What do you do when you want— or need— to cut your carbs, but you love bread, pasta, potatoes, rice, crackers— and pure unadulterated cake?
I have answers.
The big picture is this:
If you purge your kitchen pantry of processed foods, you’re more than halfway there. If you stop eating branded fast food, you’re 50% there. If you then stop eating inconsequential garbage with sugar, and simply read labels-- you’re 90% there.
In other words, don’t stress about an apple. Or a corn tortilla. Or one perfect bite of anything. The reason we’re all spiking pre-diabetic these days, is because our overall food supply is crap.
One of these days I’ll rant about starting a seed bank and growing your own community everything.
But this post, is about gluttonous instant gratification!
Below are my keto shopping hacks, which you can do at any major food chain or local grocery store. There’s a couple specialty items, but they’re worth mentioning because they are so awesome (waffles).
“Keto” is a regime of moderate protein, high fat, and high fiber. I started out by using this picture chart.
I was strict for the first two weeks until I got the hang of it. Then I decided to eat all the fruit I wanted.
You’ll be moved by the results. If you were verging on diabetes, your numbers will PLUMMET. You can get over flus and colds in a day or two. Inflammation issues calm down. Your skin is great. You stop snoring. And farting. Sorry to be so vulgar, but this is the case. You can be vain about the weight you lose. If you are old and in the way, as I am, you will feel younger and as if, maybe, you are in the right place at the right time.
I’ll not blather on too much. This is not an essay for doubters or people who’ve never heard of the health issues. “Keto,” per se, is not for everyone. There are people who need a much more significant load of complex carbohydrates. That’s not me!
Meanwhile, keto does not make you smarter, or richer, or “happy,” or better in bed. But eating good food is such a pleasure, and so life-affirming in general, it’s a joy to spread the word!
Here we go:
Instead of: Rice
Riced Cauliflower is easy, delicious, and perfect for curries, classic Chinese food, any kind of meat and rice dish you imagine.
Trader Joe’s (TJ’s) makes it all ready for you in a bag. You steam it or fry it. You can use your own food processor if you want to break up a fresh cauliflower yourself.
TJ's Cauliflower Stuffing came out during Thanksgiving, and it’s still on the shelves. I LOVE IT.
Instead of: Pasta
Zucchini spirals, the nature of them, the cut of them, are delicious for all Italian-style dishes you might make. They taste “right,” not because they taste like pasta, but because they are a Mediterranean vegetable that tastes correct with all the Italian sauces.
I tried every “spiralizer” tool there is, and they're fine. But today I buy TJ’s bag of noodles; they’re so damn easy. They come fresh or frozen, I buy both. The fresh ones need to be eaten in a couple days.
Edamame Angel Hair Pasta - This looks green and nondescript, but sometimes you just have to have a real noodle side, and this does it. I made Cincinnati 7-way Chili the other night, and this was the spaghetti side. Everyone went nuts for it.
If someone makes you homemade pasta from semolina flour, rolling it out, just have some. That’s gotta be your criteria, homemade treats merit special consideration. After you’re on this diet, bullshit pasta just isn’t good enough.
Instead of Potatoes:
Welcome to the weirdest vegetable: The hairy “celery root” tastes nothing like celery and will fool all the mashed potato lovers. You need to buy more than you think, because you cut off ALL the hair and monster bits on the outside. But then you boil them and mash them with cream, garlic, salt, and pepper, just like normal potatoes, and they are fantastic.
All root vegetables are delicious, and so explore parsnips, carrots, turnips, etc. YUM. Roasted with olive oil and thyme or rosemary in the oven, they are out of this world.
Dairy:
This is the big surprise of keto: you don’t drink ordinary milk, which is high carb. Who knew? Instead, you drink cream, cream, pure whipping cream. Heaven. I can’t imagine coffee without it, now.
My version of “bulletproof" coffee is this, and I really owe the final recipe to Jon Bailiff, who savors his coffee:
1 cup coffee, brewed with a pinch of cinnamon and anise seed
1 T. Irish butter (salted is better, I think)
1 T. coconut oil
Whipping Cream to taste
Put in one of those Starbucks-style tall coffee cups that has a tight-fitting lid. Shake it like a cocktail. Enjoy!
Splurge on one of those make-your-own-whipped-cream dispensers. Oh my god. After you’re off sugar, just pure whipped cream is such a confection.
Sometimes we just make whipped cream and shave unsweetened chocolate on it, and we feel like we’re in a Viennese dessert party. Delicious.
Alternatives to dairy? Check out unsweetened nut milks. The richer, the better. Macadamia milk; now you’re talking.
And here’s what I like with everything, even though it sounds so preposterous: Lavender Blueberry Almond Milk from Trader Joes. Try it with whiskey, with coffee, with chocolate,with tea, alone, with anything you’d make a toddy with. Chilled or hot. I am hoarding this stuff because I’m terrified they’ll discontinue it. The creamiest and dreamiest.
