I'm a normally loveable bookworm. But last month, when MJ Rose asked me to contribute a Summer Reading list to her excellent book-biz blog, Buzz, Balls, & Hype, I had a contrarian streak. I wanted to write about all the books that I refuse to crack open!
To wit:
It's My Turn Now
by Mary “Burn Down the Log Cabin” Cheney
It's Mary's turn now, to shoot you in the back.
It's Mary's whim, to open the famous family potty mouth and curse anyone who ever had the courage to make a difference. It's Mary's chance, to prop up a national disgrace.
The Cheneys have their nerve. Here's a gal who used to hawk Coors beer at Mr. Leather Contests in gay bars across the country and groomed herself into a shill for one of the most corrupt figures in American history... well, that takes balls. It also takes a disturbed liar to write a memoir about a perfect nurturing life with mum and dad. Too bad I'm not buying it.
How To Make Love Like a Porn Star
by Jenna Jameson and Neil Strauss
To be fair, I was mailed three complimentary copies of this ghost-written memoir of a young woman who was known to virtually no one a year or two ago. I’m sorry to have to bite the hand that fed me.
Of all the blonde porn stars who deserved to be household names, I was flabbergasted that Jenna got picked. Her performances are neither terrible nor bewitching; her charisma is just not THERE. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, she’s the Oakland of porn stars.
We do not learn how to "make love," in Jenna's book, "like a porn star" or anyone else. I did learn how you can nurse a methamphetamine addiction at various levels, for years and years. If she or her publisher had written a honest book about that, it would have beena lot more interesting.
Rich Dad, Poor Dad:
What the Rich Teach Their Kids About Money--That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not! by Robert T. Kiyosaki and Sharon L. Lechter
Here's what rich dads tell their kids: “Son, because of compound interest, inherited wealth, and our traditional indifference to social justice, you will never have to work a day in your life. Entitlement belongs to you!”
Here's what middle class dads have to say: “Strive, strive, strive. Marry rich. We are one credit card away from unmitigated disaster.”
And the poor: “Time ain't money when all you got is time.”
The idea that grotesque wealth disparity exists because of what daddy says at the dinner table makes me wanna throw up.
The South Beach Diet:
The Delicious, Doctor-Designed, Foolproof Plan for Fast and Healthy Weight Loss by Arthur Agatston
I won't be purchasing the North, East, or West Beach Diet book either. I will never buy a diet book as long as I live. They are parasites upon the body of female intelligence.
The Da Vinci Code
by Dan Brown
In my grand tradition of Harry Potter-Abstentia, I will once again slide right by a title that has been over-publicized.
I will not see the movie. I will dig my heels in and pretend to not even know the subject. "Is it about ‘Painting By Numbers’?"
This is the one category of non-reads I feel guilty about. I have missed some good books. I almost didn't read Memoirs of a Geisha, but luckily someone got it to me in time.
Once a book crosses a certain level of commercial hype, I turn against it and nothing will make me pick up a copy. Quick, find me the next big thing before I become anesthetized!
So, what won't YOU be reading this summer?
And what are you doing for the Devil's Holiday today, 6/6/6?
I plan on igniting the BBQ From Hell, plus some really nasty evil spell-casting.
I also have a perfectly delightful 666-Theme Tune to share with you, from the Crazy World of Arthur Brown:
I am the God of Hellfire
And I bring you:
Fire, I'll take you to burn.
Fire, I'll take you to learn.
I'll see you burn!
You fought hard and you saved and learned,
but all of it's going to burn.
And your mind, your tiny mind,
you know you've really been so blind.
Now 's your time burn your mind.
You're falling far too far behind.
Oh no, oh no, oh no, you gonna burn!
Fire, to destroy all you've done.
Fire, to end all you've become.
I'll feel you burn!
You've been living like a little girl,
in the middle of your little world.
And your mind, your tiny mind,
you know you've really been so blind.
Now 's your time burn your mind,
you're falling far too far behind
