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Food and Drink

April 02, 2008

Paris Kitchenette

Kitchenpotdefeu The best meals I ate in Paris last week— and later, south in the Languedoc region— were the ones I prepared in our own kitchen, and ate at home.

I didn't plan it that way, and it's no criticism of French restaurants, but it was a revelation.

It started because of jet lag. My lover and I were hungry, and awake, when we arrived, late, in the city. We were staying at a friend's apartment who lives around the corner from one of the original cobblestone roads to Rome, Rue Mouffetard, where there are several farmer's market stalls, and plentiful delis, patisserie, and charcuterie shops, who spill their talents onto the street.

You can't walk out the door without being hit with the smells of roast chicken and potatoes, shellfish paella, fresh garlic, ripe cheese, boxes of strawberries from Spain. You're offered wine samples in the street. The Nutella and banana crepes are sizzling on the outdoor burners. The artisan's boutique of olive oils and vinegars beckons, so luxurious in its offerings it makes the wine shop look slack.

It was a fantastic scene, and also very familiar, because Paris's seasonal offerings are just like what we're eating from our farm co-op in California. The tomatoes are from Spain instead of Baja. Everyone on Le Mouffe was loading up for Easter supper, and that felt as cozy to me as any crazed Wednesday at the Santa Cruz Farmer's Market. We have our own olive orchards in Northern California,  so it isn't unusual to me to point and say, "Oh yes, I want to try that one, and that one, and that one," in tiny paper cups.

This isn't the way I grew up shopping and eating... no, my childhood was spent with my Mom, marveling at the frozen food section at the supermarket.  I was as enamored of "TV Dinners" as the next '60s kid parked in front of My Favorite Martian. 

But when the early organic food revolution hit California in the 70s, I was luckily in the geographic center of it. I became an early adopter simply by opening my mouth and  sighing with pleasure. Plus, despite my era-changing background, I  still knew how to use a knife and a iron skillet.

As our week went by in Paris, I saw that the other heavenly thing about home-cooking, was that I could escape my unease and humiliation about how to "act" in a Parisian restaurant.

Maxinestable My French language skills are up to parsing the right words, reading the menu, sounding like an articulate three-year-old. But my physical bumbling in the restaurants— the way I kept inadvertently breaking fashion and decorum rules— embarrassed me so dearly, I was close to tears sometimes. You wouldn't consider me anything other than "well-mannered" if you saw me at an American eatery. But by Parisian standards, I am a total disgrace, and I will never even be able to count, let alone understand, all the ways I "offended."

It was different on the Paris street. At the delis, the cheese and jam shop, the tent with the melons, the shopkeepers were enthusiastic and tolerant; they joked with me. My smiles and enthusiasm and Cowboy Earth Boots were fine. The Euros spilled out. If I came across like Minnie Pearl, it was fine with them!

Back at our apartment with my zucchini, garlic, and Camembert omelet, my butter lettuce salad with raspberries and vinaigre de figue, I could literally put my feet up while I enjoyed our supper. I splattered homemade mayonnaise in a new potato salad and guzzled my Bordeaux. Later at night, I'd wander out in my clogs and umbrella, and flirt with the tart girl, who serves quiches right from her window. I could lick the caramel from the waxed pastry wrapper that enclosed the fruits des noixettes I picked out in the sweet shop— a sticky pie made of five kinds of nuts and syrup. 

I was like a kid at a county fair, my fingers in everything. "Quelle est votre confiture favorite?" I asked the gay cheese boy, pointing at all the fruit jam jars sitting above the creme fraiche pot. He was absolutely set on the Cherry, and showed me the fromage that makes you moan when you slather the two together.

Because I'm so spoiled in Central California, I can't say any of the French veggies or fruits were unusual quality. They were fine. But the bread— The Bread— is on another level of sensation.

Bread is not traditionally put in plastic bags in France. Once a loaf has gone hard from being in the air, it's either "pain perdu" or it's in the trash. No one would dream of freezing it, or making it "last longer" than forty-eight hours.

Because freshness, and everything that goes with a fresh baked piece of bread is so crucial, the French don't bake just once a day, but twice. The evening shopper has as flavorful and crispy a baguette as the one who shops at dawn. Le Pain is baked twice a day to fulfill everyone's expectations.

And the varieties! I can't even tell you all the types I crunched... every boulangerie has their own recipe, their variation on country-style breads, traditionelle, Parisian-style, nouvelle mixes; it's ENDLESS. The terms "white," "wheat," or "rye" have no meaning here, because it's more like three thousand instead of three.

Typical French shoppers go out every day or two. When you go home, you eat at leisure with your family. I can't tell you how amazed I was to spend two and a half hours at a table, again and again, with families which included teenagers enjoying themselves, eating everything, all blabbing at once.

Dinnerpotdefeu I last saw these particular young people when they were toddlers, (I lived in France, in farming country, in the early 90s) so of course, then, our kids were tied to our apron strings. But now they're still at the table! I don't mean to say there's no generation gap— the funniest thing about my travels was listening to French parents rail about the same adolescent outrages that my peers do at home. But the family meal was the place where everyone come together, no matter what.

Americans wouldn't recognize how much time, energy and domestic satisfaction is lavished on food here, as a matter of course. But French culture is in a state of sustained shock that over the pressures applied to them to jump on the global bandwagon of speed-eating and homogenization.

In the States, the slow food movement is galloping; we see a wellspring of sustainable agriculture practices, and desire for all that is fresh and homemade. Of course it hasn't brought Safeway or KFC to its knees, but it's remarkable.

Meanwhile, in France, the most intense gossip I heard when I returned to my old village in Languedoc, concerned the suicides of two local farmers who had lost everything, the French terroir equivalent of a Great Depression. The experience of the European Union, at least among my old neighbors, is one of being culturally robbed and financially bankrupted. I wish I could have understood more in my brief visit, to explain what's going on, but the feeling was unmistakable. The starkness of class divides, and  feeling of ancient traditions in chaos—  I didn't need a translator.

Back to Paris. One day, I'd like to be able to dress, speak, and behave myself well enough to take a seat in the French-Korean restaurant around the corner of Rue Mouffetard, or the interior of Le Chartier, without everyone staring at me like I was Sasquatch. I'd love to pull it off. But in the meantime, I won't be forsaken by the farmers, the bakers and butchers, the sticky jam makers, no matter where I travel. I know what it's like to get my hands dirty. 

Photos: Jon Bailiff

November 19, 2007

Little Susie Homebreaker

Double_life In a great gust of energy last weekend, I started a new blog. It's called Little Susie Homebreaker. I was taunted with that nickname back in the day, but I'm quite fond of it now!

