Susie Bright's Journal

The Day My Momma Socked It To the FCC

Today's lyrics are dedicated to Michael Powell and His Book-Cookers at the FCC. 

It turns out that Powell has been exaggerating just a teeny bit about how many Americans are mortally offended by the stuff they see on Monday Night Football and prime-time reality shows.

When he claimed that millions of Americans were rending their garments with moral anguish over the depths that television has sunk to, he actually only meant...

Three.

Three Americans.  And I bet they were just offended as all get out.  If you count Michael, that makes four. Why not speak for everyone else, when they so clearly know better?

Here's the evidence... read it and weep.

Meanwhile, I bet you remember this tune from 1967... a song that couldn't get airplay today because it's so damn indecent:

I wanna tell you all a story 'bout a Harper Valley widowed wife
Who had a teenage daughter who attended Harper Valley Junior High
Well her daughter came home one afternoon and didn't even stop to play
She said, "Mom, I got a note here from the Harper Valley P.T.A."

The note said, "Mrs. Johnson, you're wearing your dresses way too high
It's reported you've been drinking and a-runnin' 'round with men and going wild
And we don't believe you ought to be bringing up your little girl this way"
It was signed by the secretary, Harper Valley P.T.A.

Well, it happened that the P.T.A. was gonna meet that very afternoon
They were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson wore her mini-skirt into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard, I still recall the words she had to say
She said, "I'd like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A.

"Well, there's Bobby Taylor sittin' there and seven times he's asked me for a date
Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he's away
And Mr. Baker, can you tell us why your secretary had to leave this town?
And shouldn't widow Jones be told to keep her window shades all pulled completely down?

"Well, Mr. Harper couldn't be here 'cause he stayed too long at Kelly's Bar again
And if you smell Shirley Thompson's breath, you'll find she's had a little nip of gin
Then you have the nerve to tell me you think that as a mother I'm not fit
Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites."

No I wouldn't put you on because it really did, it happened just this way
The day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.

Thanksgiving Insomnia

There's nothing like waking up on a holiday morning at 4 AM with an urge to fidget with your blog. I  upgraded my Typepad blog subscription to a fancier model-- I wonder how many people get this impulse in the middle of the night?

Now I can post photo albums, and I quickly threw one together of favorite pictures from my book Nothing But The Girl. NBTG is the only photo book I ever published, with Jill Posener.

We had quite a time with our British publisher, Cassell. They were so embarrassed by the book's erotic content that they didn't put their name on the edition! This, despite the fact the book won prestigious awards, was reviewed by the most la-di-da art journals, and is beloved by everyone who's lucky enough to own a copy.

It turned out that Cassell was the designated publisher for the Vatican, and for some reason, the boss didn't notice that they might have a conflict of interest until we had finished our book.  Then they were eager to hide it away!

The hardcover copies are hard to find, but you can still find the paperback easily. It is gorgeous... the most beautiful book I've ever made. The women photographers we profiled genuinely changed the whole notion of what an erotic photograph means, and how women are seen through the lens.

I also changed the format of my blog to three columns, as you can see. I had SO many items on my old right-hand sidebar, that it was overwhelming...  I thought the three columns would balance it out a bit better.

I know— it's so pink. That was the ready-made template I chose because it has column borders, which I approve of. But the style only demonstrates this color scheme!  The rose is  easy on the eyes, for readability, but is it too much?

I wish they had a "cooler" version of this same template, but I'm going to have to hunt around for another role model. Typepad lets you edit your designs from scratch, but it takes forever to use the trial and error method if you're not a Graphics Expert With an MFA... I'd rather tweak something that's already a solid composition.

I'm thankful to discover blogging this year, at a time when I would otherwise be seriously down in the dumps. I can't believe that this thing rose from the ashes of my profound post-election blues!

I've even thought of changing the name of my blog from Susie Bright's Journal to Susie Bright's Silver Lining. What do you think?

