a plastic bag fitted with a clean anal douche pipe. (e.g., enema or douche bag).

 

 Use the pipe to inject the cupcakes with the poison filling. (See photo at left).

You make need to poke several holes, but be careful not to fill the new holes too quickly or the frosting may blort out the preexisting ones. 

Once the cupcakes are sufficiently "poisoned," frost and decorate as desired. 

When your guests have complimented your cupcakes, be sure to let them know how they were made. Enjoy the priceless entertainment.


   

Who Dat? My Teeny Tiny Super Bowl Party Recipe Redux

 I know how to make a Super Bowl chili for people who hate chili. 

It's chili for vegetarians that the meat-lovers will demand for seconds. 

Imagine a chili you can make in minutes but will make everything believe you toiled for hours. 

You can cook it as picanté as you like, but I know how to take all the heat out of it, and still make people feel rambunctious. 

And... my guacamole is the best.

These are not idle boasts. 

Here is my recipe, rudely adapted from Molly Katzen's Still Life with Menu, for:

Black Chili with Pineapple Salsa, Susie Guacamole, and Crazy Cuke Sauce: Link.

It's good for any winter day you wanna feel like a winner. 

............... GO SAINTS! And yes, this is my Sunday get-up on the left.