I love cooking and eating, and thinking about cooking and eating. And when I'm not waving a sharp knife in the air, I sew and stitch with every escapist minute I can get. I'm a proud member of the Ladies Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society.

I've always wanted a blog that I could dedicate to my "leisure hours," and this is my first effort. It has all the domestic devilry I've run in this journal, but also my early stories for Craft magazine, and some of my pattern reviews and food writing that hasn't appeared anywhere else.

I'll still write about my little pleasures here, on occasion— but if I want to write for seven days in a row about graffiti embroidery or pumpkin cheesecake maneuvers, I will let it all hang out at Homebreaker.

If crafty bitchery or foodie obsessions are your bag, please check it out and tell me what you think!

July 27, 2007

Cream of Whatever— I'll Take Seconds!

Potatoeaters I recently attended a potluck picnic of slow food gourmets and wine snobs.

We gathered around one particular potato dish which was causing a sensation, licking our fingertips and screaming for more.

When pressed for the recipe, the woman who brought the casserole burst into blushing tears. She begged our forgiveness, and then told us the secret of Mother-In-Law Potatoes:


Mother-In-Law Spuds

1 32-oz. package of Ore-Ida Frozen hash browns (Don't defrost them!)

1 c. cheddar cheese

1 c. jack cheese

1 stick butter, melted

1 carton sour cream

1 can cream-of-whatever soup
(Campbell's cream of chicken, mushroom, celery, etc.)

1 bag of potato chips


Place the frozen potatoes in a 9 x 13 baking pan. You can break it up, but don't defrost!

Put all the other ingredients in a bowl, except the chips, and mix them up. Pour and slather the mixture on top of the hash browns.

Crumble about two cups of chips on top.

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 15 min.

It's soooooo yummy. And I'm sure we could figure out a "slow" alternative if we wanted to!

What's your favorite irresistible dairy/potato confection?


The Potato-Eaters, Van Gogh, Nuenen, April 1885

June 28, 2007

Spoiled: The Dream Birthday Picnic

Picnic222 Today is my daughter Aretha's 17th birthday, and I offered to make a "dream picnic" for her. This is the menu she submitted to me:

Mommy's Breaded Chicken (obviously!) — don't be shy with the salt

Light fluffy GOOD bread to eat chicken with and clam chowder bowls

Cucumbers (lightly salted)

BIG array of fruit that won't wilt in picnic basket

Strawberries a must!

whip cream (for strawberries)
chocolate sauce (for strawberries)

macaroni and cheese (your homemade, the kind with breadcrumbs)

BABY vanilla yogurts from TJ's

Clam Chowder, NOT homemade, from Carniglia's at the wharf— you will be hurt if I don't like yours (I meant this sensitively, not as a threat)

pepper
salt

german chocolate birthday cake with a big 1 and a big 7, not seventeen candles!

pretty white & red checkered picnic blanket (do not want dog's blanket)

my rubber baby spoon

watermelon (seedless and not mealy)

butter
iceberg lettuce
mayo



Isn't that the most "sensitive" list you ever read?

So what is your dream picnic basket? And who, if anyone, in your family/tribe would be the one to spoil you and make the whole damn thing? ...Or is KFC your momma? 

May 30, 2007

The Toasted Marshmallow Electric Milkshake Goodness Test

Soda220050801074223 Last night I had a toasted marshmallow milkshake.

It was so heaven-gobsmacked-delicious I hardly know how to reconstruct the recipe. Is there anyplace else besides New York that has this on the menu?

It was served at a upwardly mobile burger joint called Stand, which my friend Laura Miller introduced me to.

She said there was no point in even considering another flavor, although there were many. Not only is the ice-cream itself potent with the nostalgic taste of a six-year-old's first bite of a burnt 'mallow— but the shake itself is topped with real whipped cream and a CROWN of actual torched marshmallows melting hot on the ice cold glass. Sweet Jesus!

April 27, 2007

Eat Me Now Ask Me How

Chocolatekamasutra I've rarely felt so aroused and hungry at the same time.

You can see all the positions of yumminess at a site created by ardent, philosphical, drug-geek hedonists. What lovely people.

However, they give no clue who the artist is.

Apparently, you can buy the eight-bar set at a snooty chocolate web boutique, although they warn you:

Although tastefully done, the illustrations on these bars are quite graphic and adventurous in nature, including nudity, and are not for everybody.

Well, I wouldn't want anything less!


thanks to monsieur brown for the tip.

March 15, 2007

Willow's Perfect Scones

Scones I got up this morning and decided to bake something, something that would give me zest for life.

I found myself reaching for Willow's Perfect Scone recipe.

I get excited by the classic English scone— the tender one that teases you where the butter crumbles in the flake, the one that's just a little sweet— to get your attention— and makes you groan for lemon curd. Yeah, those scones. Not the hockey pucks.

Before I met Willow, I had no idea scones were so easy to make. People have been fooled by scone mixes and Starbucks-society to think they're not a simple home-cooked treat. Not true! The key is buttermilk. For lack of buttermilk, many cooks cave in and make waffles instead. 

The great thing about buttermilk is once you buy that bright yellow quart, you can leave it in the fridge for a lonnnnng time. It's not like regular milk, it's already sour. Just pick up a bottle next time you're at the grocery store without planning anything in particular. Or get the powder, if you're cautious.

Now you're ready to unleash the buttermilk fiend at any time: fried chicken that makes grown men sob, blowing your afore-mentioned waffles' minds, dressing up salads or anything spicy, and of course, making the unforgettable scone.


Willow’s Perfect Scones

Zest, 1 orange
3 - 4 T. orange juice
½ c. golden raisins
1 ½ c. flour
¼ cup sugar
1 t. baking powder
½ t. soda
½ t. salt
1 stick of butter
1 ¼ c. oats (rolled oats, the kind you cook in five minutes)
½ c. buttermilk

Preheat oven to 400.

Steep orange zest in buttermilk.

Soak raisins in orange juice.

Whisk together dry ingredients. If you want to  go hog wild, shave in some dark chocolate

Cut in the butter with a fork.

You can cheat at cutting in butter, like I do: measure the dry ingredients right into a food processor bowl. Cut the butter into tablespoon-hunks into the bowl, as well. Pulse it for six or seven full seconds. The mixture should be uneven—  most of it like sand, but with random pea-sized butter globs. Transfer into a regular mixing bowl.

Mix in raisins, juice, and oats into butter/flour mix.

Stir in buttermilk.

Turn out and knead gently a couple times. Do not stress over this. Just get it into shape and fold it over and under 2 - 4 times. Don't overhandle it, or the heat of your hands will melt all those very important butter globs.

Shape into disk, about ½ inch high, and cut into “pie” slices.