Yesterday I called the social workers, nurses, and hospice care folks who've been taking care of my mom since this spring. I am more thankful to them then anyone. I want to send them something from California, something they would never find in Minnesota in a million years... let me know if you have any Midwestern insights on the subject.

Today we're going to make pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and cheesecake.  I'm going to wear my red wool jersey dress that I made last night, with a frilly cocktail apron my mom gave me many years ago. I have the urge to burn marshmallows on top of something. I think there should be a whole separate Thanksgiving meal for desserts.

I hope you are well-fed this holiday, and warm among friends and  decent heating system. I want to go see movies and drink eggnog until I'm in a lactose stupor— or at least until I can sleep through the night.

Filling the Void in My Life with Sex-- No, Make That Chocolate

I just got an email from a guy named Richard today that sent me 'round the bend:

"You admit to being an atheist, a bisexual— and while you did not say that you are in an open marriage, you allude to the fact that you are not in a traditionally monogamous relationship. Do you feel people such as yourself are trying to fill some void in their lives with sex? Is there some emptiness inside of you that you try to fill by having sex with both men and women, by not committing to one person for a lifetime, by exploring all aspects of sex?I am just trying to understand what drives some people into a life like this."

Well, gee whiz, he hurt my feelings!  I wrote him back, even though I said to myself, "Susie, he is just a troll, don't fall for it!"  But I was having a sensitive day...

I wrote:

"I am, as you say, an atheist, a bisexual, and do not have a traditional pledge of monogamous marriage. However, I would say that what my life is filled with right now is not "hot exciting shenanigans," but rather raising my daughter, repairing my old house with my partner of 15 years, helping each other with our jobs, attending to my mom's dying, taking long walks with my dog to clear my mind of all the heaviness, being politically active in my small town, and sewing like a demon when I get the chance. I love my partner  so dearly, and the moments we get to be alone in bed and talk at the end of the day, or just goof off,  are my favorite part of the 24 hour spin."

So what do you think he writes back to me?????

I quote:

"Thank you for writing back. Now I have a question of a more personal nature.

"My wife and I have been married for ten years and I love her dearly, but our sex life is  lacking. My wife was sexually abused as a child and has issues that I may never fully understand. I have tried to be supportive but I often feel as though I am being punished for the sins of others.

"I do not think that I am overly sexual, but compared to my wife my libido is through the roof. Do you have any suggestions that might help our love life? My wife and I can discuss the issue which I think is very good, but I just can't seem to get her interest in sex up. Also, my wife has fantasies, involving other men. I know this should not bother me, especially since she says these men are just generic, not me she knows, but it does. I would appreciate some advice."

!!!!!

This is what I mean about prudes picking a fight with you, only to find out that they have some desperate sex problem of their own, troubling them to death.  This guy never once says, "Gee, I'm sorry I acted like you were some incomprehensible sex junkie nihilist— I guess you're a human being too. May I get on my knees, beg your forgiveness, and ask how to fix my sexless marriage?"

No, he just jumps right in, ready to get his fix. This reminds me of guys who want free phone sex from the AT&T operator. Work that angle, buddy!  As soon as I get back from my empty life, I'll get right on your marriage counseling session! 

Suggestions?  My suggestion is to go to shrink and ask them if there is any way they can implant empathy.  And what should I say about his wife's fantasies about other men? Hand me the ten foot pole— please!

You know, I actually wrote to my hero, Miss Manners (Judith Martin) once, to ask her what I should do when I got letters like this. I am so afraid of being impolite, of not being the gracious, helpful sex educator— but inside I  SEETHE. 

Miss Manners answered me the very next week, and it is one of the highlights of my publishing career!  As you might imagine, she told me to TOSS those nutty letters out and stop reading the stuff.   She was quite passionate because I think she's like me:  she gets a lot of letters from people who just go TOO FAR.

Oh man, I just thought of something really.... evil. I could give Richard's address out to all of you, and you could ALL give him your "suggestions" on how to bring the JOY OF SEX back into his marriage. Just don't forget to emphasize to him that you want to "understand what drives some people into a life like this."

What would Joan Jett do?  What would you do?

