Do you remember when Eldridge Cleaver designed those "Penis Pants" that— shall we say— blemished his career as a sane person and ardent revolutionary?
Well, I've found his evil twin, in Jakarta.
A massage parlor operator and Project Runway Wanna-Be
named Frank has designed "Chastity Pants" for his female
workers, that have sewn-in padlocks across the zippers. He has the key, and uses it every shift.
The nouveau chastity belt is his response to a religious Fundie "crackdown" on immorality in the Indonesian tourist districts. I'm sure they'll vanquish prostitution in no time at all! But, in the meantime, I think Frankie may be getting some orders from abroad...
Also on today’s show, an indignant (yet curious) girlfriend finds porn on his boyfriend's computer... and lives to tell the tale! The best part is when she discovers her own unforeseen nocturnal habits, thanks to her candid conversation with her lover.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I get a letter from a swinging couple who have questions about sex
with someone with a serious disability.
Don't forget, you can send your
confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free-subscription girly
cards to: susie@audible.com.
(Episode 339, May 9, 2008).
Deep in the bowels of Washington, a federal US Attorney is watching
porn videos. Lots of porn videos. They are looking for crime, they're
looking for a cause, a way to bring back integrity to the US Attorney's
Office.
Now they've found one: filing an obscenity case against porn legend John Stagliano, and his company Evil Angel— for "squirting fetish" footage.
You remember what happened
to the federal prosecutors under the Bush admin, right? Everyone who
was interested in white collar crime, corruption, extortion, and child-kidnapping was told to fly right and start focussing on porno:
Two of the fired U.S. attorneys, Dan Bogden of Nevada and Paul Charlton of Arizona, were pressured by a top Justice Department official last fall to commit resources to adult obscenity cases, even though both of their offices faced serious shortages of manpower. Each of them warned top officials that pursuing the obscenity cases would force them to pull prosecutors away from other significant criminal investigations.
In Nevada, ongoing cases included gang violence and racketeering, corporate healthcare fraud, and the prosecution of a Republican official on corruption charges. In Arizona, they included multiple investigations of child exploitation, including "traveler" cases in which pedophiles arrive from elsewhere to meet children they've targeted online.
Anyone who didn't toe the line, was fired and replaced with one of the Bible College grads who could follow simple instructions.
Yes, but this is old news. What's interesting is that the screening
room hasn't shut down. The feds are watching more porn than ever. The
ones that freak them out the most aren't the hard cocks, the
interracial sex, the homosexual taboos that so often frequented past
federal investigations. That's so 80s.
No, the movies they're going after this time, are a milestone in
obscenity trials. No one ever used to pay attention to female orgasm in
porn tapes before... it was like Queen Victoria dismissing lesbianism.
It just didn't count for them. Dick was all that mattered.
InMilk Nymphos, Storm Squirters, andFetish Fanatic 5, the
one common element is women simulating orgasm, and demonstrating such
by squirting up a storm. The scenes are surreal, they're so inauthentic, but what's remarkable, in legal history, is that the ostensible pleasure on screen is depicting the
thrill of female orgasm.
I think we have a breakthrough here. The feds want to make visible female excitement an obscenity.
Also on today’s show, I over my post-Paris tips on how to take a sexy vacation. From
pre-flight master-Tiki madness at Terminal C, to embracing getting lost
in a foreign city, to making out in public; I can offer you a different
kind of travel guide.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I get a letter from a listener about a no-good porn-star sister.
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for girly cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 338, April 25, 2008).
Photo: I looked at stills from all the indicted videos, and I didn't find one that appealed to me as much as this screenshot from a Spanish rock band's video: Trisfe's Pornografia. Thanks to boingboing for the introduction!
"Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour - but a little piece of eternity dropped into our hands... and who knows what to do with it?"
-Blanche DuBois, "A Streetcar Named Desire"
Today, on my In Bed podcast, I talk about my enchanted trip this month to New Orleans— my first since the storm. I'm still as in love with this city as the first day, twenty years ago, that I stepped foot into the spellbound eternity that Tennessee Williams describes so well.
You know what struck me about N.O. today? It was a comparison. Look at the rest of the country— we're paralyzed with anxiety about the ensuing economic collapse and environmental chaos. We're so afraid, we smell bad.
In the Gulf, in New Orleans, everyone left standing has BEEN there and DONE that. And they've got the Army Corps of Engineers tattoo on their shingle to prove it.