Place on baking pan. I am in love with those silicon mats.

Glaze slices with milk and egg yolk mixture. You can use a pastry brush (I'm crazy about my new silicone brush), or your fingertips.

You can also sprinkle with sugar, if you like.

Bake 20 minutes.


Willow is my Santa Cruz friend, and an amazing cook. This recipe is dedicated to Annalee Newitz, who I'm sure is grabbing her apron strings right now.
 

February 06, 2007

My Teeny Tiny Tasty Super Bowl Party

2032rex If you were surprised by the big TV ratings for past Sunday's Super Bowl game, let me introduce you to one of the surprising fans: me. I barely know the rules of the game, but I am a total sucker for anything political, poignant, or scandalous about big league sports.

This game had it all. Black head coaches, one mentor, one protegee. Of course they weren't make a big deal of it, but it was a big deal. The linguistics alone were worth following.

Then we had a dude named Tank who got to play with a special court order cause he can't stop stocking weapons of mass destruction in his apartment. Plus everyone's still talking about how the  NFL essentially uses their players to be concussion dolls until they turn into brain-deformed "retirees" who off themselves rather than endure life in a deranged stupor.

Finally, there was Chicago itself. I was rooting for the Bears, as I will root for any team that hasn't had a win in decades. As I explained to my daughter, when the 49ers first won in the 80s, San Francisco exploded into a lubricated sea of love. I've never seen anything like it again until  Gavin Newsom rang the bells for gay marriage on Valentines Day.

The day Dwight Caught Joe, that very moment, I was sitting in a flat on Potrero Hill, the bedrock of the city, and you could hear a roar that came up from Market Street on one side and Hunter's Point on the other. It shook the window glass.

I walked out into the street, and it was as if EVERYONE walked out on cue. You could kiss ANYONE. I got on the MUNI bus just to ride the hottest parties. You heard about how the whole nation of Denmark is on a permanent high because of a big game they finally won fifteen years ago? Such is the disposition of the underdog who finally gets a break.

I don't have cable service, or even a television in the house, but we remembered we had a miniature set in the garage, so we dragged it out of hibernation. We biked to Radio Shack to pick up an eight dollar antenna.

Thank god for the Salinas CBS signal, one of the few stations we could receive. If you're a native English speaker, you're presumed to have cable. But if Spanish is your first language, all the Telemundo-style stations are beaming loud and clear with nothing but a VHF bunny ears propped on the table.

I find that if you haven't watched TV with your lover in a long time, it's... sexy. Surreal. We had to sit in each other's laps to view the tiny screen. Super Bowl Sex was in the air. We practiced our wardrobe malfunctions.

When it comes to anything happening on the field, I'm a screamer. "Shut him the fuck down!" I kept wailing at the Bears defense. I could sack Peyton Manning with the side of my clit; what was their excuse?

L_707f76ccd733e2ef21b413685c91f9ba Then we had the Bears QB problem child, Rex Grossman. I knew the local press had picked him apart like dime bag, but I was wiling to give him a fair shake. Until that moment, in the second half, when he was sacked twice in— what was it?— two minutes? Throwing passes up in the sky like it was Balloon Day at the Big Game?

The camera showed us a close-up of Rex walking back to the sidelines, and holy shit—  "He's got a pouty face!"  I screamed that too. Biggest professional day of his life, and he's sulking. My heart sank.

Back in the holy days, when the 49ers were losing, but still had six minutes left, you would raise your glass and sigh, "Oh darling, let's ENJOY Joe Montana scoring two touchdowns now, shall we? Let's go for a little drive! —All the time in the world!"

0204_priest This, however, was your garden-variety soaking. I started using my laptop to tune into Indianapolis live barroom coverage so I could at least enjoy  the sounds of the Rock Bottom getting their binky on. Even the priests were sashaying in Colts vestments.

One question though: Peyton Manning is obviously talented and conventionally good-looking, but he has zero sex appeal. What is the problem? This whole Bowl was short on that kind of charisma; I had to provide all the tingles myself.

The special note to my teeny tiny Super Bowl party was the food.

I know how to make a chili for people who hate chili. —A chili for vegetarians that the meat-lovers will demand for seconds. —A chili you can make in minutes but will make everything believe you toiled for hours. You can cook it as picanté as you like, but I know how to take all the heat out of it, and still make people feel rambunctious. And... my guacamole is the best.

Jalapenomed_1 These are not idle boasts. Here is my recipe, rudely adapted from Molly Katzen's Still Life with Menu, for Black Chili with Pineapple Salsa, Susie Guacamole, and Crazy Cuke Sauce: Link.

It's good for any winter day you wanna feel like a winner!

December 30, 2006

The Top Ten Stories of Susie's Year

02twain2 Lies, damned lies, and statistics. But I do love them so!

I was fascinated to learn from my stats provider, BlogLog, about the most popular stories published here at my humble journal.

My hottest links are  skewed toward the end of the year, because my blog readership has tripled this fall.

Why? I'm a poster girl for the natural curve of blogging— if you keep at it (two years being a turning point) and you post daily, the worm turns.


1.  That's Right, You're Not From Texas, Sodomy Loves You Anyway

What's not to like? Molly Ivins in prime form, dildo details you never dreamed of, and the Texas State Legislature in a rare form that would take Mark Twain's breath away.


2.  My Cartoon Blow-out

I thought I was being a sentimental, self-indulgent diaper-baby to post all my nostalgic cartoon favorites, but apparently a lot of us are sucking on the same tit! This link was also wildly promoted by the new browsing tool, Stumbleupon, which I had never heard of 'til I wrote this!


3.  Penthouse Letters Are Real, Grand Theft Auto is Not, and St. Louis, I Do Mind Dying

This is one of the best-written stories I ever posted, and I'd like to think it was my skill and poetry that shot it to #3.  However, it's more likely a hit because I interviewed the woman, Lavada Nahan, who worked for Penthouse for more than a decade and was shut in a room with one million unopened sex letters and told to spin them into gold!


4.  The Best Spaghetti You Ever Had

This just goes to prove that sex bloggers and their readers are the biggest food sluts you ever met.


5.  Sneak Preview of Best American Erotica 2007: The Lolita Backlash

Well, wait 'til you read the whole thing! I look forward to interviewing many of the authors in the coming months.


6.  Four Things You May Not Know About Me

Okay, here's a fifth thing: When my alarm clock goes off in the morning, this is what I hear: Carolan's Welcome. I got this album from the musician himself, James Kline, busking in front of the San Francisco Farmer's Market, and my lover recognized him from playing on the streets of Sienna!— years earlier! I'd love to see him again and kiss his feet.


