Turkey Stuffed with Leaks and Donuts

This is rich.

Remember Walter Scheib, the brilliant chef who was fired by Laura Bush’s East Wing for using traitorous French cooking techniques? — You know, like sauteing. W. hates “green food” and “wet fish,” and Scheib must have suffered under such constraints. Now he's serving his revenge— blazing hot.

Walter has just written a tell-all recipe book, White House Chef, which he's dedicated to Hillary Clinton— Quelle Surprise d'Octobre!

The Times has the whole story. For extra crumbly-Oreo satire on the same, read The Swift Report. It's more damning than not finding WMD in Iraq... it's finding out the Leaders of the Free World have No Fucking Taste Whatsoever. And critics like these fourth-estate slow-food bitches are never going to let them forget it!

Let me whet your appetite:

Scheib was a cooking diva, the fair-haired boy at the top of his class at the Culinary Institute of America. He worked his way up through the finest hotels and resorts in the country, a wunderkind, before Hillary Clinton summoned him to the White House.

Scheib was thrilled to discover his new mission. Unlike the dull reputation of many First Family kitchens, Hillary encouraged him to go wild with “what’s best about American food, wine, and entertaining.”

Of course he cooked comfort food for the Clintons, and I’m sure Bill got his share of grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches. But for public affairs, Scheib indulged his every nouvelle inspiration. He remained in the kitchen when the Bush family moved in, and made his quiet, pained adjustments.

But at last came the Cheney merengue.

Lynne Cheney, it seems, had a social secretary named Lea Berman who had no qualification for anything other than that her husband was a sugar lobbyist who gave beau-coup dough to the Bushies.

Berman was promoted in Bush's second term to run the First Lady's social affairs, and she was a real piece of trans-fat. She insisted Scheib create an inaugural dinner menu that paid honor to the corporate brand names of a dozen top GOP donors— like Dunkin' Donuts and Coca Cola. She'd tear out pages from Martha Stewart Living for Walter and tell him to make lunch look "just like the picture.” Whenever she saw anything on Scheib’s menus that offended her, like hummus spread, she would write “yuk!” in the margins.

Wouldn't you just love to see her trussed up in one of the pots in Muki’s Kitchen?

I can't wait to read Walter's entire recipe file. Damning with faint praise is nothing compared to being cursed with Kraft Singles!

After Scheib left the White House, an East Wing leak told The Wall Street Journal that the chef had been fired because he showed “a level of arrogance” in preparing scallops for the First Family even though the president detested them. Scheib protested: “If we had been told not to serve scallops, we wouldn’t serve them.”

But what did Walter do next? He offered one of his top secret recipes to listeners on NPR radio: "Seared Scallops in the Manner of An Old Friend." Gee, I wonder who that is?

The shellfish sound delicious, but I pine for the Inaugural Stuffed Turkey With Donuts recipe that Deanna Swift provides! I'm sure Dick Cheney can still feel the sharp pains in his upper left quadrant from that occasion.

Coca-Cola Brined Pilgrim's Pride Turkey with Dunkin’ Donuts Old-Fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

Coca-Cola Brine

1 1/4 cups salt
1 quart Coca-Cola
2 bay leaves
1 medium onion, peeled and halved
2 cloves
1 10- to 12-pound Pilgrim's Pride Whole Butter Basted Turkey

1. Place salt and Coca-Cola in a large deep pot and whisk until salt crystals dissolve. Whisk in 4 quarts cold water. Pin bay leaves to onion halves with cloves and add them to brine. Let mixture cool to room temperature.

2. Add Pilgrim's Pride turkey, placing a large heavy pot or sealed zip-top bag filled with cold water on top to keep bird submerged in Coca-Cola. Place pot in refrigerator and marinate overnight.

Dunkin Donuts Old-fashioned Cake Doughnut Sweet and Savory Stuffing

6 cups Dunkin Donuts old-fashioned cake doughnuts, chopped
2 cups diced onion
1/2 cup butter
2 cups cranberries
2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 tablespoon dried sage
1 cup chicken broth

Cook onion in butter or margarine over low heat until soft. Add
doughnuts, cranberries, rosemary and sage, chicken broth,
salt and pepper to taste. Mix gently but thoroughly.

Roast Turkey

Remove Pilgrim's Pride turkey from Coca-Cola brine.

Thoroughly rinse turkey under a slow stream of cool water, rubbing gently to release salt and soda residue, both inside and out. Pat skin and both interior cavities dry. Remove neck and giblets. Begin lightly spooning doughnut stuffing into the neck cavity, then into the body cavity. After the bird has been stuffed, secure the legs to the tail. If the band of skin is not present, tie the legs securely to the tail with string. Twist the wing tips under the back of the turkey so they won't overcook.

Roast turkey, breast side down, in a preheated 325 degree oven for 2 hours. During this time, baste legs and back twice with Coca-Cola.

Dig in, everyone!