July 24, 2006

Deepest Throat

Top_secret_sm_ukp05 As you've heard, I have a new erotica crush and her name is "Chelsea Girl"— the mystery woman behind the very hot Pretty Dumb Things blog.

On my audio show this week,  I read aloud from her "9 Steps to Deep-Throating a Cock" essay, which should be made into a free pamphlet: the most practical blow-job tips you've heard in a long time. If only there was such a primer for deep-clit-swallowing!

In Bed with Susie Bright 257: Deepest Throat

When I read Miss Chelsea, it makes me wonder what it would be like to have an anonymous public diary where I could let it all hang out.

As you'll notice, I don't write about my sexual escapades unless:

a) I wouldn't mind my family, friends, and perhaps stunned strangers at an outdoor cafe hearing about them,


b) the adventures happened so long ago that the indiscretion factor has evaporated. The nice thing about being older, and having had sex for a long time, is that I do have a couple decades of back-story.

These two caveats leave open a lot of territory. My "job" doesn't require prudish discretion and coverups. My family is supportive, my friends are gracious, and I use a lot of pseudonyms and detail-switcheroos when I speak about anything might tread on someone else's toes. I've been talking about sex in public since I was 16, so it feels like "home."

But what would it be like to kiss and tell, under the cloak of a pen name?

I've never done that, despite prurient expectations. After I wrote my first few books, a new lover taunted me, "Oh I suppose you'll write all about this!"

That really threw me— and I felt threatened by the assumption. I've never talked about a sex scene without permission, and/or heavy fictionalization. The only way my doubter would get real-name publicity would be if they told everyone themselves... and that's happened a few times, much to my chagrin.

Why is sexual disclosure so potentially devastating, if puritan values aren't the issue?

For one, when I write something down, it makes it sound so permanent— and love lives rarely are. I'm still meeting people to this day, who think I'm a 23-year-old stone leather dyke, even though the book cover that gave them that impression is two decades old.

Secondly, when an artist describes a sexual experience, it's such a dream-like impression. If I say "Jane" was hot in the sack, and "Jack"  failed to swallow my clit, does that  give a fair impression of who they are, or what their next  erotic experience will be like, with me or anyone else? Never!

Telling stories often involves the delivery of a judgment, a lesson, a resounding resolution... and I like that about stories. Chapters end— you reflect.

But life is soooooo much messier. I could write a thousand "factual" biographies about one bedroom and never get at the truth.

Still, it thrills me when I see anonymous bloggers bitching about their children, their lover's genitals, their shocking bad habits and perverse inclinations. It's like an endless parade of Valley of the Dolls, except for the frisson that— YOW!— this might be the girl next door, you never know.

Could I ever take the anonymous plunge? My practical answer is, "Hey! I don't have five minutes to spare."

But it's not just the time or money. Secret diaries would require me to deal with non-recognition, which would be like driving a stake through my heart. I can't write without feedback, and I hate being misunderstood. Anonymous writers, esp. sexual ones,  don't get  respect for their writing in the way they might deserve. Plus, I'd have manufactured a closet that I couldn't share with anyone, not even my dearest. That makes me somewhat panicky.

What do you do?  Do any of you have a secret sex blog? A secret "anything" blog?  What's it like having two lives, one of which exists exclusively on the Internet? Do you ever long to just blurt out everything? Have you ever gotten busted by someone who guessed the truth?

Who's a worse discover of a secret blog— your parents or your children?  Inquiring minds would like to live vicariously through you!

Needless to say... you can comment here with a ridiculous phony name and address.

In my In Bed mailbag this week, I also offer some advice to a man who  started wondering if his single-orgasm wife is suffering, because one of her girlfriends bragged at the dinner table that she comes a zillion times from the slightest touch. I say, this doesn't sound like a helpful or honest "friend"!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for "Girly Cards" to [email protected]
(Episode 257, July 21, 2006).

July 17, 2006

Psychedelic Chicks Come Home to Roost

Psychgirl I recently attended a conference — the first ever, on the topic of women and psychedelic drugs.

I led a workshop about drugs and sex, although I don't know if "led" is quite the right word. I consider myself a cosmic neophyte!

I asked the participants to answer a couple anonymous questions on index cards:

What was your first psychedelic sexual experience?

What was your last?

What's your favorite drug when it comes to sex?

I'll be posting their replies this week.

Here's my first podcast on the subject, where I blurt out all my first impressions:

In Bed with Susie Bright 256: Psychedelic Sex

Altogether at  She Shamans, we had about a hundred participants, and maybe a dozen women in my workshop. Hardly enough to do a grand survey, but it was the first time I have ever had a chance to talk openly to women about sex and psychedelics.

Drugs in general, and psychedelics in particular, bring up female issues that we never read about in scholoarly journals or hear debated at drug policy or entheogenic seminars. Our experiences in adolescence, with motherhood, and in menopause, all bring up extraordinarily different takes.

I started from the premise that there is a taboo for women to give in to intoxication and ecstasy, no matter how brief a sojourn.

When a man is high and horny, he's just another horny-high dude— but when a woman gives up her "responsibilities" to follow lust and outer consciousness, it's as if she has turned in her badge of virtue forever.

Even women who feel comfortable talking about their drug use, rarely feel comfortable talking about the sex they have,  or want, when they embark on a trip. When have I ever talked about women and drugs outside the dilemma of addiction? Never.

It's time to move beyond the image of the crack whore... in fact, that's what I wanted to call my workshop: "Beyond the Crack Whore." Move over, nympho junkie and drunken slut! There's a whole new psycho-naut pussycat who has something to say!

There are a number of positive questions and gateways psychoactive drugs can offer to women's sexual lives and intimate relationships. My head is still spinning from all that I heard— and that is only my sober assessment!  I'll try to share as many as I can in the coming week. Please do listen to the podcast if you can, so we can dig in even sooner.

At the close of my show, in my mailbag, I offer some advice to a very nervous late bloomer. Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for Susie's "Girly Cards" to [email protected]t.com. (Episode 256, July 14, 2006)

July 03, 2006

The Erotic Photographer Unmasked

1117 I'm "in bed" this week to interview my old friend, photographer Phyllis Christopher, one of the original genies of women's erotica.

Phyllis is the evil mastermind who took the famous picture of me a mud mask and curlers, tied to the bed, surrounded by dirty magazines and god knows what else.
We had so much fun making a pictorial of "A Day in the Life of a Sexpert." (See below in the left sidebar for the photo!)

In Bed with Susie Bright 255: Sexy Stuff with Phyllis Christopher

1096 Phyllis eventually became our photo editor at On Our Backs, in the early 90s, but I remember the first time I received a package of mysterious S&M photos from an unknown woman in Buffalo, more than two decades ago.

1108 In this interview, we talk about what inspires her, from butch goddesses to unrepentant women dropping their drawers in public places.  You can check out her erotic photography  at your leisure so you can see what I mean! Her work takes my breath away.

Covers_f23 Finally, I asked Phyllis to help me take on a tough letter from a listener who wants some advice on getting over the death of his loving and sexually adventurous partner. I greatly appreciate receiving that question, because I always wanted to talk about that particular taboo: grief and sexual yearning.

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for Susie's girly cards to [email protected] (Episode 255, June 30, 2006)

June 26, 2006

Welcome to the Big Ween

HelmetpumkinMeet Jen Sincero, author of A Straight Girls' Guide to Sleeping with Chicks— one of the most illuminating books I read the past year.

I first picked up SGGTSWC because I was so outraged by the title— how dare this het-heathen get her jollies making fun of dykes!

But I was so captivated by Miss Thing, I invited her to appear on my radio show last fall, which I'm rerunning this week.

In Bed with Susie Bright, Encore Edition 223: Straight Girls' Guide with Jen Sincero

Here's the first chapter, which you can read in full at the jump:

I think my first sexual encounter with a member of the same sex happened when I was seven.

My friend Wendy and I would spend hours playing with these little plastic Fisher-Price people who came with cars and houses and villages and stuff.

We'd make up stories about them, have them go to work and cook dinner, and when they were bad we'd send them off to "The Big Ween."

"Uh-oh, Sally didn't do her homework again," Wendy would say, kicking off her panties and lying on the floor.

She'd hold terrified little plastic Sally up in the air and announce to the entire Fisher-Price community that "Sally was bad and must go to The Big Ween," then slowly lower the toy between her legs.

I'd watch mesmerized as Wendy rubbed Sally around and around, stopping only when Wendy's My First Pussy had gotten its fill.

Inevitably, moments later, my own Mr. Smith would wind up telling a lie or robbing the Fisher-Price bank and my panties would go flying across the room. "Uhhhh-ohhhhhh!"

I'm not sure if this counts as sex, since there were actually two The Big Weens, Wendy overseeing operations at hers and me at mine, but I do know that for me it wasn't all innocent play. I was a really sexual kid who started masturbating at around five years old, and who was constantly getting sent to my room for greeting company with my hand down my pants.

So I find it kind of surprising, since I was such an early enthusiast and a curious person in general, that it took me until my thirties to really get down and dirty with another woman.

I'd done my fair share of dabbling, made out with a few drunk friends, and groped the occasional boob here and there, but nothing all that intimate ever happened.  It was usually the result of being wasted and figuring that if there were no cute guys around I might as well pin Sharon to the couch. And it never went beyond that until my thirties.

Maybe I was too uptight or too immature, or maybe all my friends were just uglier back then -- whatever the reason, it took me a couple decades before I found myself face to face with The Big Ween again. And much to my surprise, just like little plastic Sally, I got sucked in by it...

Jump here...

Don't forget, you can send your feedback and confidential questions to [email protected] (Episode 223). If you'd like a free introduction to my show (one month/no charge) send me an email, with the subject line: Girly Card, and I'll get some free coupon cards in the mail to you.

June 20, 2006

The G Spot Fraud Detection Squad

Images_12 A few weeks ago, my friend Jared Rutter, editor at AVN, asked me if I would look at a series of porn movies about prodigious female "squirters"— wall to wall girl-flooding features. He said he had a hard time believing they were real, and he wanted my expert opinion. I decided to devote my new radio show to the discovery process!

In Bed With Susie Bright #254: G-Spot Fraud Detection Squad

I quickly assembled a screening in my living room, inviting my pals Jackie and Shar from SIR Video to be part of my examination team.

So why did Jared think I'd be so proficient at discovering a hoax? I'd love to brag that I was "The Queen of the G.," but personally, I'm not. However, when I edited On Our Backs, we broke the G-spot story, twenty+ years ago, with a series of articles and book reviews in the 80s that redefined the clitoris. My, how time flies.

Fe_gspot_bk_280x418 My publishing partner, Debi Sundahl, discovered her own shooting abilities during a shift at the Ultra Room, and was so excited about the whole thing that my ex, Honey Lee Cottrell, shot Debi's tsunami orgasm in one of the first  movies we made, Clips. We were shocked to find that porn distributors across the country refused our video, because they said it was "water sports," illegal by their community standards.

The female ejaculation became a feminist cause for us: this is how women come, buddy, not some fetish sport for you to make legal decisions about about whether it's an "obscenity."

Meanwhile, the Mitchell Bros. made a widely seen spoofing comedy about the whole phenomenon, called The Grafenberg Spot, which DID use turkey baster bulbs to simulate ejaculation, and Debi and I were both extras in the film.

Jim and Art show you their little bit of "stage magic" in the special features at the end of the movie— it's all a goof. The movie promoted mega-porn stars Ginger Lynn and Traci Lords at the time, (Traci's stuff is now excised b/c she was underage) but none of the actual juicy women in the Mitchell's strip club, who jacked off every night on stage, were part of the footage!

Dvd_603266d11 In other words, the dykes were the only ones promoting it for real, and everyone else was questioning its authenticity or having a laugh at the whole notion. But that was the 80s, and in the twenty years since, the  debunking crap fell by the wayside, women are squeezing out Kegels like there's no tomorrow,  and heterosexual porn now looks upon "rain-women" as a hot fetish.

It's this latter trend that  has a whole series of super-squirter movies coming out from  a company called Elegant Angel, which has as one of its company mottoes: "letting the girls cum too."

"Letting?" Ugh. Carpe Diem with a gusher is more my style. Their patronizing sentiment gave me the willies.

I don't even like the term, "squirt," because it reminds me of "Little Squirt". Do we talk about men porn stars dribbling, squirting, leaking, holding up teaspoons? Swallow My Dribble! No, if you're going to promote women's jacking talent, call it a flood, call in Moses, prepare the ark!

So, with all my doubts and outrage, I settled in with my giant projection screen to watch "Swallow My Squirt 3." [If you type "squirt" in E.A.'s search box, you'll see all their titles on the subject).

Holy Hellcat!  Yes, this is real. It is also extraordinary.  These women are on a mission, and they keep themselves pumped up, pulsating their clits and masturbating with "no fake about it" intensity, coming again and again and again and again. And again.

(You can see the preview on the link I provided. You have to register with a name and password first, but no big deal. The preview shows a lot more cock and blow job action than are actually in the movie. It's 80% women getting themselves off).

Their clits are so engorged that their whole pelvic area swells up with definition. The room is soaked. They roar like lions and shoot like geysers. Camille Paglia with her "arc of transcendence" notion about male pissing contests really needs to see this.

639fNow, before you watch the clip, let me tell you: this is not fancy-pantsy, Playboy-Channel porn. No fashion models here. The men who function as "stunt cocks"  are homely and look like they're going to have a red-faced heart attack from all the Viagra they're on. There's a kitchen funnel involved at one point... It's "tasteless," in-your-face porno, without the slightest middle-class affectation.

They also have no intention of being feminist, yet the very nature of this soak-a-thon, with women running the fuck, is a spectacle that kinda gives new meaning to the tired phrase "women doin' it for themselves." 

You know, femmes have often criticized the amount of goo men shoot off in typical porn movies. The whole plot is about the guys climaxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been comically one-sided, and dyke-made porn was the first to challenge that paradigm.

But what I observed with the Swallow My Squirt, is that yes, indeed, watching women come repeatedly, with force and authenticity, made me want to come— it made all of us totally aware of our cunts. My g-spot is permanently enlarged from the experience. It was that visceral a viewing— even at the same time that we were laughing and criticizing various details.

Jared told me that the mastermind behind these tapes is not the directors listed, but a woman named Tiana Lynn, who starred in all the girl-jack features and is now Elegant Angel's Sales Manager, behind the scenes. She was born the year before we published On Our Backs' first issue!

TiannaSB:    How do learn/train/whatever to squirt multiple times? Does doing anything beforehand help?

TL:    I usually build up my juice by using a pocket rocket [vibrator] at least for a half an hour before a scene. I use it to get almost to my peak and then contract my muscles to control my orgasm.

SB: I noticed that some of your actresses used their hands on the outside of their clit to keep hard and jack off, and others needed to have something inside them to squirt...

TL:    Well usually, it's best to stimulate the clit, then get some good hard lovin' inside, and soon as you're ready to release, stimulate the clit to pulsate the muscle and to keep stimulated for a longer, harder orgasm.

SB:    For you, what's the difference in how you feel between ejaculating WITH an orgasm, and ejaculating without one?

TL:    Ejaculating during orgasm is more like a rough romp sort of reaction. When you do the whole thing nice and slow, you feel like you want to blow, but you have enough time to let it seep out— as opposed to blowing it as quick as you can—to get to the next one.

SB:    The guys you worked with made me laugh a lot of times, b/c they were so red, or sometimes they were completely off camera, and it was just so NOT about a romance or interaction with them. What kind of guy likes to work in these pictures?

TL:    I like to work with guys that are submissive to my needs, the ones who dive for the girl juice, and furiously work hard at making me explode over again. The guys I choose for my films, get excited when I'm excited.

SB:    Does it help if they're a bottom? [I recognized one of the fellows from several S/M movies]. Is there a certain kind of guy who wouldn't do this sort of picture?

TL:    There are guys who are intimidated, and there's even girls who aren't okay with letting their sexuality overcome them.

SB:    Would it have been easier, for the movie, to use hands and dildos?

TL:    Sometimes it is easier to just stop and stimulate yourself, but if you can find a nice, warm and hard to do it for you, (so your hand doesn't cramp) I say, go for it.

SB:    How did you discover your own jacking capacities?

TL:    I honestly just practiced. I based it on what I felt when others did it to me. I focused on finding that same feeling, and once I did, I didn't let it go.

SB:    Everyone was really vocal in the movie, which added to the sense of intensity.... was that all for the entertainment of the movie, to make it more exciting, or do you think jacking off is impossible to do quietly?

TL:    It's pretty impossible to do quietly. Even being next to it you find yourself groaning just in the thought.

SB:    What would you say to women who come, but don't ejaculate and wouldn't know where to begin?

TL:    Get a Kegelmaster [dildo-like toy you squeeze your kegel muscle on]. Go to the bathroom first so there is no bladder pressure, nor confusion. Take yourself to another level, starting with your mind, because once you let your mind go, the juices will flow.

SB: The Kegelmaster??  I'm always dubious about stuff that's expensive and tries to make you feel like you need some esoteric initiation...does this PARTICULAR toy do something that you can't do just squeezing your PC muscle on its own, or any old dildo you might like to put inside you?

TL:    That works too, the only thing special about this toy is it measures your strength, so as you get stronger PC muscles you can see the progress.

SB:     How the hell did you get everyone (both women and the man) to come at the same time? Did you really shoot that at the end?

TL:    Actually it seems to be easier to do it all together. You can feed off of the others' orgasmic energy which speeds things up, or even cause a simultaneous eruption. All of it is filmed as it goes, no order. The second one person might feel pooped,  the other person's energy brings you back up.

SB:    One last thing: I love that you perform wearing your glasses.

TL:    Well, I do need them to see, otherwise I just kind of aim to the black blur. Once the action gets started, I can see what's in front of my face. Most of it I can do better with my eyes closed anyways ;-).

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests to get Susie's "girly card" to introduce your friends to my show for free— by writing [email protected] (Episode 254, June 16, 2006)

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June 13, 2006

College Boy Confidential

C22938impotent A recent story from The Washington Post, Cupid's Broken Arrow, says that more and more college-age men are suffering from erectile dysfunction.

These fellas don't want to be pressured for sex, and they avoid it, by turning down dates and avoiding intimate moments alone with anyone.

The shocking reason, according to the article? Too many sexually aggressive co-eds are driving these boys into impotence, horny girls making insatiable demands, hard-driving sluts who only care about riding one turgid dick after another in their pursuit of screaming orgasms.


In Bed with Susie Bright 253: Cupid's Broken Arrow


There's one spot of truth to the story, that I started reporting in 1993: it's true that young men are reporting and discussing antipathy toward sex in numbers we've never seen before.

I first noticed this in the early nineties, as I criss-crossed the country with my college sex surveys. Young people's sexuality has been seriously inhibited by AIDS fears, the subsequent abstinence campaigns that infantilized their generation, and a REAL SERIOUS prescription drug problem from years of well-intentioned Prozac, Paxil, Ritalin regimes. With young men, this goes right to their physical sex response.

The problem isn't just with intimacy. What the Post never asked, was, putting aggressive co-eds aside, how many of these non-fucking young men are masturbating?

If this had been the question, they would have found what I did: it's not about just "being" with someone that's stressful, it's access to your own sexual body and desires that's being denied.

The first time I heard from male undergrads that they didn't masturbate or experience orgasm, I thought it was a prank.

I was at Carnegie Mellon, a famous "science" school where students often  joke that their sexual and social lives are under constant attack from too much time in the lab, homework overload, and intense competition.

But I had been to C-M a few times before, and I must say, everyone was making a valiant and fun-loving effort to enjoy life in spite of their demanding schedules!

My prank suspicions were exploded when a couple of serious young men spoke to me privately after my big-crowd event, and I realized their predicament was quite real. Since then, I've met and corresponded with dozens more, at high schools and universities all over the country. These 18-23 year olds don't masturbate, and they don't come, except sometimes in night dreams.

In some cases, they justify it by their faith, their belief that it's wrong, that they're waiting for God to choose the right partner for them, that it's a sign of abject surrender. Thank you, Moral Majority! These are the people who took the chastity pledge without even having to attend a mass meeting and pay for the plaque.

In other cases, they want to feel sexual pleasure, and they don't fear spiritual bankruptcy, but they  feel like the distance between mild arousal and getting hard is so very, very far away. They might intellectually consider something is hot, but it doesn't translate into an erection. This something women have talked about for years, but it is a new experience for young men.  In every one of these cases, the men discuss their prior or ongoing treatment with anti-depression drugs.

It makes me so alarmed and depressed myself to hear their stories... but I won't be taking a little blue or white pill for my remedy.

In my next post, I'm going to reprint a story about the "New Man's" ambivalence toward sex that we are seeing crop up in topical humor, newspaper stories, and advertising.

It's called "Men Who Love Burgers." I'll run it tomorrow!

Also, on my radio show this week, I answer a few questions from a MTF transsexual who wants to talk about starting a new job with a new figure!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests to get Susie's "girly card" to introduce your friends by writing [email protected] (Episode 253, June 9, 2006)

June 09, 2006

Can Lifehacker Solve Our Sex Chaos Too?

Ginatrapani_185 Every once in a while, I get to interview someone on my radio show who's not known for their sex life, but who I get to interrogate with erotic nosy questions anyway!

This week's victim is one of my favorite bloggers, Gina Trapani, who edits Lifehacker, a highly addictive Gawker site that gives constant, intriguing geeky tips on how to get your shit together.