7.  Esther Perel Musses the Marriage Bed

This is one of the best interviews I've ever done for In Bed, thanks to Esther's tour de force extemporaneous analysis of why married people stop fucking and then don't understand why.  The whole interview is posted for you to listen to.


8.  Egg Sex

My story of my sex life— physical, emotional, political— during pregnancy and childbirth is one of the most popular stories I ever published, long before blogging. I'm eggstatic it found a new audience here.


9.  BlogHer Sex Survey Results

The square business press portrayed the first woman's blogger conference as either a bunch of hard-bitch geeks, or "really nice pretty girls that you don't have to be scared to talk to!"  Yawn. I found it to be the coolest pool party and hands-on change-the-world party I'd been to in a long time. And of course I had to give a sex survey...


10.  The League of Amazing Latkes

I want some more right NOW.


My potato pancake recipe was followed in popularity by a blistering polemic by Dan Savage, my G-Spot Fraud Detection Squad, and the index of all my posts on photography.

I happen to think my photographic art babble is right up there with Susan "Dyke" Sontag on Hash, but to my dismay, I think my link gets mega-hits because there's some nekkid people in the illustrations.  It's a huge hit in the United Arab Emigrates, surpassed only by Kansas.


Thanks again to Steve Ho for the stats that made my head spin. Tomorrow, I'll post the top ten places you all came from! Glorious illustration of Mark Twain by Ralph Steadman.

December 23, 2006

The League of Amazing Latkes

Wwwvalgiai

I dream about potato pancakes. There aren't enough Hanukkah parties to sate my appetite; I always want more.

I used to cry like a spoiled brat because even though I have the perfect recipe— and I do mean "the best latke you've ever tasted"— my routine took a couple hours of numbing handwork to prepare, and ruined any possibility of a quick fix.

I don't like squeezing water out of potato gratings in cheesecloth scraps until my arms fall off. I don't care to spend all day grating a mountain of potatoes plus part of my knuckles. Yet nothing but my own recipe satisfies me.

It turns out that immediate gratification IS possible with the right equipment. It took me twenty years to realize this, but no one should suffer as long as I did. The tools are everything in this recipe. There are no substitutions!


Susie's Perfect Latkes On Demand

2 1/2 - 3 cups grated potatoes, grated in a Cuisinart

1 onion— the size of a tennis ball, grated in a Cuisinart

2 large eggs

3 tablespoons fine matzo meal crumbs from the box— no other crumb will do!

2 T. sea salt

Lots of black pepper

2 T. butter

2 T. canola or safflower oil

Sour Cream

Applesauce

Preheat your oven to 250 degrees— you won't be baking, but you need a warm place to store your piles of fresh-cooked latkes. You'd like to think you could cram them all in your mouth at once, but be realistic— you need a spot to keep them hot.

Grate your potatoes (any kind as long as they're fresh) using the standard grater attachment in the classic seven-cup Cuisinart food processor— the greatest kitchen aid since a sharp knife. I've had mine for twenty years and it works as well today as it did the first second I turned it on. Your potato grating will take all of five minutes. I can hear my grandmother weeping.

Grate the onion the same way and put it aside in a mixing bowl.

B00004ocjq01_aa280_sclzzzzzzz_The key to tasty latkes is to get the water out of the potatoes before you fry them in hot oil. But the potatoes don't want to give up their water. How to do you squeeze them efficiently without exhausting yourself? The answer is an old-fashioned potato ricer.

Put a handful of the sopping potato gratings in the ricer's mouth. Press the handles together, and all the water is expressed through the sieve side. What's even better is that you don't have to use two hands. You leverage one arm of the ricer against the other by propping it over the sink-top and pressing down. You only do it once— there's no extra effort required. Your second five minutes is now over.

Now mix all the ingredients in your bowl. Don't try to reinvent the cracker crumb with your rolling pin. What you want is in a inexpensive box of prepared-food luxury that will last you all year: unsalted matzo meal. It's exactly the right size of crumb, and the ideal flavor.

Any kind of salt will do; I like sea salt. Shake your pepper shaker like the Duchess's mad cook. I suppose a tablespoon is the right amount.

Melt 2 T. butter and 2 T. canola or safflower oil in a seasoned cast iron skillet.

Don't even THINK about using another kind of pan; your latkes will suffer for it.

Another caution: don't be tempted to use olive oil, because it will leave too much of a flavor for our purposes. And never leave out the butter. This is the full-cardio latke and there's no messing around!

Over medium-hot flame, there should be a quarter-inch or so of melted hot oil in your pan.

Ladle in a heaping tablespoon of the latke batter and flatten it with the back of your spatula.

It will fry quickly and you'll see it browning through the other side. The smell will make your mouth water.

Turn them over for another minute, then take them out and put them on a plate laid with a paper towel.

Stick them in the oven to keep warm while you dash off the rest of the latkes. Of course, you could eat them right out of the pan, but that could incite a riot if you're making a batch for everyone. Just keep adding the hot latkes to your hot platter, layered with paper towels to blot a bit of the buttery residue.

Serve with sour cream and applesauce. Cry freely, because they taste so good and you barely broke a sweat.

Potato pancakes are a controversial dish because of family tradition... everyone longs for their childhood memory. My recipe may not bring your great-grandmother to life, but I dare say you'll look upon me as a favorite aunt.

Last year at Xmas, I gave my notorious homemade eggnog recipe, and it is, to this day, one of the most popular links on this site. No wonder this place isn't workplace safe— the gluttony and pleasure-seeking never cease!

October 25, 2006

Turkey Stuffed with Leaks and Donuts

Walterscheib_headshot This is rich.

Remember Walter Scheib, the brilliant chef who was fired by Laura Bush’s East Wing for using traitorous French cooking techniques? — You know, like sauteing. W. hates “green food” and “wet fish,” and Scheib must have suffered under such constraints. Now he's serving his revenge— blazing hot.

Walter has just written a tell-all recipe book, White House Chef, which he's dedicated to Hillary Clinton— Quelle Surprise d'Octobre!

The Times has the whole story. For extra crumbly-Oreo satire on the same, read The Swift Report. It's more damning than not finding WMD in Iraq... it's finding out the Leaders of the Free World have No Fucking Taste Whatsoever. And critics like these fourth-estate slow-food bitches are never going to let them forget it!

Let me whet your appetite:

Scheib was a cooking diva, the fair-haired boy at the top of his class at the Culinary Institute of America. He worked his way up through the finest hotels and resorts in the country, a wunderkind, before Hillary Clinton summoned him to the White House.

Scheib was thrilled to discover his new mission. Unlike the dull reputation of many First Family kitchens, Hillary encouraged him to go wild with “what’s best about American food, wine, and entertaining.”

