Susie Bright's Journal

Susie's Stories on BoingBoing - The Saga!

The "most popular blog in the world," BoingBoing.net, invited me to be a guest writer for the holidays— and for two weeks I posted stories as fast as Mark "Rumpelstiltskin" Frauenfelder, my editor there, could paste them down.

I haven't written that much copy, that quick, since I was a cub reporter in the 70s, with a teletype machine at my side! 

Blogging for BB offered tsunami-level immediate gratification, because I  heard from hundreds of commenters in a matter of... minutes. 

I laid my head down and cried on the second day, but after an hour I  strapped on my diaper/harness/hairnet and settled down for all the bumps and thrills.

Here's a list of everything I wrote:

Guest blogger: Susie Bright!   

The most fun resume I've ever written.

Rick Warren can either come out of his closet, or go take a hike

In which I experience disemvowelment for the first time!

Raising the Minimum Age for Porn: A Satire from Jon Swift

Jon is so outrageous that a few always take him seriously.

The Story Behind Pot Medicine

My IBWSB interview with Wendy Chapkis... she is so great.

My Little Chat with Playboy Today: Who Are the Most Influential People in Sex?

Even the PB editors know that putting "Bo Derek" on the list is shambolic.

Daughter Songs -- Death and Loss at the End of the Year

The most emotional posting, the most private emails in response.

The Christmas Miracle on the Road to Oaxaca

A great, great, story from Andy Griffin.

This Date, from Henry David Thoreau's Journal

Kris Holmes keeps a daily blog of Thoreau's diaries...  perfect for winter snow.

Greta Christina and Her Godless Pursuits

That girl is in league with the Devil.

Take Me To Your Jelly Leader

I want to sign up for the Monterey Bay Aquarium sleepover night!

Out with the old, in with the shoe

This is by FAR the best George Bush shoe-throwing game...

"My Psychoanalyst Says There Ain't Any Santa Claus"

I had a perverse desire to get vintage Shirley Temple on BoingBoing...

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay

I won a few hearts with this one...

 Susie Bright reads Thurber's version of a "The Night Before Christmas," in the Hemingway Manner

This was my oddball genius discovery. I recorded it at dawn on Xmas eve.

The League of Amazing Latkes Q & A

—Almost as much controversy as Rick Warren's story!

George Carlin, Meet Kris Kovick

An homage to one of the greats.

The Bunny Trip: A Chapter from My Memoir

Read it and send me your memoir-writing advice!

If You Want to Live in a Van or Be a Stripper, then She's Got Some Tips for You

Our dear HoboStripper, Tara, is now living off the grid in an Alaska cabin where she can't get out until the next thaw! The response to this one crashed her server.

Au Revoir, Mes Amis!           

I finally got to show off a cute photo of Aretha. Plus all my schemes for the future...

By far the most popular stories I wrote were the two on food: eggnog and latkes. Sex took a back seat!

The next most popular story— and certainly the most controversial— was my irate assessment of Rick Warren. Some comments called for my head; a couple people were "disemvoweled" for their ugly manners. There was also plenty of respectful and passionate debate! I got the feeling it was a massive "coming out" party for many BB regulars, who wanted to put it out on the line, one way or the other.

I learned a lot about blog reporting and writing over the course of two weeks. The BB staff is so accomplished. You're called upon to be an expert copywriter, broadcaster, coder, interviewer, fact-checker, researcher, proofreader— and to do it all in double time, perfectly. It's like being the Nadia Comeneci of Journalism.

I, uh, fell off the bars a few times.

Pulling the whole thing off is impossible, of course, without a team, which made me keen a bit for the potential and power of a cohesive group blog. A small group, especially. I've blogged for Huffington Post and Alternet before— and while they provided high-traffic thrills, I didn't get to learn from the other editors/publishers or share a group sensibility.

BB has their own fulltime comment-moderators.  What a difference that makes!  My blog's comment flow is so modest, I can handle it myself.  But at BB, they have a few people dedicated to keeping a troll-free, civilized, lively discussion going, and it was wonderful...  I haven't experienced anything like that since The Well, which pioneered the protocol of hospitable bulletin board discussion.

My thanks to all of you who came over and egged me on... and also to Mark, Xeni, Theresa, Derek, Cory, David, and John for a most illuminating ride!

The Biggest Crooks of the Year... The Golden Dukes!

We've looked, we've puked, we've voted!  The Golden Dukes Has Triumphed Again!

I love judging this contest, produced by my favorite political blog, Talking Points Memo. Thanks to everyone at TPM for allowing me to wallow in the wickedness.

Check out the winners in the video above, and read what the other five judges had to say, in detail! 

Below, are my original voting notes:

Special  Achievement Award

I would like to echo the TPM reader suggestion that Sarah Palin deserves an Achievement Award all to herself.