Sacred Texts and Snappy Answers at Your Fingertips

Now that everyone in the U.S. is getting a post-election crash course on Scriptural interpretations, it's a great time to tell you about a site that is literally, out of this world.

It's called the Internet Sacred Texts Archive, "a quiet place in cyberspace devoted to religious tolerance and scholarship."

This site contains all the sacred texts that you could possibly think of, as original and varied as they can be. My pal John Bruno Hare is the tireless genius behind this project.

Just to give you an idea of what this man has wrought,  Bruno recently posted on his site that he is "proofing the Mahabharata Book 12, which totals 974 pages in length. I have now completed the first section of this, the first 380 pages." 

But while he's finishing that Mahabharata business, you can carry on with the hundreds of other categories, from Alchemy to Zoroastrianism! The primary texts are in all their glory.  It is so fascinating, I  have to warn you that you may start reading the Bible, but end up in Tolkien, Serbian myths,  or Confucianism, as the hours wax on .

Bruno wrote me today:

"I've posted a new part of sacred-texts.com several months ago dealing with the LGBT people and various scriptures, particularly the Bible:

"I thought you might want to check this out because it has comprehensive responses to the fundamentalists use (or mis-use) of the Bible.

"For instance, there is a genuine same-sex union in the Bible, that of David and Jonathan.  Jesus never says one word about gays (let alone gay marriage), one way or the other.The sin of Sodom was, depending on which interpretation you use,  either being disrespectful to strangers, or oppressing the poor.

"Anyway, it's nice to have this material at one's fingertips if you want to give some bible thumper a coronary. It is possible to respond to this line of reasoning by fundies, on their own grounds, and win the argument. Why let them own this material?

"I also did e-texts of several of Edward Carpenter and John Addington Symonds books , who were pioneer gay rights advocates in the 19th century. The page also deals with other religions' sacred texts and LGBT issues, including Islam and Hinduism."

Thank you so much, Bruno!  Whenever I visit his site, I feel like I want to drop whatever I'm doing and just devote myself to reading every single thing on his list. Or create a school where this is what we pursued from A-Z. The Sacred Text Homeschool!

I'm going to ask Bruno to come and comment here, because I bet he gets a lot of mail from  readers, wanting to know WHICH Bible or WHICH editor he's using for all his texts. Authorship is everything, eh?

Porn Exasperation Results

I got so many intriguing replies to my Porno Yard Sale announcement! Here are some of the offers that I received by email, which you didn't get to see in the Comments before:

"I'm a nursing student; if you mail me a box of porn, I promise to use the resulting sexual energy to renew myself so that I can care for my patients with a smile on my face. I'll pay you shipping and some freshly baked cookies. How's that?"

My partner is a nursing student and EMT too! You've definitely pulled my heartstrings... Your sexual renewal sounds like a top priority to me.

"I sell Avon & have all kinds of backstock laying around...need a Dora the Explorer nightgown for a two-year-old?  Got it...  Cocktail diamond cluster ring in size 8 ? Got it...  I have lotions, fragrances, lots of mascara, incense, candles, christmas decorations... I prefer lesbian- themed items, but i love you so much, it wouldn't matter what you sent!"

Ohmigod, what is it about lesbians selling Avon?  I have NEVER met a straight Avon rep— am I unusual? I love big gaudy cocktail rings in Size 8...oooo, your offer made me feel so greedy.

"If you are willing to ship it up to Seattle, I'll get as much as I can into the Wet Spot Library Archives. Our librarian loves finds like this, and we are branching into most media forms."

The Wet Spot is an extraordinary sex club in Seattle open to any reasonable person, for parties, workshops, community, etc. I've donated stuff to them before— and thank you Peter, I'm going to do it again!