Of course he cooked comfort food for the Clintons, and I’m sure Bill got his share of grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches. But for public affairs, Scheib indulged his every nouvelle inspiration. He remained in the kitchen when the Bush family moved in, and made his quiet, pained adjustments.

But at last came the Cheney merengue.

Lynne Cheney, it seems, had a social secretary named Lea Berman who had no qualification for anything other than that her husband was a sugar lobbyist who gave beau-coup dough to the Bushies.

Berman was promoted in Bush's second term to run the First Lady's social affairs, and she was a real piece of trans-fat. She insisted Scheib create an inaugural dinner menu that paid honor to the corporate brand names of a dozen top GOP donors— like Dunkin' Donuts and Coca Cola. She'd tear out pages from Martha Stewart Living for Walter and tell him to make lunch look "just like the picture.” Whenever she saw anything on Scheib’s menus that offended her, like hummus spread, she would write “yuk!” in the margins.

Wouldn't you just love to see her trussed up in one of the pots in Muki’s Kitchen?

I can't wait to read Walter's entire recipe file. Damning with faint praise is nothing compared to being cursed with Kraft Singles!

After Scheib left the White House, an East Wing leak told The Wall Street Journal that the chef had been fired because he showed “a level of arrogance” in preparing scallops for the First Family even though the president detested them. Scheib protested: “If we had been told not to serve scallops, we wouldn’t serve them.”

But what did Walter do next? He offered one of his top secret recipes to listeners on NPR radio: "Seared Scallops in the Manner of An Old Friend." Gee, I wonder who that is?

The shellfish sound delicious, but I pine for the Inaugural Stuffed Turkey With Donuts recipe that Deanna Swift provides! I'm sure Dick Cheney can still feel the sharp pains in his upper left quadrant from that occasion.

Coca-Cola Brined Pilgrim's Pride Turkey with Dunkin’ Donuts Old-Fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

Coca-Cola Brine

1 1/4 cups salt
1 quart Coca-Cola
2 bay leaves
1 medium onion, peeled and halved
2 cloves
1 10- to 12-pound Pilgrim's Pride Whole Butter Basted Turkey

1. Place salt and Coca-Cola in a large deep pot and whisk until salt crystals dissolve. Whisk in 4 quarts cold water. Pin bay leaves to onion halves with cloves and add them to brine. Let mixture cool to room temperature.

2. Add Pilgrim's Pride turkey, placing a large heavy pot or sealed zip-top bag filled with cold water on top to keep bird submerged in Coca-Cola. Place pot in refrigerator and marinate overnight.

Dunkin Donuts Old-fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

6 cups Dunkin Donuts old-fashioned cake doughnuts, chopped
2 cups diced onion
1/2 cup butter
2 cups cranberries
2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 tablespoon dried sage
1 cup chicken broth

Cook onion in butter or margarine over low heat until soft. Add
doughnuts, cranberries, rosemary and sage, chicken broth,
salt and pepper to taste. Mix gently but thoroughly.

Roast Turkey

Remove Pilgrim's Pride turkey from Coca-Cola brine.

Thoroughly rinse turkey under a slow stream of cool water, rubbing gently to release salt and soda residue, both inside and out. Pat skin and both interior cavities dry. Remove neck and giblets. Begin lightly spooning doughnut stuffing into the neck cavity, then into the body cavity. After the bird has been stuffed, secure the legs to the tail. If the band of skin is not present, tie the legs securely to the tail with string. Twist the wing tips under the back of the turkey so they won't overcook.

Roast turkey, breast side down, in a preheated 325 degree oven for 2 hours. During this time, baste legs and back twice with Coca-Cola.


Dig in, everyone!

September 22, 2006

Eat Your Spinach, Honey

2002andygriffin I belong to a C.S.A. called Two Small Farms. Every week, my family and a few hundred others share in the bounty of a couple of local organic farmers.

We pay a small sum to eat the best the California harvest has to offer, and I've never chowed down so well in my life. Yesterday, my weekly "box" arrived with tomatoes, garlic, sweet peppers, little gem lettuce, Carnival winter squash, artichokes, strawberries, and.... SPINACH. Lots of beautiful, Popye-lovin' green leaves.

I live in Santa Cruz county, the heart of California organic farming, and many of my friends and neighbors have been affected by the recent e-coli spinach scandal. Much of what you have heard from the FDA, and  the media, is unwashed bullshit, to put a bacterial spin on it.

I asked one of our farmers, Andy Griffin from Mariquita Farms, if I could reprint his story here about what is really going on in Spinach-Land:

Deborah Schot, a reporter from the L.A. Times, called me to ask for an opinion about the e-coli outbreak in prepackaged fresh spinach that has killed one person and sickened hundreds more.

And yes, I have an opinion. I think the F.D.A. employee that I heard on the radio yesterday urging people to play it safe and not eat fresh spinach is ignorant.

Although the victims got sick by eating spinach from a sealed bag it’s wrong to seize on spinach as the culprit in the controversy; it makes more sense to look at the processing and handling of pre-packaged greens in general.

Put another way, it’s the harvest procedures that were followed, the pre-washed claim made for the greens, and the bagged environment the greens are in that are the relevant issues, not the specific variety of leafy greens that were actually contaminated at some point during the harvest and post harvest handling. By fingering any spinach as suspicious, even bunched fresh spinach, the F.D.A. isn’t educating anyone, or solving the problem. They’re just spreading fear on a national scale.

The L.A. Times called me because I’m a farmer and I’m quick with a sound bite, but also because I have a background in the baby spinach and salad business. Back in the dark ages when I started farming organically people bought their spinach in bunches and their salad as heads of lettuce. My first career in farming was in the production of the then new baby salad greens and baby spinach. We harvested the crops by hand, washed them, and packed them loose in unsealed bags.

In 1996 my partners and I sold our company, Riverside Farms, to the company that became Natural Selections, which happens to be the company at the heart of the current controversy. Their packing plant was once the packing plant for our farm, though it was a lot smaller and less sophisticated back then. Our former label, Riverside Farms, was one of the labels pulled from the shelves this week. Ready Pac and Earthbound Farms, two of the other labels pulled, were labels that I once grew and harvested raw products for so, for me, this bad news has a personal angle.

When we harvested baby greens by hand at Riverside Farms the workers dipped their knives periodically in buckets of antiseptic solution to clean them. We were unsophisticated then, compared to the way the industry is today, but we knew that any bacteria on the knife could contaminate the wound in the leaf where it was severed from the plant at the moment of harvest.

We also knew that baby salad greens that were harvested by dirty knives were far more likely to break down quickly in the cooler, even after being washed, because the wash process, no matter how good, can’t really remove bacteria that has been introduced into the leaf by a dirty blade.

