My friend Béatrice got back from a Canadian vacation last week, and phoned to announce she'd had a sexual reawakening.
We both know she's been in a bit of an anerotic coma for the last year. She had chalked up her inertia to hormones or intractable DNA, and had convinced all her friends and family that she just didn't give a darn about fucking after all.
Well.
Bee has now met a Prairie Professor who has turned her ennui on its ear, and she is so horny she can hardly breathe. She called me for advice, and it wasn't what I expected:
"I think I need to get a new harness, but I don't know where to begin!"
"A new dildo harness?"
"Yes, the last one I bought, I bought from you before I even knew you!"
"What do you mean? How did you know it was me, if you didn't know me?"
"It was twenty years ago! It was when you working in the old Good Vibes on 21st Street—"
"So what's wrong with the old one?"
"It's got rust on the rivets and maybe a little mold on the leather straps."
"Gross!"
"Yeah, but I love the way it fits on my ass.. maybe I could throw it in the washing machine?"
"How about Dryel? That's not going to work... I haven't thought about this aspect of archival sex toys before... I mean, you have one of the first leather dildo harnesses ever made for women— I bet it's one of Kathy Andrew's original designs that she sewed in basement on Sanchez St. with a Singer Featherweight."
"So it belongs in a museum... but I don't know how to buy a new one."
"Well, you're right, no one is going to yak it up with you about all the in's and out's like I did... it's more like buying stereo equipment now— Have you thought of a thigh harness?"
"No, what's that? I have great abdominals and I want to use them—"
"I don't care how great your abdominals are, your thigh muscle is the strongest single muscle in your body, and you can really control the fucking part a lot better than with the unicorn penis design hanging between your legs. I know everyone wants that look, but when you're actually screwing, no one can see anything anyway, it's all sensation."
"I really like the way this old one looks on my ass."
"Yeah, but you don't want mold on your ass or your new girlfriend's ass and the washing machine isn't going to work!— why is this so important, anyway?"
"She really likes to get fucked."
"Well, you live walking distance from Good Vibes now... I think you should just walk down there and tell them that."
Have you ever had to let go of a cherished erotic accessory? When do things actually have to be replaced? Is your sling worn down to a greasy shadow of its former self? Sex toys come of age; and then what? What say you?
