We here at Bet on Ted headquarters are very disappointed. Pleasure seekers and sinners everywhere are feeling a little sullied.
We've waited so patiently for Ted to fall off the gay-rehab wagon into hitherto unknown hedonistic palaces of sin— and it turns out all he cares for is the cash.
The latest news about Pastor Haggard is that instead of getting a full-body massage or doing a few toots, he's sent out a letter to everyone on his mailing list— asking them to send cash, and lots of it, to help his family continue their ministry.
The weird turn in his appeal, aside from its sheer audacity, is that he directs all donations to be sent to a Colorado address that turns out to be a shell for fellow comrade and convicted sex offender, Paul Gerard Huberty, who promised he would process the payments in return for a little off the top.
That's not very sexy, Ted.
We placed all our bets on you dropping your drawers again, not reaching into the till. Your crass materialism is harshing our buzz.
Nevertheless, I got another letter today from a sensuous risk-taker who said he'd like to put $5 on Ted getting nasty on Christmas Day. Good choice, brother! Holidays, especially religious ones, are a good bet for acting out one's true nature. One too many eggnogs could push Ted right over the edge.
The "Bet on Ted Pool" gave ourselves until next February 6th— (the anniversary of Haggard's pledge that he was "100% het" and that his "dark and repulsive" life was behind him)— to place wagers on when he would disgrace himself in flagrante delicto once again.
But if no one hits the mark, we're still winners— we're donating the proceeds to LYRIC, the best queer youth organization in the whole Wild West.
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