Riverside Farms had a state of the art wash line for 1995. but we went the way of the dinosaurs in part because we couldn’t afford to pay the escalating labor costs of a unionized crew of hundreds of salad cutters when our competitors were going to be harvesting tons of product cheaply with machines. Not long after we went out of business harvesting machines became the industry standard.

All in all, an argument can probably be made that the big harvest machines probably cut the product even cleaner than individual workers can, especially if some individual harvester is sloppy and careless. But, by the same token, if the cutting blade on a harvesting machine isn’t properly cleaned tons and tons of product can be contaminated by a filthy blade during the course of the day—not just tons and tons of baby spinach, but tons and tons of ANY PARTICULAR LEAFY GREEN VEGETABLE, ORGANIC, CONVENTIONAL, OR OTHERWISE, that is being harvested.

Let’s say some contaminated product makes it out of the field into the shed. The equipment in the large salad plant wash-line is all stainless steel, and the wash water that has been chlorinated to reduce bacteria levels. If the factory puts so much chlorine in the water that even potential bacteria pockets in the damaged tissue along the cuts of the leaves is killed the “fresh” salad greens will have been chemically contaminated into a swampy mess that smells like a municipal swimming pool.

(When I smell the odor of ammonia that comes out of the sealed bags of those nasty little carrot plugs that are so popular I want to gag. When the day comes that someone gets sick from eating them and the F.D.A. tells people not to eat any carrots I’m going to sue! Think of all the bunched spinach growers losing their shirts because some fool at the F.D.A. doesn’t distinguish between packaged spinach that’s “conveniently” been “pre-washed,” and a bunch of spinach that needs to be cut from the stems and cleaned in the sink before being eaten.)

If the wash line procedures manage to kill 99.9% of all the offending bacteria, there is still a real problem due to the tons and tons of greens being processed over a short period of time. Inevitably, a significant amount of contaminated product could go out to consumers.

A psychologist might be able to do a better job than I in telling you why so many people feel comforted when they see their food coming to them in sterile looking sealed plastic bags covered in corporate logos, nutritional information, legal disclaimers and “use by” dates.

“It’s convenient,” they say. It is true that the open piles of washed baby greens that were once the norm in supermarkets and farmers markets were vulnerable to post harvest/ post wash contamination. Those sneeze guards over the pizza parlor salad bar aren’t there for nothing.

But I’ll tell you that every sealed bag of pre-washed greens is like a little green house. The greens inside are still alive, as are the bacteria living on them. If the produce in the bag is clean, great, but if it isn’t the bacteria present has a wonderful little sealed environment to reproduce in, free from any threat until the dressing splashes down and the shadow of a fork passes over. Frankly, I think convenience is overrated.

When my partners and I sold our salad washing company we sold the assets, the equipment, the leases, the receivables etc. but we also sold the right to compete. For five years I was contractually obliged to seek a way in agriculture that didn’t have anything to do with my previous experience in baby salad greens.

I wasn’t sad to leave the big farm and the salad factory behind. Those years were fascinating for me, but stressful, and the more sophisticated everything became the more alienated I felt. I was out of my league. I turned to farmers markets and then, when that way of business didn’t prove to be sustainable Julia and I turned to the C.S.A. format, later joining forces with Stephen and Jeanne at Higher Ground Organics.

Maybe giving people a mixed box of seasonal vegetables that they have to wash and prepare isn’t “convenient,” the way shipping thousands of cookie cutter boxes of salad out of a factory door is. And maybe it isn’t “convenient” for our supporters to have to wash their carrots or trim the coarse stems off their chard. But that’s cooking, and cooking is a happy, healthy, balanced and therapeutic chore.

I will be curious to follow the news and see what the inspectors discover in their search. If it turns out that I’m wrong, and it was the spinach that was what gave shelter and sustenance to the e-coli—and the problem is not due to a slip-up in harvest or post harvest sanitary procedures on the factory farms— I’ll be the first to admit to ignorance.

But for now I’m going to call my seed dealer and order some spinach seed; it’s probably on special today, and it grows well in Hollister in the fall.


copyright 2006 Andy Griffin

August 08, 2006

The New SusieTini

Precode6 In our Let's Get Drunk and Screw Department:

Last weekend at BlogHer, I was offered copious Lemon Drops.

I said no. I said, "I have HAD IT with candy-cocktails."

I eschew the umbrella, I spit in your grenadine. The Lolly-i-lization of the Happy Hour has reached its nadir.

I know I've been part of the problem. I was once someone who perfected the Chocolatini. Ask my friend Helen if she still isn't raving about my perfectly-dusted cocoa martinis. 

To wit:

Sift equal parts cocoa and powered sugar onto a glass plate.

Wet and swirl the rims of chilled martini glasses into your soft cocoa mountain.

Fill your cocktail shaker halfway with crushed ice. Pour in one shot Stoli Vanille, and one shot clear Creme de Cacao. Shake and pour into the waiting glasses.

Do not even think of substitutions.

But I'm over my cocoa-puff phase now. I'm sick of sweet. Instead, I've been converted to a new drink inspired by a local organic-botanicals gin mill (you read that right) called Sarticious.

Before I showed up at their stlll and pool room, I didn't even know that gin is flavored with juniper berries, orange, or cilantro. This liquid is so exquisite you wouldn't dream of insulting it with tonic.

Now for some guests, I'd just offer a pigfoot and a straight Sarticious shot,  but I have devised a slightly tempered cocktail that I intend to impress upon Helen the next time she comes over.

Chill glass
One shot of Sarticious
Splash soda
Twist of Lime

Now take that sucker out of your mouth and try it!


Tallulah Bankhead in Faithless.

December 15, 2005

Eggnog to Die For

Nogeggs Homemade Eggnog. The very words incite delirium.

I only make eggnog once a year, for a big party at Yuletide. The word orgy comes to mind. I've never seen so many people's eyes roll back in their heads, simultaneously.

You want the recipe? You shall have it. It's not hard, just a bit time-consuming. You have to break a lot of eggs. And you will be spoiled. That supermarket eggnog is going to taste like Elmer's Glue after this.

My recipe is adapted from the first cookbook I ever bought with my own money when I was 16: The Vegetarian Epicure, by Anna Thomas. I have  learned more from this book about food and cooking than any other; it was my kitchen teacher... still is, actually. Before I die, I want to make every recipe in it.  More about Anna Thomas after the recipe!