They've seen the worst; every day is a little bit better. They were abandoned by the federal zookeepers, left for dead, no joke. But you know what? This city won't quit. You can't kill a a bloom that's been seeded for centuries. You can't deny a flood of endurance, nor the hearts that stitched themselves together when no one thought they could keep ticking. This is the Eternal Krewe. They stomp on.
I once said that while the rest of the United States lives and dies on its work ethic, New Orleans survives and thrives on a pleasure ethic. Friends, neighbors, family— and the wee and languid hours you spend with them— that's what makes something last when you're in the middle of a disaster area. You can't buy it, and you can't strive for it. You have to live this way, you have to care about beauty, and ritual, sensuality, and communality.
The fact that Southern Louisiana and Mississippi are still standing, partying, fucking, cooking, and making music together, is testimony to a human spirit that survives out of sheer spite— and true love. This is a community of survivors. They're the early adopters of Armageddon. I found it relaxing.
I got my first decent night's sleep in months, listening to the streetcar roll by. I dreamed such wonderful pleasures. I woke up and the air smelled good.
Sure, everyone has PTSD. There's an unspoken understanding of giving one another some room to be a little crazy, a little extra time to unfold. "Be Nice or Leave" said the sign in many bars and eateries I walked into, and I found that advice to be just the right temperature. Everyone's been through so much here, they don't need an impatient fool's conceit or drama.
The formal reason for my appearance in this fair city, was to give a lecture at Tulane University, which I called "Beyond the Vagina," in honor of the 10th anniversary V-Day celebrations that Eve Ensler organized for New Orleans the week I was there.
What's beyond the Vag? Everything, frankly. The anatomy lesson doesn't take that long.
I met hundreds of Tulane students and faculty during my visit, and among many conversations, I asked them to indulge me in one of my anonymous sex surveys. I ask them, among other things, to jot down a question that might not be the easiest thing to ask on the mike, in front of everyone.
I've written the complete list here, separated by gender and age.
There's plenty to discuss, and I'll blog more in the coming days. Every campus should have a sex center/hotline/dropin where every single one of these questions gets addressed. None of them are inexplicable!
One thing I've observed lately is that women and men of every age, are obsessed with that erotic unicorn, the Grafenberg-Spot. It's hardly Louisiana; it's an American obsession.
I wish I'd never brought up the darn G-Thingy twenty years ago when I was one of the first to start writing about it. Talk about a backlash....
I'll be crunching the rest of my survey numbers in the coming week, and look forward to more sex ed discussions!
Finally, thank you, especially, to the magi-eloquent Crystal Kile, the inspired Charlotte D'Ooge, the revelatory Mimi Schippers, and the silver-tongued Jonno, for their more-than-hospitable care of me during my stay. You know I'm coming back...
In Bed Goodies...Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free show coupon cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 337, April 18, 2008)
Photos: Vivien Leigh, from the 1951's Streetcar... and the "Katrina Warriors" from the Newcomb Institute who put Susie on the table.
I have more Bostonian literary contributors to Best American Erotica than any other region. It's such deep readers' culture there, the home of America's English language publishing. Funny how that history keeps making its stamp, whether it's the legacy of the witch trials or that of the free-thinkers and abolitionists.
I was invited to speak in Boston, courtesy of GLAD, at Ben Franklin's old haunt, the historical Old South Meeting House, on the subject of "Whither sexual liberation?" which fired up my best Tea Party instincts.
I asked the audience to consider what might be our "Gay Marriage Exit Strategy." We're going to prevail on this one— and then what? I remember well after the Vietnam War, many activists asked: what holds us together now; where do we go now? It was a pretty hard bump.
After eating and drinking my way from one end of Southie to the next.. .and yes, my dining guide is forthcoming... I took the DownEaster train (fantastic!) up to Portland, Maine, for the state's first-ever erotic book reading. The tension was exquisite. I got lost in the trees, afterward, too.
Also on today’s show, I have another update on yet another hypocrite from Texas:
prosecutor Chuck Rosenthal, (a.k.a. "Idiot. Dumbass. Fool.") who castigated gays but now finds himself
in the middle of his own sex scandal. His family-values stand against
sodomy didn't take into consideration that he might himself get caught
doing it.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, a listener describes his pleasure doing erotic hypnosis on his lovers— and leaves me asking a few questions on his technique!
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about
the show, and requests for girly cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode
329, February 15, 2008).
Photo credit: Jessica Lockhart, my Audible show editor, and I, get a little lost on the public grounds at the Baxter School for the Deaf, at Mackworth Island.
