Susie Bright's Journal

Susie's Mini-Blog With Breaking News on Facebook

 Dear Constant Readers:

I've discovered that my Facebook site— which I once thought was only good for finding old lovers— is a superb place to publish quick jots on breaking news.

I'd like to invite you to join me there, because it's too juicy to leave you out!

Facebook is better than posting a quick piece on my Typepad blog, because:

a) technically, it's faster for me; I can post a quick story, photo, or video—  in under a minute. There's no formatting, no design work, it's just a quick spell check and I'm done.

b) I can post small stories as frequently as I want, without annoying you with email alerts all day.

c) It's faster/easier for you to comment on the fly... no log-in, no typing your name, etc.

I am NOT abandoning my blog, here, not at all. 

This is something new.

I'll run my longer stories here, as I always have. I can stretch out in my blog, do "live" blogging of big events, make a permanent, searchable, story. It's irreplaceable. 

But for a "Susie-Wire," where I can comment and alert you to critical news— as well as my quixotic state of mind— Facebook is a godsend.

For example, yesterday, I posted on my Facebook profile:

The annoying but titillating Times story on "Female Desire," cough, cough

Cory Silverberg's and Greg Downey's great critiques of above story

My "Obamicon," which makes me look like a Warhol movie star

My latest book events, Craft column, and flu-busting maneuvers

The Secret Disgusting Phone Calls CEO's are having to kill the Labor Bill

Obama throws contraception funds off the lifeboat

New Georgia law criminalizes vibrators, condoms, and lube

Gay State Dept. Employees Write Hillary a DETAILED letter

What needs to be said about John Updike's erotic influence on the English language

Greta Christina's cathartic rant on the God-Glut at the Inauguration Ceremony

Yes, all in one day!  It would take me ten hours to do that here, at the Journal. So come on over and have some fun!

 I also use FB to point you to my big blog posts over here, so you'll never miss anything you're interested in.

How to Join Up and Cozy In

In order to see my Facebook stories, you have to become my "friend," a euphemism that has become the source of much hilarity around my house. I am apparently a "Facebook Slut."

I will "friend" anyone who asks me— no fear of rejection!

Are You a FB Virgin? —Here's How-To:

You join the Facebook site, which  requires filling out a little info, but then that's done, forever. It's easy; no computer savvy required.

I  HIGHLY recommend going into your FB "privacy settings" and turning OFF all the "email alerts."  Otherwise, you'll find their email barrage annoying.

Bookmark Facebook on your browser, and you'll be able to see, at a click, what I— and your other friends— are up to! You may even become an addict like me and make it your home page.

Search for my name,  ask to be my friend, and I will say YES.

Meanwhile,  you'll find some of your old pals and family hanging around the FB watering hole. It's a great way to keep in touch with long-distance comrades, and you're always able to say "Happy Birthday" at just the right time. (Why is that "birthday" thing so touching? It just is... one never feels overlooked or uncared for again!)

I didn't have anyone instruct me how to use Facebook; one thing just led to another. It's a very intuitive pleasure, which I'm sure their founders are very proud of!

I'm sure FB has its drawbacks, or scandals— but I encounter these same problems everywhere I publish. As a blogger, FB offers magic, and since we writers are hanging on by our fingernails, I have to use its benefits, or perish.

Do I still need your subscriber support? 

Of course! The people who are sending me $5 a month to support my reporting and writing are the only reason I can do this blog, Facebook, or any independent writing at all.

If you can consider making a regular tiny-donation to my work efforts, I am in your debt— and I also send out great presents! (Just ask my regular donators!)

The Profile Vs. The Page... An Important Distinction

Right now, I use my FB "Profile" to post all my news— that's the webpage that everyone on FB gets.

 But I also have a fan-style "Page"— because when I reach 3,000 friends, FB apparently will sound the horn and  make me stop expanding my Profile circle. At that point, I will only be updating my "Page."

The trouble is, one day my Profile is going to go dark, and I won't have a way to wave my hands frantically and say, "Over here! Come over here!"

So, sign up for my Page, now, in addition to my Profile, before they dim the lights. If you search for my name, you'll see both.

Thank you!

Still trying to spin straw into gold before dawn,

Susie

Photo: I found this on Susannah Breslin's blog, and it SPOKE to me.

What the !@#$% is Going on With Susie's Typepad Blog?

I can't keep my lip buttoned any longer; it's too embarrassing.

Typepad, my blog server, rolled out a new interface in late May— and it's so buggy and unpredictable, that I don't know from one day to the next whether I can post at all— or if my stories will appear as I composed them, instead of a barrage of gobbledy-gook.

The file uploading system is also in havoc; so I never know whether I can add my audio files or special features, or whether I can get ahold of the links to add to my postings. I spend days, trying the same thing over and over again, hoping that one morning, it will "WORK." It's been a month of frustration now.

Today's nonsense "behind the scenes" melt me down into a fiery toxic sludge...

The worst crisis, is that I'm hearing from readers who say that the new system is crashing their browsers, repeatedly. One dear fan, Dan, wrote to Typepad for help, and their Help Center  wrote him back, saying, "Oh, we're just fine, and how would you like to sign up yourself, sales pitch, yadda-yadda." Jesus H. Fucking Christ! He's obviously never going to take them up on this offer, after that whitewash!