As I said to Gina, it might be a fabulous cosmic joke to entertain the idea that we can Organize Ourselves Into Better Mutants, but I am certainly one of her site's susceptible groupies.

In Bed With Susie Bright 252: Interview with Gina Trapani, Lifehacker Editrix

If you are a fan of Lifehacker, or girl geeks in general, you will be delighted to hear what exactly Gina is doing with her cameraphone (she's dangerous) and how she parries my urgent suggestions for posting vibrator advice on her site.

She says she's not going to let her mom listen to sections of this interview, but I hope she'll relent.

I love to have guests weigh in the letters I receive to the show. This time, we discuss what to advise a lesbian lover from Akron, who writes to say that she can't make her "more experienced" girlfriend come, and it's driving her up the wall. Fallen pride and sheer exasperation are at stake here!

Haven't we all BEEN THERE when it comes to enduring a helpless, hopeless hour of unsuccessful muff-diving?  Either side of the predicament is a nightmare. Gina fell off her chair laughing during this part of the question, so I gathered she is also in sympathy. With lesbians, there's the extra agony of the "it coulda been me" sensations.

When you're making love to someone who is supposedly "experienced" and orgasmic, —and yet they are unresponsive to your touch— what's a gal or guy to do?  Get kinky enough to make them spill? Lie back and say, 'Well, do me then, darling!" Commit harakiri from the shame of it all?

We decided I needed a PICTURE of the recalcitrant control freak to figure it out... sometimes words aren't enough! Preferable a secret candid taken on a surreptitious cameraphone.  We sure had a fun time considering the possibilities.

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, feedback about the show, and requests for Susie's brand-spanking new "Girly Cards" to [email protected], (Episode 252, June 2, 2006)

May 30, 2006

George and Martha Do It One More Time

Martha Sometimes I think I'm mediocre at live erotic readings, but then I realize I just haven't had the proper material.

I met Karen Finley last month and got a chance to read her new illustrated book, George and Martha, the damning story of a one night stand between George Bush and Martha Stewart— with a tip o' the hat to Edward Albee, and the Original First Family. —Not to mention Ionesco and De Sade.

Finley based G&M on a play she wrote and performed last year, but I'm tellin' ya, I Was Born to Play This Role:

George has a way of not taking me seriously. The room is getting too small for both of us.

“I don't like this, George. It's plastic!"

“Yes, a petroleum product."

I'm trying to make a point with my raised plastic glass. I know sometimes I exhaust a point.

“This is my bad mood, George. It’s a bad thing."

"I just put my face to the faucet or drink out of the carton, Martha. Don't make me responsible for the plastic glass. I am overextended as it is.”

I don't know why I make so much of a small thing. But it isn't a small thing. The real issue is that I feel like a pit stop for George. The plastic glass is me, a throwaway. I am disposable.

“Then who's to blame, George?"

"My father. My father. My father. My father?” George seems to have snapped. He throws himself on the bed spreadeagle, with his hand rubbing his thigh.

"Now say goodnight, Martha, to your housekeeping Gestapo, and give the President a blowjob before I invade another country."

George looks so cute getting all riled up. I instinctively become a sex kitten purring with a Martha Mae West come on. He slaps my bottom as I sit next to him and wrap my arms around his neck.

“When are you going to enter my country. Mr. President? I am ready to be invaded arid hand over the oil.”

I place my body onto his lap with my breasts in his full view.

"Martha, I never get an erection from an uncluttered closet or from poached pears."

I become more playful and arch my back, bringing my heaving cupped breasts to his lips.

"You do too get an erection from my poached pears. Don't say such a ghastly thing," I say in my best Marilyn voice.

George reaches for the phone and places a call.

"Hello. May I speak to the concierge? Would you like to take Martha into the bathroom and fuck her for me? Yes, fuck her. She's all oiled up and ready to go. I am too important. I mean, imporporpporposie, iniportopuss... I mean impotent...”

I adore him as he hangs up. I love him when he fucks up.

"George, I don't know if I am witnessing attention deficit or domestic terrorism."

I sit up and give instructions. "Your cock isn't going to fall off, George. I am not trying to castrate you. It is simple. Mommy doesn't drink from plastic.” I say it with a twinkle.

George gets up from the bed and walks over to the suit he'll wear for his nomination speech. It is covered with a dry cleaning bag.

He slowly removes the plastic and touches the bag provocatively. George is breathing deeply now and he starts to wrap himself in the plastic. I am a voyeur, watching George as he becomes aroused.

“When my mommy would have the dry cleaning delivered I would watch as she removed her fancy dresses from the cleaning bags.”

George is aroused. The plastic bag becomes a sheet of human skin. He tries to suffocate himself as he covers his face with the wrap.

“And the smell of the plastic... the sound, the shrill of the plastic... and the plastic... covering my mother, sticking to her body..."

George carries the sheer skin over to me and I greedily accept. He covers my body, my face. I run my hands over my sensitive areas until I am engorged. I am ready for him to do whatever he needs with me. I yearn to be his instrument of pleasure. His hand is on my tender throat with the plastic wrapping, taking my breath away.

"I love it when the dry cleaning bags arrive, you take your clothes off, cover your naked flesh with the silky see-through plastic. You glide over my naked torso with your pearls just barely caressing my chin. You glide yourself over me again. I want to touch so much. So much."

Then suddenly he is awakened and jump-cuts to the fantasy, as if he was snapped out of hypnosis.

“Can’t we just make this bipartisan and give the election back to me? Good night!”

I really don’t know what the hell George is talking about but that isn’t anything new. I’m going nuts. Sometimes George abandons our passion so quickly that I understand the meaning of blue balls.

“George? George?” I try to appeal to him.

George grunts and acts annoyed as if I am disturbing him.


I become like a bitch in heat. I try to fluff his  cock but he stays flaccid.


George just continues to grunt. “EHHHHHHHH.”

I give it the good old college try and position myself on my knees. I squat down with my ample breasts squeezing his penis with the force of my cleavage into a bosom headlock.

“Fuck mommy between her breast and give mommy a pearl necklace,” I say while I pull at his tree. I’m turned on and wet. I repeat myself, but finally give up, exasperated. I sit up and demand, “You’re the president. Do something!” I am such a bitch.”

184467064301_aa240_sclzzzzzzz_ Yes, that's just a spidgen of the opening from George and Martha, which I had TOO much fun reading out loud on this week's edition of my In Bed show.

In Bed with Susie Bright 251: George and Martha

You may know that the federal government made a rather spectacular scapegoat out of Finley, using her as their excuse to eviserate the N.E.A., and simultaneously make both political sexual speech an underground activity.

Karen is one of the most remarkable playwrights and performers of my generation— the first time I saw her was at Project Artaud in San Francisco, and my jaw was dropped for days afterward. Her charisma, and her instinct for the
psychosexual jugular vein is fearsome. I want a whole collection of her scripts!

I also interviewed Karen on my brand new Sony MicroDisc recorder, which I am still trying to decode and edit so I can broadcast it on another show. It isn't that hard, but you know what it's like learning a new piece of equipment from a manual... annoying.

Also on this edition of In Bed, I have a rather amazing story on the all new IMPROVED federally mandated abstinence policy.

Instead of instructing kids to stay chaste until they grow up, the new edict says that you must stay a virgin until legal heterosexual marriage is licensed— no messing around when you're 30-something!

There shall be no sex at any age without marriage. There shall be no queer. There shall be no violation or you will be damned. That is all.  And I will just let you guess how much many tax dollars are set aside for this.... remember to add the seventh digit!

Finally, in my Letters mailbag, I have a question from a woman who says she's fallen in love with one of her husband's close friends. I have the weirdest feeling that this is a more complicated triangle that she realizes!

(Episode 251, May 26, 2006)  Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected] If you send me an email with your address, I'll send you a "freebie" card for new listeners.. put "Golden Ticket" in Subject Line. 

Illustration by Karen Finley from her wonderful book!


May 22, 2006

Come Join My Teen Sex Cult— or Not

Teenagersfromspace I'm ready for the tshirt:  "I Took Plan B And Never Got Invited to the Teen Sex Cult."

As you may have heard, the FDA is being sued by a New York feminist health group for their bizarre failure to approve Plan B for OTC pharmacy sales. Thank you, sisters!

The FDA commissioners are one bizarre crew. First, we had Dr. Hager, the Bush appointee who made sanctimonious church speeches by day and then brutally sodomized his sobbing wife at night, his perv camera rolling.  He left a check on her dresser.

Then there's deputy commissioner of operations, Janet Woodcock. You read that right.

Her objection to emergency contraception? "We can't anticipate, or prevent, extreme promiscuous behaviors— such as the medication taking on an 'urban legend' status that would lead adolescents to form sex-based cults centered around the use of Plan B."

I've used Plan B when I had a scare— and so have some of my friends— and none of us have been invited to so much as a single orgy.

Finally— or at last count— we have recent FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford, who has resigned, in the wake of this lawsuit, because he is in so much HOT water it's hard to know which tap to shut off first.

Trained as a veternarian (would you trust your dog to this man?) Dr. Crawford apparently never met a bribe he didn't like. He rushed to approved Vioxx, the dangerous athritis drug, despite being shown dire warnings from researchers.

He also couldn't wait to approve another company's silicone breast implants, regardless of the shocking warnings on their product as well.

For George Bush's reelection campaign, he was thrilled to kickstart a publicity campaign about how he had "secret" information— that no one else had but him— that Al Queda was trying to poison the nation's imported prescription drug supply! 

But when it came to Plan B, Crawford insisted on caution and delay at every turn. He took personal command of every decision affecting the pills' future.

Obviously, the makers of emergency contraception don't understand that the way to Crawford's heart is through large, large, satchels of cash.

We haven't come to the end of Crawford's conflicts of interest. But I am betting at the end of the indictment, it will be clear that Crawford does not care one way or another about abortion, "the culture of life," or any other such nonsense: he only cares about the culture of his bank account, defiantly in the black.

In Bed with Susie Bright 250: Lions and Tigers and Teen Sex Cults - Oh My!


Also in my show this week, I chose a winner for The House of Ass free DVD contest. The prizewinner captured my fancy when he wrote to me:

Since I'm blind, the visual aspects of porn go "Pheeeeeew," right by. House of Ass sounds like you can really get to know the people involved.  That makes it easier for me to get turned on when they fuck.  Long "piston pumpin' action" sequences can get boring otherwise--especially when the sex sounds are artificial or covered up by bad bad music.  Speaking of which, what I've heard of the music on this DVD actually sounds like real music!

Thanks for your heart-felt review. My guide dog, Pilaf, sends tail wags.



Yes, Rob, HOA does have good music, if you like a nice hard rock romp. I hope you enjoy every gabby minute!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about my In Bed show to [email protected] (Episode 250, May 19, 2006)

May 16, 2006

Chester The Molestor: Homeland Security At Its Finest

There's a new twist to the exposé from the Times about the world of "underage Internet porn." It's disturbing on many levels.

Remember that young man, Justin Berry, who started "working" online from the age of fourteen? Shortly after he turned the age of majority, he was contacted by a reporter who said, "Look, I can help you out if you're willing to cooperate and provide the credit card records of the johns and pimps, their names, the whole enchilada."  The result was a spectacular feature that the Times soaked for months.

In Bed with Susie Bright 248: CamWhore Redux

I had my own questions about the Camwhore Chronicles. The media often exploits these affairs without illustrating the bigger picture. Child abuse and neglect is a national disgrace, and most of it is NOT happening online with fancy equipment. These scare stories often serve the federal government's schemes to censor/control the Web, rather than protect or empower young people in any meaningful way.

Nevertheless, Justin had a hell of a story. He and his family have incredible documentation of his sex business, down to the last detail. It's a pile of evidence that would make any prosecutor weep for joy.

So are the perps ready to be frogmarched into jail? Apparently not.

After months  of sitting on the evidence, the Justice Department has done nothing to follow up. They have messed up the indictment so bad, it's eerie.

"'I have never seen a case in my experience move slower than this one,' said the Times' reporter Eichenwald, reflecting on his 20-year career as a crime reporter. 'You ask if this is an active investigation. What more can be done? The better question is, what less could be done?'"  Read the whole Salon story for more.

Meantime, three high-ranking government officials in Homeland Security have been busted for either child molestation or active participation in underage Internet porn. (That 14-year-old you think you're seducing? She's a sheriff pushing 30.)

So, is there a connection between:

a) the White House going after Internet "porn" and control of bandwidth and access,

b) Attorney General Gonzalez declaring war on Internet porn,"

c) the Justice Department ignoring the Justin Berry case,


d) Homeland Security's executives being exposed as a bunch of really sick fucks?

I can't be the only one overcome with the nauseating synchronicity. I know I'm a drama queen at my core. But this story is as mind-blowing as it appears.

Take any thread you like: Frank Figueroa, for instance! He was the Chief of Operation Predator— a Homeland Security force designed to fight pedophiles—  but now he's a convicted offender because he dropped his pants in a Florida mall and masturbated in front of a young girl who quite sensibly called the cops.

You need to breathe in a paper bag, between the segments of this creep-fest.

The next time you hear a  member of this administration say anything with the word "C-H-I-L-D"  in it, I want them to be CUT OFF their mike, and  told that we don't listen to the ravings of  shopping-mall-masturbators and chicken hawk psychopaths!

At first I was flabbergasted by the Roman-style grotesqueries of our nation's leaders. But I'm over that now. What I can't get over is how many people seem to settle for it. Numbness and incomprehension is the order of the day.

Everyone knows that the emperor has no clothes, that he and his courtiers are either metaphorically, or literally, fucking our children into the ground. But it's all just another day at the office. Homeland security bug your phone calls? Your vote laughed at and thrown in a dumpster? Your teenager screwed by someone very special at the Capitol? Close your eyes and maybe it will all just disappear. Pass the pills.

Today we have a story in the Times about how the GOP religious right is having serious meetings with Bush Inc., about how pissed and disappointed  they are that he hasn't come through for them on banning gay marriage, outlawing abortion, and vanquishing obscenity.

Now, if I had been the one to interview facist-Xtian James Dobson, I would have asked, "Gee, putting faggotry and feminism aside, how do you feel about all the child molestors running this nation's security apparatus?"

Maybe Dobson has an explanation. After all, this is the same guy who wrote in his parenting book, Dare to Discipline:

"Pain is a marvelous purifier. . .  a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. ...Some strong-willed children absolutely demand to be spanked, and their wishes should be granted... Two or three stinging strokes on the legs or buttocks with a switch are usually sufficient to emphasize the point, 'You must obey me."

What Dobson is really pissed about is that he just spent the past two weeks lobbying Karl Rove, who's about to be indicted—  a waste of precious lobbyist dollars. Fetch the switch, my boy! Focus on the Family doesn't like to write checks to the wrong man.

May 15, 2006

Sex With the Lights On and the PCs Pumping

I never considered myself sexy. Which is why it was so strange that I responded to an ad in the Village Voice:
     “Wanted: Sexy women to do phone work. 18 and over. Limited nudity in a fun and safe environment.”

Was I sexy? Barely. If you like Barely Legal maybe. At eighteen, I was old enough. Had I ever been nude? Almost. Once I let a boy look at me completely nude. But the lights were out. I did allow him to open the curtains to get as much moonlight as the sky would give him. More than anything I was just plain desperate.

That's the voice of my dear friend and erotic inspiration, Ducky Doolittle, has a new book, appropriately titled Sex with the Lights On.

In Bed with Susie Bright: 249: Sex With the Lights On 

You aren't going to  hear any hype about this book, because it's from a small publisher, and Ducky is not media mogul. She is, however, one of the most insightful and original sex educators and artists I've ever met. Let me share a piece of her story with you, that taught me a thing or two...

Bookcover300"How I Accidentally Became Hyper-Orgasmic" 

I may sound like I am obsessed with the pelvic muscles but it’s for good
reason. Years before I was born my mother was in a bone crushing, near fatal car accident. While suffering through the pain of learning how to walk again she developed a drug addiction that would haunt her the rest of her life.

Part of this is because of me. My family speculates that her drug addiction later led to the birth defects. I was born with twisted bones in my legs that demanded heavy metal braces. I also had one lazy eye that required I be fitted for hyper-corrective glasses as a toddler. The glasses were made with just one prescriptive lens; the other lens was non-prescriptive. Consequently, when you looked me straight in the face my right, good eye looked normal while my left, bad eye looked HUMONGOUS.

Between the braces and the giant eye I caused a real scene. Strangers would ask my mother in a loud voice, “Can she hear me!?!” As if my googly eye and miniature glasses had somehow made me deaf as well.

“Yup. I sure can,” I would smartly reply and then wait for the laughter that followed. I did not know exactly why they were laughing but I loved laughing too so who cares, right?

It only took a few years for those two birth defects to be corrected, but another problem was discovered when I was seven years old. After years of painful and extremely baffling kidney and bladder infections, the doctors found my urinary tract had not formed properly.

The numerous exploratory surgeries uncovered the source of the birth defect as well as how to repair the problem. They were not sure I would survive the surgeries, but they knew for certain that I would eventually die if they did not try.

I had thirteen surgeries in all. I spent a year in the hospital. One of the toughest parts of the hospitalization was the catheter they had inserted into my urethra.

If you do not know what a catheter is, it’s a device that essentially pees for you. A tube was inserted into my urethra and into my bladder, allowing my pee to drain directly into a plastic pouch, which a nurse would carefully empty every now and then. This kept my bladder empty and reduced chances of infection. The catheter also meant that they did not have to disturb my aching body to get me to the bathroom day and night. Through all this I slowly healed, regained my strength and they took the catheter out.

As if living with the catheter was not bad enough, what it did to my pelvic muscles was even worse. Because I did not have to pee on my own accord for so long, I was not using my pelvic muscles to hold my pee or to stop and start the flow of pee. My muscles became so weak from lack of use that I literally could no longer control them.

Pee would just drip from my body. It was horrible. I was not sophisticated enough to express my feelings at the time but I felt like my body was trying to betray me in every way possible.

But this is where it gets good!

There was a nurse at the hospital, an amazing, gentle woman, who sat me down and taught me how to exercise my pelvic muscles so that one day I could regain control of them.

Once I figured out exactly which muscles she was talking about, it was pretty easy. All I needed to do was, take a few minutes to flex my muscles 30 times three times a day, for a total of 90 flexes a day.

The nurse made me promise that I would do these exercises each and every day. She put such an emphasis on the value of these exercises that when I made that promise, like any seven year old would, I took it very seriously.

I went home and I did my pelvic muscles exercises. And I did them every day.
But the funny thing was that NO ONE EVER TOLD ME TO STOP doing my exercises. I only knew I had to do them every day or else I might die or pee or who knows what! So by the time I turned eight I had developed such strength in my pelvic muscles that I was orgasming just by flexing my muscles.

I had suddenly found pleasure in a part of my body that had brought me such extreme pain and embarrassment.  Almost spontaneously this body that had betrayed me at every turn was making up for lost time. Although I had never heard the word masturbation and did not even know there was a name for it, I suddenly I became totally obsessed with it. Ultimately masturbating and orgasming only made my body stronger.

Today I can bring myself to orgasm simply by flexing my muscles and breathing. But don’t be too impressed. I am not special. I don’t have some kind of stunt pussy. I am just a perfect example of a person who came from a place of disability and in less than a year, through a little discipline, became incredibly orgasmic. If I could do it then you can too!

by Duckie Doolittle, from Sex With the Lights On

You can hear me read from Duckie's new book on In Bed this week, and hear more of my loving tributes. If she is coming to your town on her book tour, you MUST see her— she is an extraordinary presence. I'd go see her talk about tomatoes and demonstrate Swedish meatballs. See, I'm getting hungry and curious just talking about her.

In the second half of my show, I have a report from  Germany, where prostitutes are making their way from johns to geriatrics as they train in a state run program to care for the elderly.

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected] (Episode 249, May 12, 2006).

April 22, 2006

I Have a Dream: Porn, Race, and Reality

Tristantaormino2sm When I last talked to sister sex radical Tristan Taormino, she was fresh off her arduous job as the sex consultant on a Spike Lee joint, trying her level best to convince her director that women do indeed have this special thing called a clitoris.

In Bed with Susie Bright 246: House of Ass

But Tristan's new movie is her own, a runway inspiration titled House of Ass. She decided to to make a porn movie-cum-reality show, where as she put it, "people stop being polite and start getting naked."

The actors do get emotionally naked, in addition to the usual displays. Each of the performers are interviewed for their candid opinions throughout the course of  a weekend together in a mountain getaway, far from the Madding Crowd.

The spontaneous and blunt opinions Tristan elicits are what makes the DVD quite extraordinary. I know some will find my behavior bizarre, but I rushed through the sex parts to listen to what the next person had to say.

As an example, one of the young women, Joanna Angel, reviews her decision-making when she auditioned for the shoot. Would she do girl/girl? Sure. Anal? But of course! Double penetration? Not to worry.

But the next question was different: Will you do interracial?

Now this is a most peculiar industry standard question. It is only asked of fair-skinned women, and it only means one thing: will Miss Anne fuck a black guy? Men are not asked this question. Black women are not asked this question. Asian, Polynesian, Chicano, and biracial actors are not given a rag to bite down on. This is the  Mandingo-cliche of the film biz, a throwback  to the notion of "the flower of white womanhood." To see it on casting interviews still makes my eyes cross. It's part of mainstream movies too—  it's just baldfaced in porn casting, for obvious reasons.

Joanna demurs when she gets her interracial challenge. She explains, "I said no! I wouldn't want to do anything I hadn't done already in my personal life."