After years of giving prudent, kind, and wholesome advice for
Valentine's Day, I'm throwing caution— and my marbles— to the wind, and
suggesting that you might want to get smashed for your romantic holiday this year, with an erotic twist.
It works if you're alone! It works for couples! It works... thanks to
books like Stoned Free: How To Get High Without Drugs... even when you're technically clean and sober!
I got inspired in my own Trip for the Day, because of some amazing Hemp Oil, both high and holy, that a friend left in a small dropper bottle at my house over the LAST holidays. Wow. It reminded me of an erotic opium intake experience I had some years ago...
Next, on my audio show this week, I have an update on the infamous Pastor Ted. Remember
Reverend Ted Haggard and all his woes? Well, he's back in the
limelight of a failed rehab— I mean, "spiritual restoration"— and we'll look at how long it took him to fall off the wagon
again. If I thought my hemp oil would help, I'd send some right over to his Phoenix lair...
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, a listener asks: What is up with the "Viagra-people"?
P.S. I would be remiss if I didn't remind you that I have a stash of the cutest, most adorable valentines you've ever seen, to share with you, on my Flickr account. They're from the 20s and 30s... my mom's childhood scrapbooks. Just print them out and start cutting, folding, and inscribing with endearments!
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free show coupon cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 328, February 8, 2008).
I'm not laughing, because this crap is used every day in clinical settings and I shudder to think of the damage it's done.
The crux of "sex addict" determination is this "quiz," which Petra will direct you to, invented by the one shill, named Patrick Carnes, who is particularly responsible for the Sex Addict Hoax. He makes Dr. Phil look like a gem of integrity at Britney's bedside.
As you "take the quiz," you realize that anyone who answers it with a grain of honesty will be diagnosed as a hopeless sex junkie.
Petra writes:
The "Sexual Addiction Screening Test" lacks any parameters, so you don’t know if you’re supposed to give your answers in relation to recent events, or things you did in the past. You’re unable to indicate the duration of anything you're describing.
15. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
16. Have important parts of your life-- such as job, family, friends, leisure activities-- been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?
17. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
To each of these, you have to answer "yes" or "no."
You can’t indicate if you are constantly driven by your desires, or whether at one time you were besotted with someone, and felt utterly overwhelmed by your feelings.
If on any occasion you’ve been swept along by passion (and I sincerely hope most of us have, at least once) you have to answer "yes" to all these questions.
Finally, with my last breath on this week's show, I talk about a Princeton University student organization called the Anscombe Society that formed to affirm the importance of a chaste lifestyle between adults who love each other and remain "wholesome."
Oh, and one detail: gays aren't welcome, not to mention slutty het types.
Too bad, then, because the leader of the group got himself in deep trouble by fabricating attacks on himself (and several frightened others) which seemed to point the finger at vengeful homosexuals and sex nuts.
I'm not kidding— this guy gave himself a head injury, and then wrote all these fake threats and emails to him own address and his colleagues', that appeared to be created by evil forces trying to stop the chaste and pure! Local cops broke him down in a couple hours.
So much for elite college college applications...
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for girly cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 327, January 25, 2008)
Photo: This movie poster is in my bathroom, but I have tragically never seen the film!
Today, on my In Bed podcast, I'm gobsmacked at the tactics the Columbus, Ohio, police are using to round
up the worst criminals in town.
You know, Columbus is the home of the bathroom sex bust... they developed all the "techniques," many decades ago. Always up to the moment, this police department is now collaborating with a topless woman to lure
men into a public park police sting - and the naked beauty is not a part of the
squad.
The second part of my audio show this week is a loving excerpt from the newly-released
15th edition of The Best American Erotica 2008.
It started like this: I invited all my favorite storytellers to tell me, "What
inspired you to write your story in the first place?"
Author Joe Maynard told me he wrote his story about test-driving a "male masturbation toy" called the Fleshlight when he was given a demo model on assignment by a mercurial magazine editor — with rather impossible expectations...
Also on today’s show, shopping for sex toys has cracked the Walmart Cosmos. It's possible to buy vibrating condoms at Target. Your
cart can have a discount sweater, Valentine's card, cheap cat
food...and "something for her pleasure." The whole thing makes me a little nostalgic about the good old
days of dirty bookstores - and how women buying porn used to be subversive.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, a listener who wants to know if it's okay to be just a tiny bit bi-sexual.