Eggnog

Ingredients:

12 eggs, separated
1 1/2 c. powdered sugar
1 qt. milk     (regular, not lowfat or nonfat! preferably organic!)
1 c. cognac (optional)
1 c. dark rum (optional)
1 large orange
1 lemon
1 quart whipping cream
grated nutmeg

Special Things Needed:

a very sharp butcher knife
electric mixer
grater
potato peeler
extra eggs in case you screw up the separations (easy to do)
two big bowls to make it with
one nice bowl to serve it in, and a ladle

VegepiMethod:
Beat the egg yolks and sugar until thick, then stir in the milk, cognac, and rum.

Beat the egg whites until they just hold a peak, and then fold them in. Put this mixture away to chill for at least 3 hours. (Overnight is fine, just put plastic wrap over bowl).

Use a potato peeler to peel the very outside of the orange skin, so you have barely any white pulp on the back of the skin. You just want the pure orange rind. Cut this skin into matchsticks, as thin as possible and about 1 1/2 inches long. Yes, you need a sharp knife for this.

Grate the fresh lemon rind.

Whip the cream until it only just begins to thicken, not so much that it actually holds peaks. Stir his half-whipped cream into the mil and egg mixture, and beat a few more strokes with the whisk. Stir in the lemon rind and half the orange matchsticks.

Pour the eggnog into a serving bowl. Over the top of it, sprinkle the remaining orange rind and plenty of grated nutmeg.

Serves 25 reasonable people, but only a dozen or so fanatics.

If you make it "virgin," it's easy to offer your guests liquor to add separately, just let them pour and stir.

AnnathomasAnna Thomas was the author who brought "health food" into the gourmet realm. Her book came out before "Chez Panisse," before nouvelle cuisine was part of our vocabulary. And yet her recipes and philosophy were at the beginning of the whole movement.

The book was published in 1970, and in this author's bio that touches me so, it says: "Anna Thomas... is strongly committed to the women's liberation movement..."

The book combines the techniques of French cooking with the organics of American heritage. This book taught me, as a teenager, how to make a "roux," how to bake bread, make  a crépe, a curry, and the best soups I've ever tasted. If it had been difficult to understand, I never would have attempted it at the time! She makes very nuanced techniques seem graceful to accomplish.

It only occurred to me rather late that it was all indeed "vegetarian." You don't notice it, if you're not thinking about it. This is an excellent book to move into a carnivore's home— they'll never know what hit them.

Thomas also published two sequels, The Vegetarian Epicure Book Two, and The New Vegetarian Epicure— which are excellent as well. I have them all. But I am stubbornly hung up on her first one. I bought a second one after I scorched the first!

 

November 23, 2005

Butterball Baby

BunnyWhy do we only eat stuffing once a year? Everyone says it's their favorite part of Thanksgiving, and yet we starve ourselves.

It's bread pudding, and that gives you a clue right there. I love bread. I love pudding. Pour on the butter and let's have a party.

I make two stuffings, one traditional and one for the vegetarians, although that's a bit of a joke because the carnivores eat all the veggie dressing too.

I used to buy loaves of bread and dry them out before cutting them into cubes by hand, but I decided that is not where the labor-intensive hours count. Instead, I support buying unseasoned bread crumbs ahead of time. The key is UNseasoned. Seasoning is an area where you can make your homemade stuffing shine.

Buy fresh herbs. Actually, if you live near me, come over and get some for free, because I have enough parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme to sink a dingy off of  Plymouth Rock.

Just cooking up  fresh herbs in butter and garlic is enough to set the whole day right. Saute them with your onion, your celery, and if you want my other secret, diced fennel bulb. YUM. You can even skip the celery entirely if you want.

My famous star of the stuffing comes next:  I chop up oysters and saute them... more butter, please!  I love the taste of shellfish in poultry dressing. Of course you have the sizzling ground sausage mixed in there as  as well... pork, shellfish, and turkey flavors cannot be beat!  Sometimes I add baby shrimp, too.

I'm big on nutmeats. Pecans. I have a Cajun feel for stuffing. If I could come up with 'gator meat to throw in, I bet it would be heaven.  Brazil nuts, or pine nuts work alright too, but remember this is NOT a candy bar. Peanuts and almonds are not your friend in the stuffing department.

I like raisins. I like capers. I like to throw everything in but the kitchen sink as long as I think it will harmonize.

I always buy a separate package of giblets and livers to cook, just for the stuffing. You can't get enough of that stoned turkey flavor.

I learned a great lesson from a Cauldron cooking class I took at Mariquita Farm:  the most flavorful part of any bird comes from the gelatinous body parts. That's why chicken feet are the quintessential flavor orgasm of any hen. More than anything you can do to enhance your chicken stock, it's the feet that make it POP.

During class, we cooked in an enormous witch-size iron cauldron, so I cleaned about 100 chicken feet. Nasty things they are, especially for a sheltered city girl like me!  They made me think, "so this is what dinosaur toes must have looked like."

But the flavor of the broth was off the hook. I don't blame you if you use canned broth, but if you're determined to make homemade stock, get some of those feet from the butcher. Just a handful will make you a shaman in the kitchen.

What do you like in your stuffing? Are you a purist, or surrealist when it comes to additions?

I hope you are taking a slow weekend with family and friends, whether you're munching on bird or Sushi or Cadbury bars! I'm very thankful for all your support and good words this year, and I look forward to more of the same!

Some mad satire for you:

"Pardoned Turkey" to be He Held at Guantanamo

Scenes from a Bush Thanksgiving

October 29, 2005

Taffy Pull!

I'm going to pull taffy this Halloween. I've invited some crazy cooks over to help me... apparently you have to pull, pull, and pull— until you collapse— that's when you know it's ready.

The taffy link I've posted is from the wonderful Exploratorium in San Francisco, a "kids" science museum that adults go crazy over. It's actually called "a museum of art, science, and human perception." Yes!

We're throwing a candy-making cabal. It all started last year when I had the grand idea that we should make chocolate razor blades, as a spoof on trick-or-treat hysteria. But I could not figure out how to make the "blades" thin enough!

This year, I'm just going to get down to the basics. I want to use some old-school candy recipes that I used to make with my mom when I was a kid— see below. My fondest memories of my mom are from when we made candy together, and then ate it all in one sitting watching "Get Smart" on our black-and-white Zenith.

ChittyThe first is the Fudge recipe that we found on the back page of Ian Fleming's book, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Yes, it's James Bond fudge!  I've translated all the British measurements for you:

Monsier Bon-Bon’s Secret Fooj

1 lb. granulated sugar (2 c.)
1 small can evaporated milk
1/4 lb. finest butter (8 T.)
1 T. water
1 T. corn syrup
4 T. unsweetened chocolate

Put all the ingrediets into a saucepan. Melt slowly on a low gas until the mixture thickens slightly and is absolutely smooth. Turn up gas and boil very quickly until it forms into a soft ball when a sample is dropped into cold water. Remove from heat and beat well with wooden spoon. Pour the whole mixture into a flat greased pan, mark in squares, and leave to set. When cold, DEVOUR!