But afterward, her decision gnaws at her. "Am I racist?" she asks herself, goth eyebrows raised. She considers that it's unfair that she would stick any strange white guy's cock in her mouth, but that a black lover would be beyond the pale.  Her rational mind starts mocking her fears.

Now Joanna is young... her frame of historical reference is still her high school years. So are all the women on the shoot. The men tend to be a little older, in their 20s, or like Mr. Marcus, the 30-something black actor that Joanna eventually makes hay with.

I had the oddest feeling watching this movie, and it's because I haven't sat down to watch a two and a half hour porn movie from front to back in quite some time. I used to review porn for a living, from the time when there wasn't a disclaimer on ever X-rated movie warning you to be monogamous. Ha! Time has passed, and it hit me I have gone from identifying with the girl ON camera, to wondering what her mom is like.

The actresses on House of Ass, like all porn, are my daughter's peers.  A few years older, but the same emotional temperature. They live in that world where agony is whether you're popular or not. Insecurity about your looks is paramount, and adolescent bravado and determination is what pushes you through. 

So many of them are just crawling out of their egg. Joanna hasn't simply foregone a black lover in her history— I doubt she's had COFFEE with a black person before this shoot. You can tell that her life is segregated, like most suburban teens.  It occurred to me that that entering a porn career might be many people's first social encounter of any kind outside their demographic. Hello Amerikka!

Later Tristan interviews Marcus about his experience with racism in the porn business. He's frank, articulate, and a little weary, as you might imagine. This was my favorite interview of all!  After he talked, I wished I could see him get it on with someone his own age who has been around the block, but I guess that's a fetish of another kind.

The only movies I've ever seen where black men played the consorts of middle-aged women are the so-called "fat videos"— where a white woman's "voracious" appetite is further illustrated by her penchant for black men, all young muscular types.

It's as if when you're fat, you finally can go wild and have everything you ever wanted, every taboo wish— without apology. Finally, a relief from White Propriety. More pie? More orgasms? Dig in, Miss Anne!

Tristan Taormino's House of ASS
Starring Joanna Angel, Justine Joli, Sarah Blake, Keeani Lei, Saana, Mr. Marcus, Scott Nails, and Talon.

Check out the trailer at the link... nice music, eh?

Also on this week's radio show, I get a letter from a man who says he hasn't had sex in 13 years. Gosh, what's the rush?  (Episode 246, April 21, 2006).

April 03, 2006

Sex on the Margin

Poster_james_dean Whenever we hear doubts about male bisexuality, I remember a particular moment in time in the mid-80s. I lived in San Francisco. AIDS had affected everyone I knew.

Among friends and lovers, I was struck by the number of men who told me that they felt "lucky" to be equally attracted to men and women, because in the climate of risk they found themselves in, it was easier to pursue women as partners.

They felt a sense of loss and frustration, but they moved to women's beds— and stayed there.

I also talked to a lot of men who were decidedly gay, but said they'd rather withdraw from partner sex, period. Again, they were motivated by their sense of risk.

You didn't hear much about these decisions in public, because the main emphasis in San Francisco's public health policy was to stress safe sex, to stay strong in your queer identity, and not throw yourself off the cliff in despair or self-destructive behavior.

I had lots of worries with my friends, especially the ones who were barricading themselves from the world. I pleaded with my newly "abstinent" comrades to consider condoms instead of vows of celibacy.

I asked my bisexual lovers, "Can a whole side of you just "retire"— is that for real?"

Meanwhile, lesbian sexual adventure was going through the roof, with the debut of On Our Backs, regular lesbian play parties all over town, gay girl burlesque, and the first lesbian erotic movie companies. It was like being on another planet from the rest of the world, the secret sapphic orgy.

No one said, "I"m becoming a dyke after carefully evaluating my "X" risk factor," but in hindsight, it makes you think.

The conversations and arguments we all had about these choices came back to mind when I read a new report from an economist, Andrew Francis, who has figured out that, dollar for dollar, it costs more to sleep with men than with women.

In Bed with Susie Bright 243: Sex on the Margin

I first read this report in my new favorite mind-twister blog, The Marginal Revolution.

They note, "the tendency to greater homosexuality among women and less among men is exactly what the economic theory predicts given how AIDS affects the price of sex."

So, what happened to my pals from 20-years-ago?

The ones who really dug women did, indeed, find partners— in many cases bisexual women— and often settled down with them.

Monogamy— or should I say, feverish attempts at monogamy— was how most of my friends addressed AIDS, whether they were gay, straight, or bi. I hated that strategy the most, not because it didn't reduce risk, but because it fed so much gunpowder into the morality theatrics.

And those who swore they'd never leave their room again?

As I feared, it was the most repressive choice. Many of them had lapses, in which they had unsafe sex, doubled their guilt and self-loathing,  and compromised their health.

A few others— in a trend that no economist has discussed!— discovered that life as a solo sex artist suited them. The post-AIDS explosion in porn, sex toys, and masturbation suited them to a T.

So, Daddy, what did you do in the AIDS wars? Have any of you noticed if your bisexual life has played out one way or another, in response to risk?

In the rest of this week's episode of In Bed, I read an erotic passage from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's new novella, Memories of My Melancholy Whores. It's worth a post in itself, which I will save for later!

Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I listen to one man's defense for why marijuana is the best sex drug of all time. Conflicting testimonies, anyone?

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected]

March 29, 2006

Detecting Fellatio & Other Sex Dilemmas

Tn_real_police_stories_5504_jpg You've all heard the jokes about vice squad cops who try to trick massage parlor girls into giving them some illegal thrills.

But in Spotsylvania, Virginia, things have gotten so out of hand the sheriff had to call a press conference to announce that from now on, public funds will not be spent willy-nilly on investigative blow jobs.

The cops on this detail visited the same women numerous times to "secure their conviction." One time the officer left a $350 tip. Such a gesture before an arrest!

In Bed with Susie Bright #242: Sex on the Job

After my vice squad thrashing, I decided to catch up on my letters to the show for this episode, and answer more than my usual fistful.

The first mail I read is from a woman listener whose sex life is drying up just three months into a new affair. I'm glad she wrote me in these crucial first 90 days!

If you are getting DANGER! WILL ROBINSON! NO ONE IS FUCKING! messages early on in a relationship, the worst thing you can do is "hope it will just get better on its own."

It's not just flu bug or passing moment of ennui. The couple is right in the thick of establishing their template.

I'm radical on this topic, probably extreme. I can think back to the first date, the first bedding, of any long-term relationship I've had, and in hindsight, see that all the clues for our future were there, in the first 24 hours.

My second and third letters came from a young woman who wonders if she really is as bisexual as she "feels" and why are all of her friends acting grossed out by anal sex.

I found from her letter that I couldn't tell how much of her sexual exploration was to live up to her boyfriend's fantasies, or how much was driving her from within.

And it's tricky, isn't it? We're all familiar with the coercive story of an older guy pressing a younger woman into doing something kinky she doesn't actually dig. Pictures of Jane Fonda and Roger Vadim are prancing in my head!

But in some cases, when you're the "young" one, you are so happy that someone else is taking the lead, giving you confidence to take an initiative, inspiring you. And although coercion vs. inspiration seem like an easy I.D. to me now, I was a lot more fuzzy in my youth. One of the few ways I could really test my gut was to reflect on my own masturbation fantasies, which are more truthful than what I might have "said" in public.

As for the dopes who think anal sex is "icky," I tried to give our adventurous heroine a list of punchy retorts. Someone is always going to say a certain kind of sex grosses them out, and it's sort of like a schoolchild spitting out a gourmet treat. You're just going to have to allow for the development of their palate!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, and feedback about the show to [email protected] (Episode 242, March 24, 2006) Lots of fun pulp magazine covers like the one above at Pulpworld.

March 22, 2006

Librarians: 1; Vice Squad: 0

Readingsmall I'm singing the praises of librarians everywhere after learning of this startling incident at a library in Bethesda, Maryland. They're the sex-positive vanguard of free speech, and they never get the kudos!

Two "Homeland Security" anti-terrorism cops walked into the main reading room at the Little Falls branch library, and shouted that everyone working on the public computers was not allowed to look at "porn."

In Bed 241: Porn Persuasion

I guess they didn't get the kindergarten memo about using a "quiet voice" in the library. Neither did they reveiw a copy of their job description, either, in which they would find out "obscenity enforcement" is not part of the gig. Perhaps the saddest part is that they don't seem acquainted with Momma's favorite reference title, the First Amendment!

Meanwhile, back at the library, the officers demanded certain library patrons step outside with them immediately, as if they were about to make an arrest.

But instead— in an unnamed act of heroism that is typical of librarian valor— one of the staffers called their bosses upstairs, and then she took these two H.S. hoodlums outside to read their beads. 

The library patrons, presumeably, went back to their wild porn site surfing that is so typical of public reading rooms these days.... COUGH!

Public libraries figured out long ago how to deal with internet mischief. For one, there's a time limit on how long you can be online. You're in the middle of the room, and there is NO WAY you are going to be masturbating to your favorite Suicide Girl in this fishbowl. You have very little privacy at all. My experience on library computers is that there are always a dozen little boys milling around who want to kick me off so they can get on to play games... not very relaxing.

Some people are looking up info that might be upsetting for any number of reasons... like war casualities, for example. But no one from Homeland Security makes a stink about that.

Has this outrage awakened the ire of the good citizens of Bethesda? I would give anything to send a medal to that librarian— and if any of you know who she is, write me! 

The second half of my show concerns the old debate about how porn-loving partners can win their dubious lovers over to their cause.

The thing I hate about this subject is that it's always framed as: Male Porn Dog vs. Tearful, Angry Jealous Girlfriend Who Will Never Understand.

Why is it, that NEVER ONCE do we hear a story about a woman who likes to mastubate, but her boyfriend has a meltdown because he caught her with a copy of Best American Erotica, or watching Tristan Taormino's House of Ass?

But we don't hear that story... instead we are media-peppered with bizarro boyfriends who are buried under 500 hardcore videos and can't dig themselves out. Yeah, right, I've seen them all on Oprah, and the herd is NOT THAT BIG. 

There are so many women who are afraid of masturbation, whereas the number of OCD men with porn compusions pales by comparison.  This is a gender bias issue, a women's liberation issue, and I'll be happy to see the day that perspective rules the reality check.

Of course there are nice reassuring things you can say if your lover is jealous of your solo erotic life. You basically SHOW them how much you really, really like them! 

But I think a more sound place to combat this insecurity is to tap into the jealous person's own fantasy well. What do THEY fantasize about? What do they like to masturbate to in their mind? If they are orgasmic, they're going to admit there's something there, and it's precious to them.

If they are NOT having orgasms easily or regularly; there you have your culprit. How can they understand what a solo sex life is like if they don't have one— and are afraid of it?   

Finally, in the last part of my show,my mailbag, a man writes in who loves "cuddle sex" and wonders if it's legit.  Squeeze me, and let's find out!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, birthday cards, and feedback about the show to [email protected] (Episode 241, March 17, 2006).

March 15, 2006

My Sour Apple Cabana Boy Fantasy

235895606nmlqit_ph_1 I liked that "Stop Fucking Him" rant on Cherie Priest's blog so much, I decided to read it out loud on my latest In Bed show.

The audible version has its own special spellbinding qualities:

In Bed with Susie Bright #240: Men Have Orgasms, Women Have Babies

After my South Dakota Flip-Out Update, I move onto a sexier topic...

A couple weeks ago, I made my first appearance on Radio Blowfish, a podcast for the erotic sextoy connoisseur and video/book afficionado. You can download my guest appearance here.

Blowfish wanted to talk about some new lubes they have for sale: a Jolly Ranger Sour Apple— which I took exception to ON PRINCIPLE— and another clear gel that is a new entry in the silicon genre.

We ended up having the best indepth conversation about lubricant I've had in years!

Results:  I am prejudiced against flavored lubes.  I don't even approve of sour apple martinis, let alone Jolly Ranchers.

However, I will concur, after sampling,  that the taste of this stuff really has improved. Christophe, Blowfish's guru, explains that this is thanks to the diet industry effect on the flavor revolution. Who Knew? They are no longer simply that cinnamon red-hot Kama Sutra crap that I remember from the bad old days.

In the silicone-lube department, we have a different element altogether. These lubes were originally designed for anal sex... something non-water-soluable, compatible with condoms, that would last and last. They were marketed to the gay-guy-at-the-bathhouse set.

But over the years, silicon lube's been discovered by women who want to vanquish vaginal dryness... the kind you get from a drying drug regime, or menopause. 

Finally, if a woman wants to have (penetrating) sex in a hot tub, her only chance to have a good time is to use silicon lube— slipperiness that won't be ruined by all that H2o.  Call the cabana boy, I'm coming home!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential sex questions, feedback about the show, and your birthday cards to [email protected] (Episode 240, March 10, 2006)

Ken Baby here.

March 04, 2006

Birthdays, MILFS, and Pearls

Wornoutslut_4 Whip out the glitter gun! There's just 22 card-making days left 'til MY birthday and I invite YOU to send me your very best birthday card.

In Bed with Susie Bright #239: The Boomer Wench Years

I love birthday cards, postcards... and it's a shame one doesn't seem to get as many of them after you hit 18... and here I am, just turning 19, afraid of an empty mailbox!

This year, I thought I could roll out my greedy plan with a tiny contest: send me a birthday greeting, and I will reward my favorites with autographed copies of Best American Erotica 2006.

You know I can't resist.

You can email your handmade card to me, at: susie at susiebright dot com.

Or, you can snail mail me one, that's even more fun. My address is POB 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061.

With my 48th birthday around the corner, I find myself wondering: Am I a MILF? On TV and tabloids, the MILFs look like heavily doctored devotees of Nip/Tuck... and I sure don't look like a desperate bookwife. On the internet, the most heavily trafficked MILF sites feature women who look like they're in their 20s, but who've been smoking and drinking heavily.

Yet that one word, MILF, comes up every single day on my blog's "most searched for keywords."

It's interesting the expression comes from a teenage boys' point of view. If women created it for their own interests, it would have been: "Moms Who'd Like To..."— MWLTF. Unpronounceable, to be sure. But things DO get more complicated when you're in charge.

Why didn't this acronym exist when I was a kid? Back then, I would have called that kind of woman a "Mrs. Robinson," from Anne Bancroft's performance in The Graduate. She was kinda creepy and threatening, even if she did have those LEGS. I was  immersed in my "youth world," where truly, you didn't trust anyone over 30, and you certainly didn't want to have sex with them.

I'm thinking of some of the women I used to babysit for... they were the moms of those skaters you see in Lords of Dogtown, surfer-chick moms, divorced moms with ex's in the music/film business, reformed rock groupies. (I lived in West LA).

Come to think of it, many of them were pretty, stylish—I wanted their clothes— and sexually active. But they were with men their own age or older. Sure, maybe their teenage sons had pals who swooned and masturbated over them secretly, but the emphasis was on SECRET.

Am I naive? I remember sharing a kiss with a good-looking brawny surfer who I then pushed away when he blurted out he was only 15. "I'm too old for you, this is wrong," I said, profoundly shaken up— at 17. 

In honor of lustrous wisdom and hidden allure, I'm reading a story on the show today from BAE 2006, called "Granny Pearls," by Salome Wilde, an erotic tale about what happens to some precious beads who thought life might have passed them by.

Finally, in my Try This At Home mailbag, I answer a letter from a woman who wonders if female porn stars really do have orgasms "at work."

P.S. Do you like my "magazine cover"? I made it myself with a free digital photo link-toy, called FlagrantDisregard.


Don't forget, you can send your birthday wishes, confidential sex questions, and feedback about the show to: susie at audible dot com. (Episode 239, March 3, 2006).

February 24, 2006

The Case of the Missing G-Spot

Factswhere In 1984, I has plenty to say about the G-spot. My On Our Backs partner, Debi Sundahl, had come home one day from her sex-show shift at the Mitchell Brothers' theater and announced, "Lori Parker found my G-spot— WATCH THIS!" 

She proceeded to demonstrate how her work-wife Lori had fucked her brains out in the Ultra Room and made her drench the floor.

This week's radio show: In Bed with Susie Bright 238: The Grafenberg Files

I was impressed.

The same week, Beverly Whipple had published a book called "The G-Spot," in which she quietly took a moment in her acknowledgments to thank a group of Miami lesbians for their invaluable research assistance.

It's no accident that lesbians were the fore-mothers of the g-spot renaissance. That squishy spot behind your vaginal walls is easiest to find, and fondle, with your hands.

Around the same time,  Suzanne Gage and the Feminist Women's Health Centers published a book, which showed a  picture of what the whole clitoris looked like— not just the little glans we see on the outside— but the whole body of the clit, which is hidden from our view, if not our touch.

The earth shifted under our pelvic floors. Women who had always said, "It's not in my head, I really do get off from penetration," had an explanation. Women who ejaculated had a new understanding that indeed, they were not pissing the floor, but rather coming their own little bucket.

I wrote a story called "G-Spot Jitters" for OOB. We ran features galore on the subject, and Debi made her own video, "How to Female Ejaculate."

Meanwhile, doctors and researchers continued to debate the g-spot's  existence, a debate which was laughable to its gushing accolytes. We were learning "the clitoral truth," as Rebecca Chalker puts it.

BUT! Just when it all seemed so rosy (like a VH1 Behind the Scenes) I found myself disenchanted by the g-spot overkill.

Not every woman embraced her "G," or found it to be all that. Not every woman would or coud ejaculate, or even wanted to.

I didn't. Since when did it become a requirment? I didn't expect every woman to gush and squirt from the press of a "button" anymore than I would expect every woman to adore cunnilingus, or anal sex, or nipple-sucking. We're not dolls; this is real life.

To my dismay, I began to meet a new generation of women who felt like something was wrong with them because they didn't have magical g-spot vaginal orgasms— that they were deformed, broken, or incapable. It was the same old myth of the vaginal orgasm  again, with G'ed-up dressing.

The feminine quicksand of self-doubt—not again!

Men don't typically do this to themselves. When a man overhears that some OTHER guy likes his balls fondled, does he freak out if he doesn't find the same tickle to be a turn-on? Of course not! The average Joe trusts his cock and trusts what he likes. This is the confidence so many women miss, not some g-spot geography lesson.

If a woman likes the way she becomes aroused, if she's pleased with her orgasm, then why would she tie yourself in knots about something that mildly, if at all, raises her flag?

Women who have the most anxiety about G-spots are the ones who have difficult with any kind of orgasm, or who feel embarrassed about the way they do get off.

Hey, if you come, you did it right! No G-spot method on earth is going to change that. Why, oh why,  won't women dig their clits the way most men dig their cocks? I rend my garments over this.

I finally stopped blabbing about the "G"  because I  wanted to focus on women coming, period, rather than  being obsessed with doubts that they didn't have the right body for pleasure.

But today, I'm breaking my silence campaign. My friend Anne Semans at Babeland showed me their new website, The Gspot Center.  I think it's the best, most helpful, well-designed G-spot info I've ever seen.

If I had to pinpoint the Gspot Center message that struck my sponge, it's this one thing: If you aren't turned on in the first place, rubbing your g-spot will feel no better than scratching your head.

Anyone can reach inside with a curled finger or dildo, and find the little fleshy mound anterior to their pubic bone. There it sits!  But if you'rerubbing it in the absence of arousal, NOTHING will happen. You will yawn.

The way to find g-spot pleasure,  is to get raring hot in your familiar fashion. Play with your tenderest spot, and the fantasy that you love. Get yourself to the point where you could come any minute.

Now reach in and rub that g-place.... HELLO!  It's a whole new feeling, isn't it? You press on that enlarged little bean now, and it really feels good. If you're still playing with the outside of your clit, you'll start to feel like you're alternating between these two delicious ends. Yum. And it  doesn't matter where you go from there, because the fact is, you'll be coming soon, depending on how long you tease yourself.

Now, what about partners and intercourse? Lots of people are fixed on that possibility. A man can rub and press his penis against the "G," but you have to get in the right position.... and "Missionary" ain't it. If I was new to it all, I'd master the masturbation mode, and then you'll know exactly how you like it.

Dg215800 I like some of these new G-toys! Anne was so kind to send me some samples. I don't care whether they vibrate or not—what I like is how they have that acute angle that curls around and up so nicely...

I tried this one called the Orchid that has earned a permanent throne in my toybox. Remember though!— I didn't just insert it and start screaming... I was aroused, and then I woke up the dormouse. That's the way it works.

By the way, I still don't flood the room. I will never be a featured presentation in the Ultra Room, quelle domage. I would have gone the extra mile for Lori Parker, but she was one of the sweetest who's no longer with us...  a woman who taught so many other women what going stark-crazy-sex-mad was all about.

P.S. In my mailbag on this week's show, I  answer a letter from a man who is wondering about getting a Prince Albert piercing— is his foreskin going to get in the way. Inquiring minds...

In Bed with Susie Bright 238: The Grafenberg Files

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions, requests for golden freebie tickets, and feedback about the show to [email protected] (Episode 238, February 24, 2006).

February 17, 2006

My Sexy Oscar

Insidestoneparker Roll out the pink carpet! From Good Night and Good Luck to Brokeback Mountain, I have a head full of gossip and comment on this year's Oscar nominations.

In Bed with Susie Bright 237: Susie's Nominees for Best Sex

In Good Night and Good Luck, my hat is off to the director for taking an entirely unsexy subject (Joe McCarthy) and infusing it with erotic atmosphere.