This blog has been my home for a few years, and performed magnificently. I'm not a web-savvy person by any means, and to have the "back end" handled by someone else has been crucial to my publishing. I can't just switch over to my own set-up, or anyone else's, in the twinkle of an eye. I already wear enough hats as it is. 

So, I am hoping that Typepad will now either allow us to "go back" to our reliable system, or work out the ferocious problems, STAT. If they don't, then I will begin the painful, and un-quick, process of moving my trunks.

Meanwhile, I can collect evidence! If you're having problems viewing this site,or commenting, or using it in any way— or, just as important, if everything seems just "normal" to you, I'd like to hear in your comments below.

Please note the kind of computer you use, your operating system, and the browser you prefer.

Also, if you happen to ALSO be a Typepad customer, let me know if you're having similar complaints. If this is just me, I am officially joining the Paranoia Club.

(Oh! And if you always had problems with seeing my blog, before May 20, then it's not this latest beta-mess that's affecting you. The quick solution to longer-standing problems would be, "update, and/or, change your browser." Typepad works best on up to date Firefox, then Safari, and then everything else).

I know many of us who've lived with computers and the Internet close to our lives, have endured some similar "sky is falling" scenarios. The other week, when Amazon shut down for a few hours, I thought, "This is the end; here comes the apocalypse." For many writers, our whole publishing career is centered on the Web, and when the system collapses, you can only wonder if you're supposed to wander out on the street with a wooden soapbox, and a piece of hand-scrawled foolscap!

Please know that I am paying attention, gathering evidence, and contacting everyone I can, to resolve this  nonsense. I have lots to write and say, and I miss having my "old reliable" to turn to!

Coffee, Tea, or... The Best American Erotica?

Dear Loved Ones,

I've been meaning to make this offer for quite some time, and I'm finally ready to step into my coveralls, slip on the leather gloves, and get down to it:

Any of you who are currently-paid subscribers to this blog, I'd like to treat you to a signed copy of The Best of Best American Erotica 2008.

It's my last edition of the series, and it's a humdinger. I chose all my favorite erotic stories from the past fifteen years, plus my favorite new writers who I thought could stand right up to the competition.

Just send me your address by this weekend, with the Subject Line: BAE08,  and I'll get cracking in my "shipping department," on Monday. I won't stop until the packing tape runs out!  And yes, the postage and lipstick smudges are on me, as well.

Let me know if you'd like a PDF, or a paperback copy, and email me your proper address to ship, or email,  your book to.

If YOU would like to be a sponsoring subscriber to Susie Bright's Journal, and get presents in the mail like this on a regular basis, here's how:

You pay $5 a month, or $60 for a one year subscription. There's more than one way to do it.  You can cancel whenever you want. But hopefully you will be pleased as punch!

Whenever I have a new book out, or a some fun new toy, like my Clits Up! buttons, or Girly Cards, I will always spread the luv!

But more than that, by pressing a few coins in my palm, you support the ideas and writing of this blog, which I'm sure you know, are not remotely available in the mainstream media— what's left of it.

Sometimes the numbers here stagger me. I've written 700 stories for my blog, edited and published almost 8,000 comments, and passed the five million visitors mark some time ago. Yet honestly, the engine doesn't turn over without...you!

Writers didn't used to busk on the Internet streets for income, when there was a thriving magazine and newspaper business. Less than ten years ago, I would've pointed my readers to my latest story in Ms. Magazine, or Rolling Stone, or Playboy. No reader would have thought it odd to pay for a periodical. The publishers expected to pay their writers; what a concept! 

Sure, beginners struggled to get in the publishing world, but once you were in the trade, it was as believable a craft and profession as being an... autoworker. Or a lumber mill worker. You get the the idea. It's like the La Brea Tar Pits.

Writers today are trying all kinds of crazy things to stay alive— blogging, like I do, is one of those endeavors. My work is read, and duplicated and downloaded by millions today— and truly, all I need is a few hundred of those readers to buy me the equivalent of a cup of coffee and a cookie once a month.

I've written on the publishing crisis before, but if you're familiar with what's happened in other "disappearing" American industries, you understand the general storyline. At every level, from the airport-bestseller novelists to the struggllng first-timers, there's been a massive drop in sales and opportunities to earn income as an author. The great middle is the group who's in the most shock, because they were accustomed— for a century!— to making a modest living with their skill and talent, and now, they're feeling like "Beauty School Drop Out."

I know, it feels odd to send a token payment directly to a writer. We're used to paying the distributors, the  middlemen, the supermarket tabloid. But I'm a changed woman. Every time I feel like picking up the National Enquirer, I pinch myself, go home, and Paypal the same amount to a blogger I love! 

And the response you get when you do.... we're so grateful. You'll never get a tongue bath from the tabloids like you'll get from an independent blogger!. We send you our new books, we write personal letters, our eyes light up to face another day.... Uh oh! Better not lay it too thick! But it's all rather painfully true.

Meanwhile, as I get out my autographing fountain pen, let me know if any of you want a book by Sunday, okay? I'll be doing a big ship-out early next week.

Susie

Who Reads this Blog, and What Are They Up To?

