Susie Bright's Journal

Estate Sale for Legendary Dominatrix

Last week, I received the most extraordinary invitation to the "estate sale" of Eva Norvind, a movie star, dominatrix, Mexican-Russian icon, and aristocrat sexual liberationist— a woman who embodied such notions  before they were even fathomable, let alone fashionable.

Eva drowned last May in Oaxaca, while shooting a new film. Her friends and admirers miss her terribly, and a memorial is planned in New York October 10th.

But in the meantime...  came this invitation. I longed to share it with you when it was timely, but it was "private." Now that the date is passed, it's still a memorable souvenir:

The Collection Belonging to Eva Norvind, a.k.a. Ava Taurel, and The Taurel Insititute Tag Sale:

You might arrive at 57th and Broadway and think you've come to the wrong building.

You'll tread cautiously through the traditional airy lobby as the polite doorman waves you towards the marble elevator which will carry you to an antiseptic hallway.

You'll be certain you're on the wrong floor, until you open the door to the unsuspecting office and see the goods: a hallway of dildos, a lobby of smutty vintage magazines and tarty bondage gear, a desk topped with masks and gags for all persuasions, two "dungeon" rooms with rows of shiny shoes and various outfits for specific forms of humiliation.

But this is New York, after all, where a legend like Eva Norvind can smack ass and drill her stilettos into the backs of thousands of Manhattan's most powerful people— and where the properties of the recently deceased Ms. Norvind will be on sale and open by invitation only to all deviants, voyeurs, customers, sadists, masochists, and the simply and "innocently" curious.

This is your one, only, and final chance to survey the museum-quality booty of Eva Norvind, the slick-leather-clad saucy blonde whose story and film (Monika Treut's scandalous documentary Didn't Do it For Love) have captured the attention of major media outlets from Time Out to The New York Times to Vanity Fair. 

Eva, the daughter of a Russian prince, was once dubbed "Mexico's Marilyn Monroe" and after being exiled from Mexico for discussing the pill on a TV talk show in 1962, she moved to New York and by the eighties was considered New York City's most legendary dominatrix. 

She counseled Renee Russo for The Thomas Crown Affair, worked with Hilary Clinton and Mother Theresa, and even taught a class:  "Become a Dominatrix for Fun, Love or Profit!" 

At 57th and Broadway, the Taurel Institute for Pyschosexual Counseling was open and the goods remain: paddles and whips that have whacked a thousand asses, canes for snapping flesh to clean-cherry red, nipple clamps and their assorted weights, handcuffs for the especially bad boys, and a hydraulic lift to bring adventurous visitors to a higher level of carnal ecstasy.

Isn't it time you suffer for your sins?

If someone can tell me what Eva Norvind did with Hillary Clinton— and who suffered the most— I will send you a copy of my super-secret galleys for Best American Erotica 2007.

UPDATE:  Turns out this witty invitation is written by Marie Lyn Bernard, who is going to be in the next Best American Erotica in 2007!

Thanks for the tip, and the invite, from Eva's dear friend, Veronica Vera.

Carved Bears Half Off— and One Teddy for Free

I live near a popular California highway that winds through the redwood forest canopy. Among the perennial tourism come-ons is a  sign that advertises— in blood-red paint that looks like Tom Sawyer ran away from it— "Carved Bears Half Off." The discount has not been altered in thirty+ years, and it's been at least that long since the bears did the carving around here.

Old Man Waddell, one of our local pioneer legends, survived a mano a mano wrestling match with one grizzly, but died at the hands of another in the 19th century. Nowadays, the most dangerous animal, (besides man), that you may find in the woods is a mountain lion, and they have an intimidating enough reputation that no one has dared erect a discount sign for their caricature.

I've decided to erect a FER SALE sign myself. My intiative is the result of one of my latest web gadgets,  a device  called BlogLog that shows where people jump to after they've been reading this page— their exit strategy, as it were. 