Smoking— everyone puffing away— never looked so good.That beautiful black and white celluloid gets me in the mood. Then there's those foundation garments. Foundation garments on Patricia Clarkson in particular. The music, with Dianne Reeves singing, was so seductive, I went directly to the music store after the movie theater, put the record on at home, and stripped. Where's my black satin garter belt?

But let’s move on to the meat of Oscar night: Brokeback.The success of this movie is sweet indeed. The film lived up to the hype because it was a first class act all the way.

For those of us on the team, the big question is, “When does the Director's Cut come out? —With the unexpurgated sex scenes? I am ready to endure every take.

For mainstream critics, the big surprise was that BB was a "woman’s movie," even more than a gay men's heartbeat. The not-so-secret secret that women find gay sex erotic is finally out of the bag for good.

Gay characters have traditionally been played for comic relief or pathos in Hollywood... not for sex appeal. This is the only truly arousing gay big-screen movie since Midnight Cowboy...  I certainly do not include Making Love.

The other MUST-see in the Oscar bag is in the "Best Documentary" category:  Murderball. This is a story about men who have spinal cord injuries and play an ruthless game of rugby from their Mad Max-styled wheelchairs, all the way to the Olympics.

It could've just been a great sports film, a brilliant "never give up" homage, but this movie went the extra mile by offering more candor about men's sex lives than any other movie this year— or most years for that matter.

Who are you rooting for, Oscar-wise? What are your favorite movies of the past year that didn't even get mentioned?

I end my audio show this week by answering a letter from a devout feminist who's fearing her  S/M fantasies and wonders if she's really losing her mind.  —Well, one can always hope!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected] And if you'd like to hear In Bed for free for the first time, or turn a friend onto it, send me an email with the subject "Golden Ticket" to susie at audible dot com.

February 10, 2006

The Valentine Curse

Anti_valentine2 The pressure to give the perfect Valentine's Day advice is enough to makes any sex guru shatter. I always get a little shakey. In the past I've heard complaints from the "overlooked." I am determined to leave no stone or heart unturned this time.

In my In Bed radio show this week, I deliver a Complete Valentine Clinic. Single? Check. Married? Check. Don't Give a Flying Fuck? Double check! 

In fact, the best fun I had in my clinic was offering support and inspiration to cupid's curmudgeons. I thought of some really dastardly things to do on Valentines Day. No cynic is safe from me.

Let's play a little Valentine's Game:  I invite you to post in the commments below, and describe the WORST, SHITTIEST, WEIRDEST, or JUST_PLAIN_BAD Valentine experience you have ever had. It can be on the giving, receiving, or indifferent end of it all. 

I'll pick one that touchs my inner anti-romantic, and send you a free, lovingly inscribed copy of the new Best American Erotica 2006.

Hey, by the way, I love valentines, real ones that come in the mail, more than anything. Do you wanna send me one? My address is POB 8377, Santa Cruz, CA 95061. If you send me something cool, I'll take a picture of it for the blog. (And if you want a valentine from me, look here.)

Also, on In Bed today, I take a letter from a woman who wants to know why she's plagued by lovers who have teenages, whom she detests. Ah yes! People-Who-Lust-For- Mommies, I know them well.

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to susie  at audible dot com!  And if you want a ticket for a free show, email me with "golden ticket" in the subject line.

Episode 236, February 10, 2006

February 03, 2006

Ralph Reed Will Take Your Laundry Now

B0009w8aqk01_sclzzzzzzz_gif I remember the very day when a skinny-faced boy named Ralph Reed, who didn't look any older than me, announced the formation of the "Christian Coalition." Time called him "the right hand of God."  Makes you feel like grabbing the soap and water, doesn't it?

I lived in Los Angeles when the Moral Majority came of age. I had just spend a month walking door-to-door in Crenshaw, admitting to a lot of bewildered housewives that I was gay— (telling them I was bisexual  would have only made matters more confusing)— and asking them to vote against a ballot proposition that would make all "Friends of Dorothy" in the California school system subject to instant dismissal.

The proposition was thankfully defeated, but it was quite an ordeal. It was championed by a state senator named John Briggs who sponsored this type of "God, Country, and Our Precious Children" legislation so that no homosexual, or friend of a homosexual, could ever teach in public schools again.

And the thing was, I believed him. I believed that this man truly felt threatened by gay life, that he believed in his conservative Christian faith, and that he associated communism and godlessness with sexual perversion.

That was so 70s. That was so naive! What a poseur!

Today's Bible Thumping Lobbyist/Wingjob Hack, including the illustrious Ralph Reed himself, could not care less about anyone's personal behavior, especially his own.

Why some of these bigots' best friends are gay. Hell, many of the ARE gay. They like money, porn, hookers, booze, getting high, and laughing all the way to the bank better than anyone.

Thanks to the Abramhoff scandal revelations, we're getting an candid look at the dirt. Ralph Reed thinks it's a laugh-riot to get his "flock" to send donations to him to stop gambling. Then he takes all those dollars and pours them into the Indian casino of his choice. Whoopee! Gambling scams are  a great way to fool people and make tons of money!  I bet he'd launder a suitcase of meth and hooker's underwear if you'd like to load it in the back of the van.

It's time to stop "debating" these crooks as if they take a principled interest in their "positions." I don't believe they do, and this is the topic of my audio show this week:

In Bed radio show with Susie Bright #235: Looking for One Chaste Man.

The Phony-Phaithful don't care about abortion— they don't hesitate a moment to arrange for their mistresses and daughters to have one.  They don't care about drugs— they enjoy them. They don't care who fucked who— but they'd like their followers to assume the position. Just show them the money, and they'll punch your ticket.

In their elite world, anything goes. The Abramoff exposé has shown one slice of sleaze. But I'm more interested in how the revelations have changed the social discourse between "right" and "left."

Ralph_reed Where can you find me an honest neo-conservative? Are they in hiding? Are they dying of shame?  Is there any one of them that actually believes in anything besides being a bagman?

Such an earnest diehard is likely a theoretical impossibility. The last true-blue John Bircher wandered off the deep end a long time ago. As a shame-faced conservative wrote in the NYT last week: Evangelicals in the United States have undermined the credibility of their moral and evangelistic witness in the world by pursuing political power.

I'll say! Honest, tolerant people don't run around trying to shame and stone others for their personal lives. This is why Jesus was so popular.

If you can't tolerate "certain people," on principle, you will rely on exclusion and discrimination. If you rely on the faith that you're better than anyone else because God and Money have chosen you, you'll never get any rest. Others must be humiliated and vanquished if they refuse to serve. Democracy becomes impossible, a villain.

If I was canvassing door-to-door today, I'd go pay sympathy calls to the households who sent money to Ralphie, Lou Sheldon, James Dobson, and all these other "perverts" (in the classic sense of the word!). These guys set up money-laundering operations with titles like "American," "Family," and "Values" attached to them, turning the very descriptions into vulgarities.  I can't hear these group's names anymore without blushing. How many more dead bodies are under the prayer mat?

It goes from the violent and criminal to the  awkward and ridiculous— very quickly:

Lisa Baron, the spokesperson for Ralph Reed, is popping up in print these days with the shockingly saucy— often downright ribald— weekly column she writes for The Sunday Paper, an alt-weekly aimed at Atlanta's young upscale types.

Among Baron's topics: her private parts, the day she wanted to put a lizard down her husband's pants, and 'her unfulfilled desires' to 'sleep her way through the ethnic equivalent of Disney's It's a Small World ride. But Baron sees no conflict between her work for the LG candidate/ex-Christian Coalition president and her column...Her husband, Jimmy, hosts a raunchy radio show. (Washington Post, 12/22).

I did find time to talk about a couple other things on my show this week...  I review two new gift items that couldn't be more different: the Rapex condom-- the one with barbs in the sheath to cripple your invader—  and the Chocolate Clone-A-Willy, which is for when you kiss and make up.

Seriously, I think the Rapex is some kind of joke, and the Chocolate Willie is a technology whose time has come! I want one, with bittersweet chocolate, please.

In my mailbag, the last segment of my show, I respond to a letter from a divorced dad who is having trouble keeping his sex life and his pre-teen daughter under the same roof. I"m sure many will have empathy with him!

January 30, 2006

Herpes Not So Confidential

08001b_herpes In Bed radio show #234: Herpes Not So Confidential:

Hi Everyone... My name is Susie, I have herpes— and you probably do too!

Don't laugh! Okay, you can laugh, but this is no ordinary confession. Herpes is the most popular STD in the world. There’s more people with herpes than all the other viral STDs combined. In fact, after the common cold, herpes is THE most common virus a human being can have. 

You'd think a fact like this would make people treat it like a public health concern instead of some dreadful sexual secret. But oh no!— there's so much profit and fear to be gained by keeping everyone in turmoil.

The fact is, herpes, like the common cold, can be passed through sexual contact, but that's the "sexual" extent of it! Sexual shame has demonized this virus beyond all scientific recognition.

I decided to devote my In Bed radio show to herpes this week, because I'm blown away by the number of my own friends, who I thought "knew better," have been suffering deeply with chronic outbreaks.

Herpes is not life threatening, but it sure is a drag if you don’t know what you’re dealing with.  Last week I talked to two old friends who broke down crying because their relationships have in part, fallen apart over this issue. I’m going to share with you what I told them:

Get Educated— and get treated. These two steps are going to remove virtually all of your herpes-related problems and your're going to kick yourself for having wasted ONE minute before you got wise.

My story today is mostly for people who already know they have herpes, 'cause they've had the outward symptoms.

However, for those of you who are puzzled by all the fuss, here's the deal: You can carry the virus for years and years without having an outbreak. You can be "shedding" it, that is to say, contagious, without noticing symptoms, because you either don't know what the sensations are, or you've never had an "attack" that aroused your suspicions.

Since we're all going to the doctor for one thing or another these days, ask your doctor for the specific herpes antibodies test. Then you'll know, and you can make a HUGE difference with that knowledge. If you haven’t been tested for the herpes virus, you don’t know if you have the antibodies or not. So don’t be smug. If you are sexually active, (i.e, not life-long celibate)  find out.

I suppose the biggest myth about herpes, which I believed most of my life, was that  getting a "cold sore" on my mouth was just some childhood nuisance, but "herpes" was something you got from sex.

Nope. There is no difference between mouth and genital herpes, it’s the same virus. Some conservative in the medical PR Dept.  gave lay people different names for the virus above the waist (Herpes Simplex 1) and below the waist (Herpes Simplex 2). But in terms of the scientific documentation, herpes is herpes. In fact, it's part of the same family of virus as chicken pox and shingles.  You can get herpes anywhere, not just on your genitals or face.

Once you have the virus, it's a touchy little thing. Stress of all kinds can initiate painful and distressing herpes symptoms. Sunburn can give you an outbreak. Having a cold or any other illness. An emotional upset. More women than men have it. It's worse for women because our periods trigger it. You’re not dreaming, sweetheart, that it comes like clockwork once a month!

The other nonsense about herpes, that everyone knows who's had more than a couple outbreaks, is that the whole thing is nothing but a "sore."

Sore, schmore! Some of the worst herpes symptoms are the parts of it that feel like having a terrible flu. You ache all over, especially in your joints. Your glands swell up. You have a headache that's killing you. Your skin just "hurts." This is all before the famous "sore" even turns up.

You may have had intimate relations of any kind to be exposed to herpes, (just like a flu) but after that, herpes will be triggered by all manner of things.

141539sxaw_w Like most people coping with herpes, I tried every "natural" and "alternative" remedy there is to stop it. There is NOTHING that universally stops the outbreaks, except one specific viral-suppressant drug, that is available only by prescription.

It makes me so mad that phony advertisers and spammers give people hope that their snake oil will cure them, because it won't. Those cons are as stupid as someone telling you that AIDS can be stopped with a tea, or a acupuncture needle, or a herbal remedy.

The ONLY drugs that, without fail, foil herpes attacks are Famvir  and Valtrex.  Period. They're both essentially the same drug. They don't eliminate the virus, but they stop it from getting into motion. They keep it dormant. That may sound like a disappointment, but it isn't. By foiling the virus's action, you will feel herpes-free, for all practical purposes.

With Famvir, you have to take it twice a day, and it's cheap. Valtrex is once a day and expensive.  They both should be over the counter, and free to anyone who needs them, goddamn it!

I take my pill every day because I don't want to every have another outbreak. Ever. Again. The prophylactic effect is exactly what I want. However, some people, who haven't had the virus chronically, find that they can take them less often and still get a good, suppressant effect.  This question, and other personal details, is why you would value seeing a doctor or nurse to get started.

If you haven't tried these drugs, you are going to be floored when you do. There is not if's, and's, or but's about them. They work the same on everyone, and are tolerated well by virtually everyone. You, too, will be like the happy people in the Valtrex ad, dancing all around as if they didn't have a care in the world. You are going to stop feeling like you are sick all the time. My cynicism about other herpes remedies kept me from believing that anything would change, and I am so glad I finally found out the real deal.

Do you have a responsibility to tell your sex partners? This is a red herring. It assumes sexual guilt and confession— that you're harboring some awful secret because of your disgusting past.

Start from this point instead: Assume everyone already has herpes.

The question is, what have you done about it?  Does your lover know what's up with herpes and their own self-care?

I use comdoms/safe sex precautions with new lovers whose health histories I'm not familiar with. Duh! I'm on Valtrex, and I have not had an outbreak since I started the drug. In this situation, it's virtually impossible that I could "give" someone herpes— it's been reduced to a theoretical rather than actual possibility. So no, I don't bring up herpes automatically when I get asked out on a date.

Herpes info and treatment should be free. It should be OTC. Doctors across the board should have up-to-date info on the virus. This is still being treated like some nasty nympho-alley disease that we’re all supposed to be shocked to discover. What baloney. The more people start speaking openly about it, the sooner we’ll have public health policy that addresses it with sanity. We need a vaccine, not an abstinence lecture.

I know I always urge you to listen to my radio show, but this time, I want to reach out particularly to any of you who have herpes, or who have a lover/family member with herpes... don't keep suffering. Dry your tears!  Listen to my broadcast, (email me for a free coupon if you need to!) check out my links above, get an appointment with a STD clinic or sex-positive doctor. Get your 'script and start the happy dance.

Note: The links I've provided above are all to HerpesDoctor.com, which I think has fantastic, comprehensive information for the layperson.

However, they also run "Google Adsense" ads on their site from all the phony herpes cure providers, which directly contradict the solid medical information they present! That is so stupid.

I found these kind of problems with all the herpes websites I went to. The CDC is run by Bush, so their info acts like HSV is some weird unusual problem that you can't do anything about except be a virgin. The commercial sites promote a lot of garbage. The medical research sites are great, but hard to read if you're not a healthcare person. They're also filled with controversy.

What I've outlined above, to me, is the bottom line:

Herpes is common, and people don't realize that. It is unfairly demonized. There is an effective medication to stop outbreaks, but it's not widely known. People are being bamboozled, which is why herpes has become so universal!

January 21, 2006

The Camwhore Chronicles

Undergroundf I've been fuming ever since I read "Through His Webcam, a Boy Joins a Sordid Online World," Kurt Eichenwald's recent investigative piece in the New York Times:

Just the headline alone gives you a taste of what's to come, doesn't it? It's all about how an ace reporter rescued a Internet-scarred teen for his own noble motives! He doesn't quite fit the Upton Sinclair role model, though.

This is the subject of my newest In Bed audioshow,  #233.

At the top of Times' story, we view a sexy picture of the teenage subject, Justin, posing provocatively for his webcam. —This, in a story about child exploitation!

The last photo of the article shows James again, in choir robes, singing in his Christian choir, SAVED AT LAST.  You see, you can be born again—  all the effects of child abuse and homosexuality can be cured by prayer and a witness protection program.

(Note: my link to the story does not contain the photos, because I am NOT going to  perpetuate this shit).

As far as I'm concerned, the Times is another enabler and exploiter in the "sordid" story. At this point, they're the stinkiest part of it, since they're the only ones not copping either a plea or any responsibility! They've scared ignorant parents out of their wits about their kids using computers, and exploited their victim to sell papers. They should be ashamed of themselves.

If you read the whole saga, you'll find out some second-tier "details" that I find more telling than than the bandwidth connection. Justin's parents are terrifying examples of physical abuse, pimping, and neglect. The father beat his kid senseless into the hospital, and then disappeared for years. The mom "never knew" her son to have any friends, and had "no idea" why he went on long trips with strangers or hid in his room with his computer.

When Justin eventually found his father, and confessed that he was an online prostitute,  his dad decided to get in on the profits! None of this family picture is analyzed by our brave reporter. The reason the Times believes James went down the wrong path is because he had a fast DSL connection and one thing just led to another. Sure, his parents were awful, but he got great grades in school until  that computer made him turn bad!

We've seen these stories before, but this example is the worst. They've created fear and titillation instead of explaining how young people are put at risk for abuse and exploitation— cycles that can't be stopped by simply pulling a plug.

There are thousands of kids who suffer incest, beating, and profound neglect. 99% of them aren't on a web cam. No one gives a damn— the Times hasn't called in the calvary.

The extra sicko twist is that this story came out during the Christmas holidays. It was published right after the Times had been disgraced for the Judith Miller Credibility Gap. This was supposed to be their big uplifting redemption! "Sordid" doesn't even begin to describe it.

I'm proud that my teenager, and so many of her friends, know how to navigate the Internet. She is not at any more risk of being conned on the Web than she is taking the bus to school... in fact, I think our local bus system possibly has MORE trolls and predators than the internet.

Of course this confidence comes with knowledge and preparation... but that was a pleasure. I loved turning her onto computers the same way I loved reading to her when she was little. Her computer literacy is just another part of life now.

I like talking to her about music, movies, politics, and professors— the stuff that we found online yesterday, or the day before. It's one of the few things that young people get to do these days that makes them feel powerful and independent.

If you can teach your kid to "look both ways before you cross the street" you can do the same for them online. But it's not rules and cautions that makes the difference... it's who you are as a family.

Anyone can learn how to use an umbrella— or a filter— but you can't snap yourself out of an abusive home. The loneliness, desperation, and self-loathing this kid Justin lived with is indeed heartbreaking. If he hadn't "acted out" on his web cam, you can be sure he would self-destructed in one of the more old-fashioned ways.  But then... Mr. Eichenwald wouldn't have taken such a interest.

This coming year we are going to hear more than ever that online pornography is the most serious and profound problem the world faces. Witness the government's recent grab for Google's records in the name of investigating "child pornography" — cough, cough. They've rendered these words into nothing more than pulp novel manipulation.

Meanwhile, the ice caps melt, the war rages on, and kids all over the world are living in poverty, violence, and disgrace that boggles the imagination. Sexual ignorance is killing people. But "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" —There's a web cam on the loose! 

Let's name this con when we see it.

The CamWhore Chronicles

Aside my rant on this topic, in this In Bed episode, I also answer a letter from a young woman who wonders if she's one of those females who simply can't have an orgasm... and I read a gladdening story by a grandma who's bored to tears with her daughter's polyamory. If you've never heard my audio show, and would like a free coupon to listen, email me with the words "Golden Ticket" in the subject line, and I'll send you one right over.

January 14, 2006

Open Your Mouth and Say What?

Gpm_open_mouth In Bed, Show 232

I'm back on the mike!— my first new audio show of 2006.

Have you seen the recent Business news-stories about Viagra taking a dive?  The reporters note that after years of steady growth, sales of Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs have leveled off.

I have a pet theory why such a popular drug would go flat: Given the opportunity to have "x" number of orgasms,  or to have sex a guaranteed number of times of week, with whatever floats their boat, people inevitably discover that their initial desire does not match what they really want. It's the "eyes are bigger than your stomach"  sensation.

Viagra has been flogged to men of all ages as if it was a necessity, dating insurance, the only way to have a sure-fire sex life, an instant party in a pill, etc.

Yet in real life, people found it didn't work that way. And it's not because it's a technical failure, it's because it doesn't take in account people's emotional relationship to their sexual desire, why they want sex in the first place.

Of course it's been wonderful for some men, with some partners, at some times in their lives, but the Pfizer hype has been much more than that. I've heard from so many people saying they have a bottle in their cabinet but they just don't find themselves using it as they thought they might.  One woman wrote me to ask how she could "make" her husband take his Viagra, and here's the thing: you can't. I don't care how many Superbowl ads the pharmco's take out.

What do you think?

I got some great letters in my New Year's mailbox, too. The first one is from a woman who says her boyfriend just won't open his mouth for anything - literally or figuratively. I offer my schemes on how to loosen his tongue...

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected] If you've never heard the show before, or have a "virgin" friend, send me your email, and I'll send you a "golden ticket" that gives you two free programs or books. Just put "Golden Ticket" in the subject line...

January 08, 2006

The Paradox of the Sex Advice Shrink

DoctorDo sex therapists have any business writing popular self-help books? With thousands of these bedside paperbacks out there, how come everyone hasn't become a great lover by now? Why do people buy them, anyway, if the message doesn't penetrate?

The answers are debated with my guest In Bed this week, Ian Kerner, the best-selling author of Be Honest - You're Not that Into Him Either and She Comes First.

Ian and I discuss sexual dilemmas from dating to marriage, porn to body image.

I note that experienced psychologists face a dilemma when they publish a popular self-help book.

They know from their private practice, that you can't help people by feeding them cute slogans or sound bites. It doesn't work. As a therapist, your role is to elicit, not to dictate. Your client has to come to the "A-Ha!" experience on their own, in order for changes to really take place.

