Susie Bright's Journal

When Sexual “Self-Help” is the Problem

There’s no point in understanding “men” or “women” (like such a thing is possible!), since no one has sex with “men” or “women.” 

We have sex with George or Maria or even both— but we don’t have sex with some abstract group of 100 million people. 

For better sex, learn more about the person(s) you’re with, not “men” or “women.”

via Marty Klein at sexualintelligence.wordpress.com

  

Marty Klein sounds like he very sensibly got to the end of his rope with "sexual self-help" books. I love this brief take-down of the whole genre. 

Here's another excerpt:

"People keep buying [these books]— and they keep feeling disappointed. Many readers wonder what’s wrong with them when they don’t achieve the greatest sex in the history of the world.

When these books don’t deliver the ultimate sex, it’s generally not the reader’s fault. It’s because most self-help books are limited in what they can actually offer...

"Re: Desire:

"There are two good reasons many people don’t want sex: 1) they don’t expect to enjoy it, or 2) they’re not getting along with their partner. When one or both of these are true, low desire is healthy, not something to fix."

 Marty and I have both-- shocking!-- written books of sexual counsel. I remember warning my publisher: "I will not shame myself with the idiocy of another self-help book."  I ended up with my manifesto, Full Exposure, and he wrote America's War on Sex: The Attack on Law, Lust, and Liberty. 

We both shuddered at the prospect of giving "tips" and "secrets" of exclamatory "great sex!"

Of course it's great when you can turn people onto some scientific information or break through a religious charade of sexual dishonesty. Very worth it. I'll always be happy to share the basics.

But so much of sexual life is determined by politics, which not enough people get involved with— or by hormones and electrical brain impulses, which, let's face it, you can only say you're along for the ride.

Have you ever read an instructional tip in a "sex book" that changed your practice in bed? Remember you can post anonymously and spare yourself the blushing...

  

photo: the great late billboard at Mission and 20th St. in SF. I never found out what the 17 Reasons were and that was just perfect.

Doing the Right Thing is Getting Scarcer All The Time

“I knew that once I did that my life would be different,” he said. “I wouldn’t be getting any more calls from recruiters for the health industry. It was the scariest thing I have done in my life. But it was the right thing to do.”

Wendell Potter, via www.nytimes.com

This is the story of an insurance industry "company man" who was enlisted to help discredit Michael Moore's Sicko— the film that ripped the US Healthcare system a new one.

Instead of piling on, Mr. Potter felt deeply moved by the film.

"A month later, Mr. Potter was back home in Tennessee, visiting his parents and dropped in on a three-day charity program at a county fairgrounds to provide medical care for patients who could not afford doctors. Long lines of people were waiting in the rain, and patients were being examined and treated in public in stalls intended for livestock.

“It was a life-changing event to witness that,” he remembered. Increasingly, he found himself despising himself for helping block health reforms. “It sounds hokey, but I would look in the mirror and think, how did I get into this?”

Now Wendell Potter is a leading activist in healthcare reform— hence, the touching story. But what I want to know is, why is he so singular? What changed in his life that the scales fell from his eyes?

This issue came up again recently, when Lt. William Calley made an emotional confession to a small Kiwanis Club in the MidWest, saying that he has been haunted by his culpability in the My Lai massacre EVERY DAY since it happened. He finds no solace in saying the words, "I was following orders," even though that is exactly how it seemed to him at the time.

What happened this summer, decades later, that prompted this public anguish and remorse? There has been no media curiousity or followup interviews— simply a rehashing of old cold war sentiments, as if that was an explanation of anything.

What this reminds me of is an interview I did with Elliot Aronson on cognitive dissonance, the space between our ideals and our contradictory actions. Elliot and Carol Tavris are the authors of the superbly titled: Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me. We rationalize our destructive behavior all the time as a survival mechanism, even when it goes way beyond redemption— or even of immediate help to our dilemmas.

That is the "status quo." What interests me is when and how we break the cycle of "following orders," defending the indefensible from our cozy little throne. Mr. Potter probably saw many instances of unjust treatment before he went to the county fair or saw a Sicko screening— but his conscience window wasn't open.

Peculiar life events have cracked open my windows, too. I've never been in the position of performing as "The Good German," but I certainly have had my moments of hardening my heart to ease my discomfort. What penetrates the gilded cage?

Loss, certainly. Any gust of mortality that knocks me over is a reminder: "What the hell do we think we're doing here, anyway?"

I'd like to know what leads a man to say, "I Made a Mistake and I Will Make Amends If It's the Last Thing I Do?" 

Why does that sentiment seem in ever-shorter supply these days? There's more than one executive in the health insurance business, more than one officer at Guantanamo Bay, who's having trouble sleeping nights. I'd like to hear their stories.

Photo: The original stand-up guy, Siddharta, as told by Herman Hesse-- his book cover.

The Orgasm Gap... Just How Big Is It?

In a word: Huge.
 

Download Susie's Podcast

listen to the rest on: www.audible.com

Since I started writing an advice column on Jezebel with Aretha, we've seen a real uptick in young heterosexual women protesting that they prefer "asexuality," that they are sick of the "tyranny of orgasm," and they don't want to come-- ever.

photo: LIve the Outdoors

I Was at the Airport, Pre-Election, When They Went Code Red

WASHINGTON — Tom Ridge, the first secretary of homeland security, asserts in a new book that he was pressured by top advisers to President George W. Bush to raise the national threat level just before the 2004 election in what he suspected was an effort to influence the vote.

via www.nytimes.com

I remember being at the airport in early November of 2004. It was LAX. An INSANE asylum. LInes going out of the terminal and down the sidewalk. People missing flights, delayed flights— a genuine miracle there wasn't a riot.