One of several surprises that caught my attention is that many of you seem click over to see my Clits Up! curio shoppe, where one can find dog sweaters, beer steins, and boxer shorts emblazoned with my dear motto.  I was shocked to see the popularity of this link, because although my shop is very dear to me, I have only sold one thong and no dog sweaters.  I've barely sold anything at all, and I was always convinced that my message must simply be ahead of its time. What an idiot I am!

So many people are clicking over there, it proves that readers are attracted to my message and the design. What stops everyone from frantic impulse buying?  I began to browse around other Cafe Press sites and got a rude shock. My prices are ridiculously high.  Everyone else is charging a two bit mark-up on their goods and I was trying for $5.  I don't know what I picked five dollars... it was simply my notion of a nice profit per item. Apparently the way tshirt artists make money at Cafe Press is by volume, lots of quarters— and in some cases, promotion is the only virtue.

So duh, I submit.  I've slashed, ripped, and carved the bare ass off the prices of my wares. You can now get a pink Clits Up! t-shirt for the inconsolably low price of 15.99. Needless to brag, this item cannot be found or purchased anywhere else in the known universe. You will be stunningly unique in its company.

Furthermore, I'm getting rid of some items to make way for new graphics, and this is your grizzly last chance to get your hands on them.

As of June 10, the Mommy's Little Girl Clock, Thong, Camisole, BBQ Apron, and Bike Bag will be departing, never to be seen again. Extinct.  If you are Mommy's Little Girl, or you'd like to attract like-minded dollies, please visit my humble merchandising hut before they disappear.

In addition, I am phasing out the Clits Up! teddy bear. He is so adorable that he deserves to go out like a legend. You have ten more days to get him in your bed. $13.99 and that’s my final offer. If you post here and tell me a really good story about a grizzly bear, I will send you the very last one, for free.

And now you may go back to your regularly scheduled revolution and programming.

Clits Up! Christmas Contest & Public Spectacle of Yourself

I'm playing Santa this month— or at least his devoted helper.  I'm throwing a "Clits Up! Blog Contest. If you win, you get to pick out whatever you want from my CafePress store, and  I will send it to you with all my Elfish Love, for being such a naughty, naughty little angel!

Many of you know that I have a Cafepress.com site that sells the most practical and absurd gifts with the words "Clits Up!" emblazoned on them.  I don't make much money, but it is endless fun "playing store."

The contest details are at the end of this post, but first I want to explain a few other things...

I wish everyone knew about Cafe Press... they let anyone become an instant retail artist:  you can upload your art onto a variety of things like t-shirts, mousepads, and mugs, and then offer them for sale to the public at a price you choose. You generally make a very small profit, but you don't have to manufacture or deliver anything... CafePress does all the order fulfillment.  They don't charge you anything to set up a "store," so you never lose a dime.
And.. this is HUGE... they do not discriminate against sexual or political content. You do not have to be "family-safe" or any of those other McCarthy-esque descriptions. 

As someone who once ordered and paid upfront for a hundred t-shirts that said "I'd Rather Be Buttfucking," and then only sold FIVE, I can't tell you what a relief and freedom this new technology brings.

Well, at holiday time, Cafe Press reminds all its legions of "storeowners," like me, that we can add NEW silly gifts that might appeal to eager stocking-stuffers. I, for one, couldn't resist!  I designed a bunch of new "must-have"  items, and you can visit them all here.

I think the best new gifts I designed are the boxer shorts, the pink jersey tee, the beer stein, and of course, the amazing DOG SWEATER!  Plus, I don't know how you can get through Xmas without a Clits Up! Teddy Bear.

I also added a Xmas ornament, an  organic cotton t-shirt, buttons, magnets, baby bibs, clocks that say "mommy's little girl", a secret tile and wood box, long sleeved shirts, a mousepad and a super-sized mug. The Cafe Press people say that the large mugs and the mousepads are top sellers, which is opposite from my taste.   I always go for the goofy stuff, like lunchboxes that say "HomeSkooled" or pornographic dog sweaters.