So how does a doctor then switch hats and write a book where he tells people what to do?  Is he selling out, or reaching an audience who would never go to the shrink's office anyway?

Ian obviously thought his efforts were worth it, but he has mixed feelings about the subject as well. He's deeper than his book's Table of Contents, as you might guess.

Some would say, "Let's not criticize a guy who write a bestseller that motivates men to go down on women!" I see your point, believe me. But I'd like to see what kind of book Ian would write to a different audience, more of a layer cake than the usual sex advice model.

My favorite part of the show was when Ian helped me answer a question from a listener. It was a blast, because he has no fear to jump in with personal analysis. We talked about a letter from a woman who says she feels like her whole sex life has become just one big performance— which I think a lot of femmes have felt at one time or another.

Original Episode 191: Modern Love with Ian Kerner

P.S. This is a "rerun" show,  since I was out with the flu for our last recording session. Next week, there will be a new one, even if I sound a little husky. You'll have to tell me if you like my lower timbre better.

BTW, if you asked me in December for a free "golden ticket" for free Audible shows, I just sent them all out last week. I ran out.... but then I begged for more!

I think it's a great idea... you email me your address, and I will send you these "Free" Audible cards that entitle any new user (has to be a virgin)  to two free books or programs, no strings attached. You don't have to enter your credit card or anything. The idea is that you'll be so bowled over that you'll eagerly subscribe to Audible for the future, without any further prompting.

And why not?  Just email me with the words "Golden Tickets" in the subject line, and tell me how many you want.

"Doctor" painting by Jeff Hathaway.

December 04, 2005

Jesus Met the Showgirl At The Well

Jc_girlsIn Bed with Susie Bright #228: Stripper Girls Seek The Lost Flock

In this edition:

I'm always on the lookout for sex worker websites that reach for a higher plane. Now I've found a doozy. JC's Girls are a trio of hotties-turned-missionaries who've made it their campaign to recruit unhappy lap dancers.

The three-babe ministry are posed so fetchingly in their Come-Hither-And-Read-My-Bible poses. I looked in vain at every photo on their site,  hoping that I'd find an archive of pictures from their "sinner" days.  My god, wait 'til you see their pastor. He looks like the type of guy who "stars" as Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar.  And he has compassion for the ungodly plight of homosexuals... what a hunk! 

(By the way, do you all know that porn mogul Paul Thomas played John the Baptist in the film version of JC Superstar? Or that he's the nephew of Sara Lee, the pastry magnate?)

JC's Girls offers an intriguing explanation of why their ministry looks so porn-star— but really isn't. They explain that the women they are trying to reach, wouldn't take them seriously if they looked dowdy. They explain that their business puts a premium on a certain kind of feminine beauty, and that their sisters would feel lost without that identity.

One of the girls explains that she was terrified to become a Christian, because she felt like she would have to give up her "looks," and then she would have nothing.

I believe her. Of course, I would think, as long as you're on the healing path, you would ultimately get to a place where you didn't have to use self-tanner, bleach, putty, and polish to be accepted into the Kingdom of Christ. But I couldn't find the number for the feminist support parish.

Another thing they promote is hot monogamy. Born Again Hot Flash: You don't have to give up great sex to be married. They're part of that Christian marriage manual ethic where you get to whoop it up with intercourse and oral sex— just no anal and no fantasizing. Or masturbation.

But fucking and sucking can indeed keep you quite busy, so we can't give them short shrift.  The intriguing part to me is that they acknowledge, in their subtle way, that they care about having good sex, that their background as sexual people can't be denied, and so therefore they are thrilled to have a "faith" where they get to keep that aspect of themselves alive.

Their site design is high tech. Nothing amateur here. Each woman's face, skin, and hair are made up just like a showgirl's. They have gorgeous figures, which they show off by wearing close-fitting t-shirts and jeans. In other words, no ease in the cloth, but covered up.  Their cleavage is the kind of cleavage you used to see in Children's Bible Stories.

Meanwhile, back at Satan's Ranch,  in my Try This at Home mailbag, I critique two personal ads placed by a couple interested in swinging. They asked me to help them write the perfect ad. I love playing personals matchmaker, so I held nothing back!

Don't forget-- you can always send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to me:  susie at audible dot com. I love my letters.

Do you want to try listening to a couple of my Audible shows for free? Send me an email, and I'll send you a couple of "golden tickets" that give you two Audible programs or books, gratis. You don't have give your credit card number or anything. This is for "audio virgins" only, though— it won't work if you're already an Audible listener!

November 29, 2005

Your Golden Ticket to Self-Gratification

Avon337 In Bed with Susie Bright #227: The Trouble with Masturbation

Welcome to the United States of Hysterica. In today's show I introduce you to Senator Sam Brownback, and his amazing arguments against porn in the latest Senate subcommittee to investigate the nefarious subject of sexual arousal among civilians.

In the past, porn was condemned by the feds because it was run by the Mafia. Or that it was degrading to women. Morally deficient. Or that it inspired otherwise normal men to become rapists. But that is all so passé!

The current GOP approach to erotic excoriation is more more basic. You see, watching porn leads to masturbation, which is the source vexation. Jilling off, according to Brownback's witnesses, causes a neurological reaction that makes your brain go haywire and makes you stop wanting sex with your spouse. "People watch a movie, read a book, listen to music, but they masturbate to pornography," one of the experts explained. "In that difference, you have a different stimulation to the brain."

I wonder what Brownback thinks of my latest guilty pleasure... and I really have kept it secret until now. I have sat alone in a room, all day, watching an entire DVD season of of that plastic surgeon soap opera, Nip/Tuck. Talk about pornography!  I scream and squeal so much during my marathon viewings that the neighbors must think I've organized an orgy and neglected to invite them. Interestingly, I still want to have sex with my old man.

The whole series is... sordid. Tawdry. Very, very Jackie Susann. There's a character that gets a Real Latex Doll made out of her vagina. 

Finally, in my  mailbag,  I answer a letter from a devoted husband who reports that although his wife has multiple orgasms, she seems to have lost almost all interest in sex. How can that be? (Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to me, at susie at audible dot com).

Images_9One last item... some of you have told me that you have friends who you think would love my show on Audible, but you can't quite get them to jump through the technical hoop to make it happen. They have iTunes but they've never opened the app. They love radio but they're afraid of digital anything. They think if it's really that good, it will eventually end up on NPR. Sadly, no! The FCC ain't gonna let that happen.

Well, I have a new idea. I have some "golden tickets" from Audible. They are little cards with a unique number on each one. Your friend goes to the Audible web site, types in the secret number, and they get two free books or shows— anything they want. It  doesn't have to be my show, although I'd be thrilled if they tried it! The entry page is very gentle and leads them through the download process. There are no strings attached, they don't have to give their credit card or anything.

It really is a freebie, with the explicit hope that your friend will be so bowled over that they will come back and subscribe to something. My dream is that they will become addicted to "In Bed" and won't be able to function like a normal human being ever again.  See, I told you it was upfront!

These cards don't work for anyone who already has an Audible account. And they only work once. But I would love to send you one, or two, or three— if you have that many friends who you think you could seduce!  Just email me and tell me your snail mail address. I'll pop them in the mail to  you. If you get any follow up feedback about what they think, I'd be v. interested to hear about it.

November 19, 2005

Here Comes Santa Susie

SantagirlI have two new audio shows up at Audible. Yes, you can listen to them as podcasts! Yes, you can listen to free samples of each show!  Yes, all I want for Xmas is for you to subscribe! 

Speaking of Santa, this reminds me of the year that I played Santa Claus at a Good Vibrations holiday party. It was the store manager's idea, and I was dubious: how would the guests accept a "girl" in the role of St. Nick?

I was so naive.

All night long, people crawled into my lap and confided their dearest wishes to me. Serious confessions and long-held yearnings. In each case, I told them how proud I was of them, and that they deserved everything they asked for. I told them that even though they had been naughty, I knew deep down inside they were the best little boy, girl, or enfant terrible in the world.

I don't know where all these words came from; I hadn't planned on being a therapist or the Wonderful Mommy/Daddy. I honestly had been more worried about my red latex and white ermine fur outfit. But when the Santa magic clicked on, I couldn't stop the rush. Later that night I realized that my knees had given out, but what a injury to cherish. I still occasionally meet people from that night who look at me like I really am a bowlful of jelly!

The Erotic Eucharist, Episode 226

The story of my first communion. In the Catholic Church. Really. Then, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I answer a letter from a friend whose older lover thinks she's "too wet" during sex. I don't think so!!!

GI Porn, Episode 225

(Click on the "Browse Past Shows" tab)

This week, I take a long look at one of the porn sites targeted by the new White House campaign against porn:  NowThat'sFuckedUp.com. NTFU features lots of homemade erotic shots, but what's  controversial are the pictures posted by G.I.'s serving in Iraq. However, it isn't the  gruesome stuff isn't what the Feds are after, it's all that semen! And blow jobs! And mooning the camera! Then, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I try to help a listener put the pieces back together after the perfect three-way blows up. Ouch.

Don't forget, you can always email your confidential questions and feedback about the show to  me, and I will eagerly answer them!

Santa Babe drawing by Bill Presing.

November 05, 2005

Female Chauvinist iPod Woes!

C_20079412In Bed audio show #224: Ariel Levy interview, author of Female Chauvinist Pigs

My guest this week is Ariel Levy, a contributing editor at New York magazine and the author of the controversial new book, Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. I began to interview Ariel here  in print a few weeks ago,  but I was eager to talk to her in person— and I wasn't disappointed. She is spontaneous, funny, articulate, and asks some of the best questions herself.

At the beginning of the show, I read the first chapter of her book out loud, if you want to hear what all the fuss is about.

Then, we begin our conversation about what people (mis)take for sexy these days and what it all means when feminism goes the way of most revolutions and is co-opted by they mainstream culture. I make her tell me all about her sordid past at Wesleyan... someone had to do it.

Then, in the Try This at Home mailbag, I get a letter from a recently divorced man who says he's not quite able to give his new relationship his all.

It's interesting, because he only mentions his divorce as a footnote, but I think it is the probably the single biggest impact on the what he sees as his cock and libido not "performing" the way they used to.

IswiwtI don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my show is also available as a podcast, if that is your bag. And, Audible has a promotion going on right now where if you sign up as a "Listener" (which is like a monthly subscription, like Netflix) they will send you a free iShuffle. Until Nov. 15, I think. Dammit, I want an iShuffle!  And a Nano. And about five hundred other accessories.

In fact, speaking of iPod accessories, have any of you found the ideal way to play your Pod in your car? I tried those "radio frequency" gizmos, and they just FLAT DIDN'T WORK. The radio signal was too weak and it went in and out like I was in Siberia. TERRIBLE. 

So what I use now is the little "audio cassette" dealie that you plug into your pod. It worked for two years, and then developed a short. I just replaced it yesterday and was shocked to pay $20 for it. I could have sworn it was once under ten dollars.

It does a fine job with the sound, the the hassle of all the wires is enough to get in several car accidents along the way, esp. if I also plug in the power cord that goes into the cigarette lighter hole. 

The people at Radio Shack tried to sell me yet another brand of radio signaling device, which cost 80. GIVE ME A BREAK. I am so sick of being fleeced with the iPod add-ons.

iPod/Rosa Parks image from Jeff Leftwich.

November 01, 2005

Teach Your Sex Doll How To Pick Up Girls

Bluegirl1In Bed #222Sex Dolls That Look Just Like You... or You!

Okay, it's time to take look at those realistic latex sex dolls that apparently every smart young lonelyhearts is ordering for Xmas! They are now "custom-made" to your specifications.

Their web site FAQ is the best part, in my opinion:

Question: What sort of people buy REALDOLL?

REALDOLL customers include futurists, artists, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, health professionals, housewives— you name it. There simply isn't just one type of REALDOLL customer! We provide REALDOLLs to single men, couples seeking to enhance their sex lives, people looking for exotic decorative art, adult retailers who want the ultimate display mannequin, or anyone who desires to possess the world's most realistic love doll (for whatever reason).

Question: Can you pull on her nipples hard without fear of tearing them?

Yes, within reason. REALDOLL's nipples can withstand approximately 400% elongation before tearing.

Question: What happens when "the honeymoon is over" and I feel that the doll is not for me and wish to return it?

Although we'd like to fully satisfy all our customers, our firm policy is: ALL SALES ARE FINAL.

Question: Do you have any rejects or used models I can buy for cheap?


This company makes theatrical models for use in stage and film productions, and so their craft comes from the Hollywood perspective. When I was in Six Feet Under, we had such a "doll" for the dead victim in the casket. It was unnervingly realistic. Even the parts the audience couldn't see, under the sheets, were done to spec. The corpse's  belly and her breasts— her whole body— were exactly like her character, which in life, had been played by a real actress. And yes, we all had to look under the sheet.

Of course, it's incredibly easy to make fun of sex doll collectors, but I have to say, how do I justify myself when I was once the biggest Barbie fan of all time?

I loved my Barbies so much as a child, and in my own clueless way, they were part of my fantasy life. I was amped about the notion of my Barbie going on a date and having S-E-X. I didn't know what to do with her once I'd gotten her into her outfit, but in my mind, I'd worked myself into a lather. It was romantic and erotic and a little delirious.

Then I grew up. Is that what this fetish is all about, not growing up?  I still indulge in childish icons from time to time: comfort food, a certain blanket, my saddle shoe obsession. I suppose the difference is a matter of how much time one spends occupied with childlike attachments. Frankly, I would like a real doll, especially one with long, long hair— and I would still go nuts dressing her up.

But I could never see this doll as my companion, lover, or family member!  How can people talk about treasuring these dolls without mentioning the all-important aspect of communication and rapport? The discussion of these dolls on doll-fansites is so strange... as if the fantasy veil that they ARE your make-believe friend, filling all your needs, cannot be pierced.

Also in this show, I have two great foreign films to recommend to you, that have original and unique erotic scenes: Head-On and Late Marriage.

Finally, in the "Try This At Home" mailbag, I help a woman who's husband refuses to take his much-needed Viagra.

074325853301_aa240_sclzzzzzzz__1In Bed #223:  The Straight Girl's Guide to Lesbian Paradise

My guest this week is Jen Sincero, author of the hilarious and wise how-to book The Straight Girls' Guide to Sleeping with Chicks.

Jen and I share notes on the ups and downs of sleeping with women. When she talks, I take notes— or fall apart laughing. It was so refreshing to hear her point of view, because she is unencumbered by any politically correct rules of dyke dating. When you don't know the "penalties," then you can be so much more original! 

I still don't understand how Jen can be this savvy and not be a stone-cold dyke. She knows things that longtime lesbians are still wandering in the desert searching for. Ah, the sacrifices one makes to be a guru! Seriously, her book, which I thought was going to be a joke, is the best sex manual I've read this year. It should be mandatory reading for anyone getting into bed with women, including men.

In the Try This at Home mailbag, Jen  stuck around to help me with a letter from a man who says he'd do just about anything to help his wife get in touch with her sexual fantasies.   We dare him to try a few things he hasn't thought of, like listening very, very carefully.

October 24, 2005

The Perfect Ass and the PolyAmory Potluck Gone Bad

Cs1heartsTo all of you who have so kindly inquired why my Audible shows have been delayed or missing lately:

I am not sick! I am okay! I was as surprised and frustrated as you were. There are production changes going on at Audible which I am not directing. I hate to lose the timeliness of my recordings, and of course I look forward to bringing you something new every week.

If you want to help,  you could write Audible— and cc: me— saying that you MUST HAVE ME ON A CONSISTENT BASIS. Or something to that effect!  Never hesitate from writing them about what you think... they really do pay attention to letters and customer feedback.  The more immediate, the better!

Speaking of schedules, do you have any opinions about what is the best day for a new show to debut? Of course you can listen to it anytime, since it's a downloadable file, but is one day better than the next to hear that it's available? Lately I've been coming out on Fridays. What's the web wisdom on this?

Below are descriptions two shows which you may have missed, because they got delayed. When you click on the link, look for the lime-green tab that says, "BROWSE PAST SHOWS." That will take you to these little numbers:

Vida_butt_lo_1In Bed With Susie Bright, Show 220: Porn Addicts, Again
(click on the "browse past shows" tab)

I had to read this  choice item from the Craig's List Top 10 called "Porn Has Completely Destroyed Me." In this classic rant, the anonymous author explains why he no longer will settle for anything less than a perfect ass.  Here's an excerpt:

There was a time - I'd say pre 1999 - when I would have tolerated a girl with an errant fat roll, a mildly problematic butt, or even non-porcelain veneered teeth. And come to think of it, I might have even green lighted a B cup chest.

But with the installation of the high speed cable modem, alas, I am sad to say that those times have now passed. I now only want - and will only solicit affection from - girls with killer porn star looks and behavior.

I am ashamed and I do not like what now stimulates me, but the Internet, with all of its quick fix, crack-like vices, has made me extraordinarily intolerant.

Are you a Tufts or Harvard grad and a great conversationalist?
Not important.

Do you have a quirky sense of humor and a knack for cooking Asian Fusion cuisine?
Don't care.

Would you like to discuss the sub-text meaning of the whip sawed brush strokes of that Kandinsky painting at the MFA?
Be the source of a blood rush and make me throw a rod in my pants, or kindly turn into anti-matter.

I am ruined. I am dead on the inside. I am ashamed and embarrassed of what now stimulates me and I know that I am irrevocably changed for the worse. For all practical purposes, Internet porn has destroyed me.

So who am I? Not who you'd think. Not the dandruff-haired blob of shit in the cube next to you. Not the UES Michigan frat boy. Not the faux disheveled Downtown hipster with the silly retro Puma sneakers.

Sadly, I am the normal one that you're actually interested in. Cultured, eloquent, well dressed. I am the one you discuss with your girlfriends over Sunday brunch. I am the one you hope to bump into at Karen's pajama themed apartment party. I am the one who takes the lead, holds doors, and hails cabs.

Is it a satire from a caring individual, or have things really gotten this bad? I think it's too hilarious to be anything other than acute social commentary. But I know this kind of confession represents a huge paranoia for many women, and I'm here to explain to you why it just is a lot of horseypoop. Put the porn-scare dagger down and step away from the noose!

Then, in my mailbag, a really good one:  a hubby desperately tries to get out of the doghouse after a huge misstep at a polyamory potluck. Whatever you do, don't EVER respond to a "fun" questionnaire that asks you to give a NUMBER grade to your spouse's lovemaking ability compared to your other lovers'!  What were they THINKING????

PzbritesmIn Bed with Susie Bright, Show 219: The Erotic Lovelight of New Orleans
(click on the "browse past shows" tab)

Move over FEMA, move way over Red Cross, I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and help out the Gulf Coast with erotic healing of the first water. In my sadly delayed Hurricane Relief Special, (is this the Katrina Kurse, or what?)  I have some advice about where you might send your dough, looking beyond the obvious (and prudish) national organizations. Check out my previous post and comments for details.

Then, in honor of New Orleans, I read aloud "Essence of Rose" by NOLA writer Poppy Z. Brite. (No relation!) What a great voodoo sex story. Finally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I get an earful from very happy, very monogamous couples. Swingers, take note!

October 17, 2005

How to Enlarge Your Penis and Your Incredulity at the Same Time

In Bed with Susie Bright 221: How to Enlarge Your Penis

Straight from The Smoking Gun, we've got the story of a judge who makes Harriet Miers look like perhaps the best anyone can expect.  Yes, it's the infamous tale of a "penis-pumping" Oklahoma judge who is facing trial for exposing himself— enlarging his penis in the courtroom— during a murder trial. Ya gotta love American justice.

Penispump_1I  became quite an expert on penis pumps myself, when, many years ago, I met the auteur behind the first  "How to Enlarge" book and movie—  one of the bestselling intellectual properties that have ever come out of the sex biz. Yes, I can tell you which pump is the best, and why this exercise is not for everyone.

In my second segment, I look at what the FBI is doing to find a few good volunteers for their new Rove-inspired Porn Squad. The response so far from rank and file G-men? Not so good, but the water cooler humor is inspired.

Finally, in the Try This at Home mailbag, I offer some advice to a Lutheran counselor who wants to bring some sex-positive messages to couples about to be married.

September 27, 2005

Jesus Met the Porn Star at the Well

JesuslovesIt was awful. I couldn't stop pawing the keyboard, looking for one more thrill, clicking that depraved trackpad of titillation over and over again.

But I made it out, barely intact, to warn you of the perils of the Number #1 Christian Porn Site— Satan help me if I ever fall into their clutches again.

I  feel guilty giving you the link to this most peculiar ministry, the Triple-X Church, which preaches against porn by copping as "Porno" an attitude as possible. God knows they don't need the traffic; they've been terribly successful wooing young men to purge themselves of their guilty obsessions.

By using sexy graphics, humor, lots of baby curse epithets ("get your crap together!") and avoiding boring Bible rants, the two "pastors" who run this site convince men to pledge that they won't look at sexy pictures of women anymore, even though they are the first to admit that the habit of looking sure does give you a hard boner in your pants. Dirtysecrets

Take a peek at this ad for their radio show that I've posted: a hot babe, just waiting to embrace your manhood!  This is conservative, puritanical subversion as its most Machiavellian.

I prefer to pretend this site is a triumph of satiric performance art, because it's too sad to contemplate that these clever wise-asses, Pastors Craig and Mike, actually believe that masturbation is an offense to God and womankind. Yes, they insist that masturbation is something that guys do to demean the fairer sex.