60% of you are flossing regularly. I simply must step up.

75% of you wouldn't step foot in Walmart.

35% of you have seen a UFO.

And although most of you are  Athiest/Agnostic— wow, I have a smattering of all faiths. There's as many readers who are Eastern Orthodox as are driving Porsches.

And I wish I could meet you all! 

Yes, the results are in: LINK

About 600 people took my Blog Readership Survey over the course of ten days. That's about 2% of my readership, over that same period of time.

I compared myself to every statistic, naturally.

The way I am the most different from my readers, according to these questions? I use a Mac. (35% of respondents).

I drink more liquor, less beer, but I seem to be the norm on the wine tip! Next time, I'm going to insist on a chocolate martini question. And sex. I know my poly stats would have beat the pants off all the others.

Thanks so much for playing... I offered the survey to assist my advertising efforts, but now I see the far more interesting part is how it helps me visualize who I'm talking to.

We'll do it again next year, and in the meantime, I'll work on my flossing and paranormal sightings. "Bartender! Let's have two Screaming Orgasms— and make it snappy!"

Tell Me All About Yourself, Darling

Please take my Blog Reader Project survey.

It's not as scintillating as the Bathroom Sex q&a, but it will really help me convince publishers and advertisers that we have a groovy thing goin' on here.

Plus, it's a fun questionnaire; not your usual bore.

Photo: John Everett

 

Random Honest Porn Review Gets a Place at the Table

I've received so many new random honest porn reviews as a result of my subscription drive, that I've decided to give them their own new blog!

It's called Random Honest Porn Review.

It's bare bones. I decided to use the "food template" design from my blog server, because something about "sticking a fork in it" seemed appropriate. I published all the reviews we've received so far, with little pictures of each box cover next to the plate settings.

New reviews include: the unholy mess that Eddie Van Halen has created: "Sacred Sin," the lesbian-made "Crash Pad," (which sounds incredible)  a new perspective on "Bend Over Boyfriend," Chicago's own "Urban Friction," the classic that gets everyone's panties in a twist, "Anna Obsessed," and something called "Beautiful" which is apparently not.

Thank you to my new subscribers in Dallas and Southern Indiana for keepin' it real! I get the biggest kick out of your candor on this subject.

I looked up all the above movies to compare the official reviews that appeared about them. In the case of the big budget projects (big budget by porn standards, which Van Halen certainly qualified for) every voice was glowing. Porn reviews are the worst case of everyone telling the Emperor his new clothes look swell.

I remember when I first got hired by Forum— many years ago when they were still in business—  to write a monthly erotic film column. This was at the dawn of VHS! My first question to them the editor was, "And if it sucks, can I write about that?"

Now my comment makes me laugh, because he hired me when the porn still had a lot of traditional cinematic talent in it, particularly actors, DPs, and directors. They were shooting on 35mm and 16mm. In any case, he told me to "write whatever you want" —music to the nubile critic's ears.  That's what I'll whisper in your ear, too!

If you want to publish an honest review of a porn movie, on our new blog, subscribe to my journal, (all the details are here, if you want to ponder) and then send me your snail mail to I can send you a free movie from my attic. Watch closely, and email me your review after you've spell-checked your way to infamy!

Photo: The 500-Strong Orgy in Japan, which coincidentally holds the world's record naked peace signs flashed in one group.

Miller's Daughter Stuffs Porn in the Mail to You

When I started this blog in October of 2004, about eight people came to visit it. I wasn’t concerned— I had just come off a movie set about getting your sexual mojo back after incest, and I was inspired.

I didn’t want to wait one minute to see if the local paper would allow me to say my piece.

The faith to "blog on" was like having a beloved imaginary friend. I cottoned to this place too much to admit that it might not be real.

At this point, I can't imagine life as either a journalist or an author without blogging. For one, I'm writing the stories that used to be killed by advertisers at the magazines I freelanced for. That practice was lucrative, but crushing. Example: I was once paid a $3000 kill fee by a mag whose advertiser, "Hanes Panty Hose" objected to my use of the word "ejaculate.")

Now, I happily pound out all kinds of words about sex, culture, and politics that MSM editors used to turn down faster than you can spit, "You Can't Say That." (Molly Ivins would never get hired in a mainstream newspaper today, would she?)

I've been poring over the stats today. As of this morning, I’ve written 489 stories, relished your 5,987 comments, and apparently entertained 1,277,026 visitors. Holy Fat Vagina!

Do you know how much that pleases me? Very, very much. Plus, I really like your taste… Here are the top ten stories of the past month, in case you've missed one:

Too Busy: The Sexual Politics of the Presidential Crisis

Notes on Cunt

Rape Scenes

Revenge of the World Bank Secrataries

This Woman Has a Tattoo of Homer Simpson On Her Hoo-Hoo

The NSFW Bogeyman

Vargas in Drag

The Velvet Fist

Ted Haggard Betting Pool - Bet on Ted!

I Am Ms. Wet T-Shirt 2007— Already

I moved at a passionate snail's pace on this blog using my “free” time— I wrote it for almost two years before I thought of asking for subscribtions.

