I happily went out to vote this morning, but I am not expecting a pretty result. The GOP is poised to exploit our country's misery in a rather spectacular way.
As much as the Democrats have let their base down, it's not as cruel as what the GOP errand-runners are primed to deliver.
When times get tough: the tough start drinking.
Let me present to you, after careful testing and sobbing, "The Election Night Crying Jag" — a cocktail that will allow you to stomach the statistics and even laugh as you're getting reamed.
I have three versions of the cocktail, which should give you an idea of how you can tweak your own medicine. Each one relies on bitters, a blend of herbs and mysteries which put the "cock'ed" in cocktail.
If you aren't "BITTER" about this election, you're not paying attention. However, in your drink cup, bitters turn philosophical and even calming.
Where can you get these unusual ingredients? In a rush, BevMo has them all— although any well-stocked liquor shop will be impressed with your shopping list.
Following my recipes, you will see my post-election predictions.
Election Night Crying Jag #1
Shake throughly over ice and pour:
2 oz, Bourbon (Bullet, Makers)
1 oz pineapple juice
.5 oz Campari
.5 oz Blood Orange Bitters or Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
3 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
Shake throughly over ice and pour for one.
Koch-Krazy Crying Jag for Two
1 ripe banana
2 T Cream of Coconut
1 cup crushed ice
1 oz "151 Proof" Rum
.5 oz Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
.5 oz Campari
6 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
Blend until creamy-smooth and finish with a straw exit poll. Makes two.
Candy-Colored-Clown Crying Jag
1 cups frozen raspberrys
2 T Cream of Coconut
1 oz "151 Proof" Rum
.5 oz Torani Amer
.5 oz Maraschino liqueur
.5 oz Campari
6 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
Blend until creamy smooth and with a straw exit poll. Makes two. Add Vicodin for final twist.
17 Reasons Why: Predictions for the New Plutocracy
1. Racist, Virgin-Fetishing, and Gay-Bashing Victors will grow horns, while doing whatever they please in their private lives. They have a special C-Street License to indulge every perverse whim.
2. The U.S. Justice Deparment, already incapable of prosecuting anyone or anything, will become a wet-paper pussycat. There will be no oversight of any major industry in the United Sates.
3. Union workers will be targetted not just for having decent jobs, but for having jobs at all. If they get wiped out, there's no job protection or leverage for anyone in the blue, pink, or white collar class. —The best that can be said is that the few remaining unionists alive at this moment have been radicalized for life.
4. Racist appeals to quarantine, imprison, deport, and execute will become unrelenting. Look forward to pronouncements like, "I'm not a bigot, but brown and bearded people have GOT to be go!" Four talking heads will then agree on every media channel.
5. Gay Republican staffers, (which are virtually all of them), are going to turn against their masters in greater numbers. Their entitlement is going to make them uppity.
6. Abortion rights are going the way of toast. If you're rich, you will always have a way. Female sexual power is now consigned to the aristocratic traditions: virginity and lineage.
7. Female GOP candidates are the sign of one thing: The Shitty PR Job that girls always get, while patriarchs elsewhere pull the strings. It's a sign of how little candidates are worth.
8. Why do libertine billionaires feel content to stoke Puritanical rages in pursuit of their economic goals? Because they don't give a shit who wins, as long as government is inoperable— and they, therefore, are untouchable. Vice-&-Color-Frenzies deplete interest in good governance.
9. The Church of Profit doesn't include humanity; it's not efficient. How far can they go before the riots start? That's what the Plutocrats want to find out, and they're betting it won't happen in their pampered lifetimes.
10. Middle-class expecations and aspirations are over. Education, infrastructure, jobs as a ladder of success, anything that isn't inherited mega-wealth, is FINIS. Democracy and equality are not of interest to plutocrats who imagine their supply of humble servants and gated communities can continue without end.
11. Voter disenfranchisment in the new America will make the voting laws of the early Colonies look like a broadminded liberal concept.
12. Sex education, is going the way of the esoteric and elite. Public sex literacy is already an ignorance drip. Irrelevant commodies— be they poorly-made drugs or poorly-made vibrators— are sold as sexual answers to problems which no one in public policy or health education is willing to speak of.
13. In the name of "Recovery," clean air, clean water, safe food supply, safe medicine, virtually all consumer protection, will be set aside.
14. People who thought that because they were "white," straight, wholesome, god-fearing—that they were going to be spared in all this ARE IN FOR BIG SURPRISE. If don't have an off-shore bank account, you are not invited to this ball. Even Cinderella doesn't have a spot.
15. The prison industry and the military industrial complex are the last working industries in this country, and will soon... merge.
16. The far-right litmus tests for Republicans— coupled with the appeasement-minded Democrats' cowardly whimpers for power-sharing— will force the end to the two-party system and beg the issue of alternative parties on the far-left and apocalyptic-right.
17. Last: More crying. Hopefully there will be some kicking along with it.
Cartoon: Charles Schultz, "Linus and Lucy"
Illustration: Jon Bailiff
The Old Street Sign from Where I used to live