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free show coupon cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 325, January 11, 2008)
Photo: If you want to know what's really going on in the toy biz, you have to read Tony Lovett's AVN Novelty mag.
It was an year chock-full of sex freaks,
erotic drug bingeing, and gay fetish— and that was just the Republicans.
I decided to kick off the my new year's audio show by taking a look back at the top
sex stories of past year... was there anything that WASN'T a sex story in 2007? I needed a desk at the National Enquirer to keep up with it all.
The political exposés hinted at something I find across the
board in the Emerald City: the gay infrastructure of governmental king-making. The Friends of Dorothy are stretched from aisle to aisle.
It has nothing to do with Democrats and Republicans, other than the
closet issue. Government management and organizing jobs attract gay
energy, just as we see the same magnet work in the fashion world, or
fine art.
There's been plenty written about why "queer" aesthetics feel at home in the commercial world of art and design. But no one's ever
analyzed why gay men and lesbians are so attracted to supporting
candidates for office, and devoting themselves to wonkiness. More of
them would run for office if they didn't hate the spotlight on their
personal lives.
Why do I see this? It's anecdotal. It glares at me every time I get cooped up with campaign workers, Washington
wonkettes, and war rooms. It's gayer than a lot of other "industries" I've
been a part of. Am I imagining things?
Of course, the disgusting scandal about it all, is that you have
these thousands of closet cases and queerly demure voices who put up with
anti-gay discrimination in public policy— when they could change it all
in four hours if they put their minds to it. Without them, the elected officials are lost.
abstinence education's complete failure and the public policy collapse on the issue,
the inevitable bummer of gay divorce, and
Viagra and the weird future of female sex-enhancement drugs.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, a listener asks how he can have a serious out-of-body sexual experience. Isn't it obvious? Bathroom sex on Capitol Hill!
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free show coupon cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 324, January 4, 2008)
Let me introduce you to the swan-song poster girl of the abstinence education movement: TV actress and celebrity-sister, Jamie Lynn Spears. She's pregnant.
Jamie, raised to be a Baptist Good Girl by her devoted Church Stage
Mother, was "shocked" to learn she was expecting, according to her
tabloid confession.
It is stunning, isn't it, to learn all that sperm-and-egg jazz, after the deed's been done.
Jamie has
carried two difficult secrets: not only is she pregnant, but she's been
knocked up by a TV executive who's old enough to be her GRANDFATHER, from the set of her
Nickelodeon Kiddie TV show. They're canning her, now that her image is "ruined," but no one's mentioned the future of Mr. Wonderful. He's just publicly shunning her.
Yeah, the father isn't her cute dirt bike-riding Missisisppi
homeboy, as the family first reported. They gave that young man a check
to stand in for the paternity ride, while they try to avoid the
statutory rape mess inspired by the original conception.
Jamie is so... typical. Most shocked, immature, pregnant 10th-graders have also
found their new shape in the arms of a guy significantly older than
them— a jerk incapable of seducing women his own age. Jamie got groomed.
In case no one else has the guts to say it, let me: you can still get an abortion at twelve
weeks, Jamie. It'll be so much cooler to have a baby when you're not a baby
anymore, and your mom can't run your life. This isn't a Knocked Up
script, this is your destiny. Pack up your last paycheck and some
condoms in your old kit bag, and get the hell out of Kentwood,
Louisiana.
The abysmal failure of purity balls and chastity rings and "Just-Say-No" is one of the most under-reported stories of the year. The numbers are in, and they are deafening. Abstinence-mongering doesn't work! Not one percent, not half a percent, not nothing, no-how.
Abstinence programs "don't work" even more spectacularly than
liberals have made allowances for, which really pisses me off. Many
well-intentioned feminists refused to take a hard line on this baloney
for years— billions wasted, school budgets hijacked, a boondoggle only
a corrupt politician could love.
If you are a sex-policy wonk, (yes, that would be me) I recommend a nice Pinot Noir while you read the entire report. Or just listen to my new In Bed podcast, where I share the scream-able highlights:
Also on today’s show, I talk more about Peppermint's "Strange Credibility of Polyamory" argument, which I enjoyed discussing here last week.
Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I counsel a listener who worries if his sex life will survive his wife's pregnancy.
Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for free show coupon cards to susie@audible.com. (Episode 323, December 28, 2007)
Do you remember when Eldridge Cleaver designed those "Penis Pants" that— shall we say— blemished his career as a sane person and ardent revolutionary?
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