That was a great idea, and financially essential, but it's also been eyeopening for me to connect with my readers this way. The letters you’ve written me, when you’ve sent me your subs and donations, are as encouraging to me as the money itself. I have a real sense of who I'm speaking to here. And the friends and colleagues who've come to support me this way— it means more to me than I can say without a big hankie.

Speaking of money, I’ve bought all the tools to keep me going (stamps, printer ink, endless computer repairs) and proceeded with gusto, knowing you all had my back. So, THANK YOU.

How much more could I do with this blog with enough coming in to sustain the effort?

Number 1: I could respond quickly to events and give that patented "Susie Take on Things" right on the spot.

For example, a lot of you have been asking if I’m going to comment on the “D.C. Madam” anytime soon!  Of course I am—  it’s a big story. I want to bring something new to the dirty trick towel— that you won’t get in the Times. We all learned so much from Jeff Gannon, Mr. Aggressive Verbal Top.

When you buy a $5 @month subscription from me, you're giving me an incredible gift of research and writing time.

Your dollars— which I hope for you is like taking me on a coffee date once a month— is the reason I can give you the inside scoop on angry World Bank secretaries, warn you against super-tight twats, and keep funding my analysis of fundies.


So, okay, what’s my secret gambit this time?

As you may also know, some time back, I was cleaning out the attic and discovered a whole box of porno— stuffed with review copies of videocassettes and DVDs sent to me over the past couple decades.

Turns out, in a forgotten corner in my attic, I have found another giant box of abandoned porno. (Can you see what’s coming?)

Some of them are labeled, some aren’t, and they all deserve better homes! Most of them are VHS, with a sprinkling of DVDs.

I will offer one Priceless Anonymous Porn Classic as a gift to anyone who subscribes to my blog, for $5/month.

Subscribe now, and get your free X-Cassette: 

Last time we did this, every last drop of naughtiness was quickly shipped out! Will you end up with White Bun Busters, G-Spot Flooders, or Traci Lord’s swan song?

I have NO IDEA. I don't play favorites, I just reach into the box and start stuffing your envelope.

Maybe you will discover a long forgotten gem. A howler. Or maybe after seeing it, you will think, “Ah well, at least I helped Susie out.” It’s quality out-of-control! It’s a big box of porno! What better way to send off your old VCR than by plugging it with a juicy tape, one last time.

(If you're already a subscriber to my blog— and missed the first porno-give-away, please do email me, with the same address and subject line as I describe below, and I'd be happy to include you in the panda-porni-monium!)

One final thing— we could make this even more fun. After you subscribe and watch your movie, email me and send your review. I’ll post your critique right here, in our erotic-film corner; we’ll start "The Mystery 2000 Porno Theater Circle."

If you send me a review, keep it to about 500 words or less— some of you may only want to use five— and we'll all enjoy it!

Subscription How-To

When you click on my subscribe link, you will be taken to a Paypal site.

You will be asked if you want to pay $5 a month to Susie Bright's Journal. You can pay either by credit card (MC/Visa) or from your Paypal bank account, if you have one.

You press a couple buttons and voila, it's over! It doesn't take more than a couple minutes.

After you subscribe— this is important— you need to send me your snail mail address so I can send you your special gift!

Write to me, and in the subject line, write:  "Susie X Present". Then type like this:

Mr or Mrs Wonderful
123 Your Street
Town, ST Zip

I will cut that out and use it as your label, so please type your address just like that.

What if you change your mind about your subscription?
Cancel it. Paypal makes it easy, anytime you like. I tested it!

What if you live outside the U.S.? 
It's simple, there's no extra fees that rip either of us off.

Who's paying the freight and shipping costs?
I am. I'm the Chief Bottle Washer, too. I usually pick a day every two weeks to ship a whole bunch at once. I'll write you right away to let you know when it's in the mail!

But what if:

You want to send me a check... you want to send me more than I've asked for... you want to send me a year all at once... you hate Paypal... you can't do recurring payments... you don't use credit cards...  you want to send me cash, etc.?

GO HERE. There is still hope.

Looking forward to your porno critique!

P.S. What if I run out of blue movies? You know, that hasn't happened before when I offered a subscription premium. But I will update this post if it does! I always wish thousands of people would subscribe, but it's usually just A Few Fabulous Ones who step up to the plate! See you in the inner circle!

Miller's Daughter Says MOO

I'm over the moon about my MOO cards.

Have you seen these? I hate to call them "business cards," 'cause they're too cool for that. They are my exclusive, teeny-tiny, calling cards.

I've already made... three sets. I can't stop. They are creamy to the touch, just the right weight, the reproduction is incredible, and I want to eat them!

Anybody can make these cards, in minutes. You start by picking out any collection of your own photos (jpgs) that you like. In my case, I have a collection at my Flickr home.

You can pick one or a hundred different images to begin. Then you go to Moo, and tell them to upload those photos and turn them into little 2 3/4 x 1 1/8 cards. The size is like a fat stick of gum. You can crop each photo, or zoom in, anyway you like.

You may write up to six lines of text on the back, in different fonts and colors. I have my name and contact info, as well as the automatic link to the specific photo... but you could print anything. Or nothing. You can also add an icon there— mine is Lewis Carroll's famous portrait of young Alice.

Here's the insane part: it's $20 for 100 cards. They come in a groovy box; everything is recycled goods, from England, faster than I can get a letter to New York most of the time. How do they do it?

