I don't know why I've hidden this for so long... but with the nights getting longer, I feel confessional.
I'm a surf-porn aficionado. Yes, I'm talking about those movies with the soul-crashing waves and those beautiful men... sometimes women. It's a vicarious thrill that few can match. And yes, I have the choice stuff.
First of all, you should understand that I don't surf. I'm a surf widow, in fact. So when I tell you these movies are good, it's coming from an erotic, artistic viewpoint. I can't tell you shit about the surfing.
Remember how people used to put on a slow Elvis record to create a little atmosphere? Well, you can just throw the King in the can. The sexiest backdrop to any make-out-room has got to be "Joel Tudor: Longer," by JBrother. You'll get the idea as soon as you see the web site. it's one long-playing trompe-de-foreplay. I have people in New York who've never surfed a day in their lives begging me for copies of this DVD. Now you know where to find it yourself!
What makes it sexy? Well, the music is incredible, the cinematography is like living through a dream, and Joel himself is one of the most graceful creatures on earth. And then there's that amazing water, in every arc and color. Aqua-erotica, indeed.
Joel Tudor is all about mellow. On the other hand, sometimes you want to fuck and scream and pull someone's hair— that's when you want to throw down and watch "Monster Mavericks". Do not accept any lame imitation! There are tons of Mavericks movies on the scene and they are all NOTHING compared to this one.
"Monster Mavericks" was made by Mark Matovich, who obviously loves music. He created a punk/grunge soundtrack of insane caliber. It's like "Cobain Goes Surfing." Couple the sounds with the terrifying descriptions of Mavericks' break, and it's like listening to the darkest Edgar Allen Poe. Finally, you have the rides... complete death thrills. Psychotic Wipeouts. One Petit Mort after another. It's devastating, and for the dry observer at home, a total rush.
Women, you ask? Well, there's many to watch, and my favorite from the lusting point-of-view, is Keala Kennelly. There is no movie to do her justice, or any of the other female surfers, from an homage point of view. The mainstream surf photographers don't seem to know how to eroticize women athletes, or they're afraid to.
The (male) surf-shooters have the old-school notion that "sexy" photos are supposed to be nudie shots, and of course these female competitors would kill them if they reduced them to that. This is one of the most macho sports there is; it makes bullfighting look ladylike.
But does Joel Tudor have to drop his trunks to be devastating? Of course not. It's these women's sheer performance that turns me on— I want to be SLAMMED by these Amazons, not tickled with them. Keala gets the closest to that, in her charisma; so if you dig her, check out her scenes in "Step Into Liquid," — the movie is a bit corny, but the footage is fantastic.