At the same time, they go on tours with "porn stars"... actual, working porn stars, who pose with Craig and Mike like a couple of Las Vegas conventioneers. The women wear their usual sexy outfits, but what comes out of their mouth is, "I know Jesus loves me, but with his help, I'll someday be able to get of of this industry of the damned."  It's diabolical! Either that, or these are the two best con artists I've ever seen. Someone get them a job at the White House.

Craig and Mike's merchandising is where they really shine: I, too, want one of their t-shirts that blazes Jesus Loves Porn Stars, in Charlie Angels handwriting— but I'd rather die and burn in hell forever than send them money.

This self-styled Porn Church offers a special software that tracks where you visit on your computer, and then sends the log to a friend/family member of your choice, so that you'll always know that someone is watching you. If you go read a smutty story on literotica.com, your "wife" will get a link, and she can read the same smutty story too!  Hmm, maybe this could bring you closer together—  "Jane had no idea that Joe found bondage three-ways as hot and naughty as she did!"

On this week's episode of In Bed, #218, I tell you every detail of my foray into Craig and Mike's Triple-X missionary positions. You'll also hear about some of my favorite sex toys available on Amazon.com, since they opened up their shelves to peacock feather buttplugs and Mr. Softies. I'm sure my new pastors could find a way to work these into their empire!

In my "Try This At Home" mailbag, a listener writes to me that he loves the show, but wishes I would leave out discussions of religion and politics. Christ, I really let him down on this one!  Seriously though, what do you think of that particular mix on my show? My attitude has been that politics and religion are inescapable from my sexual point of view, but I do have a "broadcasting" obligation to be entertaining, funny, informative, rather than an utter bore, which can be a devilish temptation in these topic areas!

In Bed With Susie Bright, #218

September 18, 2005

Truth or Troublemaker on the Sex Game Circuit

Lovela_lind_deepthroa_104bI am the biggest sissy at playing Truth or Dare. I always pick Truth, because there isn't much I can think of hiding, especially when it comes to sex.

I'd be more embarrassed if someone asked me how long I sucked my thumb as a child, and that's not what the other Truth'N'Darers are interested in.

"Have you ever done DEEP THROAT?" —Terry Englestrom asked me that once at some teenage sleepover in the 70s, a time when Linda Lovelace had set the bar.

"Yes, Terry." Not only that, but I'd already figured out your clitoris is never going to be in your throat, and circus acts have limited attention spans. No one ever falls in love with you because of sword-swallowing fellatio. Yet the hype was INCREDIBLE.

I would have balked if Terry had dared me do anything. Hand over the reins to her?  To make me do god-knows-what? My heels would have dug into the bedrock. I don't know if this is my flaw or my luck, but I have been a dud at sex games ever since.

That's why it took me by surprise when I started talking about sex games on my In Bed show, and it started a listener pandemonium.  One of my regular subscribers wrote in and said she played a game with her husband and another couple that took her from "sweet little innocent wife" to "swinging nymphomaniac" in under 60 seconds.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, just a little. But she had an eyeopening time, and I got dozens of emails after the show, begging me for the name of this seminal sex game.

I didn't know! Miss Thing told us everything but the brand name!  However, with all the interest, I had to get to the bottom of the orgy pile, and I finally discovered  the title: Intense Sex Games, from GreatSexGames.com. They make a whole set of games, on cards, or on DVD, that up the ante depending on how wild and unmonogamous you want to get. 

(Actually, they refer to all their games as "designed for monogamous couples," which I gather means that when you go finally go home, you have the right keys!) 

I also got some great letters from women explaining why they like to play erotic games... these women are like the Venus and Serena of sexual competition. They have a yen to win, as the ultimate rush, and yet get motivated by the danger of losing as well. They like to play all sort of games, not just sexy ones. I'm sure they would destroy me in everything from tiddlywinks to titty torture.

Here's the obstacle for me: I would feel awful if I won one of these contests, because I would be overwhelmed with the thought that the "losers" must feel awful.  I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I got a 10 on my blow job and you only got an 8?  I would die of guilt.  I'm not worthy. Here, take my trophy.

On the other hand, if I got an 8, or worse yet, a 2, I'd be so humiliated I'd want to disappear in a puff of smoke.

As you can see, I don't have what it takes to be a good sport. No wonder I don't even get invited to ping-pong matches.  I like to invent games, though— what does that mean? The GreatSexGames creators sent me some photos of their Casual Friday board meetings, in the buff, and I thought that looked more fun than any round of cards!  I want to think of more outrageous stuff, and then make OTHER people do it.

In Bed with Susie Bright 216: Sex Games

On this week's In Bed, I read all candid letters my women listeners wrote me about their favorite sex games. (Weird that no men wrote me about this!)  I also talk about the odd sexual memories I have of 9/11 aftermath, which would have been really touching if you had heard this show a couple weeks ago!  This show came out a little late, due to technical difficulties, and I'm sorry for that!  But considering Hurricane Katrina, it is still apt to talk about the kind of sex we have in disasters. I should do a whole book of apocalyptic erotic salvation!

August 21, 2005

Penthouse Letters Are Real, Grand Theft Auto is Not, and St. Louis, I Do Mind Dying

Images_4 Have you ever wondered just who, exactly, ever wrote or edited all the much satirized "Penthouse Letters" about nymphomaniac housewives and over-horny pizza delivery boys?  Well, I have a intimate interview with the SOURCE, former Penthouse editor Lavada Nahon, who handled everyone of those letters with her own hands.

Lavada worked at PH for years, and was only laid off a couple years ago as the Guccione empire started its financial collapse. She remembers the first day she came to work, over a decade ago, and was pointed to a gigantic box filled with sex mail with readers:  "Deal with it."

In my interview with Lavada, on my latest episode of In Bed , she reveals  that the Penthouse formula became a self-fulfilling writer's policy... she DIDN'T write the letters, they really did arrive and imitate each other, one right after another. She can still remember and quote verbatim, the most original letters she ever got!

Lavada also talks about some of her own sexual and personal awakenings while at Penthouse, including a sex scandal that hit a bit too close to home...  her own pastor's door!

This interview was originally recorded last year, and we're "re-running" it this week because I've been on vacation. But it's one of my favorites, and many of you might have missed it the first time around.

In Bed with Susie Bright Encore Edition: Penthouse Letters with Lavada Nahon
Audio sample here.

Among other things, LaVada has such a great voice; I could listen to her read the phone book and be seduced.  We first met each other in the 80s, when she hired me to collect some female-centric erotica for PH magazine, because Guccione's partner, Kathy Keaton, was on a feminist campaign and wanted some women in the magazine to refute the McKinnon/Dworkin stereotypes. 

We published some great stories, although the constraints at PH were often difficult to work with. They had so many rules about what we couldn't print— to avoid pissing off either their advertisers, or  government censors. 

For example, we couldn't publish the word "anal" in any context, because that would screw up their Canadian distribution. No one in a story could ever tell a female character to "shut up,"' because that would be "degrading to women," another Canadian no-no. We couldn't ever see a character get tipsy or stoned, because that would upset the liquor advertisers. All the characters had to be at least 18, (even in flashback!) but never over 30. Sometimes I would get  exasperated and threaten to write a story myself about a 31-year-old buttsex enthusiast who gets roaring drunk and has her entire family tell her to "shut the fuck up."

The stories we collected became a series called "Between the Sheets," which after our tenure, got made into an audiobook.

Because of my vacation, I didn't tell you about last week's show, but it's still up at my Audible site  for you to hear or sample. It's Episode 214, and the topic is the so-called "sex scandal"  of the video game world: a hidden X-rated sequence in the best-selling Grand Theft Auto.

In Bed with Susie Bright 214: Grand Theft Porno ("Browse Past Shows" tab)
Audio clip here.

Now, those of you who have actually PLAYED Grand Theft Auto, are scratching your heads and saying, "I didn't see anything remotely X-rated."  But someone tell that to congresspeople like  Hillary Clinton, who has demanded an investigation!

Thanks to Fleshbot, I was able to look at this "secret sex scene" myself. 

Images1Here was my reaction:  The "sex" barely raises to the level of definition— the male character appears to do everything, including fucking and receiving a blow job, with HIS PANTS ON. The cartoon characters are badly drawn with hardly any detail to them at all... I mean, if you want to see a sexy cartoon girl,  meet Cherry Pop Tart

However, the parts took my breath away were the clownish racist stereotypes.  All the bad guys in the scenes I saw were brown-skinned, with these ridiculous "ghetto accents"  that made me cringe: Bad White Boy Pimp Imitation.  There I was, primed  to see a hot sex scene, and I was so embarrassed by the character's dialog, I could barely make it through. The Wire, it's not.

In the meantime, the country's going to hell in a handbasket and the "opposition party"  is trying to score points carping about the danger of pornography. There oughta be a game called "Grand Theft: Your Country."

You may remember last year, I wrote about visiting  St. Louis for a Romance Novel convention. I talked about the Romancers, but not about the city of St. Louis, which was actually the more interesting story.

All the conventioneers like myself were put up in hotels downtown, close to the famous Arch. But aside from these few hotels, there are no businesses operating. You can't go to a convenience store, a bar, a shop— this classicly beautiful downtown is a ghost-town when there isn't a ballgame.

5735911p1One Saturday I decided to walk a couple miles to one of the most famous and historic spots in St. Louis, Crown Candy Kitchen, a little north of downtown. When I told the hotel concierge my intention, she looked at me like I was crazy. I told her I wanted to see the city, and asked her to steer me to the "busiest" streets so I could enjoy my tour.  —Uh, Okay.   She looked worried.

I walked for an hour. I saw FIVE people. Five. It was the middle of Saturday. I passed hundreds and hundreds of empty burned-out, 18th and early-19th century buildings with nobody inside them. The handful of adults and children I encountered stared bug-eyed at me. I thought, in quick succession:

1. They're staring at me because I'm dressed so colorfully.
2. No, They're staring at me because I'm white and all the white folks left here years ago.
3. No! They're staring at me because EVERYONE left years ago, and I'm a Martian!

It. was. spooky.

When I got to Crown, it was the proverbial oasis. Cars and noise materialized in the tiny block surrounding the diner. The place was PACKED with black and white customers, most of whom had driven in from the suburbs to show their kids the place where they, their parents, and grandparents had grown up drinking the best chocolate shakes in town.

I threw the door open like Lawrence of Arabia emerging from the sand, and announced, "I  just walked here from Market and 4th!"  I had the satisfaction of watching everyone's mouth drop.  I was invited to sit at various people's tables, and was given a tour of the whole joint by the hospitable young Joe Eisenbraun, rocknroller at large.

I couldn't stop thinking about my walk through the city's abandoned landscape. It's not the first one I've seen... my old home in Detroit is in the same situation... but it was the worst.  My friend Shar, whose family is from East St. Louis, tells me that what I saw was nothing compared to the scorched earth across the river.

People talk a lot about the death of American cities, but this is what it looks like.  How does anyone manage to talk about anything else?

At one block, there was a gigantic billboard, one of the few that had something on it. It posted one word:  JESUS, in giant Helvetica, white letters against a solid black mass. It looked like a warning. I turned away, and heard a lone municipal bus heading my direction. When I turned to see where it was going, I couldn't see the Route Sign.  Instead, it had a LED light blinking, "God Bless America."

I carried a local paper  in my purse that sported headlines from local politicians railing about the perils of evolution theory, abortion, pornography, and gay marriage. I've read those speeches a million times before, but I was never as struck dumb with shame. What the hell does "pornography" have to do with a dying city?  Would you rather rant against gay marriage, or would you rather have a sandwich... or a job? Or a house with running water?  How long can people keep alive on better-than-thou piety?  I double-dare any Congressman to come to North Central St. Louis and make a speech about Grand Theft Auto.  That has got to be the biggest "fuck you" to working Americans I've heard yet.  Save it for the Billionaire's Bible Club.

The day I flew out, it was a Sunday. My cab  driver was apoplectic when he found out I didn't got to church. He pleaded with me to get with God and find a pastor. I was trying to be companionable, so I finally said, "Well, I do like Glide Church in San Francisco; have you heard of them? They feed the homeless and meal-needy every day, and they have the most kick ass rock 'n' roll choir; people go there just to sing."

"What is their program? What is their mission?" he asked.

"Uh... I don't quite know what you mean... their mission is to help people, and to end prejudice, and have compassion.. you know, all those things."

"That is not a program. What is their program?" He was getting angry, and I had no idea what he was talking about.

As he carried forth, I began to see he meant "rules," and what will keep you out of the Kingdom of Heaven. All the things you mustn't do, mustn't think, mustn't fantasize about. It's what your picture of the Devil is.

He drove me all around town, blaring his favorite pastor, while he tried to find more airport customers to put in the car.  Yes, that was his little surprise. He acted like I would be okay getting into a cab and then cruising around town trying to get another fare. I was biting my nails looking at my watch, and I  said, "I know you need the income today, but—" 

He cut me off. "How about you buy some gas?"  Just like that. He went from hellfire and brimstone to jacking me up  for gas. Seamless.

I had twenty more minutes before I missed my appointment with Homeland Security. "Uh, yeah, let's do it."  The way he looked at me, I was like a piggy bank he wanted to bust open. And then hogtie me and take me to church because I deserved no less.

If you are ever in St. Louis, I recommend Crown Candy, the completely absorbing Left Bank Books, and the original St. Louis toasted ravioli at Carmine's Steak House.  I also recommend investment, care, and feeding. And tell Joe I sent you.

August 07, 2005

The Strip Poker Lady Finds Success— & Cleveland Outlaws Dirty Dragons

Kort_essIf you type "Cleveland" in the Googlism search box, you get: "Cleveland is where no dragon would be."  Also: "Cleveland is my bitch." I am a former resident of the Burning River City, so that's why I indulge in these perverse searches.

This week on my In Bed podcast, #213, I take a look at the bizarre new peep-show laws in Cleveland, Ohio, which could give the city fathers more than they bargained for!  Thank you so much to my Buckeye fans who sent me all the details. The nugget is that they are demanding that "adult" stores install cameras in all the sex booths, which then must broadcast to all the other customers in the rest of the store. This is supposed to be a deterrent.  I know many people who would consider this an incentive.

Audible is about to start a program where they put Susie Selects labels on audiobooks and periodicals that I think are worth a listen. I am being a huge fussbudget about this— I am only going to fix my little clit stamp on things I think are great.

Full_imageFor example, the absolute filthiest— and also the funniest— thing on the entire Audible site is Margaret Cho's monologue, "Drunk With Power." I fell OFF my bed, howling.

The most unusual show I found on Audible was a British panel of smartypants who debate whether "Monogamy is Bad for the Soul." I will never credit the English for leading the way to sexual liberation, but they sure know how to talk about it with great wit and curiousity.

I'm saving the best part of my show for last. Remember a couple weeks ago, that lady named Charynanne who wrote to me about how she and her husband play strip poker with their friends every weekend? She was frustrated because she wanted to seduce them, but it never went beyond cards. Well, I gave her my best advice, (seduction, not poker) and a WEEK later, she wrote me again, with the most outrageous story of her success!

I'm afraid it doesn't have anything to do with me, unless writing a letter to In Bed is the equivalent of a fuzzy rabbit's foot. All the same, Charynanne's description of what happened is just a delight. 

August 05, 2005

Hormones for Hard-Ons!

FightA few weeks ago, a girlfriend called me up and asked, "What do you know about testosterone cream? I'm going to order a tub of it!"  I knew she wasn't contemplating a gender switch. Her complaint is that her sex drive has vanished to an undisclosed location, and she'd heard that T-cream might unearth it for her.

I didn't know what to tell her. I made a note that I should blog about it sometime.

In the meantime, my own vulva started giving me grief. I got a UTI that would not quit, and suffered me through two rounds of antibiotics, which led to candida infections that were UNBEARABLE. I walked into my gynecologist's office and demanded a complete hoo-hoo removal and replacement.

I asked my MD, "Why am I getting urinary track infections? Aren't those for honeymooners who fuck themselves into insensibility? I haven't fucked beyond sensible in months! This isn't fair!"

To my amazement, my doctor suggested that I was having a perimenopausal problem, where my vaginal tissue was thinning and my urethra was therefore much more touchy.

17bbigThinning?  What a nauseating notion. My Phat Pussy is losing strength! Is this what they mean when they say, "Aging ain't for sissies?" I felt depressed and cowardly.

I always thought menopause was hot flashes and bitchy moods. I looked forward to my fifties where I would triumphantly push out orgasms while I flashed and sweat— and use the "Bitch Catharsis" to say what I'd always censored before. I imagined that I would handle the whole thing with  feminist aplomb and perhaps a bit of Black Cohash.

In the last couple weeks, I've discovered I've been ignorant and deluded. There are a  host of symptoms that explode when your hormones fluctuate— and all the feminism in the world won't help these physical manifestations:

Unusual fatigue, memory loss, hemorrhaging menstrual blood,  scary heart palpitations,  byzantine mood swings, insomnia, UTIs, immune system weirdness, your hair falling out, mysterious itches, weirdo weight gain—  Oh yeah— and losing your sex drive. You may watch  zig-zag so suddenly you don't know whether you're coming or evaporating.

My gynecologist asked if I'd ever considered "bio-identical" hormone therapy, a term I'd never heard. She explained these treatments  were prepared in a "compounding pharmacy," another term that was new to me. She suggested bio-identical estrogen cream, and told me this was NOT  the "equine" (derived from horse urine) hormone treatments that caused such an uproar in the national women's health survey a few years ago.

In addition to estrogen cream, she also suggested Progesterone to me, because my periods have been so beastly. I thought they were just something I had to stagger through, and she looked at me, like, "YOU NEED TO WAKE UP."

When I asked about T-cream, she threw in a prescription for that too. We talked about what it means when people say, "I don't feel like sex." I told her what an Amoeba was.  She advised me that I would have to tinker with how much "T" to use, and where to apply it.

Vp6151_abominable_snowman"Do I blow up like Sasquatch if I put it right on my clit?"  It was like discussing a tab of acid. No one knows exactly how you're going to react, when you'll "come on" to it, or how you'll come down.   She told me if I became extra bossy or impatient, that would be a sign I've used too much.

BOSSY and IMPATIENT?  That's in my DNA! I told her I'd just have to look out for unexplained zits, the other symptom of T-excess. 

The estrogen cream and progesterone therapies are also an individual strategy of trial and error. According to the new bio-identical hormone movement, if women got a baseline of their hormones when they were young, it would really help figure out what to do when you start going through The Crunch—  because one person's perky little estrogen boost is another woman's avalanche.

I went to the library to do some research, because I had a lot more questions than my doctor could answer. I asked for a title called "Screaming to Be Heard," and the desk clerk told me that there were eight people ahead of me who had requested it.  "Yes," I said in a diabolical hiss,  " And they're all SCREAMMMMMING."

My book review made me realize the full strength of the controversy in women's health care. All the Boomers who pioneered natural home birth and led the abortion rights movement and female-sensitive gynecology... the whole "Our Bodies Ourselves" generation... are now in menopause, and are FOAMING AT THE MOUTH at what they've found.

Women in menopause are supposed to suffer and shut up.That is apparently what I had been doing.  I was amazed to realize how much of my physical condition I just took for granted, without considering my "hormones" in the least.  I thought about how my mom did the same thing, and how she suffered.

I thought I had insomnia because I worry too much. I thought I was tired because I'm overworked. I thought I had a tummy because I can't seem to inhale  a pint of ice cream like I used to. I berate myself for not exercising more.  I  took all these disappointments as if it was another nail in the coffin one had to accept. 

Many of the Boomers took those first horse urine hormones the drug companies promoted. These were hormone formulas that even VETERINARIANS had outlawed for their pet patients! These were the same formulas that were rejected by the birth control pill companies back in the sixties because they were deemed  too toxic. The anger over this scandal is entirely justified.

The Bio-Identical folks are the progressives on the menopause issue, but they're treated like nutcases by a great deal of the American medical community. Furthermore, even the bio-identical crowd is at odds with each other. No one agrees about anything.  Well, there is one thing... everyone promotes  exercise and diet considerations.  But there are still a million questions about any kind of hormone replacement, "natural" or not. There is no single cocktail that works for everyone. Plus, there are plenty of women who say, "Hey, I'm going to get through this without anything, thank you very much."

I am on my fourth week of doing this stuff. I am sleeping like a top, and my Phat Pussy is back. I had a period where I could actually go out without wearing something that looks like Depends. This is good news, but I still wonder if I am doing the right thing.

I have barely used any T-cream because it scares me. A friend of mine told me she is using it before she enters surfing competitions to make her more gnarly.  I feel so self-conscious of my sex urges now.... am I masturbating because I just had a wild hair, or is the T-cream growing some wild ones?  I need to slather on more and see what happens, but the idea of being more anger-driven would not be a fair trade-off to me, for horniness. "Hi, I hate your fucking guts— now bend over!"  Oh, I don't know what to think.

And that's why I'm posting this confession. I have also opened up the entire can of worms on my latest In Bed show, where I ask, "Hey babe, are you using hormones?

CuntfiregirlsMy feminist response to this whole hullabaloo is that I'd like to hear as many women as possible speak up! Have you ever taken hormones, or lived intimately with someone who did? What happened? What's your experience with bio-identicals?  Have you been reading any great books on the subject you'd like to scream about? 

