There's a lesbian crime wave sweeping the country and not one local news program has the guts to cover it: sex toy vandalism. My phone has become a hotline of sorts for victims whose harnesses have been hijacked, whose rubber novelties have been mutilated.
Just last night a dear friend called to say that she and her lover had their camping trip ruined when someone entered their tent and snatched their black bag full of sex toys: two hundred dollars worth, she said— not an uncommon price for a vibrator, dildo, harness, and lube.
My friends did the right thing: they indignantly reported their loss to the park ranger. Might he be a suspect? These vicious robberies are underreported, but the problem isn't going to go away by keeping it a secret.
My advice? Especially at the big parks, like Grand Canyon and Yellowstone, keep your dick strapped on at all times, and your vibrator attached to your canteen belt or day pack. You'll have more fun in the forest and you won't have any nagging worries about what's going down at base camp.
The more familiar type of vandalism I hear about is committed by someone you know very well— an ex or a soon-to-be ex.
I'd like a show of hands as to how many of you have watched in horror as your lover picked up a butcher knife and hacked your rubber dick into a million pieces. Or worse, they do the dirty deed in private and then stuffed the remains into your pillowcase or the soles of your shoes. When you consider the prices we pay for these items, the humor quickly fades.
The partner who had the guts in the first place to walk into a sleazy adult store to buy the precious item is usually not the one who wrecks the toy. It seems that with a lot of couples, one partner stays in the car chewing her nails while the other one attempts to look like she knows what she's doing as she tiptoes into Frenchy’s Fantasy Fun Palace.
There is no reason why you shouldn't get to know your own local novelty store. "Bob" at the Fantasy Palace is no more threatening than the sales clerk at Walgreen's, and no one is going to make a pass at you.
The male customers in the sex store are more afraid of you than you are of them. Watch them cut a wide swath to get out of your way as you head toward the tit clamps. It's an awesome sense of power. I don't know why men can be so rude at a bus stop but then be absolutely speechless in a sex toy store, but that's the way it is.
Back to the problem of inter-relationship dildo abuse. Thwarting such expensive destruction takes more sensitivity and imagination than the vacation rip-off cases.
First off, consider whether you or your lover has a pent-up desire to carve up a rubber cock...
Contined in Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World, "Sex Crimes Against Nature"