My excuse for making so many sets of photos is that I'm going to a trade show for women's sex shop owners next month, and it's de rigeur to hand out your card. But I have extras.... so do you want some?

If you subscribe to my blog— remember, it's my birthday this Sunday!— or make any sort of similar donation, I will send you:

• a handful of my foxiest MOO cards,
• a BAE 2007 ebook,
• and a free-month golden ticket for my In Bed podcast

Plus lots and lots of luv!

Subscribe, at $5 measly dollars a month: Link

Snail mail, for the old school supporters: Susie Bright, POB 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061

Whichever method you pick, send me an email, with your:

Name
Address
City ST Zip

—Just like that, so I can mail your gifts promptly!

If you're ALREADY a subscriber, I'm happy to "moo" you too; just send me your snail mail again, with a request for the cards, and I'll get them to you before Easter!

Here's some vital statistics: Approximately 3,000 people subscribe to this blog by email alert. Another 4000+ get my new posts by RSS. And another ~3,000 people arrive from who-knows-where every day. (I love Latvia!) Plus, there's several hundred other bloggers who subscribe to my blog feed, so my stories appear on their blog as new content.

Let's say, there's 7,000-10,000 people who read my writing every day, depending on the popularity of the post.

I would be thrilled if I could raise my regular subscribers to even one percent of my regular readers. That's my goal!

Do you wonder why your favorite regular bloggers stump for income? You can read the cold truth here, or you can consider the immortal line from Allan McConnell's book, Prisoner of X: 

When I was younger, you found your dad's Playboy; but at least your dad paid for that Playboy.

(That's Allan commenting on the financial stresses of free Internet content. MacDonell worked 20 years for Larry Flynt's Hustler empire, which is like the Exxon of the adult business... read it and weep, porn toilers and troublers!)

I appeal to those of you who have enjoyed this blog, who've read it more than thrice— who occasionally buy a magazine or book, go to the movies, or carry a bad burrito habit. Let me  be your next "carné asada con todo!"  I'd like a Moo card of that...

The Miller's Daughter Asks Nosy Questions

To All My Regular Readers, Sober Critics, and Tender Friends:

I've been thinking about you. After all, it's my birthday month. I've tried some new things on my blog since the new year started, and I need feedback!

(BTW, you can comment here anonymously, no problem. Just give yourself a nom de plume and a fake email address like anon@anonymous.com. Or, if you really can't bear to post here, email me!).

Here's some questions on my mind:

1. Do you like my podcast excerpts from my In Bed show? Would you like more, less, or is it just right?

2. Do you like hearing erotic stories every week from Best American Erotica?

3. Do you enjoy the videos I screen on the blog? They're usually sexy, funny, unusual, or all three. More or less in that area?

4. I love to write commentary on current events, news, media. My timing isn't as johnny-on-the-spot as a full-time news blog. Is that a problem? Do you like the sexual politics? Do you wish I would do more, less, or keep it at the same level?

5. Sex advice... That's a hard one. I've written so much "Susie Sexpert" stuff, in hundreds of books and magazines over the years. I always think, "this isn't new." What do you think? Do you want more "advice," and if so, what kind?

6. Movie reviews. Book reviews. Porn reviews, Music. Toys. Cooking. Sewing. I've done them all here. Is there one of more of those topics you'd like to hear more about from me?

7. I've been running regular interviews with writers, mostly from Best American Erotica, although they are quite a diverse group of journalists, novelists, and muckrackers. Do you like those? More, Less, etc?

8. Do you want to hear more about the craft and process of erotic writing itself? Or publishing?

9. Do you like that my blog is a mixed bag, or do you get cranky that it's not about one thing all the time?

10. Many of you send me GREAT leads, URL's, and tips. Should I post them all, in an Open Thread grab bag, once a week? Or should I use Open Threads in a different way? I want to bring your excellent ideas MORE into this forum, but I just run out of time!

11. About commenting.. how do you like it? Do you feel welcome in our conversations here? What would make it more inviting for you?

12. What do you like to check out on my sidebars? I have widgets , Library Thing peeks into my library, reviews, search engines, comment clouds, blah-blah-blah. But what actually attracts you on the sidelines, if anything?

13. I'd like to know, if you get my blog posts through a RSS feed, or through one of my email alerts, or do you just bookmark me on your browser and check me out every once in a while?  Should I post more than once a day, or are single daily postings ideal?

14. Do you subscribe to my blog, for $5/month? Do you feel like contributing to the blog's support? What would work for you, if you think it's a decent deal? I have one-time donation buttons, subscribe buttons, and some people even send me a check in the mail.

Wanna know what I really, really, want for my birthday? Your subscription!

15. What haven't I asked you, that I ought to be asking? I want to nurture this baby. I can move really quickly on things that inspire me, so go ahead and be bossy!

It's Not Just You— It Really Is The Worst Day of the Year

According to the latest and brightest mathematical formulas, today sucks.

Yes, today is very likely the date that Dorothy Parker wrote:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

According to the Late January Biochemists, today's formula for perfect misery is: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.

Works like a charm, doesn't it?