July 25, 2005

The Day the Sex Died

AmoebasjpgCan someone just not have a sex drive because they're not built that way? Is the sexual urge so natural as to be indisputable?  That's the subject of my 211th episode of  In Bed with Susie Bright this week.

We started talking about  "amoebas," here a few weeks ago, with the longest debate ensuing since I ran that obit about Andrea Dworkin

Amoebas are the self-declared nickname of a  group of folks who've been very public that they don't have any sex drive and don't want to apologize for it. On my audio show,  I read aloud some of the comments you made here on the blog,  and get into some of the issues I didn't have a chance to address at the time.

It was clear from our discussions,  that putting aside the notion of whether everyone has a god-given rocket in their pocket or not, there is a tremendous shift in one's sex life when illness, aging, and hormonal rollercoasters come into play.  Another issue is that you can also be militantly sex-positive while having very little sex, or appetite, per se. There's also the question of whether this is a glad new addition to "identity politics," or whether such banner-type movements are going to corner people in the end.

Model1Here's the real trick: The American hype and consumer-driven hysteria about SEX! SEX! SEX! is in inverse proportion to the actual sex in our personal lives.We have less sex now than ever.  America is a sex-starved culture, looking in all the wrong places for satisfaction, confusing sexuality with materialism and status-freaking.

I'm not just making sweeping statements for the hell of it. Look at fertility rates. Look at how much older people are before they start to have a lover. Marriages, which traditionally promote more quantitative sexual behavior, are breaking up faster, and becoming sexless faster, than you can say "I DON'T." AIDS and STD's have people in a perpetual cloud of caution, despite all the tales you hear of crazed meth-fueled disco orgies. The people at those orgies are in a real slim minority. We talk about the "sex maniacs" ENDLESSLY in our media, those naughty, naughty pervs having sex—  we watch fashion and showbiz promote the Endless Slut— but this Ravenous Whore is an icon who, statistically, barely exists in American life!

Those girls in short skirts are anorexic prudes. Those boys with the James Dean sneer are stoned and scared shitless. Those gleeful couples at the altar stop fucking after three months.   If I get one more letter to my Audible show saying, "My spouse hasn't fucked me in 20 years and I can't take it anymore," my only response will be,  "Well, what does that say about your sexual appetite?" 

People moan and groan, but how many are actually doing anything that would bring sexual creativity into their lives, rather than suppress it, ignore it, despise it, and most of all, put it on the shelf. I'm not talking about rabbit-like activity... I'm talking about the inner sexual life, one's erotic imagination and creativity, however that may express itself.

Oh shit. I'm ranting again. But I'm not kidding... we're in a drought. Arizona ain't the only place that's killing people from lack of juice.

Also, in this episode of In Bed,  in my mailbag, a married man who loves sex can't understand his wife's extremely low sex drive.  You can just imagine how I reacted to that! 

You can listen to an audio clip of my show here— I'm sorry I can't load it onto my blog, but my regular computer is in the shop, and the one I'm using is vexing me at every turn!

July 16, 2005

Why Aren't There Any "Work Ethic Amoebas"?

CoverThis week's edition of In Bed is a rerun, and for once, I have a fascinating excuse:

I was recording my new show at KUSP, our local public radio station, in the little studio next to the air room, when all of a sudden, a VERY LOUD ACCORDION started bleeding into our sound room.  We had to abort because of an squeeze box— Isn't that always the way?

In any case, this particular vintage audio show, #159,  is one of my favorites...The theme is, "Is the American work ethic ruining our sex lives?" I've thought so for years, and FINALLY, I  got to ask someone who really has given this a great deal of thought: economist Doug Henwood.

Btn_henwoodDoug Henwood is the editor and publisher of The Left Business Observer, a contributor to The Nation, and the host of a weekly radio show on WBAI in New York.  Doug and I talk about work ethics, marriage incentives, and why economists just seem to miss the sex part of any equation.

Then, in the Try This at Home mailbag, I get to the bottom of douching. Well, someone had to.

Audio clip here!  God, Doug has a great voice. He should do phone sex.

July 13, 2005

Bending Over To Pick Up the Ace

In my excitement over Six Feet Under, I got a little behind telling you about my latest audio shows:

In Episode 209, I decide to shake out my letter box, which has been overflowing with great mail.

Circumcision_lng_c1485First off, a mom wonders if her newborn son's future sex life will suffer from circumcision. Her letter made me recall that when I was pregnant, and didn't yet know the gender of my child, I was lobbied hard by both sides of this issue. I even was taken to lunch by a man who had his foreskin reapplied, as an adult.

The problem is, it's one thing to decide for the newborn... and it's another to deal with the adult men around you who already had the choice made for them a long time ago.  So often people think they're talking about "babies," when they're really talking about themselves.

I would not circumcise a son, because "the less cutting, the better," as far as I'm concerned. I believe the pain is no lie. Religious arguments, as you can imagine, fail to move me.  But I would never tell an adult man that his sex life was a loss because he had been circumcised... that's ridiculous. There are much more influential experiences in his life which will determine his sexual potential, in particular, his parents' attitude about sex.

In my second letter,  an empty-nest mom finds sexual and personal fulfillment in bondage— audio clip here.

And in my last letter,  a newly-single man wants to know how long he should wait to start his next relationship. Let's see, you take your shoe size, divide by your IQ, and drop the decimal, and...

I do have some serious sex tips for those "on the rebound,"  because I'm exasperated with the all-or-nothing approach that I see in so many relationship manuals.  This is a great time to have sex with friends, and sex that unabashedly plumps your ego and flatters your hopes, rather digging in for your retirement plans.  The finesse part is finding the right partners for these moments!

In my latest episode, #210,  I have  a guest in the studio: writer Greta Christina, who reads the opening chapter from her new novella Bending, one of the three novellas included in my new book Three Kinds of Asking for It.

Also, in the "Try This At Home" mailbag,  I asked Greta to help me answer a question from a couple with polyamorous fantasies, who want to know how to convince their friends to take strip poker that one extra step further.

Here's an audio clip on Real Player...

Pin_vargasIt was funny that Greta and I are both rather clueless when it comes to poker games... we needed Jennifer Tilly to come in for some guidance. I find it incredible that you can have friends come over, week after week,  and take their clothes off in a card game, and yet no one ends up in bed!!!  How is this possible? Is there something stifling about Texas Hold-em that I just don't understand?  I like my foreplay to escalate...

June 29, 2005

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Female Orgasm!

Fc0674017064The latest edition of  In Bed with Susie Bright #208:

Interview with Dr. Elisabeth Lloyd, author of The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution

You've seen reviews and editorials everywhere about this new book— in which Dr. Lloyd proves that all the evolutionary research into the whys and wherefores of female orgasm has largely been a bunch of rubbish.

In her treatise, Lloyd shows how any link between female orgasm and fertility or reproduction is entirely androcentric posturing by the science establishment.  As I asked her in our interview, "Didn't these guys talk to their own wives?"  I've heard all my career from women who shake their heads and confess:  "I had three children before I ever had a single orgasm."

The one theory Dr. Lloyd finds worth further pursuit is what is (unfortunately) titled "the Byproduct Theory," advanced by Donald Symons. Although the label makes women's orgasms sound like a can of Spam, I appreciate the actual scientific theory....   get a new name, I say!

Let me quote from the book to explain the byproduct theory:

"There is significant different between male and female orgasm, and it lies in the trait's past contribution to reproductive success.

"Symons chooses the example of the male nipple to make his point. Nipples are necessary to the reproductive success of any female mammal. (Milk substitutes were not available to our ancestors before the advent of agriculture, and thus could not have played a role in shaping the basic human form.) Therefore, there is strong and continuing selection pressure for female nipples. The male mammal gets nipples through sharing the same embryological form with female mammals. Thus his nipples are a byproduct of selection on the female mammal.

"Symon claims that female orgasm evolved in a similar way. Orgasm and ejaculation are strongly selected in men since they use the contractile pulses of orgasm as a sperm-delivery system. Strong selection on the male sexual tissues for performance of orgasm and sperm delivery is hence ongoing.

"Just as in the male nipple case, the opposite sex acquired the equipment in virtue of an early embryological commiemt. Females get the erectile and nervous tissue necessary for orgasm in virtue of the strong, ongoing selective pressure on males for sperm delivery system of male orgasm and ejaculation.

"To continue the parallel— I would add that either embryological bonus, the male nipple or the female orgasm equipment— can used by the gifted parties; males often inherit not only the nipple structure but al the pleasurable and sexual sensitivity of the female nipple, and  they can make use of this in their sexual practices.

"Similarly, the females inherit the clitoral organ, the structural erectile tissue, and the neural pathways needed to experience orgasm and can make use of them in their sexual practices."

Lisa2_opI found reading Lloyd's book as electrifying as reading my first copy of The Dialectic of Sex.  I called her publisher the day I finished the last page and asked if I could interview her!

I've never seen a evolutionary account that proves the lack of connection between female orgasm and...  mothering.  Since our entire culture is bent on shaming women about their sexuality so that they will be virtuous wives and mothers, it's important to show that there is no evolutionary case that can be made for it... it is entirely ideological and manipulative.

Lloyd's candid and generous interview with me is something I know you'll want to hear if you've been intrigued with the book.

The very day we recorded our interview, that study came out about how women may or may not inherit their orgasmic ablity from their mothers. I thought it was a lot of hogwash-- another way for people to say, "Oh wow, it's out of my hands— I can't come, because mom couldn't come." I asked Dr. Lloyd what she thought of it, and as usual, she had a more careful reply:

Dear Susie, Here is a detailed explanation of the biology, since a lot of folks don't have the genetics background.  This is actually a technical site, devoted to people in my field, which
is why I posted here.  I'm entertaining the idea of starting my own blog, though....

At the end, I make  Dr. Lloyd helps help answer this week's "Try This At Home" mailbag question, in which a new mom has trouble balancing work, nursing, and her decreased libido.

I'd love to know if you're read the book and have any comments... and if you listen to my In Bed interview with her, tell me what you think!

June 19, 2005

The Not-So-Horny Amoeba!

In Bed with Susie Bright,  #207: Baby Chicks!

No_sexI open this show by asking, "Are you now, are have you ever been, an amoeba?"

(Here's something new: I've uploaded a five minute audio clip of this show! It's a .ram file that you can listen to on RealPlayer.  If you like these clips, I'll try to include them regularly).

An amoeba is the web-inspired nickname for someone who doesn't have a sex drive and doesn't want to apologize for it any longer.   

The difference in the amoeba identity from people who choose celibacy, is that amoebas don't feel like they're making a sacrifice... they just don't feel lust. Their sexual desire is low to zero, and they don't feel like that's the end of the world.   

Amoebas dispute accusations that they're closet cases, trauma victims, misanthropes, etc. They want to get on with their busy social and intellectual lives and not be stigmatized any longer. They love their friends/family and want to be at peace with platonia.   

I'm not sure what I think of this yet. So I want to hear from you! 

Do you identify with amoebas yourself?

Have you ever been close to someone who did? 

How do you know that you're a person with low sex drive, as opposed to a person who is shut down in some unconscious way?

I agree, it is cruel to accuse people of being blind to their own hangups, or to say, in essence, "All you need is a good fuck."  But there's a grain of truth to these suspicions. We all know people who thought for years they had low sex drives until they finally discovered something that turned them on— something that was hidden to their conscious mind in the past. You do find people who "come out of the closet,"  you see people who go through therapy and find their sex drive, you have people who process trauma and find erotic rejuvenation on the other side.  But didn't they feel like amoebas for years?

It all seems so subjective to me.  I tend to think of sex drive like appetite.. it can be suppressed, but it's always there. 

Images_2There is something to hormone chemistry influencing your drive. But even that can be influenced by what you do with your time. If I just sat around waiting for something unbelievably sexy to happen to me, I could twiddle my thumbs all day. Lots of times I come to a sexual situation with nothing by willingness, or curiosity... I don't start feeling desire until I start doing something that I know will lead me there.

Another question I have about amoebas is the subject of masturbation. Some do, and some don't. None of them are getting hairy palms, of course, but for those who do, I would say, "Yes, you have a sex drive. You just aren't partner-oriented. Maybe you're just fed up with couplism/the dating scene/the demands of intimate relationships. Maybe you really have had a lot of mediocre sex with a partner and are too impatient to pretend like you're interested!"

Some of the women's amoeba sites I've visited remind me of early feminist statements, although they  do not use  that "f-word" at all. But  they are women who are sick of guys coming on to them and then being incredulous that the gal isn't interested. These women don't want to be peppered with accusations that they are unfulfilled, frigid, a dyke, or just waiting in stasis for the right guy to come along... The men they describe hassling them are right out of the Classic Male Chauvinist Pig manual. 

I'd prefer a more nuanced approach, since I already am entirely sympathetic to the idea that sexual harassment by boors is no one's idea of a good time.

What about the pain of craving affection, but not sex? What happens if you have serious romantic feelings about a loved one, but are repulsed by the idea of having sex with them? What do you do with people who you care about, as opposed to random strangers?

What happens to the creativity inspired by sexuality when you don't have a sex drive?  A lot of the joy of singing, dancing, writing, making things, etc., comes from a sexual place.

These questions are why amoebas puzzle me. I know that people can go years without partner sex, their whole lives, even, but I know that they are sexual human beings. But I have a hard time wrapping my objective mind around the notion that sex drive is ABSENT in an individual.

Please do chime in!

Also in this episode of In Bed  I take another look at the sex questions I got asked by a high school class in a small California town— which I first listed on this blog.

When the first anonymous student note I read out-loud was, "Why do some boys have that funky smell when you give them head?"  I had to keep on my toes!  Actually, that question was the perfect icebreaker, because we all collapsed in laughter, and had a good discussion about whether the answer is:

a) basic hygiene problem
b) freaky disease; you should call 911
c) maybe the smell of semen is just not your bag

Finally, the last of my show is about a Kansas judge who publicly apologizes for looking at porn sites at work, claiming he accidentally stumbled upon them while researching "baby chicks" for his poultry-raising business. Then, in the "Try This At Home" mailbag, a listener discovers "classic" porn films and is completely amazed.  Remember, you can mail me any of your questions for sex advice and the like to [email protected]

June 16, 2005

How To Pick Up a Lobotomy

The latest edition of  "In Bed with Susie Bright,"  #206: How To Chat Up Women,  is out:

You thought Jeff Gannon in the White House was weird... how about the  Senator who gives  grotesque slideshows about late-stage venereal diseases to his entire staff until they turn green? — and then he offers them pizza! You can't make this shit up.

PickupgirlsThis week I uncover the lucrative, yet endlessly bizarre genre of books based on How to Pick Up Girls.  The original author of that cliché, Eric Weber, is  still laughing all the way to the bank, but I doubt he's getting laid.  Weber's multitude of copycats are one pissed-off crew— their whole approach to seduction is based on self-directed loathing — and fearsome female phobia.  If you were scared of chicks to begin with, or even slightly insecure, you'll be lightly dropped over the railing.

I remember seeing an ad for HTPUG, next to one for the "Mark Eden Bust Developer," in the back of 1960s magazines. I knew it was TOP SEKRIT sex information, and I wanted a copy so bad. I was eight. 

Now that I've read a variety of these  How-to-Bag-a-Blonde-Bitch-Who's-Too-Good-For-You titles, I'm no longer titillated, but I am still reeling!

In the "Try This At Home" mailbag, I advise a listener on how to deal with busybodies who have a hidden agenda when it comes to your sex life. The impeccable Miss Manners has a few things to say about this as well!

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected]

June 04, 2005

Give Me Virginity or Give Me Death

My latest episode of In Bed with Susie Bright is #205:  "Give Me Virginity or Give Me Death!"

VaccineThis week, I discuss why Christian fundamentalist groups are protesting a new vaccine for a common STD that causes cervical cancer. 

When I heard about this vaccine, I was so excited that it will be something wonderful for my daughter—  but the Fundie contingent is having none of it!

"Giving the HPV vaccine to young women could be potentially harmful," Bridget Maher of the Family Research Council told the British magazine New Scientist, "because they may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex."

As Katha Pollit so brilliantly advises in her Nation editorial: "Raise your hand if you think that what is keeping girls virgins now is the threat of getting cervical cancer when they are 60 from a disease they've probably never heard of."

Also on this show, I review and read a few passages from Porn Studies, my new favorite book for the post-modernist sex nerd.

A little history: The editor of Porn Studies, Dr. Linda Williams, along with Dr. Constance Penley (see her cool interview on slash fiction), and myself were the first professors to teach university courses on the nature of visual pornography. 

I have always treasured my discussions with them, and many of those subjects are featured in this academic and scholarly look at what erotic cinema has wrought!  I am emphasizing the "scholarly" part, because this is not casual reading, and some of the prose is not going to win any prizes... but I just love this information, so it's sort of like being biologist who flips for the latest frog book.

Brandon_leeOne passage I read is by Nguyen Tan Hoang, who examines the presentation of Asian ethnicity in "The Resurrection of Brandon Lee: The Making of a Gay Asian American Porn Star."  Another excerpt is from a favorite writer of mine, Eric Shaefer, who really does write beautifully about the cinematic history of pornographic and exploitation films. 

Finally, in my "Try This At Home" mailbag, a listener posts his amateur nude photos on the Internet, and loves it. Don't forget, you can always send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected] I read every one of them and delight in answering them!

May 30, 2005

Velveeta Frat Gets Busted in Porn Shoot

My latest episode of In Bed with Susie Bright, #203: Porn University

BelushitogaA handful of students have been promised permanent expulsion at Chico State University in Northern California  for participating in an incredibly obscure porn video shoot. The "Shane's World" series, if you must know.  How do those university presidents find the time to track these things down? Somehow this touched a nerve that campus problems with binge drinking, suicide, and mass plaguerism didn't even touch. What a morale lifter!

Also, I have the latest on a garden shoppe that's getting in trouble for its replicas of statues of David— the city fathers aren't going to stand for it!  And in this week's "Try This At Home" mailbag, a doctor writes me to say that there is no excuse for healthcare providers to ignore patients' questions about sex. I wish he would hand out his phone number to everyone!

May 14, 2005

Stroke-Oriented Investments

RomancenovelIn Bed with Susie Bright 202: Stroke-Oriented, May 13:
I returned from a Romance Novel convention last week and I am almost afraid to tell you what kind of kinky sex these women are up to...   

Also, I discover a San Diego Bishop who won't grant a Catholic funeral to a local bar owner— and from the "Try This At Home" mailbag, a man who longs for facials... without the tears.  Show Link.

In Bed with Susie Bright 201: Moral Investment, May 6
This week, I talk about the Stone Age erotica recently unearthed by archeologists, who seem strangely shocked by their findings.

TimothybugalMy real prize is the "Hall of Shame" list of corporations deemed immoral by an "Christian Ethics" investment firm. Can anyone please tell me how much money I would make if I did invest in these sinners?  I would love a portfolio comparison. Apparently the Timothy Plan is doing rather poorly and has been downgraded by Morningstar.  In the "Try This At Home" mailbag, Susie laments the lack of good bisexual porn and encourages listeners to make their own.  Show Link.

In Bed with Susie Bright 200:Remembering Dworkin
This week, I discuss the life and legacy of feminist icon Andrea Dworkin, who passed away on April 11th. I read aloud the essay I wrote for this blog, and talk about some of the reactions I received.  Also, in this week's Try This At Home mailbag: "Should I Seduce My Research Subjects?"  Show Link.

April 25, 2005

Yukon Gold, Enemas On Hold, and Podcaster Ponderings

PodcastHere's the scoop on my three newest shows...

A lot of people have asked me if Audible will start podcasting my shows. I don’t know how that would work, because the whole way Audible makes money, (and in turn, pays me) is to sell subscriptions to my show, or sell episodes a la carte, just as they do with audiobooks and other audio shows/magazines/journals. Podcasting is free to listeners, yes?

(Speaking of audio magazines, Audible is right now working on making The New Yorker  into an audio-listening experience!  My mom would have loved that. Actually, she would have been a great audio performer for it!  She was always calling me up on the phone and reading her favorite articles to me).

There is one slightly different way to access my In Bed show aside from Audible.com— that’s accessing my episodes through the  iTunes Music Store. You just put my name in the search box, and you’ll see every show I’ve ever done (almost 200 now) with the title and time. They are all $6 or $7 dollars... I have no idea why a few of them are a dollar more than the others. That’s more expensive than subscribing to Audible, but it’s kinda fun for picking and choosing.

Anyway, if you have some words of wisdom about podcasting, I’d love to hear them! Of course, your comments on any of the shows, or the topics I cover in this bunch, are much appreciated...

Episode 197
I start off with a news item from Spring Hill, Tennessee, where a woman was recently fined for selling a vibrating bath sponge at a library flea market.  I bet it was one of those rubber ducky ones that I covet so much.

Candida I’ve been on a insomniac reading kick lately. I love Candida Royalle's new book, How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do... She's like the Older Sexy Know-It-All Sister I never had... it's almost diabolical how she seems to have the perfect answer to every femme question.

It’s not actually  about telling men "what to do,"  at all. It’s about women cultivating and enjoying their sexual style. It also has candid observations about what it’s been like to be the first “straight feminist” to make erotic movies for women, that revolutionized the porn industry in the process.

GrprostOn an almost completely different topic, except for its sauciness, I fell in love with a history book set the mid 1800's in Alaska, about the amazing women who worked the Alaskan gold rush:  Lael Morgan's Good Time Girls of the Alaska-Yukon Gold Rush. It's filled with breathtaking photos from the period, and remarkable diary entries and journals from people who lived through the experience.