"This note is as pertains the boxes of porn that you found in your office. As an aside, I must say that I wish I could find boxes of porn in my office, my day would go much faster. I am an honest lurker on your site since it's existed, and a big fan of your writing. I live in Israel. The bottom line here is that you can't get feminist erotica in Israel. The genre doesn't exist in Hebrew, and the Anglo market isn't big enough. I have yet to see On Our Backs  in the only gay friendly sex shop in the country, and the mainstream bookstores don't seem to carry Best Erotica series. I have to wait for my infrequent trips across the Atlantic to stock up. I say this not for pity points, only for background information. Yeah, right."

You do indeed have my sympathies. But sending sex stuff overseas is so hard... you have to disguise it, or Customs takes it away. I have lost so much of my work to British and Canadian customs it is ridiculous. Where do they hide it all?

"The On Our Backs mags would be innaresting to me as well. Like a lot of straight people, I like watching gay people of the opposite sex get it on, and all things being unequal, I'd rather check out OOB than some sub-idiot-level "men's magazine"'s somewhat jaded idea of what lesbians do in their spare time."

I got a lot of email requests about On Our Backs, including people who'd never heard of it. Wow! I thought it was more of a legend. Well, it's a magazine that I edited from 1984 - 1990, "Entertainment for the Adventurous Lesbian." I've never felt the same about it since I left, but it still is very different from commercial porn...it really is put together by dykes with attitude, and that's worth something nowadays.

"My boyfriend would love to find audiosmut in his stocking next month."

You are such a good girlfriend to be planning ahead!

"Payment? How about a big juicy smack on the ass?"

No thanks! I fell on my ass yesterday in a bakery parking lot... No kidding;  this insane gust of wind blew me over,  my croissant whirled away, and I cried like a cake left out in the rain.

"What I'd like to offer is a $20 donation made in your name to any of the following organizations: Amnesty International, Red Cross, Hospice of Michigan, Planned Parenthood, ACLU, Democratic National Committee, Oakland County Food Bank, or WDET (Detroit Public Radio)."

I used to live in Detroit, back when the Livonia Courts found me a "menace to society,"  so you have pushed my sympathy button as well. For heaven's sake, don't send any donations in my name to the DNC!  I am very keen on you supporting your local hospice, food bank, and WNET, however— what a nice gesture.

Your letters have made me toss and turn, but here's my final decision:

One woman wrote me, Amy, who offered me exactly what I wanted. She said she would take everything, in one shipment, and pay me up to $100 including postage, which is about $35. Amy, we'd all love to find out what you end up doing with this stuff!

However, I just can't ignore all the other desperate pleas.  No one goes home without a cookie.

For all of you who wrote me, I will send you something for free-- a signed book or audiotape/CD, whichever you like.

I would only ask you to cover my shipping costs, which you can do by making a  $5 donation to my site.  (See the Amazon donation box on my sidebar, at the bottom). Let me know before Nov 30, so I can get it all done and out of my hair.

Send me your shipping address, and as soon as I see the postage paid from the Amazon link, I'll send you your stocking stuffer.

I can't believe I'm offering to do shipping, after I told you how much I hate it! Did I mention I was once fired from a giftwrapping job at Xmas, in Louisville, Kentucky, because my boss said she caught me swearing in the back room and it "just wasn't ladylike"?  You see how traumatized I am.

You may wonder what I am going to do what my Blog donations. Well, if I get any, I need to pay to upgrade this site. I want the $8.95 a month version, instead of the $4.95 version. That would enable me to put up photo albums. I also want to try this service that would allow me to post audio entries...that sounds cool. I need to create some graphics that I need expert help with... labor costs. I have to figure out a way to integrate this blog with my static site, where all my longstanding links are. I want to buy another crossiant for the one that blew away.... no, never mind about that.

If you are not a writer, you might wonder, "Well, gosh, don't you make a good enough living from your royalties to pay for your little hobbies?"

If you are a writer, you are rolling on the floor laughing at that one. Our business is in freefall. The great many of us who are not in the NYTimes Top Ten are wondering what the heck we are going to do if we are not one of the rare few under the patronage of a rich nobleman. 

My Amazon donation link is not going to pay my gas bill, but I do relish the notion that it could pay my blog bill, and that would be a start...  Thank you thank you thank you for any of your pennies in the tip jar!