Crackers and Chips:
Seeds and Grains Crisp Bread, Norwegian Crackers. I got thru these like water. At TJ’s. Spread thick with butter and cheese.
Siljan’s Rye Crisp Bread, the big round cracker. Most grocery stores.
Dips with crackers are fantastic, cheesy and creamy. Want a really naughty one? TJ’s bacon cheddar ranch dip.
Except it’s not naughty, it’s the new nutritionally correct! I hope you stocked up on sour cream.
How could I forget pork rinds? Amazon sells a jar that is bigger than your head and to my amazement, i have gone through several of them. The ultimate chip switch.
Granola Cereal:
Purely Elizabeth Maple Walnut Probiotic Granola. (Not the other flavors! Only this one is truely low carb)
TJ’s Organic Toasted Coconut Granola
Note: based on ⅓ cup, this is about 13-16 carbs per serving. It sounds like nothing, but I fill up my cereal bowl with berries and cream and it feels like a feast!
Homemade Low-Carb Granola - there’s lots of recipes, focussing on nuts, seeds, and coconut. You add Swerve and Go crazy!
Instead of: Bread and Gravy
Here’s the deal: There is no good bread, real bread, without flour. And flour, in an of itself, is delicious! And it is the only thing to really give the elasticity you need in a dough.
The good part is this: once you go on this diet, you get REAL PICKY about gluten, and you realize that most of the “bread” you’ve been eating is CRAP. Who wants that cardboard, that tasteless paste? Not you.
I do buy low-carb wheat flour tortillas, and for a quick wrap, they are fine.
I also wrap “sandwiches” and burgers in big wedges of iceberg lettuce, it’s the juiciest burger ever. Use a whole quarter of the head of lettuce, you need the structure!
Corn tortillas, homemade, are worth it, one per meal.
If someone makes homemade bread, or if you are invited to have a real French pastry, for god’s sake, say YES. Just know that you can eat a small amount (one slice, half a croissant) NOT because you’re so virtuous, but because you’ll be so full!
“Carb-quik” -- yes, I ordered the hilarious yellow box of Carb-quik from Amazon. Ugliest packaging in the world, but I saved all the recipes printed on the outside AND on the inside. If you want cheese biscuits, this is the answer. If you want a typical Bisquick experience, this is reasonable. Nothing to summon Julia Child about, but it satisfies the yearning for floury comfort snacks.
Here’s what Carb-quik doesn’t do: Gravy. This stuff WILL NOT thicken adequately. However, anyone who makes roux’s or gravies KNOWS that you aren’t using more than a tablespoon or two of flour! So just use REAL flour.
If you’re eating the low-carb basics, little stuff like a tablespoon of flour isn’t an issue. I probably eat under 100 carbs a day, today. But before I ever knew about this regime, I probably ate 10,000 carbs a day and didn’t even know it. Most carbs are sneakily in things you don’t even think about. SO just relax... like I said, focus on the easy delicious parts.
Chocolate:
Chocolate is so easy. It’s a perfect food, in many respects, and it “hides” other tastes so easily. That’s why pot and chocolate go together so well.
Trader Joe’s can barely keep their Simply Lite sugar-free chocolate bars in stock, and I can see why. They come in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and both with almonds. They are right near the cashier, in the candy end-cap, on the bottom shelf.
Philosophers Stone Ground Chocolate Almond Butter: I honestly don’t know where to get this besides my Farmer’s Market, but I would follow them to hell and back. Better than Nutella. I get all choked up just thinking about how great they are.
Sugar-free chocolate chips at Amazon. I like eating handfuls of them with walnuts or pecans. When you go keto, you are constantly snacking on nuts of all kinds.
Waffles:
The Green Waffle, the “apple” kind, from Watsonville, my home!
--So delicious. I can’t get enough. They are made from egg whites, rolled oats, spinach, banana, apples and baking powder! 20 carbs per waffle. I take them camping, I make them for Sunday brunch. 20 carbs is a lot for “one thing” but this is a whole meal and so worth it. Berries and cream on top, even a drizzle of maple syrup or agave syrup. DONE!
Sugar-free Ice Cream:
Yes, there is freaking keto ice cream. It’s high protein, high-fiber if you buy the right brand, and they are very sneaky about their combo of fake and real sugar. This is one of the most competitive low-carb foods there is. I just read a story about ten competing brands.
I will just mention one: Halo. They clearly have muscled themselves into most of the supermarkets.
Look at the ingredients on the back: Find the carb count, Deduct the fiber count, and that is your net carb. Net carbs are what matters, aren’t you glad? Have fun!
Instead of: Sugar
Here’s the good news. If what you want is simply “sweet stuff” you are not going to be disappointed. There are new “fake sugars” that will blow your mind with the identical taste.