Finally, in the Try This at Home mailbag, I answer a letter from a woman who thinks her man fits her like a glove, in all ways but one (small) one.

Episode 198
There have always been a lot of sexy things you can do in your car, and recently, the California State Assembly upheld the right to play porn on your in-car DVD system, in spite of complaints from parents who found themselves in awkward situations during rush hour. I nearly lost control myself one evening on Interstate 5, but you’ll have to tune in to hear the rest of that story!

After years of opening sexually explicit mail out in my local post office with complete nonchalance— no matter how many dirty looks that Passport guy gives me—  I finally opened a package that gave me pause. The contents?  A book about erotic enemas. I’m sorry, but I had a laughing fit at the zip code directory table.  But upon closer inspection, this book is impeccably written, erotic, and informative.

In the Try This at Home mailbag, I offers some advice to a man who says he loves living with his girlfriend, but finds it impossible to masturbate while cohabitating... and it's not a happy secret.

Episode 199
This week, I investigate a phenomenon called post-coital anxiety syndrome. It’s about a particular panic that can follow orgasm— so is it stupid talk show theory, or a serious stigmatized dilemma?

JustaddhormonesIn my book review section, I admire a middle-of-the-road, Midwestern look at the transsexual experience called Just Add Hormones.

Finally, I read a letter from a reader who said she literally  “blew out her chakras” from listening to audio erotica. Some girls have all the fun.

An individual In Bed show costs about $5 to listen to, but if you want a free one-month trial, no strings attached, come to this page
and give it a whirl.  If you end up subscribing to Audible, it’s pennies... you get my show (or any other periodical) every week of the month, plus any one audiobook you like, for $14.95. 

April 14, 2005

Addicted to Porn - Congress Takes Cash from the People They Love to Trash

The latest In Bed with Susie Bright, #196, is out! In this edition:

PornographyYou would not believe— (okay, maybe you would) —  how many rightwing Congress people are taking sizeable campaign contributions from porn-profitting businesses.

This week, I out a number of U.S. representatives and senators who are “on the take,” thanks to a jaw-dropping, annotated report from the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics (CREW) in Washington.

What’s so beautiful about CREW is that they aren’t anti-porn, they’re anti-hypocrite. They were so fed up with Congressmen exploiting the Janet Jackson/FCC/morality spin, that they decided to hose them down with their own duplicity! 

Not only does CREW  detail how much money each congress member got from porn profit-makers— they also quote exactly what kind of hysterical anti-sex rhetoric these same hypocrites are spewing when they think no one is scrutinizing their bank account.

Some excerpts:

“Rep. Michael Oxley (R-OH) accepted $24,500 from corporations and executives who profit from pornography.  In 1998, Oxley said, 'there are literally thousands of sites devoted to every manner of perversion and brutality... unfortunately, the Web is awash in degrading smut.'  In addition, Rep. Oxley has made it a personal mission to ‘protect young people from the corrosive, debasing effects of the voluminous graphic adult content readily available on the World Wide Web.’

“Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM) accepted $47,000 from corporations and executives who profit from pornography. Yet along with Rep. Cubin and 10 other Republican Congresswomen, Rep. Wilson signed a letter to Vice President Al Gore in 2000, calling on him to return contributions from an Internet adult entertainment trade association and a Chicago strip club owner. Rep. Wilson has also been a strong proponent of broadcast decency, including proposing that decency be considered as a factor in license renewals.

"In 2004, after the Janet Jackson breast-baring incident during the Superbowl half-time show, Rep. Wilson erupted at a Commerce subcommittee on indecency, targeting Viacom president Mel Karmazin. ‘You knew what you were doing!’ said Wilson, who was so angry that her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears.

“Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) accepted $46,000 from corporations and executives who profit from pornography.  In 1998, when the Clinton administration was pushing to wire all the nation’s classrooms for the Internet, McCain introduced a bill to prohibit the government from granting subsidies to any school or library that didn’t screen the material on its computers, saying ‘[i]n order to get rid of the smut and the peddlers of smut, you have to energize communities.... We have to make them aware they’re on the Internet and they’re awful hard to get off the Internet.’  In addition, when Sen. McCain ran for President in 2000, he ran television ads touting his anti-pornography record."

Is Tom DeLay on the porno-trough list too? You betcha!  So are William Bennett, Joe Lieberman, and many more of your local favorites!

If you listen to my show, you’ll get to hear me rolling on the bed with laughter, and offering my own personal insights into this den of two-faced twerps.

Many people don’t realize who the largest porn-producing corporations are in the United States... it’s not Mom and Pop operations anymore.  Writer Eric Schlosser most famously revealed the corporate changing-of-the-guard in pornography empires several years ago in US News and World Report, with further investigation in his book, Reefer Madness, but remarkably, most Americans have no clue that it’s companies like Comcast, Marriott, General Motors, and AT&T who make the most money from porn.

Virginia_woolfFinally, in my Try This at Home mailbag, I get a letter from a long time Virginia Woolf fan who is now wondering about Woolf's sexual imagery. Don't forget, you can alwasy send me your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected]

An individual In Bed show costs about $5 to listen to, but if you want a free one-month trial, no strings attached, come to this page and give it a whirl.

March 29, 2005

Drug Wrangler to the Stars

Episode 195

I recorded this show for my birthday, which always makes me feel a little extra mischievous. I start off with a surprising mention of my work in connection with the upcoming G8 Summit in Edinburgh!Girlpotglasses Then it's off to behind-the-scenes tales of my recent guest appearance on HBO's Six Feet Under, and how I became an unexpected drug paraphanalia expert when I was supposed to be just rehearsing a sweet little song.

By the way, even though you will hear more intriguing details about my time on Six Feet Under, I DO NOT give away the plot, and I do not let you know who died. You are just going to have to continue suffering and wondering until the show airs on July 11.

In my "Try This at Home" mailbag, I get a letter from a female listener who says, "stop blaming porn" — she thinks the real culprit in men's ignorance about female sexuality is that too many women are faking it in bed!

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to this show for free, within the coming week. You get one free month of In Bed,  no strings attached! Otherwise, If you just want to listen to this one show, it's $5.95).

March 24, 2005

Monkey Butts, Dr. Ducky, and Dr. Hunter Thompson

I got a little behind telling you about my latest audio shows, but they're all worth mentioning:

(Episode 193)
A recent Duke University study found that male monkeys will actually spend juice treats for the chance to look at high-ranking monkeys and female monkey butts. While this behavior may offer some clues for autism, I find it to be a nice window into the more universal motivations. I also wallow in my mailbag with three letters: First, a male listener takes umbrage with some my political leanings... he’s a GOP sexual liberationist. 2nd letter: a man extols his love for the Aneros prostate massager, but I am dubious. Finally, a middle-aged man wants to let it all hang out at a summer sex camp, but is worried he's too old, too vanilla, too small, too single...just not quite what the camp is looking for. I was so amazed he just went anyway, and apparently had an eyeopening time...

Duckycody(Original Episode 160)
While I was working in LA on Six Feet Under, I wasn't able to get into the studio, so we reached back into her archives to offer one of  my most interesting NYC interviews. My guest is sex educator and burlesque performer Ducky Doolittle, a.k.a. Knockers the Clown. Ducky drives me WILD with her stories of cake sitting (part of her act) and talks about her early days working as a sex performer in a Times Square peep show. She is a very Messy Girl, but smarter than most of the clean ones. You can learn more about Ducky Doolittle at her website.

The above photo is of Ducky and my Doggie, Cody. She came to visit me in Santa Cruz, and we never wanted to let her leave!

(Episode 194)
Finally,  I announced the winners of my Valentine's Day contest, on St. Patrick’s Day:

Roy Kay
Katie (as in katieskean)
Bella Fica of Figtales
Lance Eaton
C. S. Lewiston

If you want your prize, please write me an email with your snail mail address, before April 7.  Congratulations, you incorrigible lovers.

The main part of my show is paying tribute to my favorite Irishman, friend Hunter S. Thompson, who checked out last month. Among his other traits, Thompson was a rebel WITH a cause and there are few things more erotically attractive. I talk about his life,  and how his sexual attitudes struck me when I first met him. I read aloud some of my eulogy, which you might like to hear aloud.

At the end of the show I talk about production suggestions that listeners submitted for the audio recordings of Best American Erotica on Audible. Thank you so much for all your advice; you are a very savvy crew. In my personal mailbag, I give my complicated advice to a listener who wants to choose a sex toy for her boyfriend.

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to these shows for free, within the coming week. You get one free month of In Bed,  no strings attached!)

March 02, 2005

Susie Interviews Ian Kerner, and Dedicates Egg Sex

ShecomesfirstI've got two new audio shows you might be interested in:

In Bed with Susie Bright 191: Modern Love with Ian Kerner

My guest this week is Ian Kerner, the author of the new Be Honest - You're Not that Into Him Either and the bestselling She Comes First The success of SCF warmed my heart because how often do you hear about a bestseller on the supreme subject of cunniligus? 

Ian and I debate the sexual dilemmas facing women and men these days: marriage mania, what you do when women WON'T let anyone go down on them, the search for the contented "slut,"  and how Ian switches gears from being a therapist to a very public  sexpert. He helped me tackle a listener question from a woman who said she feels like her whole sex life has become just one big performance, and I'm so glad he was there!

Pregnant_womanIn Bed with Susie Bright 192: Egg Sex

It's official - Susie Bright and Audible will be recording all of the Best American Erotica series! I am appealing to my audience's vast audiobook preferences to help her decide finer points such as who reads what and how the stories are packaged together. I'm quite serious, I want to know what you think!  I've found that audiobook listeners really know their stuff, and I'm  rather a novice.

Then, in a special long-distance dedication to my producer, who is expecting her first child, I reads her story, "Egg Sex," which is all about sexuality during pregnancy. I've had so many requests for this story , and it was fun for me to remember what I was thinking way back in my Big Egg Days. Finally, in my mailbag, I hear the upside of Webcam sex from two couples who say they met and fall in love across several continents via high-tech visual aids.

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to these shows for free, within the coming week. No strings attached!)

February 14, 2005

Be My Messy Valentine

Pic_shirley_templeHey there beautiful!— Happy Valentine's Day! Please be especially pagan today, since it IS orginally a Roman sex holiday.

I have two new shows of "In Bed with Susie Bright" that have just come out:

Instead of more gratuitous hearts-and-flowers advice, I decided to be the anti-Cupid. In Show 189, I have  some contrarian recommendations that promise to make this Valentine's Day one you won't forget.  I plan on enacting some of my messy pleasures tonight, actually, although the rainy weather is ruining my plan to do it outside!

My Valentine Contest... prizes, prizes....

I’m also announcing my latest Silly Yet Meaningful Contest -  write down and send me  your favorite Valentine's Day memory. The winner will receive a signed copy of the newly released Best American Erotica and a 12-month subscription to "In Bed with Susie Bright" from audible.com.  You can either email it to me, or post it here on the blog... by February 28th. I will love to read it!

To celebrate the release of Best American Erotica 2005, I read one of the BAE stories that was the most shocking and emotional to me... called "Surviving Darwin" by Alicia Gifford. Not for the faint of heart, valentine or otherwise!

In my mailbag, I offer some advice to a woman who is still pining after the lover she kicked out of her place when he messed her computer up with his porn selections!

SocksIn Episode 190, Porneoke, not kareoke, is the latest craze in Scotland. While club patrons are providing the grunts and moans to porn movies, this pastime has come under the wrath of the Scottish Women Against Pornography....  I have what I hope are not totally predicatable comments.

In my mailbag, I answer a probing letter from a young listener who is wondering what my sex life was like when she was in high school. Now, would I stretch the truth?

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to these shows for free,   within the coming week. No strings attached!)

January 29, 2005

Tristan Taormino Shows Us How It's Done

814a6141d6d443ffa21398238d04a601img100The latest edition of In Bed with Susie Bright is a an old favorite: "Pucker Up with Tristan Taormino.
This is an interview I did with one of my favorite and funniest guests, sexpert Tristan Taormino. I could tell listen to her all day!  A few years ago, Tristan made the leap into big-time porn when she convinced John Stagliano, a.k.a Buttman, to produce the movie of her book, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Tristan and Buttman argued over plenty, but what they ended up with is one of the best selling porn movies about anal sex, ever. I was also curious to hear her talk about her favorite "summer camp,"  Dark Odyssey.

Go here to listen or transfer the audio file.

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to this particular show for free,  within the coming week. No strings attached!)

Th13You know, Tristan has a knack for arguing with powerful men in the movie business... last year, Spike Lee asked her to be his sex/dyke  consultant  for his movie, "She Hate Me," a comedy about— among other things— predatory lesbians on the Baby-Making March.

Spike would tell her things like, " I really don't know any lesbians that well,"---- and then she'd look around at everyone who was working in his office, and blink, "HELLO! ARE YOU BLIND?"  He was flabbergasted at what she suggested that vaginal orgasms are not the primary way women orgasm.  She fought sooooo hard to get some realistic female sexiness in this movie, and after I saw the film, I was impressed with the battles she won and biting my lip at the ones she lost.  Thank god she got a real vibrator in. She lost the strap-on dildo debate though. 

Tristan did a press junket for the movie, and in San Francisco, the promoters tried to get a dyke-savvy audience to fill the screening room. It was a good time, but Spike was lucky he wasn't there, because he would have been roasted like chickadee.  We were much kinder to Tristan, who was very candid with all of us.

You know what the single best reason is to see this movie? It's not anyone's A-list movie, certainly.

But from a "this-is-worth-noticing" perspective, the sheer numbers of black, latin, asian, and biracial dykes in this film singlehandedly smashes the cliche that lesbianism is for white college girls. There are so many heretofore "unseen women," traipsing in and out of the sperm donor's apartment (this is the comedy part)— that their very presence is inspiring.  Even though I wanted to send Spike a wake-up call, I also found myself wanting to go to the cast party, immediately!

January 12, 2005

Are We Ever Going to Be "Normal" Again?

DorisrockhappyBefore the holidays, and my mother’s death, I recorded a whole bunch of new audio shows so I could sneak in a vacation. Now it all seems like a hundred years ago now, but one of them is just out, and I remember how much I liked it!

Here it is: In Bed with Susie Bright 187: “Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex.” 

In this show, daring to make a mockery of Oprah-style solutions, we talk about what it  takes to see a sexual relationship thrive, over time. My interview this week looks at the gritty details, where no smug self-help book or dopey platitudes apply.

RocktinfoilFirst, I talk with Jennifer Lehr, the author of the new memoir, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex. This story chronicles Jennifer and her now-husband John's struggle to enjoy sex equally, even from the early days of their relationship. In their case, he was the one who didn’t want to; she was the one who yearned. Then, in my mailbag, we both tackle a letter from a man who says he's addicted to Internet porn to make up for the lack of sex with his wife, who he believes is completely oblivious.

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to this particular show for free,  within the coming week. No strings attached!)

PillowtalkUsually when I do interviews, I travel to big cities and do marathons all day in a studio. This time, Jennifer was kind enough to come to Santa Cruz, where I got to spend the afternoon with her. You may remember I was captivated by her book from the first time I saw it.

Couples write in to me about this subject (conflict between their desire) more than any other... and it reminds me of a story about a sexual advice column I used to write.

I was the first “online” sex advisor for Playboy, when they first started their web site. I asked the editor if he wanted me to make up some theoretical questions to get the column started, but he told me he had hundreds of emails already.  I was so curious, that I told him to xerox and send them all. It's not often you get such an intimate glimpse into a wide audience.

RockdorisbedAt this point in my career, I had written sex columns for Salon, (lefty yuppies) On Our Backs (uppity dykes), Penthouse Forum (square on the outside, swinging fantasists on the inside), and BUST (Sassy Grows Up). I had also counseled  women and men of every kind, from nuns to Olympic figure skaters, in my days working at Good Vibrations.

But this cache of letters was revelatory. It was the audience I’d never been allowed to counsel, that I would have been locked up if I’d even tried to approach. It was hundreds of young teenage boys.

Boyoperators90% of them wanted to know one thing:  "Is my penis was all right?" They meant, whether its appearance and behavior on their body was normal.  At first I was laughing, at this unexpected cache of virgins, but then I was quite touched and even upset. There is an epidemic of insecurity and ignorance— And I thought girls were bad!

Here’s the rub—  Playboy’s editors didn’t want me answering those kind of questions online, because it would betray their demographics. And of course, they wanted to appeal to the adult, affluent man, the kind of model you see in their subscription advertisements.

I  had never addressed an exclusively male audience before. Penthouse had a lot of women readers who wrote in.

In the Playboy stash, the second most popular question was, “How can i get any girl— or a particular girl— to go to bed with me?”  I would say young women have that same kind of question too. In fact, old geezers of both genders have that question; it’s eternal! 

Finally, the third most popular question was the one I opened this entry with, the struggle over sexual frequency, and desire between a couple. It’s as relevant today as when I first started writing as a “sexpert,” because it’s one of the question that people are likely to look in all the wrong places to answer. Sure, it starts with chemistry or conquest... but things can get pretty self-deluded from there.  I hope you find Jennifer’s candor as refreshing as I did!

December 24, 2004

I Saw Santa Kissing Just About Everyone

SantaliciousThe latest edition of In Bed with Susie Bright 185: Here Comes Santa, is out at Audible.com.

In this edition:
"It's holiday time and Susie has two things on her mind. First, she's raving about the new movie Kinsey, the story of 20th-century sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. Susie says Kinsey's efforts to scientifically study sex are still the most extensive ever done and this new movie offers a glimpse at the moral and social objections his research raised at the time. Then, speaking of movies and holidays, Susie has her short list of favorite subversive/sexy holiday movies from Bad Santa and Elf to The Ref and The Brady Bunch Christmas. And, for those of you looking for a something just a little bit sexier, Susie takes a look at one of those rare porn categories: Santa porn. "

(If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to this particular show for free, by clicking here, within the coming week. No strings attached!).

Xmas_susieI'm glad this show came online just before Xmas, because I'm going away tomorrow and won't be able to post anything for a few days. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone I want to work on my blog over Xmas vacation. But there's so many things to do! It's like moving into a new apartment... The refrigerator leaks and the futon sofa broke. And what about all my vintage posters that have to go up on the walls? That's how I feel.

I hope as many of you as possible get to enjoy some top-notch loafing around for the next week, before the new year begins.  Sleep in, stay up late, and take an aimless walk under the stars!
LOVE, Susie


December 18, 2004

No Sex, Please, We're College Students

Greenapplesex_1I have a two new In Bed with Susie Bright audio shows:
The first one,  "Studying Sex," is dedicated to a recent article that recently appeared in the New York Times called "Long After Kinsey, Only the Brave Study Sex, " by Benedict Carey. Carey's article outlines why so much of sex research in the U.S. is still kept completely covert or remains unfunded. Hear even more gory details, and uncensored analysis, from my own personal experience.

I also share a new favorite website where GOP hussies deliver breathy neo-conservative jack-off fantasies. And in my listener mailbag, I read  a letter from a 65-year-old man who is wondering what's behind his fetish for women's shoes.

Don't forget, you can send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected]— and I will answer them.

PinkfigureIn the second show, "No Sex on Campus,"  I recount my recent trip to Western Washington State College in Bellingham which recently became ground zero for an anti-sex crusade by religious students on campus. Even though the official university dorm policy is now abstinence, I addressed a packed audience, and the number one question of the evening was from young women who have never had an orgasm.

In my Try This At Home mailbag, I read a letter from a woman who tells why sex after cancer is not for sissies. This was the most challenging, and moving letter I received this year, and I would love to know if any of you have faced similiar situations.

If you've never heard my show before, you can listen to these shows for free, by clicking here. No strings attached! You get a month for free, and they we only hope you will be hopelessly addicted, and will subscribe for a modest fee.

You can get details about how my Audible show works, from my earlier posting.

December 06, 2004

Rather Startling Blow Job Instructions

The latest edition of my audio show,  In Bed with Susie Bright #182: "The Best Blow Job," is just out.

ScaliagollumIn this edition:
I'm still laughing about a recent interview in The Harvard Crimson in which ultra-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia explained why he's into orgies. Then, it's off to  Craigslist and a personal ad with quite a headline, "I Don't Mind Sucking You Off, but Here's What I Need From You." Boys of Altanta and beyond, listen up! In my listener mailbag, I hear from a husband and wife seeking some hard to find porn classics. Don't forget, you can always send your confidential questions and feedback about the show to [email protected]

You can listen to the show for free— if you sign up for a free month of In Bed at http://www.audible.com/susiebright this week.

There's no strings attached, just a free sample month of shows.  You can use the free offer anytime, but this week is the only week you can get this particular show in your free sub.  If you just want to purchase this one particular program, I think it's $5.95.

I do a new Audible show every week. I'll announce them in my blog from now on. You're also welcome to comment on the show here!

(If you wonder what Audible.com is— it's a site that sells downloads of books, periodicals, and original spoken word programs. You can listen to bestselling books, or the daily paper, or popular NPR shows, by playing them on your computer, your music player, or burning them to  a CD. People either buy subscriptions, like Netflix, or they buy programs " a la carte." If you love being read to, or listen to a lot of radio, you will go nuts over Audible).

My program is unique in that it doesn't suffer from any interference from the FCC, and we can talk about what we like. Sometimes I have guests; sometimes it's just me and letters from listeners. Come check it out if you haven't already— and if you're already a listener, and I've forgotten to mention something, please chime in!