W is the foul weather. D is your insane amount of debt. T is the time passed since your meltdown at Christmas. I'm not sure— because confidence isn't my strong suit this month— but I believe the M is for the New Year's resolution motivations you've given up on.

Studies show that if you were a butterball chain-smoking dope fiend on the first of the month, you really haven't budged an inch.

There's a remedial web site to advise you on how to beat these Late-Juno Blues, but I'm not going to link it here. It's too depressing.

"Run a mile," it says. "Write a list of everything you should be grateful for." "Curl up and watch The Sound of Music."

How 'bout if I ring up whoever compiled this list and tell them to FUCK OFF?  I'm smiling already.

I have my own suggestions. Lay down the noose, darling, and try this out:

1. Subscribe to my blog.

2. In return, I'll send you a free copy of Best American Erotica 2007, lovingly autographed.

3. Plus, I'll send you a Clits Up! button because I Wuv You.

Come one, come all— how can you pass up an autographed copy of the brand-spanking-new Best American Erotica 2007, where you can read about "The Lolita Backlash" and lose yourself in mindblowing short stories by authors like Octavia Butler, Dennis Cooper, Jessica Cutler, and Kathryn Harrison. If Dorothy Parker was alive, she'd eat this up! Get on it before next week, cause I might run out.

Why will this gimmick relieve your depression?

Giving to others always lifts your spirits. Secondly, when you receive a gift in return for your selfless generosity, your ego starts to swell. Finally, when that gift is something that no one else has yet because it's in advance of the official launch date, you get to be a smug member of a very exclusive club. BAE doesn't drop into stores until silly little February.

All of a sudden, late January is looking very sweet.

Here's the rules: (following odd little rules is also a helpful distraction from depression)

Subscribe to my blog for $5/month using Paypal: Link

You can "subscribe" as many times as you want.

Or, you can snail-mail me a donation check, for at least $7, to Susie Bright, Depression Special, P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061.

Whatever your method, follow up with an email to me, (Subject line: Depression Special), and give me your address like this:

Name
Address
City, ST ZIP

I will assemble the brown paper packages tied up with string and you'll be on your manic upswing in no time!

(If you're outside the US, send me your email, and I'll send you an ebook instead. I'm sorry, but the shipping costs and nosy prude customs officers ruin my earnest attempts to spoil you by snail mail).

WHY?— you ask, do I need subscriptions for this blog?  The rather convincing reasons are here: Link.

Now, everybody! Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Photo by the increasingly upbeat Nichole M. Song by the incandescent John Coltrane.

Susie Swamps Salvation Army Fund Drive

Okay, not quite! But my little fund appeal did have its own excitement and drama; enough that I thought I'd share the more curious details with you.

First of all, don't panic— I still have more Clits Up! buttons and erotica to give away,* and more books to share with you as my thanks for your subscription.

If you'd like to subscribe to this blog and be part of the Inner Pink Circle, click here, and I'll send you your jewelry and autographed bible on the double.

Those of you who are waiting by the mailbox, panting— your prize is almost there. I made one big shipment last Wednesday, and another one today.

About eighty people contributed to my subscription drive, anywhere from $5 to $100. About 10,000 people saw my appeal. That's a pitiful "return rate," if I compared it to, say, a standard response to a Victoria's Secret catalog.

But I was exuberant! I think it was a great start. A lot has changed in readers' perceptions of blog journalism since I started my journal in 2004. I think I need to be a little less shy about inviting donations/subscriptions. I'm always worried about being "crass," but there must  be a reasonable zone between "once a year" and blaring at people all day. I have to keep reminding myself, "I LIKE to support my favorite writers and artists directly... so I can't be the only one."

For those of you who missed it, here's your special guilt trip of the day: If you thought everyone ELSE was going to make a couple bucks donation, so you wouldn't be missed, think again! The Inner Pink Circle is crying because you're not here yet. If you can't remember why I'm raising funds, read The Facts of BlogLife. I wish I could laugh and say it was for shoes and buttplugs, but it's far more serious.

Now back to my report:

The average donation I received was $15. I had suggested $5, so that blew me away. In total, I made about $1500, which after two years of blogging was quite bracing.

My favorite part was discovering where you all live! I got far more donations from small towns, suburbs— and even islands— than I did from big cities.

I was excited about the three people from Oklahoma... do they know each other? There was another cluster in North Carolina, the Florida Keys, and a strong Canadian showing. Texas was not only generous, but also wrote the funniest letters. The Northern California Bay Area provided the most contributions— eleven— but only one of them was from San Francisco, and NONE from Berkeley... what's the world coming to?

Only two people from New York City made an appearance. The Northwest was well-represented. Madison, Wisconsin weighed in significantly— really, just about one person from every Midwestern state. A single loner from Maine dropped in, but otherwise I was ignored by the woods north of Boston.

I don't know what to make of all this, and I'd love to hear your theories. Fifty-three women sent money, versus twenty-seven men. That's an interesting reversal from the comments here, where men are in the majority of blabbers.

I don't know the age of my subscribers— that would be another interesting question. Feel free to offer it up!  In public appearances, I see a wide range, but you could make a generalization that it's largely women younger than me, and men older than me.

While I was processing the various payments from Amazon, Paypal, and Typepad, I made another discovery, which is that Paypal allowed me to set up a "subscription" option, which you can click and sign up to send $5 a month for a year, just like it was Ladies Home Journal... I love this!