Not since Shirley Temple burst forth in “The Good Ship Lollipop” have we seen such a prodigious ingenue. Palin’s Gothic family life, Alaska-size fibs, unshakable corruption, lunatic religiosity— all in one gorgeous package made for TV...  Can’t you at least send her a t-shirt?

And don’t ask for it back!

1. Sarah Palin, Uber Alles

Sleaziest Campaign Ad

The next time I go to San Francisco— or get an abortion— I’m going to whip out my spandex glitter pants and boogie on down to the disco floor Sam Graves concocted for his commercial against Kay Barnes. What a laff riot!

However, for prize-winning impact, I will choose the Elizabeth Dole attack on "Godless Atheism" as the ultimate barn-burner.

What makes her commercial extraordinary, beyond its slander to her opponent, is that it elevates “not believing in God” to the big-time in American politicking. That hasn’t happened in existential dog years. It was only 1961 that self-proclaimed atheists were  allowed to sit on juries or serve in public office in every state in the union.

Atheists really ARE angry about Bush’s “divine mission”— and this commercial, in its foaming lunacy, proves that godless heathens are making an impact. As a recovering Irish Catholic, I couldn't be more thrilled!

Honorable Mention: That evil kindergarten sex teacher, Barack Obama.

1. Elizabeth Dole
2. Sam Graves
3. John McCain

Best Election Season Fib

The word “fib” indicates that one has some knowledge that the truth is being stretched, as opposed to pure cluelessness or the messianic zeal of the True Believer.

Hillary Clinton, therefore, is the only viable candidate in this category. I respect her enough to believe she knows she wasn’t  G.I. Jane in Bosnia,  but she has the political penchant for hyperbole and braggadocio. It was foolish of her to think she wouldn't get caught. Like Bush, she is  under the impression that she is “pre-YouTube” simply by dint of her age.

By comparison, in this category, McCain doesn’t know if the economy is strong, weak, or needs more nutmeg. Palin gets  special recordings from God slipped under her pillow— and deserves her own statuette.

1. Hillary
2. Mitty
3. Johnny

Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah

The entire Bush/Cheney Kleptocracy has this one, dead to rights.  What requires more chutzpah than to take a country right into the crapper to enrich a handful of your cronies? Dick Cheney’s recent “office-exit” interviews are mind-boggling. No remorse for the blood on your hands is what I would call the ultimate corruption.

Out of the TPM candidates, I’ll take Ted Stevens first, since he is the most powerful and wreaked the most damage. Rod is hilarious, but such an amateur— a dandelion fluff compared to Stevens. Give him a few years. I wasn’t aware of Edward "Naughty" Nottingham before this contest, but he’s irresistible trying to muscle a paralyzed  woman out of her handicapped parking space. He reminds me of people I meet on the road every day.

1. Teddy
2. Roddy
3. Naughty

Best Scandal -- Sex and Generalized Carnality

We don’t have the quality of X-rated hypocrisy in this category that we enjoyed in 2007, with the trifecta of Larry Craig, David Vitter, and Bob Allen. Where are our Kinky Kristian Warriors this past year? Vanilla heterosexual adultery seems like kinda a snooze.  But given what I’ve got...

I’ll hand the big Dukey to John Edwards— though not because of the insult to his wife, which was grievous but sadly ordinary.

No, people do terrible things when cancer hits their family— there should be a warning brochure on the subject. The enormity of Edwards' hubris is that he led millions of people  on a wild goose chase as their chosen “progressive” candidate; he had a chance. And he thought that what the Democratic Party needed right now was a Presidential Philanderer? Is he on Clinton Quaaludes? If he had slapped each of his supporters in the face, he couldn't have done more damage.

I’ll take Gregory Smith next, as a run-of-the-mill example of how Bush’s policies and appointments destroyed any semblance of good government. What a disgrace.

I guess the fame of Eliot Spitzer gets Door Number 3, but I always take it for granted that the Top Prosecutors are embedded with Top Service Providers. I mean, who else can relate to them?

1. Edwards
2. Smith
3. Spitzer

Best Scandal Local Venue

This is my favorite category— and  the most difficult to judge. Humor plays such a large role!  If “Best” means “Best Buffoon,” I don’t know which Deadhead to pick: Mayor Funky’s wife with that unbelievable prostate exam Xmas letter or The Pisser from New Jersey.

Still, I give the Duke Award with more gravitas. If malicious destruction of working people's lives got a particle of respect in this country, then Bill Sizemore would be a household name. His union busting is extraordinary... does he think workers should be shackled to the wheel and given company script for canned goods? How despicable. He’s a crook, with a theology— and there’s nothing more dangerous.

I’ll hand Kwame the second slot, because of his Titanic disrespect and indifference to the tenacious citizens of Detroit, who’ve suffered more fools and plunderers than anyone should be asked to bear.

1. Sizemore
2. Kilpatrick
3. Funk by a hair

Best Scandal -- General Interest

1. Bush/Cheney
2. Bush/Cheney
3. Bush/Cheney

Everyone else is just playing “follow the leader.”