The gift that looks the most boring on the site, but that is actually INCREDIBLE, is the bike messenger bag. The picture doesn't do it justice at all.  I ordered one-- it has my Mommy's Little Girl: Sex, Motherhood, Porn, and Cherry Pie cover emblazoned on it-- and the image is startling on that yellow background. You will look like the most hip, sexy, terrorist EVER, as you board the plane with this bag.  I dared Honey Lee to carry it to Michigan and she did, even though her brother is a pilot and might throw her off the plane. He is her younger brother, so she thinks she can get away with anything.

Okay, the CONTEST.  In order to be eligible, you have to either:
    - have one of my "Clits Up" items from the CafePress in your possession
    - hurry up and order one so you can have one in your possession
   -  make your own cup/tshirt/whathaveyou that has "Clits Up" emblazoned in a noticeable way

What You Must Do:

Wear your Clits Up! clothing or drink from your Clits Up! cup in public.

That is, be seen in your Clits Up! stuff by someone outside your immediate household.  Holiday dinners with extended family and relatives are okay too!

Parade in the boxer shorts, clutch the teddy bear in a restaurant, do whatever it takes:  you just have to take your "Clits Up!" item into the public world and see if you get any reactions.  You don't have to do anything special to draw attention to yourself, just let the slogan work its magic.

Observe what happens. Then write me a brief description of what occurred!  By "brief", I mean a few paragraphs— no novels, please.  Or, you can photograph yourself in action, sporting the item about town. That would be cool too.  I am just as interested if you are studiously ignored, as if you meet your future life partner, or cause a police riot.  I'm just a curious girl!

Send me your story before Xmas. I'd love it if you posted it in the Comments here, but you can email me, too. I will post all the stories here, eventually, though. 

Don't forget to tell me what you want for your prize! Tell me what your favorite item is on my CafePress site. If I pick your story, I will send you the gift you picked out, as my present for your valiant efforts.

Okay, are you ready?  Go forth and propogandize!

Porn Exasperation Results

I got so many intriguing replies to my Porno Yard Sale announcement! Here are some of the offers that I received by email, which you didn't get to see in the Comments before:

"I'm a nursing student; if you mail me a box of porn, I promise to use the resulting sexual energy to renew myself so that I can care for my patients with a smile on my face. I'll pay you shipping and some freshly baked cookies. How's that?"

My partner is a nursing student and EMT too! You've definitely pulled my heartstrings... Your sexual renewal sounds like a top priority to me.

"I sell Avon & have all kinds of backstock laying around...need a Dora the Explorer nightgown for a two-year-old?  Got it...  Cocktail diamond cluster ring in size 8 ? Got it...  I have lotions, fragrances, lots of mascara, incense, candles, christmas decorations... I prefer lesbian- themed items, but i love you so much, it wouldn't matter what you sent!"

Ohmigod, what is it about lesbians selling Avon?  I have NEVER met a straight Avon rep— am I unusual? I love big gaudy cocktail rings in Size 8...oooo, your offer made me feel so greedy.

"If you are willing to ship it up to Seattle, I'll get as much as I can into the Wet Spot Library Archives. Our librarian loves finds like this, and we are branching into most media forms."

The Wet Spot is an extraordinary sex club in Seattle open to any reasonable person, for parties, workshops, community, etc. I've donated stuff to them before— and thank you Peter, I'm going to do it again!

"This note is as pertains the boxes of porn that you found in your office. As an aside, I must say that I wish I could find boxes of porn in my office, my day would go much faster. I am an honest lurker on your site since it's existed, and a big fan of your writing. I live in Israel. The bottom line here is that you can't get feminist erotica in Israel. The genre doesn't exist in Hebrew, and the Anglo market isn't big enough. I have yet to see On Our Backs  in the only gay friendly sex shop in the country, and the mainstream bookstores don't seem to carry Best Erotica series. I have to wait for my infrequent trips across the Atlantic to stock up. I say this not for pity points, only for background information. Yeah, right."

