According to the latest and brightest mathematical formulas, today sucks.
Yes, today is very likely the date that Dorothy Parker wrote:
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
According to the Late January Biochemists, today's formula for perfect misery is: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.
Works like a charm, doesn't it?
W is the foul weather. D is your insane amount of debt. T is the time passed since your meltdown at Christmas. I'm not sure— because confidence isn't my strong suit this month— but I believe the M is for the New Year's resolution motivations you've given up on.
Studies show that if you were a butterball chain-smoking dope fiend on the first of the month, you really haven't budged an inch.
There's a remedial web site to advise you on how to beat these Late-Juno Blues, but I'm not going to link it here. It's too depressing.
"Run a mile," it says. "Write a list of everything you should be grateful for." "Curl up and watch The Sound of Music."
How 'bout if I ring up whoever compiled this list and tell them to FUCK OFF? I'm smiling already.
I have my own suggestions. Lay down the noose, darling, and try this out:
1. Subscribe to my blog.
2. In return, I'll send you a free copy of Best American Erotica 2007, lovingly autographed.
3. Plus, I'll send you a Clits Up! button because I Wuv You.
Come one, come all— how can you pass up an autographed copy of the brand-spanking-new Best American Erotica 2007, where you can read about "The Lolita Backlash"
and lose yourself in mindblowing short stories by authors like Octavia
Butler, Dennis Cooper, Jessica Cutler, and Kathryn Harrison. If
Dorothy Parker was alive, she'd eat this up! Get on it before next week, cause I might run out.
Why will this gimmick relieve your depression?
Giving to others always lifts your spirits. Secondly, when you receive a gift in return for your selfless generosity, your ego starts to swell. Finally, when that gift is something that no one else has yet because it's in advance of the official launch date, you get to be a smug member of a very exclusive club. BAE doesn't drop into stores until silly little February.
All of a sudden, late January is looking very sweet.
Here's the rules: (following odd little rules is also a helpful distraction from depression)
Subscribe to my blog for $5/month using Paypal: Link
You can "subscribe" as many times as you want.
Or, you can snail-mail me a donation check, for at least $7, to Susie Bright, Depression Special, P.O. Box 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061.
Whatever your method, follow up with an email to me, (Subject line: Depression Special), and give me your address like this:
Name
Address
City, ST ZIP
I will assemble the brown paper packages tied up with string and you'll be on your manic upswing in no time!
(If you're outside the US, send me your email, and I'll send you an ebook instead. I'm sorry, but the shipping costs and nosy prude customs officers ruin my earnest attempts to spoil you by snail mail).
WHY?— you ask, do I need subscriptions for this blog? The rather convincing reasons are here: Link.
Now, everybody! Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...
Photo by the increasingly upbeat Nichole M. Song by the incandescent John Coltrane.