By the way, I'm starting this category, "For Sale and Sometimes for Free," so that any of you who want to sell, buy, donate, trade whatever you like can come here and made your case!  I'm sure CraigsList would do a much better job of reaching the masses, but you might find a friend here, or trade some good stories. Thank you again for all your wonderful offers!

Susie Has a "Come To Jesus" Talk with Her Critics

This morning, a woman named Wendy added an upsetting comment to my post about the recent gay marriage referendums.

Wendy wrote: "The Bible tells us that being gay is wrong. There is no one in my family that is gay. Same-sex marriage is wrong. What has happened to decency in America? Everything is about sex these days. We need to get back on track before it is too late. God is watching over us and I only pray that more people come to Him. This is what I believe. You may take it or leave it but I felt the need to express it. "

Wendy's words have prompted me to make an editorial decision. I'm going to leave her comment up, as a perfect example of the trouble we're in. But for the future, I'll be editing these kind of comments out... this just isn't the forum for them. I've already erased several other less articulate religious manifestos, but I'm not even going to parse them anymore; they're  rude and irrelevant.

My blog is similar to a magazine, directed toward a certain audience, a particular wavelength. If I was running a blog about antique wooden furniture, I wouldn't entertain comments from zealots who wanted to promote plastic beanbags.

This is a blog for people who are attracted to the idea of a pluralistic society that encourages sexual creativity, insight, and empathy. It is not a site for fans of monotheism.

As you've seen already, there's lots of room for argument and controversy on my site— I've relished it enormously!— but I am not going to have a "Bible" debate here,  anymore that I would have a serious conversation about whether the earth is flat or slavery is a good idea.

As for Wendy, since I'm leaving her up, I'm going to allow myself this one rebuttal:

Dear Wendy,

Honey, WHAT are you doing here? I don't think your "God" would approve of you even reading Susie Bright's Journal! You might get corrupted; you might actually start thinking about sex, and you know that's the first step to having sex.

Your bible and your god are articles of  faith, not  fact. You don't even realize that millions of Christians don't share your belief about what the Bible teaches about sexuality. I myself "have faith" that if Jesus were alive today, he would be appalled at all your meanspiritedness. You know what group  Jesus thought was inexcusable? The wealthy! Not the poor, not the dispossessed, not the prostitutes, not the freaks!

You've been manipulated by preachers with political agendas who are utter hypocrites. Please don't die of shock when you find out that your leaders are the kinkiest people in town.

We agree on one thing: What HAS happened to American decency?

Everything is not about "sex" these days— everything is about money, with all  the greed, elitism,  and corruption that surround it. Stop worshiping the material world, and your prayers will be answered.

Finally, Wendy,  I would like to make you a rather materialistic bet. I just can't resist b/c I know I'll win, and I'd like to donate the funds to all my favorite causes. I might even buy a pair of new shoes.

I would like to bet you one BILLION ZILLION dollars that MORE THAN ONE of your family members is gay. And by gay I mean they have had same-sex erotic experiences, or significant same-sex fantasies. I am sure they haven't told you because you have made such a ignorant spectacle of yourself, they wouldn't want to endure your shame and fear. They may even be truly suffering if they are surrounded by other self-righteous relatives such as yourself.

P.S...
If you are on this homo-freak-out campaign because you—Wendy—are afraid that you might be attracted to women or gay men yourself— I implore you to climb down out of your tree and come into the light!  You wouldn't be the first person who was terrified into putting on a big act to hide their true selves. There are many sane and kind people down on the ground who can soothe your anguish, and show you that your spirituality and your sexuality are allies, not enemies. Don't keep doing this to yourself. Something ugly and vicious comes out of repression, and it will eat you alive.

Thank you, and for all you missionaries strangely scouring my site, Adieu! Please head over to Betty Bowers site, who is dying to have a loooooooong conversation with you!  She's  "America's Best Christian," and she has me in stiches!

