Little Susie Homebreaker

What Must Be Sewn

I just barely managed to finish a wrap dress today (that's a dress with a surplice bodice that crosses your breasts in a hopefully seductive and brilliant way). In the beginning, I  looked like I was modeling a frumpy  bathrobe. Now, I'm starting to look like I'm a foxy Russian Cossack. Improvement!

I have a couple recommendations for the budding, intoxicated Coco Chanel in all of you:

Patternreview.com

This is an awesome place started by a 29 year old software developer named Deepika...pictured on the left. She is a wonderful host. Members post photos of themselves in our newly made garments, and tell you the gritty details of how we made it all come together. I have posted two reviews under the name Quesie. The first  is a vicious rip on bad pattern by McCall's. It was more evil fun than writing a critical book review. The other one is about making  sexy cherry dress. It was fun for me to force myself to write in a G-rated manner about something so obviously seductive. And yes, this site is G-rated! I have never felt more wholesome and satisfied.

Sewing patterns have something in common with porn movies for sale:  you look at the pretty cover and have NO idea whether it's really any good. This site is a godsend because it exposes the duds and reveals the brilliant designs. I wish there was something this honest about sex movies.

Sandra Betzina

This woman is famous in the sewing world, and it's not only because of her talent, but also her integrity. If someone ever called me the Sandra Betzina of Sex, I would be so honored. She is dedicated to demystifying a lot of the quackery of fashion, and creating a real joy of self-expression in style and beauty. She could not care less about all the phony stuff, and she just loves women. Loves them. My idea of the perfect vacation is... sewing with her for a week. Now you know my most decadent secret.

BUST

Some of you may know that I quit writing my sex advice column for BUST, but I like to write occasionally for them about my sewing adventures. I found a kindred spirit in editor Debbie Stoller, who has revolutionized the knitting craze with her Stitch and Bitch books. She knows that being a sex maniac, a feminist revolutionary,  and a crafty bitch are quite complementary.

Sex and Cooking

I've been known to clutch a copy of Cooks Illustrated to my breast, inky photos of wine-soaked Bosch pears pressed into tender flesh. I salivate over food porn the way others have drowned themselves in Hustler Honeys'. I have similar blood lusts toward ancient issues of Gourmet, and English translations of Elizabeth David's Mediterranean cooking manuals.

Analogies between food and erotica go deep inside our taste buds.  I was pleased to see that Harper's magazine has devoted an essay to the subject in the current issue, "Debbie Does Salad: The Food Network at the Frontiers of Pornography" by Fred Kaufman.

Dressmakers with Dirty Minds

"Most likely to end their friendship after a sleepover during which they got into Susie’s mother’s peach schnapps, Susie got a little handsy and they both got uncomfortable tingly in the pants feelings."

Yes, dressmakers do have dirty minds! I just found a blog that seems tailor-made for my warped (and darkly woofed) humors: Threadbared.

This site has nothing but photos of old-time sewing patterns that vibrate with perverse second readings.

There's the all-cracker family wearing knitted sweaters of "pickaninnies," a hospital gown pattern for the woman who has nothing better to do than sew her own shroud, and some terribly gay trouser tissues. I got a good shriek out of each one.

I'm beside myself that they don't sell the patterns they satirize, because I'd kill to make my own "L'Apron"— a  pair of frilly bottomless chaps. His-and-her sizing, no less!

Threadbared's authors are "Mary" and "Kimberly," southern belles who introduce themselves by saying, "We combine our fondness for vintage sewing patterns with our need to be bitchy and mean and cruel."

They also claim that they don't know how to sew, but I don't believe that for ONE SECOND.

Cream of Whatever— I'll Take Seconds!

I recently attended a potluck picnic of slow food gourmets and wine snobs.

We gathered around one particular potato dish which was causing a sensation, licking our fingertips and screaming for more.

When pressed for the recipe, the woman who brought the casserole burst into blushing tears. She begged our forgiveness, and then told us the secret of Mother-In-Law Potatoes:

Mother-In-Law Spuds

1 32-oz. package of Ore-Ida Frozen hash browns (Don't defrost them!)

1 c. cheddar cheese

1 c. jack cheese

1 stick butter, melted

1 carton sour cream

1 can cream-of-whatever soup
(Campbell's cream of chicken, mushroom, celery, etc.)

1 bag of potato chips

Place the frozen potatoes in a 9 x 13 baking pan. You can break it up, but don't defrost!

Put all the other ingredients in a bowl, except the chips, and mix them up. Pour and slather the mixture on top of the hash browns.

Crumble about two cups of chips on top.

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 15 min.

It's soooooo yummy. And I'm sure we could figure out a "slow" alternative if we wanted to!

What's your favorite irresistible dairy/potato confection?

The Potato-Eaters, Van Gogh, Nuenen, April 1885