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the Magical Car, by Ian Fleming, Random House, 1964

BettyccoverThe next two recipes are from one of my mom's old stand-by's— Betty Crocker's Picture Cookbook.

This was one of the first cookbooks that urged women to use processed foods. Every woman is referred to by her husband's name, like "Mrs. Joe White." There are special celebration meals like "Jimmy Durante's Choice" and "Famous Violinist Recommends Two Vegetable Dinners." (Yehudi Menuhin, if you must know).

The candy recipes are real thing, however. You can't fake homemade candy. They're described in the "Teenage Special" section of the book, which begins this way: 

Combine in a large home kitchen or amusement room:

  • special friends
  • favorite records
  • conversation
  • candy-making

You can't go wrong with Betty C.!

Penuche
“Oh, how I love it,” exclaims Mrs. J. A. O’Gordon of St. Louis Park, Minnesota, as she pases Penche in her antiu silver bonbon dish.

Combine in saucepan:
2 c. brown sugar, packed
1 c. sugar
1 c. cream (20%)
2 T. light corn syrup
1/4 t. salt

Stire over medium heat to dissolve sugar Cook to 234 degrees or until a little dropped in cold water forms a soft ball. Stir occastionally. Remove from heat.

Add:
2 T. butter

Let stand without stiffing until bottom  of pan is lukewarm (120 degrees) .

Add:
1 t. vanilla

Beat until creamy.

Mix in:
1/2 c. chopped nuts

Pour into greased 8” or 9” square pan. Cut into squares. Amount: 36 1 1/2” pieces.


From Betty Crocker’s Picture Cookbook, McGraw/Hill, 1956


Divinity
Jan Korsland of our staff says: “This never-fail Divinity was often made Sunday afternoons in our farm hous in Iowa. Black walnuts gathered from our yard made it extra delicious.”

Place in saucepan over low heat:
4 c. sugar
1 c. light corn syrup
3/4 c. water

Stir until sugar is dissolved, then cook without stirring to 255 degrees, a hard ball.

Remove from heat and pour, beating constantly, in a fine stream, into:
3 egg whites, stiffly beaten

Contine beating until mixture holds its shape and loses its gloss.

Add:
1 t. vanilla
1 c. broken walnuts

Drop quickly from the tip of spoon onto waxed paper in individual peaks... or spread in a buttered pan and cut into one inch squares when firm.

From Betty Crocker’s Picture Cookbook, McGraw/Hill, 1956


If you have any tips for me on the "pull" part of the taffy-making... or any other candy-making recommendations, please spill!

October 19, 2005

A Taste of Honey

AshleymooreI've been known to clutch a copy of Cooks Illustrated to my breast, inky photos of wine-soaked Bosch pears pressed into tender flesh. I salivate over food porn the way others have drowned themselves in Hustler Honeys'. I have similar blood lusts toward ancient issues of Gourmet, and English translations of Elizabeth David's Mediterranean cooking manuals.

Analogies between food and erotica go deep inside our taste buds.  I was pleased to see that Harper's magazine has devoted an essay to the subject in the current issue, "Debbie Does Salad: The Food Network at the Frontiers of Pornography" by Fred Kaufman.

One of my favorite photographers of sexual life is featured:

Barbara Nitke began her career as a porn still photographer in 1982 on the set of The Devil in Miss Jones, Part II, which had a crew of twenty-five and a budget of $100,000 and took ten days to shoot. That was the longest shoot she ever worked on. These days a typical porn director can create a feature-length video in a day, for as little as $13,000.

Since Devil, Barbara Nitke has worked on the sets of more than 300 porn films, which she said is not a huge number, considering that 10,000 new releases enter the market each year... 

I had come to Nitke’s studio in midtown Manhattan, near the United Nations, to watch food television with her, and to compare the histories of sex porn and gastroporn. Nitke, fifty-four, dressed in black from T-shirt to Ferragamos, had set up a card table between the foot of her bed and a bookshelf, and ordered Mexican takeout.

As we ate lunch she told me about her pending contract with HarperCollins for American Ecstasy, a coffee-table book of her porn-set stills, and I began to examine her library, which included copies of Leathersex, The Correct Sadist, and It’s not About the Whip. “I know most of the authors,” she said. “It’s a small world.”

For the past several weeks, Nitke had been running porn films side by side with Food Network shows, studying the parallels. She had also been analyzing the in-house ads, like a recent one for the network’s “Chocolate Obsession Weekend,” which promised to “tantalize your tastebuds.”

In this spot a gorgeous model pushes a chocolate strawberry past parted lips as she luxuriates in a bubblebath. The suds shot dissolves into Food network superstar Emeril Lagasse, who shakes his “Essence” – a trademarked blend of salt, paprika, black pepper, granulated garlic, and onion powder – into a pan of frothing pink goo. The camera moves into the frying pan and stays there.

"There’s something very visceral about watching the food,” said Nitke. “It’s very tissue-y. It’s hard not to think of flesh when you’re looking at these close-ups.”

Like sex porn, gastroporn addresses the most basic human needs and functions, idealizing and degrading them at the same time. “You watch porn saying, 'Yes, I could do that,'” explains Nitke. “You dream that you’re there, but you know you couldn’t. The guy you’re watching on the screen; his sex life is effortless. He didn’t have to negotiate, entertain her, take her out to dinner. He walked in with the pizza. She was waiting and eager and hot for him.”

Check out the rest of story in Harpers before they disappear off the stands, or check out Barbara's site, where she will have the whole story.  I would love to host a sex and cooking show... talk about having your cake and eating it, too.

Photo above is Joanna Storm and Ashley Moore in Nasty Girls, 1982  ©                                 Barbara Nitke.

August 19, 2005

The Best Spaghetti You Ever Had

Ashley_spaghetti I read an essay the other day about "blogger burn-out"— and to my chagrin, I empathized. What a wimp. I've only been blogging since last November— and I'm already tired? I obviously wouldn't make it through the first round of They Shoot Horses, Don't They.

I had wanted to speculate on my blog about how Madonna fell off her pony while giving head to her assistant; or I'd wanted to confide to you that Robert Plant has made a deal with the devil and I witnessed his vocal tour de force in concert. One of the many eighteen-year-old girls I sat next to, screamed Plant's name— continuously, at the top of her lungs, for the entire set... and her mother paid for her seat. Mothers brought their kids in droves. The Rolling Stones don't see this kind of pandemonium.

I also planned to tell all Tiger devotees that they must go download the