I think $5 per month sounds about right... it's like taking me out for a drink, or what you'd spend at the supermarket for a couple magazines which you only read for one article: like which underwear Britney's going to wear for her divorce hearing.

Actually, *I* should write that story. I was always intrigued by Spears' penchant for communicating her feelings with simple words on her t-shirts and the butt of her sweatpants. I just know she's the kind of girl who likes "day of the week" underwear— and so do I, even though I always wanted some bitchier alternatives. 

I don't think our little divorceé is quite ready for the "Worn Out Slut" thong set— her work is not done! But the Big Girl Panties are waiting for Britney to strap on— not a moment too soon.

So, what have I done with all my cash? I went to the post office and bought a drawer full of postage! That ought to last a few months. I bought toner cartridges for my perfect, economical laser printer. (There has been so much criticism of this thing that it doesn't print color well, but I am delighted by it in every way. No more inkjet bullshit!). My big excitement purchase was a Wacom tablet, to relieve some of the stress on my RSI. I suppose every prolific blogger's financial goal is to have weekly visits to a physical therapist.

In the future, what I will do with subscription funds? It's like running a small magazine.  I want to make a daily, (and even twice-daily), well-designed and secure web journal that does its work consistently— with the kind of stories that make you feel like writing "yippie-skippee" on your shorts.

The last thing to say is THANK YOU, so much. The notes that all you sent with your address meant just as much to me as the funds. I love hearing what you like about this blog, or what you want, or that you are lurker— all confessions welcome. Tell me your birthdate next time,  and we'll do a astrological survey!

Photo by Nicole Musser.

Clits Up Buttons Here!

Those Salvation Army bells are at it again. I know I shouldn't take it out on the deranged soul who's flogging their little red bucket, but I contemplate handing them a card that says:

"I'm not giving one scarlet penny to an evangelical Christian monolith whose last great media splash was rescinding benefits to their gay employees."

I should be out there at the post office myself, right next to them, with my purple bucket and pink fright wig, asking for donations to my blog. I serve good soup and expert sexual opinion to all! 

This Xmas, I, too, would like to prey upon your good will and generosity. Or, I'll appeal to your vanity and lust— you pick. Whatever you choose, I need your donations to publish this blog.

I also happen to have some extra, final copies of the best short stories and erotica you'll find this year: Best American Erotica 2006.

Let's put these two things together!

You send a $5 (or more) donation to my blog, and I'll send you a copy of the erotica, and, a Clits Up! button that will drive your friends and family MAD with envy.

Just want the button? Fine, send that $5-plus my way, and it shall be yours.

Here's how you part with your hard-earned cash:

If you'd like to subscribe to my blog for one year, for $5 a month, click HERE. Then send me your address to mail your book and button! Monthly subscribers will get regular treats, undying gratitude, and foxy karma.

If you want to send me an old-fashioned check, mail it to: Susie Bright-Xmas, P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061 with your instructions.

Please give as much as you can. $5.00 is my modest minimum. It costs me about $2 to send the book and button out. Think about the coffees, movies, books, sex toys, and chocolate you've enjoyed over the past year, and compare it to whatever thrills or insights you've gained from reading this blog. Staggering, eh?

Why do I even ask for donations? You can read all the reasons. And what about my advertising? It's critical too. It's also cheap. If you'd rather advertise than donate, I'd be curious to see what you're selling, and we'll both make income.

But who cares about all that when you could get a riveting book— (Coyote's Erotic Email. Stalin's Mustache in the sack! Insatiable blond piano teachers! Tom Perrotta, John Updike, and Fifteen Minutes in a Groupie Band Shag!)— plus you'll be wearing the button that everyone wants to be seen in this winter.

Thank you, and big mistletoe hickeys,

Susie

Thanks to Cory for the photo that says it all!

For People Who Love This Blog and Are Just a Little Bit Different

Do you want to subscribe or donate to my blog, but need something off-the-beaten-path?

Let me describe the other alternatives:

• You want to subscribe to my blog with a personal check—

That's great, I love getting your mail!

My address is:

Susie Bright Journal
POB 8377
Santa Cruz, CA 95061

Any U.S. bank-account holder can send me a check or money order.

Please include your snail mail and email address when you write me, so I can send you a thank-you present, and email you if there's any questions.

My subscriptions are $5 a month, $60 a year, or $30 for six months.

I'm sorry I can't accept checks, or money or postal orders from outside the US. The transaction fees are prohibitive.

• You want to subscribe to my blog one time a year, with one annual bill—

Fine with me! It's $60 per annum.  Click here:

• You live in some wonderful place outside the U.S. and hope that I can ship swag to you—

International shipping costs and predatory customs agents have ruined attempts I've made to ship my swag out of the country. I am SO SORRY.

What I can do, is send your thank-you gift to any friend of yours in the U.S. who will hold it, or transport it, for you.

When I offer an e-book gift to my subscribers, I'm happy to send you the digital file! That always works. I have so many supporters from around the world, I want to include you anytime I can.

One last thing: Never send me a check or money order from overseas. The U.S. Banks charge such a high fee to deposit it, they end up taking nearly all your money. Paypal works great, however, for international subscribers—  no unsightly bank charges.