The best is “Swerve”. Buy the “powdered sugar” kind, not because you care about powdered sugar, but because it is ground extra-fine, and that makes it mix and melt better. Swerve is “erythritol.” Whatever. It is not Sweet and Low, it is not Equal, it is not Stevia, it is not Monkfruit, it really is the best tasting one, by a long shot. If you put this in a sugar bowl, no one will be the wiser.
Swerve, however, like all sugar substitutes, does not bake like normal sugar. Baking is a real dilemma, because the chemistry of real sugar is so unique, so classic, so time-tested.
If you use a well-reviewed keto cookbook by someone who TESTED their recipes 100 times, then you can confidently use THEIR dessert recipes for baking with Swerve. --Same with ice cream or other desserts. Swerve does not behave like real sugar, so you need a chemist to tell you how to work with it. Author/chef Urvashi Pitre seems sincere to me, check out her book. I wish I knew more reliable cookbooks!
However, beware of the false promises that come with exuberant low-carb marketing. The Swerve packaging will tell you, “You can use it exactly, 1-for-1 like sugar." That is bullshit, when it comes to baking and cooking.
If you want to use natural sugar, here are the best alternatives, simply because they are low-glycemic. They are NOT remotely low-carb or low-cal, so don’t fool yourself. In small amounts, if you can tolerate sugar, enjoy!
coconut sugar -tastes GREAT, cooks great
agave syrup - great for mixed drinks that call for simple syrup, pancakes, anything syrupy.
pure maple syrup - duh!
Fake sugar is a big business, billions of dollars. I’m sure they’ll have something new out this year. I’m not going to tell you why I don’t like the other brands, simply that I use Swerve with careful instruction, and coconut sugar/maple syrup for the real thing. End of story!
(I just saw that stores are now selling a combo of Swerve and real sugar, half and half. I’m suspicious. That still doesn’t solve your baking problem. And “half” the carbs in pure sugar is a ridiculous amount, when you’re thinking of “cups” of sugar in a recipe. Dial me in, if you know different!)
A word about Pies: I love pie. Making nut-flour crusts is fabulous. It’s usually almond flour or a combo of coconut and almond or hazelnut flour. Search for "keto pie crust" and enjoy!
Don’t bother with pre-made pie crusts and the like. They taste bad. Like I said, your taste buds are going to get real particular once you cut sugar, without even trying. You simply are amazed what you used to put up with! Instead, if someone makes you an old-fashioned pie with a gluten-flour crust and a lot of love, just have a small slice and give them a big hug. It doesn’t happen enough.
Manners are so important with diet restrictions. Always thank people for cooking for you. It will be easy if you’re cooking for yourself, because the appreciation is so visceral! I never hassle my hosts about what they’ll be serving, or my list of needs. Good grief, no. I have keto snack before I go out to eat, that calms any appetite hysteria. I have nuts and sugar free chocolate in my bag. And then I just improvise with what I find when I get to my destination. Keto is easy compared to most diets, it has such a broad and mainstream variety.
Alcohol:
Stick to pure spirits: Tequila, whiskey, gin, vodka.
Yes, alcohol has what is called “sugar alcohol” as the main part of its composition. But it has no carbs. It has no nutritional value whatsoever, and certainly has calories. Nevertheless, I am a booze realist! I’d rather have a James Bond Vesper than a cookie. Do not stress about this aspect of your life if you drink in moderation. Just stick to the classic spirits.
Absolutely no sugar-carbonated-beverages. But all the “Lacroix” style or non-sugar sodas are fine-- and delicious with the above spirits.
Say No to liqueurs and “brandies” of all kinds. This is where you get in trouble. Virtually every fancy cocktail you’ll be offered at bars is FULL of sugar. It helps them keep the costs down and offer the sugar hit. No, no, no. Have a classic drink instead. Have a martini! For margarita’s, try lime and reposado alone, or just a whisper of Cointreau. A Whisper. Once you lose the taste for sugar, it will seem overwhelming. A slice of lime or orange will knock your socks off!
Dry Wine is okay in moderation too. Stay away from the sweet ones.
Beer, haha, no. I hear there are low-carb ones; I have no idea how they taste. If you are a beer connoisseur, I’d enjoy it as special treat, like the French croissants I mentioned earlier!
The biggest problem with booze is that you forget your normal inhibitions and nostalgically believe you can eat an entire gingerbread house when in fact: you can’t. You learn your lesson immediately, as your stomach knows better. I’m sure your lesson will easier than mine!
I wrote this because I cook for my friends, they ask me how the meals we share together can possibly be keto. Where do I get the ingredients? How can it taste so good? Now I will simply point them to this story.
You know how I got started doing this? My friend Ethan gave me The Game of Thrones cookbook, which is a fantastic introduction to medieval-style cooking, and I realized that it was naturally keto-friendly. I made banquets using this book. Each week we’d eat together before a new episode of our beloved story. Eating together makes everything better.
Bon appetit!
P.S. I list Amazon links where it seemed easy to read about the food, or listen to customers. They usually don’t have the best prices, because the freight is so dear. Just learn about the food, and buy it where you please!