Everyone asked, "Is this the election or is this for real?" One impudent woman put it right to the TSA guard. She was taken out of line for further interrogation.

I'm not one of those people who adapted to the new era of air travel. They took the best invention, human flight, and crushed it for their amusement. For a fear vote. Since the elite flies privately, it's all the same to them. They got my loathing vote.

And I found the train. I love the choo-choo's. That's my silver lining.

Your Judge Is Leaving at 5 Sharp! Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

Judge Sharon Keller, the Texas appellate court judge who closed the clerk’s office before a death row inmate could file a last-minute appeal, is fighting to keep her job. At a hearing on Wednesday, she said in a crowded courtroom that if she had it to do again, she would do the same thing. That testimony is further proof of why Judge Keller needs to be removed from the bench.

via www.nytimes.com

I liked this comment:

"I hope whatever little social engagement she had that evening that she simply couldnt miss was terribly, terribly important.

"After all, you know, someone died to make it happen."

Many of the NYTimes comments are people ranting about whether the executed man "deserved" it or not, whether he was such a useless piece of trash as to make any procedural requirements irrelevant.

Those who hold this opinion apparently don't think they could ever, ever, be stuck in jail counting on justice to prevail.

"Lutherans to Allow Sexually Active Gays as Clergy"

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- The nation's largest Lutheran denomination took openly gay clergy more fully into its fold Friday, as leaders of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America voted to lift a ban that prohibited sexually active gay and lesbian people from serving as ministers.

via www.nytimes.com

This is wonderful news, from a progressive church that has stuck their necks more than once. It's the same church that George Tiller belonged to. Lake Woebegon can be proud.

I have to laugh at the headline... "Lutherans Allow Sexually Active Gays as Clergy"? How active do you have to be to make the cut?

Think of all the heterosexual and bisexual ministers who may or may not be BUSY. Do ministers need to be thought of as nimble bed-nymphs— "active" or "not active?" Can't people just mind their own beeswax?

The news will make some married folk scratch their heads. "Gee, do people think we're sexually active? I haven't been in the missionary position in months."

The puritanical mind always imagines that gay people are libidinous, as if the mere presence of a romantic partner guarantees sexual frequency.

 If only!

Do I Model for Playboy at My Peril? -- Susie's Latest Podcast

My latest IBWSB show: A reader writes that his Darling Niece has received contract offer to model for Playboy. Mother, a self-described "Gloria Steinem Feminist," is FREAKING out. What's a good mommy to do?

Here's Gloria, herself, describing her own Playboy years... 

Posted via email from Susie Bright

"He Goes Limp At The Thought Of Intercourse!" - Susie and Aretha Bright on Jezebel

via jezebel.com

My darling bun-bun and I tackle two problems: one gal has a boyfriend whose stomach turns at the thought of penis-vagina penetration.... and the second is jonesing to fuck her ex-boyfriend just ONE MORE TIME. (Oh precious child, we've been there).

Posted via web from Susie Bright

Whenever People Say...

"Whenever people say, 'We mustn't be sentimental,' you can take it they are about to do something cruel.  "And if they add, 'We must be realistic,' they mean they are going to make money out of it." - Brigid Brophy, 1929 - 1995. The Quotation Of The Day Mailing List Submitted by: Dorene Smith

Dinosaur Porn May Just Be the Next Big Thing

Isn't this the best "call for submissions" ever?

Call for Submissions : Dinosaur Porn

We are now accepting poetry, prose, and non-fiction submissions 
of any length relating to the theme Dinosaur Porn.

dinosaur n.
1. Any chiefly terrestrial, herbivorous or carnivorous reptile of the extinct orders Saurischia and Ornithischia, from the Mesozoic Era, certain species of which are the largest known land animals.
2. Something that is unwieldy in size, anachronistically outmoded, or unable to adapt to change: The old steel mill was a dinosaur that cost the company millions to operate.

porn n. 
1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
2. The presentation or production of this material.
3. Lurid or sensational material: "Recent novels about the Holocaust have kept Hitler well offstage [so as] to avoid the ... pornography of the era" (Morris Dickstein).

dinosaur porn n.
1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal in any chiefly terrestrial, herbivorous or carnivorous reptile of the extinct orders Saurischia and Ornithischia, from the Mesozoic Era, certain species of which are the largest known land animals.
2. The presentation or production of this material.
3. Lurid or sensational material that is unwieldy in size, anachronistically outmoded, or unable to adapt to change.

The small press DIY dream team of Ferno House and The Emergency Response Unit wants your writing that takes the prompt Dinosaur Porn as inspiration and a springboard for bigger and better things.

Guidelines:

> For each submission, the title, genre, and word count of the work should appear in the subject line as well as the name of the author.

> Please include contact information, a very short bio (including a list of previous publications), and returning email address in the body of the email.

> The actual work can be submitted as a Microsoft Word or .rtf attachment. Only electronic submissions will be accepted.

Deadline: August 7, 2009

Send all submissions to: [email protected]. For real.

Posted via email from Susie Bright