The X-Rated Pattern Book

"Most likely to end their friendship after a sleepover during which they got into Susie’s mother’s peach schnapps, Susie got a little handsy and they both got uncomfortable tingly in the pants feelings."

Yes, dressmakers do have dirty minds! I just found a blog that seems tailor-made for my warped (and darkly woofed) humors: Threadbared.

This site has nothing but photos of old-time sewing patterns that vibrate with perverse second readings.

There's the all-cracker family wearing knitted sweaters of "pickaninnies," a hospital gown pattern for the woman who has nothing better to do than sew her own shroud, and some terribly gay trouser tissues. I got a good shriek out of each one.

I'm beside myself that they don't sell the patterns they satirize, because I'd kill to make my own "L'Apron"— a  pair of frilly bottomless chaps. His-and-her sizing, no less!

Threadbared's authors are "Mary" and "Kimberly," southern belles who introduce themselves by saying, "We combine our fondness for vintage sewing patterns with our need to be bitchy and mean and cruel."

They also claim that they don't know how to sew, but I don't believe that for ONE SECOND.