Porn Exasperation Clearance Sale

I have been excavating my office this week. Going through it with a shovel. I've had it, I tell you, I'm ready for a bulldozer.

In my dig, I've found 20 hardcore XXXX-rated videos or DVDs that I have no interest in keeping. Are they bad? I have no idea. I had no time to watch them. I have no room to archive them. I am tired of living in a warehouse of unwatched, unread, unexamined erotica!

These movies are all state-of-the-art San Fernando Valley Porn of the first water, released this past year. Definitely a year's worth of enthusiastic masturbation of some kind. Want'em?  Write me. I'm having my first blog sale.

I don't really know how to have a blog sale... I'm motivated by impatience. I do not want to drive to San Francisco for four hours to sell them at The Magazine, (920 Larkin St, 415-441-7737) as wonderful as they are. I don't want to patiently photograph them and write sales pitches on E-bay. I don't want to make hors d'oeuvres for a party to offer them as favors. My new auto mechanic doesn't take them in trade for labor like the last one did. I just want them OUT.

Make me an offer!  I want to mail a box of porn to you... what's it worth? You tell me.

Also, in my "everything must go" sale:

I have a box of 50 sex magazines, mostly Playboys, On Our Backs and AVN.  A few of In Touch. Also some of those valuable Adam erotic film directories. All from the past year or so. I want to send someone the whole box. Name your price! 

Isn't this fun? I'm like the Priceline of Pornography. I only wish William Shatner would come and transport it all out of here. I need room to move my chair.

Finally, the weirdest item: Audio Erotica. Yes, on cassette tapes of all things! And even some CDs. I have Herotica, Herotica 2, Herotica 3, Cyborgasm One and Two, and a whole bunch of  cassettes of the talk I gave with Harriet Lerner and Mollie Katzen called Food, Sex and Relationships.  It was a big hit on NPR a few years ago. I want to put them all in a box and send to some needy family. Make me an offer!

What I DON'T want to do is separate my items into little piles and ship them out one at a time. My previous attempts to act as a shipping department are legendary for their lack of enthusiasm. At Xmas-time, I can barely get the presents out, not because I'm Grinchy, but because going to the post office drives me to the edge of despair.

 

UPDATE 5/1/07:  I ran out of everything in the first box, but  I've found another one... so let's unload these puppies! This time, I'm asking regular readers to subscribe for $5/month,  and let me thank you by sending you one of my little video gems!

 

To read the rest of Susie's history in erotic cinema and porn, check out: 

The Erotic Screen, Vol. 1: The Golden Hardcore and the Shimmering Dyke-Core 

 
Available at Amazon, B&N, & Smashwords. Here's the whole Table of Contents.

Interviews from the 1980s with legendary artists like Russ Meyer, John Leslie, Sharon Mitchell, Jeannie Pepper, Christopher Rage... and many more.

What Must Be Sewn

I'm a little embarrassed to write about my sewing in this blog. Sex, yes— vehement political positions, of course. But sewing? I love it so much— yet I'm a rank amateur and a screwball hobbyist.

Today, for example, I just barely managed to finish a wrap dress (that's a dress with a surplice bodice that crosses your breasts in a hopefully seductive and brilliant way). In the beginning, I  looked like I was modeling a frumpy  bathrobe. Now, I'm starting to look like I'm a foxy Russian Cossack. Improvement!

I have a couple recommendations for the budding, intoxicated Coco Chanel in all of you:

Patternreview.com

This is an awesome place started by a 29 year old software developer named Deepika...pictured on the left. She is a wonderful host. Members post photos of themselves in our newly made garments, and tell you the gritty details of how we made it all come together. I have posted two reviews under the name Quesie. The first  is a vicious rip on bad pattern by McCall's. It was more evil fun than writing a critical book review. The other one is about making  sexy cherry dress. It was fun for me to force myself to write in a G-rated manner about something so obviously seductive. And yes, this site is G-rated! I have never felt more wholesome and satisfied.

Sewing patterns have something in common with porn movies for sale:  you look at the pretty cover and have NO idea whether it's really any good. This site is a godsend because it exposes the duds and reveals the brilliant designs. I wish there was something this honest about sex movies.