• You hate Paypal and need a subscription alternative—

If you live in the US, you can send me a check. See the top!

You can send me a donation at Amazon with a credit card: LINK

You can give Paypal a second chance, like I did. It's been a "whole new world" the past couple years.

• You want to send me more support than a monthly $5 subscription—

Thank you so much! You can make a donation anytime to my Amazon Donation Account here: LINK.

• You prefer not to use credit cards—

if you're a member of Paypal, you can use their easy service to subscribe to my blog monthly, and they will send funds direct from your bank account.

Or, you can send me a check... see my details on top!

• You prefer not to use direct withdrawls from your banking account—

You can use a major credit card on Paypal to subscribe monthly, without submitting any account info.

Or, you can send me an old-fashioned check, details on top.

• You want to send cash or postage stamps for your subscription—

Well, go right ahead!

Send me your email and snail mail in your envelope, so I can acknowledge your letter and let you know it made it to my mailbox.

If you don't hear from me within three weeks, I would say it's been swiped/lost. I 've not had any problems with this method, but very few people have tried it! Your risk, but much appreciated.

Thank you for supporting this blog, and being part of our community, any way you choose. I love to see you here!

Clits up,

Susie

Miller's Daughter: In the Thick of It

Whew— ever since I made the decision to post every weekday, come hell or high ejaculation waters, I've been impressed with my self-discipline but also terrified about how I'm supposed to take a day off.

For example, I have to drive up to  the SheShamans gathering this week, and who knows what condition I'll be in when I return!

For my immediate strategy, I'll post a couple of past favorite stories for the next couple days.

I worry about reprints, because I don't want to bore you. From my small tests in this regard, it seems like most of of my readers here are encountering my "old" stories for the first time. I haven't heard yet from my "fantasy complainer": the person who's read everything I've published in the past twenty-five years and is ready to bust a gut over my laziness.

What are your thoughts about posting stories that first appeared on paper, but have never been on the web?

Some of my friends have asked, why did I decide to post everyday? Because it makes such a huge difference in the traffic. And the traffic adds to a much livelier conversation, the attention of a few advertisers and donations, and an sense of overall community that is inspiring to me.

As we discussed here before, there's no blueprint, not even a rough sketch, for how a writer is supposed to make a living on the web, or in the blogosphere.

All that's clear is that the old blueprint, the standards for how to make a living as a freelance periodical writer, or book author, is in shreds. The strength I get from doing this, creatively, will eventually allow me to hoist myself over the ledge and see the other side.

How much do I want, what is fair? Well, if you've read a few things here and enjoyed them, found it thought-provoking, fun, sympathetic, stimulating, I think you should press that button and put some coins in my hat.

$2 for a week or two? $5 for a month? $10 for a few months, $20 for a year? An Amazon wish list item, a BlogAd for something you want to sell or promote?

My comparison is that I think of how much more interesting my blog has been the past week than the average copy of US Weekly, more penetrating than my local newspaper, more filling than flax. 

The way one is supposed to solicit donations is to regularly run pledge drives and reminders, like public radio does. But I need a hardier spinner to run my pledge drive, because I find it nerve-racking to bring up the subject at all. I meant to post a donation request every month, but I keep cringing.

What do you think? How often should I post a reminder, so it isn't an annoying pain in the ass? Is there a clever "design" way of handling solicitations that are effective but less bothersome to the regulars?

While I'm asking, please do comment here if you wish I would do more of one thing— or less of another— or if you know about some brilliant blog tool that I should employ. I know many of you are more experience than I, and at least as opinionated!

Onto the acid tests,

Susie

Photo by Cookie Andrews Hunt, of Susie at Living in Leather founding convention. If you were there, write me! A mutual friend is writing a book about the whole history of the NLA.

Dear Santa

Last night I went to Shar and Jackie's house, and they had paper stockings hung by the hearth, each with a handwritten list of someone's Xmas wish list.

I always feel shy to make such a wish list myself, but I love reading other people's, because now I have some new ideas about what would twirl their eggnog.

They have inspired me. I'm going to tell you what I really, really want:

1. Donations to my blog.  I want to cover the blog bill, the broadband bill, the site storage bill, the computer repair guru bill, and all the other overhead that's over my head!

2. Ads for my blog. I want ads from cool people, promoting wonderful things. I just wrote to Typepad telling Kanoodle to get the fucking penis enlargment pills off my site. I turned down an ad from a gentleman who says he has the "secret" to a perpetual hardon. SHUT IT! I want real people advertising real things. Your new book, movie, candy recipe. Therapy, car repair, hand massage.  Something real. Thank you.

3. A laser printer. Can't afford Mr. Ink Jet anymore.

4. An Airport Express. (Wow, thank you, Santa!  Is now up and running!)

5. An External Drive.

6. A Web Designer. Just an hour or two. Do me. (Multiple Santa's Called... I love you!)

7. A spot on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

8. Fabric. Italian. Or Not. Something You'd Want to Slip Thru Your Legs.

9. Donations. To turn the heat on. Or go solar. Something!

10. Revolution in My Lifetime. Whirled Peas or Die Trying. Baby Needs New Shoes.

What are you asking Santa for this year?