You do indeed have my sympathies. But sending sex stuff overseas is so hard... you have to disguise it, or Customs takes it away. I have lost so much of my work to British and Canadian customs it is ridiculous. Where do they hide it all?

"The On Our Backs mags would be innaresting to me as well. Like a lot of straight people, I like watching gay people of the opposite sex get it on, and all things being unequal, I'd rather check out OOB than some sub-idiot-level "men's magazine"'s somewhat jaded idea of what lesbians do in their spare time."

I got a lot of email requests about On Our Backs, including people who'd never heard of it. Wow! I thought it was more of a legend. Well, it's a magazine that I edited from 1984 - 1990, "Entertainment for the Adventurous Lesbian." I've never felt the same about it since I left, but it still is very different from commercial porn...it really is put together by dykes with attitude, and that's worth something nowadays.

"My boyfriend would love to find audiosmut in his stocking next month."

You are such a good girlfriend to be planning ahead!

"Payment? How about a big juicy smack on the ass?"

No thanks! I fell on my ass yesterday in a bakery parking lot... No kidding;  this insane gust of wind blew me over,  my croissant whirled away, and I cried like a cake left out in the rain.

"What I'd like to offer is a $20 donation made in your name to any of the following organizations: Amnesty International, Red Cross, Hospice of Michigan, Planned Parenthood, ACLU, Democratic National Committee, Oakland County Food Bank, or WDET (Detroit Public Radio)."

I used to live in Detroit, back when the Livonia Courts found me a "menace to society,"  so you have pushed my sympathy button as well. For heaven's sake, don't send any donations in my name to the DNC!  I am very keen on you supporting your local hospice, food bank, and WNET, however— what a nice gesture.

Your letters have made me toss and turn, but here's my final decision:

One woman wrote me, Amy, who offered me exactly what I wanted. She said she would take everything, in one shipment, and pay me up to $100 including postage, which is about $35. Amy, we'd all love to find out what you end up doing with this stuff!

However, I just can't ignore all the other desperate pleas.  No one goes home without a cookie.

For all of you who wrote me, I will send you something for free-- a signed book or audiotape/CD, whichever you like.

I would only ask you to cover my shipping costs, which you can do by making a  $5 donation to my site.  (See the Amazon donation box on my sidebar, at the bottom). Let me know before Nov 30, so I can get it all done and out of my hair.

Send me your shipping address, and as soon as I see the postage paid from the Amazon link, I'll send you your stocking stuffer.

I can't believe I'm offering to do shipping, after I told you how much I hate it! Did I mention I was once fired from a giftwrapping job at Xmas, in Louisville, Kentucky, because my boss said she caught me swearing in the back room and it "just wasn't ladylike"?  You see how traumatized I am.

You may wonder what I am going to do what my Blog donations. Well, if I get any, I need to pay to upgrade this site. I want the $8.95 a month version, instead of the $4.95 version. That would enable me to put up photo albums. I also want to try this service that would allow me to post audio entries...that sounds cool. I need to create some graphics that I need expert help with... labor costs. I have to figure out a way to integrate this blog with my static site, where all my longstanding links are. I want to buy another crossiant for the one that blew away.... no, never mind about that.

If you are not a writer, you might wonder, "Well, gosh, don't you make a good enough living from your royalties to pay for your little hobbies?"

If you are a writer, you are rolling on the floor laughing at that one. Our business is in freefall. The great many of us who are not in the NYTimes Top Ten are wondering what the heck we are going to do if we are not one of the rare few under the patronage of a rich nobleman. 

My Amazon donation link is not going to pay my gas bill, but I do relish the notion that it could pay my blog bill, and that would be a start...  Thank you thank you thank you for any of your pennies in the tip jar!

By the way, I'm starting this category, "For Sale and Sometimes for Free," so that any of you who want to sell, buy, donate, trade whatever you like can come here and made your case!  I'm sure CraigsList would do a much better job of reaching the masses, but you might find a friend here, or trade some good stories. Thank you again for all your wonderful offers!