Sandra Betzina

This woman is famous in the sewing world, and it's not only because of her talent, but also her integrity. If someone ever called me the Sandra Betzina of Sex, I would be so honored. She is dedicated to demystifying a lot of the quackery of fashion, and creating a real joy of self-expression in style and beauty. She could not care less about all the phony stuff, and she just loves women. Loves them. My idea of the perfect vacation is... sewing with her for a week. Now you know my most decadent secret.

BUST

Some of you may know that I quit writing my sex advice column for BUST, but I like to write occasionally for them about my sewing adventures. I found a kindred spirit in editor Debbie Stoller, who has revolutionized the knitting craze with her Stitch and Bitch books. She knows that being a sex maniac, a feminist revolutionary,  and a crafty bitch are quite complementary.

What Did You Learn in School Today?

Tom Paxton

1964

What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?

I learned that Washington never told a lie
I learned that soldiers seldom die
I learned that everybody's free
That's what the teacher said to me
And that's what I learned in school today
That's what I learned in school

What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?

I learned that policemen are my friends
I learned that justice never ends
I learned that murderers die for their crimes
Even if we make a mistake sometimes
And that's what I learned in school today
That's what I learned in school

What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?

I learned that war is not so bad
I learned about the great ones we have had
We fought in Germany and in France
And someday I might get my chance
And that's what I learned in school today
That's what I learned in school

What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?

I learned that our government must be strong
It's always right and never wrong
Our leaders are the finest men
So we elect them again and again
And that's what I learned in school today
That's what I learned in school

(I heard this today on the radio, and remember how much I loved to sing it when I was a kid, just because of the tune. I sang along with the Pete Seeger version on the "We Shall Overcome" album. Sounds brand new, doesn't it?)

Behind the Scenes at the Best American Erotica Factory

Today, I caught up with about a hundred manuscripts that I needed to respond to:  people who sent me stories they think might be good for next year's Best American Erotica. I send everyone a little letter that says, "I got it! You are not being ignored!"

This is a good time to tell you that the best time to send me your suggestions or manuscripts is before this Xmas. You can send it or suggest any story that has been published in from March 2004 to March 2005. It can be a short story or an excerpt from a novel--- really anything except poetry. I love poetry but that's not what this book is about

As for its erotic content, I entirely leave that up to you. Surprise me. I am not a big rule-maker. I'm interested in how what's "erotic" keeps changing its meaning in the times we live in. And what persists, year after year.

Most people send me something of their own, and I wouldn't expect anything less. But I am very touched by people who suggest an author that they read this past year that truly moved them, someone they don't know personally at all. My dad always does this. So does another one of my favorite writers, Susan St. Aubin. And they both have excellent taste. They nominate the stories out of pure admiration and delight.  I encourage all enthusiastic readers to do the same.

Here are my BAE  little guidelines: where to send, what to send, blah blah. I won't you bore you  with the details here.

But for fun, I'll tell you the top reasons people's manuscripts end up in the wastebasket instead of the "oh wow!" pile:

--- No address, no email, no phone. If your name is Joan and your wrote about a black poodle in 1996 please contact me.

--- Submissions from people who have clearly never read B.A.E. in their lives and would probably hate it if they did. You can tell they sent they same exact cover letter and story out to ten different people they saw listed in Writer's Digest.  Erotica is their latest cookie-cutter get-rich scheme. Boy, are they in for a surprise.

See, I'm not that fussy. One time I almost threw out all the manuscripts that weren't typed and double-spaced, because they are so hard to read— but then I relented and found a couple of diamonds. I don't think virgins should be punished for not typing in well-spaced rows, but they better learn quick.

The new BAE is coming out on Valentines Day. I turned it in over the summer. I'm bowled over by it. I would like to pound my shoe on the table and say that this is probably one of the best short story collections coming out next year, bar none, erotic or not. Sex and death are where the most creative expansion is going on right now... and short stories are where it's exploding.