Susie Bright's Journal

Spend Your Last 9 Months Floating— Finish Off as an Orgasm!

I found out from Paul Krassner that George Carlin's daughter, Kelly, quoted my obit during her family memorial.

I'm so touched! It's just not the same without him around.

Carlin had the most perfect last words on dying:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus?

"I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm."

On my audio show this week, I reminisce about Carlin, and then— on another subject!—  talk about the past and current state of "inter-racial" porn, which is like The Theater of the Absurd, antebellum-style:

Listen to an excerpt

Listen to the whole show

$2 a show, for a year; why not? LINK
 

To my amazement, John McCain has decided to make his entire TV campaign about stimulating the imaginary, yet titillating "horror" of Obama sullying the specter of white, and particularly, blond, womanhood. Any one of his ads that juxtapose Barack with Paris or Britney feel like they came right out of a peep show arcade. It's out of the Karl Rove playbook, to be sure. This is the guy whose entire "oeuvre" consists of perverse race and sex baiting. Focus on the other guy's cock, and your election is in the bag. I can't wait 'til he dies, and the "Rovian Porn Archives" are revealed. I'm sure his rivals the Vatican's.

Finally, in my Try This at Home" mailbag, I get a letter from a listener who asks, "Hospital Sex. Am I crazy, or does it really happen? Is it weird to be horny while recuperating from surgery?"

Darling, it's the most natural thing in the world...

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to susie@audible.com. (Episode 352, Aug. 8, 2008)

Photo Credit: Laurel & Hardy in The Battle of the Century, 1927. Over 4000 real pies were employed in the climactic battle of the custards.

America's Joyous Future

Katie Jamison from Lulu and I went to the Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art last summer, after the BlogHer fest. This was one of favorite pieces, on the first floor, next to the Ladies Room. It's by Erika Rothenberg.

"Usually Tight" — Barnard Girls Go Wild in the Gilded Age!

While cleaning out my desk this past week, I discovered a wonderful "sex shock" news clipping that a friend in Boston found for me in her collection of early 20th century newspapers.

There is no annual date on the story. I'd guess it's from the late 20s, given the use of flapper language like "getting tight" and "tipplers."

If you recognize the newspaper or can pin down the year, let me know!

The culprit in this tabloid shockeroo was The Jester, a campus humor magazine, founded in 1901. But that the student editors published this survey at all, given the era, was quite scandalous:

Girls Answer Quiz on Purity

Barnard Students Admit Necking and "Soul Kissing"

New York, Oct.22— Answers to an amazingly frank "purity test" taken by girl students at Barnard College were published in the Columbia Jester at the university today. Shocked professors immediately ordered the magazine suppressed.

Within 45 minutes, however, the ban was lifted by Dean Herbert E. Hawkes. He made no explanation.

The test went to the ultimate of candor— and in publishing it, the authors of the Jester article inferred that some of the questions were too hot to print. 

They reported that: 51% of the 70 girls considered "one or more propositions to be contrary to their honor; that more than 50% indulge in necking; that 34% practice the "soul kiss"; that 49% had kissed ten different men; than 29% have gone out with other women's husbands, and that no one would answer the question: "Have you ever swum nude in mixed company?"

Of the group, the authors reported that 80% were smokers and 66% tipplers. Answering the question: "Have you ever been tight?" 38 wrote "no," 32 wrote "yes." Of those answering in the affirmative, 14 said they had been tight once, 14 said they had been tight often, and four said that they were "usually tight."

When The Lesbian Met The Lol-Cat

There are two things I always swore I'd never post on this blog.

One of my bans is gossip about The L Word— because the writers have ripped off my work and biography without redemption.

If I had a nickel for every time someone said, "Oh, did you see the latest episode where they stole your chapter/article/life story/barely-concealed name from Blah-Blah?"... well, gee, I'd start my own cathouse. First one to fire: "Phoebe Sparkle."

Secondly, I never got LOLcats. Never laughed, could barely read them, didn't fit my own pussy obsessions.

But now, I must concede.

This above photo is from a  site devoted to L-Word-inspired LOLcats, called The LoL-Word. The whole site is hilarious, even if you've never watched a single episode of the soap opera or indulged in anthropomorphic Internet joke fests.

If you're lesbian, or bitchy— or  you have a soft spot for bitchy dykes— I'd say it's just your cup of cheeseburger!

Thanks to Holly for the tip!

Update: Look what Holly, my original tipster, made for me!

I'd Like to Make Weekend Plans With You and Your Husband

My goodness, it IS almost strawberry season!

I thought no one could come close to Polly Wally for the mirth of non-monogamy, but this new musical comedy duo, Riegel and Blatt, has made me believe again.

Video written and performed by: Riegel & Blatt, Director: Andrew Miller, DP: Quyen Tran, Featuring: Angela Trimbur, Marian Belgray, Megan Hollingshead, Liam O'Brien, Drake Coker, Halla Timon and Eden Riegel.

Thanks to talented tunesmith Camille for sharing this with me!

Wednesday Night is the Night We Make Love

I went to a vegetarian potluck deep in the dark wet forest of the Santa Cruz Mountains, and this is what I came home with.

Official site of Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand's fourth-most popular digi-folk paradists. —Thanks Laura!